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I'm a single mom with two great kids living near Dallas, Texas. This is my life; day to day things that are probably only important to me. This is my record of my ups, my downs and the road that I've taken along the way. For whatever reason YOU'RE here, I hope you find something you can enjoy and/or relate to. God bless.

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Location: Dallas, Texas, United States

Monday, April 24, 2006


There is a new whoop-tee-doo called My Thankful Monday (MTM). After reading what others have posted for this day, I'm a little embarrassed by mine, but such is life. Well, my life anyway.

I'm thankful for my sense of humor. It's served me well in this life and, as tit for tat goes, I've served it well...as well. :) Many things that would send the normal person into therapy usually makes me laugh.

As most anyone knows that has read me for awhile, I'm not the most coordinated person. Here are a few instances that come to mind (I don't have enough time to list them all, though I'm sure Mark will think of many I'm not going to list).

Stepping into a pothole in a truck stop parking lot, right outside the restaurant window, twisting my ankle and going down...face down, into the pavement. Within seconds I'm surrounded by strangers making sure I'm okay. They're probably thinking I'm dazed or hurt because all I can do as I roll over to my back is laugh, still laughing as I get up and limp off. Okay, I'm going to share a secret...I've fallen twice at the same truck stop. Yeah, I don't get it either, but that's my life.

Last year as we (Mark, the boys and I) went bowling with another family of four, I, again, was the evenings entertainment. I'm not even including when I let go of the ball...behind me, because this has happened too many times to really be unusual anymore. No, I'm talking about when I went to let go of the ball in front of me, I didn't, and, instead, held it as I went sliding down the alley with it. Yeah, that was funny. What was even funnier was how the other family ran to me to make sure I was okay as my own family sat and laughed their butts off. In all fairness to them, I was laughing too. Good times...

Christmas before last we were in Taos, and as we were walking with a long line of others, my feet went flying out from underneath me. In all fairness to me, there was ice. I landed on my butt hard with both my feet and arms up in the air. The only thing I could hear over my own laughter was the laughter of Mark and my kids...oh and the gasps of concern from strangers. Actually, come to think of it, I hear both of those sounds a lot.

And...lest we forget, the time I missed the mark, so to say, over a toilet in a stall at a church I was visiting, and when I tried to reposition myself over the seat, went slip sliding in my own (as far as I know) 'mess'. As my butt tends to do, it went down hard and came up wet. Thankfully, there were plenty of people in the bathroom, I'd hate to be selfish with my laughs.

Yes, my humor has served me well as my life keeps giving it material to work with.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

10 Of My Favorite Simple Pleasures

I was tagged by Genna. :) Please go read her list too, much more interesting than mine. In fact, save yourself some time and go there now. Trust me, nothing to see here folks.

1. My kids laughter. The best sound in the world.
2. My husband telling me he loves me. The way he says it leaves no doubt, and it makes me feel very safe.
3. Animals. I love animals, any and every kind.
4. Water. My favorite thing to drink...and that is about as simple as it gets.
5. The Ocean. I love to be on or near the ocean. I love to relax and just watch the waves, the color and I even enjoy the smell.
6. The Mountains. Just like the ocean, it brings me peace to be in the mountains. Everywhere you look, it's beautiful.
7. Nature. I love being outside. Fortunately, insects never bother me.
8. Fire. Fires in a fire place, chimineas, candles...whatever. I just love fire, the colors, the smell and the warmth. Safe fires. :)
9. Sleeping late. Our church now has a service on Saturday nights too, so we can start sleeping in on Sundays!! I love, love, love sleeping in!
10. Reading outside, alone.

It's pretty obvious from this list that I'm an extremely simple person, even boring. Boring works for me. :)
I don't like to tag, so if it's something you want to do, let me know so I can come by to read your simple pleasures.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Fantasy Island

I want an island. Today, that's my fantasy. Probably my mood, which is poor, I'll admit it. No idea why, well, I've got a couple of clues, but knowing what a bad mood I'm in, I'm not likely to trust myself.
So anyway, I want an island that is mine and mine alone. I don't want anyone else allowed on my island. I'd like it fully stocked with lot's of seafood, alcohol and my favorite desserts. No telephones, no forms of communication whatsoever. Some books, my ipod, and a really comfortable place to lounge. That's all I want.
Really, is it too much to ask for?

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Rain, Old Friends, and Pictures In The Dark

We got rain, and it's a very good thing. Not only because I love rain, but we've had record breaking heat the last few days and the rain feels absolutely amazing. I'm outside last night at 12:15 a.m. just standing in the front yard, face up and arms out like a little kid, feeling wonderful. I love rain. My neighbors are used to the oddness that is me. I'm often caught outside in the early a.m. taking pictures of the moon, listening to the silence or, when possible, just feeling the rain on my face. I enjoy being me.
I got to visit an old friend on-line last night. It surprised me to know that he reads my blog, I didn't realize he knew I had a blog. But I miss his friendship when we don't talk for awhile, so last night was good. He always makes me laugh, and he tells great tales. I'll have to share one he told me last night sometime soon.
After the dogs have gone out for the night, I put Charlies dog, Rocky, in Charlies room. When I did last night, I saw that Charlie was laying on his back with our kitten, Gato, all stretched out between his legs. Rocky went in and jumped up in bed with them and layed his head on Charlies chest. It was so adorable I had to take a picture. I got my camera and left the light on in the hall so I could see what I was taking a picture of. As the flash went off, Charlie sat up, grabbing Gato between his legs and squinting to see who the figure was standing in his room against the light behind me. He looked so confused. I couldn't help but start laughing and I told him "It's okay Charlie, I'm just taking some pictures". He squints to see it's me and says "Oh, okay" and lays back down. Didn't bother him in the least. What's so funny is that it's happened so often over the years that my kids are used to it. I'll have to do a post of pictures I've taken over the last 16 years while they've been sleeping. Any parent will tell you, they're rarely more precious than when they're sleeping. God, I love my kids.
I'm off to school, hope all is well with your world today.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

When Sleep Won't Come

Sometimes, when the darkness won't give me peace, when the silence is deafening, I think about you. As much as I hate to admit it, thoughts of you still bring me peace. Remembering your smile calms me. Hearing your laughter as I lay quietly, replaces the sound of the blades of the fan going round, and round and round, only they're real...and your laughter is but a distant pounding of my heart.

I remember laying next to you, believing that everything was right with my world. I remember waking up to the touch of your fingers stroking my back, and knowing that as long as I lived, I'd never be this happy again. I remember loving you. I remember you loving me.

I loved the person I was when I was with you, the person I was when we belonged to each other. I was more myself with you than I was when I was alone. Smiling was easier for me then. Your love stirred me to the center of my being, you were my core.

Thoughts of being with you consumed me. The part you played in my life completed who I was. When I couldn't be with you, part of me was missing, and sometimes it was physically more painful than I could bear, and sometimes I'd cry.

I remember when our love was easy and our silence comfortable...and then I remember when it wasn't. I remember loving you so much that my life didn't make sense without you...and then I remember when it didn't make sense with you anymore. I remember hurting, I remember doubting myself, I remember having to pick myself up and moving on.

It's been a long time now, and still I can't get you out of my head when darkness won't let me rest and silence mimics you whispering my name.

I remember loving you. I remember you loving me.

Monday, April 17, 2006

The Blonde Guy

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage again? If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building!"
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm jumping too!"
The Blonde Guy opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too!"

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The Blonde Guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna, and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the Blonde's wife.

The Blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He always made his own lunch."

Called To Serve

I've been called to serve our country. Yup, jury duty. Again. It's only my second time, but I have a 100% record of being chosen so far. Last time it was for a public intoxication case. The state had video, witnesses, voice recordings, breath test analysis, etc. Seems pretty cut and dried, but there are those that live for this sort of thing, something where they can make a difference, where they've got a locked room of people who have to listen to them. Add some fire and gnashing of teeth, you've got my vision of hell. My problem is that I will not talk over people, and that usually puts me in the minority. That doesn't mean that I'm easily persuaded, I'm pretty stubborn, but I do listen to reason. When I can find it. There were two women on the jury last time that, for whatever reason, did not want to go home. They wondered if perhaps he was on medication that could give a false positive on the breath analysis. I figured if he'd been on meds, his attorney (which wasn't court appointed, and yeah, that'd made a difference to me) would have mentioned it. But they wanted to know, and we waited for two hours to find out that if it wasn't introduced at trial, it couldn't be considered. Where had I heard that before? Oh yeah, from the other 10 jurors. But, this was just one of the many ways they found to keep their 10 new best buddies locked in a room with them for 6 hours. You know you have problems when someone on the jury is wondering what they'll serve us for lunch at 9 a.m., or wondering where they would put us up at if it went overnight. What?? If I'm told I'd have to share a room overnight with a stranger you might as well lock me up now, because I'm not going. Okay, granted, there are a few strangers I might be tempted to get to know better, but I'm not going there right now. Or there either, and especially not there !
So, tomorrow I'll be fighting rush hour traffic, to sit with a hundred or so of our nations finest (a girl can dream) just waiting for their chance to serve their country. I'm hoping that, if chosen, I'll be in a crowd of 12 that have an actual life to get home to, who listen well and if there is a control freak in the midst, please limit it to one. I just need to pack my ipod, a good book and a vicodin or two. Nope, no need to worry about me. :)

Friday, April 14, 2006

Yeah, Yeah...Thanks

Puffin (one of my newest favorites and already doing the tagging thing...watch your step guy, I kick pretty hard) asked that those who read him write an acceptance speech of sorts today. The kind you'd give at the Oscars, for example. I'm not one to follow instructions well, so here is my take on it.

*Applause as I'm taking the stage...okay, so maybe there are a few of those cowardly boo's and hisses, yeah, I feel you, Mr. Vice President.* I look unbelievably hot, by the way.

Thank you, thank you all. I appreciate being honored for...whatever. I can't imagine what I've done to deserve this, in fact, I shudder to think. But there are those I'd like to thank.

Of course, first and always (hush Shawn) I give God thanks. Something else I do first and always is ask for His forgiveness daily, I'm just thankful He can keep up. I mess up at a rate that would completely blow your mind. Oh yeah...trying to stay focused here.
Anyway, let's see.

I want to thank my parents for showing me first hand what a child wants and needs. However I came about it, I'm thankful for the examples teaching me from an early age how much children need to feel safe and loved. I thank you, and my children thank you.
I want to thank my sister for teaching me what loyalty and honor are, for helping me realize what is most important in life.
I want to thank my high school counselor for seeing what couldn't be spoken out loud and for showing me that I was worth caring about. I hope God has blessed you and your wife richly, I've never forgotten you, thank you.
I want to thank the many, many, many people that let me lean on them and didn't take advantage of a young, stupid woman. Angels unaware, thank you.
I want to thank my grandparents that honestly and openly loved me unconditionally. I am your legacy. I hope I make you smile.
I want to thank Drew Pappas for letting God use you in spite of my ridicule.
I want to thank my adopted step-mom, Pat, who has been an example to me of unconditional love and forgiveness. I hope your real daughters and family know how blessed they are, and I wish my dad had realized it too.
I want to thank my mom-in-law for accepting me, loving me and being such a good friend to me.
I want to thank my friends for never being offended when I answer the phone asking what they want...and for accepting that I don't small talk.
I want to thank Katy for so much laughter.
I want to thank my boys for bringing me more joy than I ever dreamed possible, and I forgive you for the stupid things you've done and what you've yet to do. It's been a learning process for all of us, and I hope you've enjoyed it as much as I have. I love you both with every fiber of my being.
I want to thank Mark. I'll never, ever comprehend fully why you're with me, but thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

And...thank you all, for whatever reason you've stuck with me through this journey, you've blessed me.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Gotta Have Balance

I love passion. Don't confuse passion with drama, because I don't do drama. I stay far, far away from drama dealers. But give me someone with passion and I'm a goner. I love passion. I'm not talking about romantic passion, sorry. I'm talking about passion for what they feel, what they believe and how they live.
I paid a visit over to The Cabana this morning before I started to blog. I simply love this guy. He's got the combination of what I just go ga-ga over, passion and sarcasm. Passion alone is an honorable trait, but alone, it gets boring. Pair it with sarcasm, and darlin', you can twist me around your little finger. On the same side of the road, sarcasm without selfless passion is just obnoxious.
Looking over my favorite blogs, I see a pattern. I don't think I have anyone listed that is afraid to tackle the big issues, the controversial issues, the taboo issues...and they do it with wit. I think that's how I enjoy going about life. Give me something to tackle, and let me do it with hope, expectancy and humor. If I can't do it with humor, my whole heart won't be in it.
Another one of my favorites is Anne, a 26 year old woman with ovarian cancer, but that's not what defines her. She's a smartass with heart. That is what defines her.
I know plenty of people who have the sarcasm down, but the only thing they're passionate about in life is something that benefits them. I know plenty of people that are passionate about the most worthy of causes, but haven't a joyous bone in their body.
Balance, people. I may love all of Gods children, but the circle I center myself in is few.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

...And The Day Gets Better

Yeah, it was an unusual day starting off with Charlie. After getting his meds and him settled in, I went outside to start my spring yard work. Planted some flowers, threw away a bunch of them and started trimming my hedges. Up walks 2 of the most adorable dogs. Love at first sight. One was a big dog and the other a black lab puppy with the biggest paws I've ever seen, and we've had 4 labs. I put the top of the bird bath down for them to drink out of, went inside to get some leashes and chained them to one of the trees in the front yard. Charlie brought them out some treats and we called the animal shelter. The pup had 3 tags on her, but they were for 2 different vet's offices (rabies tags) and no one answered when I called those places.
Charlie and I just fell in love with these dogs. Chelsea (Our Girl) came over and played with them too. Got some pictures before Animal Control showed up about an hour later to get them. I'm going to keep track of these sweeties, may have to make room for a couple more pets. :)

Any Sharp Instrument Will Do

So it's no big deal that Charlie loses his breakfast on the living room carpet this morning. Powdered donuts and milk, I can clean that up *gagging*. But when his throat begins to close up and he's telling me he can't breathe, all I can think of is how do they poke those holes in peoples throats in all those hospital shows?? Seriously, I'm looking for an ink pen to poke a hole in his throat. He's gasping, can't talk and running to the kitchen. I'm trying to decide what I should do first, dial 911 or look for something sharp to stab a hole in my kids throat. Am I good in an emergency or not? Here comes Charlie running back into the living room, one hand around his throat and holding paper towels with the other. The kid can't breathe and he's worried about cleaning up his vomit.
I told him to forget about the mess, that I'm calling 911. He's got tears pouring, snot running and with barely an audible voice tells me "NO", to wait. He goes into the bathroom and keeps gagging and occasionally spitting up mucus. I can't believe how quickly this hit him. He's had some sinus drainage for the last few days, but it's that season here. He's never had any serious sinus or allergy problems before.
By now, I'm late picking up his friends for school so I get Casey up (the one morning in a month that he didn't have to go in early to lift weights) and ask him to watch Charlie in the bathroom, and if he gets any worse with his breathing to call 911. I'm surprised I didn't get any speeding tickets taking Charlies buddies to school this morning. Didn't have to remind them to buckle up today, and I had to pry their white knuckles out of my car at the school.
By the time I get home, Charlie is in bed and resting. His throat still feels tight, his voice is barely coming out of him and he can't blow his nose quick enough. The doctors office opened 15 minutes ago, and they're still not answering their phones...GET WITH IT PEOPLE!! Sorry, just a little wired right now. I'm so not good in emergencies.
I was reading 3carnations blog yesterday about her toddler being sick and I told her that I remembered how scary it was when they were that age. It doesn't get any easier.
*** We got back from the doctor. He said that Charlie has tonsillitis and his throat is *gross warning* full of pus. He asked Charlie if his throat has been sore and Charlie said "yeah, but not enough to complain about". The doctor just looked at me and shook his head. Hey, how was I suppose to know if Charlie didn't tell me. But, now I wonder if that's what was starting last week when I picked him up sick from school and kept him home a couple of days.
They gave him a shot in his cute little butt and he has a prescription of antibiotics and stuff for his nausea.
So, guessing it's a good thing I didn't stick a pen in his throat, huh? Yup, y'all can rest easy...all is right with my world again.

Monday, April 10, 2006

What Ticks Me Off

  1. Parents that have no idea where their kids are. When I drive down a street with a toddler playing on the sidewalk or in the street with a slightly older sibling and there are no signs of an adult around. Sad enough to think of what could happen to the children, but also how it changes the life of someone driving a car that might injure that child when it's not the drivers fault in the slightest.
  2. People who give unwanted advice. I don't care if it's in the grocery store or my best friend. Learn when to give advice. Most people will ask when they want it. If you think your advice is so much better than what I'm doing, don't be offended when I tell you you to kiss my ass.
  3. When my kids walk into a room while I'm watching t.v. and turn the t.v. like I'm invisible. Who do they think bought that t.v. or pays for the cable?
  4. People who walk into my house and automatically puts my dogs outside. My dogs live here, they don't. If you don't like my animals then stay out on my porch.
  5. People who don't believe I am who I say I am...or think if I do what they think I should do that I'll be happier. I'm happy with who I am...leave me alone!
  6. People who will call me because I have my 'Do Not Knock' sign on my door. Do I have to add 'Do Not Knock Or Call'??? Get a clue, there are times I do not want to be disturbed!
  7. People who make jokes at someone else's expense. It's not funny if someone (anyone's) feelings get hurt. Although I enjoy telling them what a jerk I think they are, they still tick me off.
  8. People who get jealous over another persons good fortune.
  9. People (including student's) who are kiss-ups. Show me who you really are, chances are good that I'll like that person much more than the person you pretend to be.
  10. Liars...enough said.

It's hard stopping at 10. Wow, who knew? Okay, tell me one of yours.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

A Waiting Weekend

It looks like the dishwasher may be fixed. But it's appeared that way before. :) My time window for the repairman was from 8 ~ 5 yesterday. He got here at 6:45 p.m. and left sometime after 9 this morning. Just joshin, 9 p.m. The guy was so frustrated, poor thing. It was the first repair guy they'd sent out last month, so he's been frustrated by my dishwasher before. He took everything apart, couldn't find anything not working, then installed all the new parts. For some reason, it worked. He kept saying he'd never seen anything like it. He said he couldn't file papers for a new one to replace this one, that it was up to his supervisor, but Sears had told me that it was up to the repairman to start the paperwork. I don't know. Anyway, it worked twice last night for him and I'm running it again this morning. Am I hoping it doesn't work? Not sure, I'm just frustrated. At least I do have 3 more years of warranty on it. With the FOUR visits from the repairmen and the new computer, new drain motor and valve and new hose and flaps they've installed, their receipts to me have totaled nearly $1000 on a dishwasher I paid around $500 for. Yeah, I'm glad I bought that extended warranty.

Mark is at the Texas Motor Speedway today, a guest of Lowe's. He's in their hospitality tent with breakfast, lunch and drinks complimentary, meeting Jimmy Johnson and sitting in Lowe's seats. Honestly, this sounds like a day of hell to me, but Mark is a Nascar fan. He was like a little kid at Christmas. He left at 5:30 a.m. That, alone, sounds crazy to me, but it couldn't come quick enough for him. So the boys and I are on our own today and I'm wondering what kind of trouble we can get into. I woke up with a sinus headache, so as soon the meds kick in, I'll start brainstorming. Guess I should wait and see if they have plans of their own. I forget how old they are sometimes. I may just be looking for trouble for one.

Friday, April 07, 2006

Sick Kids and Dishwashers

Charlie has been home sick the last couple of days, and I don't care if he's throwing up in the car this morning, when we pull up in front of the school, he's getting out. Yeah, cast your votes for Mom of the Year here. Wednesday morning Charlie called me from school saying he'd gotten sick at lunch and didn't feel good. The school nurse said she'd sent four kids home so far that morning. After coming home, he laid in bed for maybe an hour watching t.v., then he was up and feeling not only good, but bored. I took him on my errands with me, and he ate and went to church with Casey that night. Felt great. Thursday morning he got up not feeling so well. Spent some time in the bathroom, carried his trash can around with him for awhile (yeah, he's good) and I knew that if I took him to school, I'd be getting a call from the nurse...again.
So, I sent him back to bed and he slept for a few hours. Now, let's keep in mind that just because Charlie doesn't go to school doesn't mean that I don't have to still give a ride to his friends. Yup, he gets to go back to bed and I'm still the mom taxi. Cool, it's all good. Within a couple of hours, he's up, he's feeling good and once again, I feel played. Oh well, who knows. But I do know that the kid is going to school this morning.
My kids are so different. The only time Casey has stayed home from school is when I've had to make him because he was so obviously sick. Charlie...not so much.

Tomorrow will make the fourth time Sears has sent someone out to work on my dishwasher in the last month. Less than a year after I bought it, it stopped draining. Is it so much to ask a $500 dishwasher to work for longer than 12 months? Apparently so, and that is why I had bought the 3 year extended warranty. When they were out Tuesday, they decided it's the drain pump, the computer and the flap thing in the hose. What does that leave that's working? Beats me. Anyway, if this doesn't fix it, they'll start the paper work for a new replacement. By the way, folks, it's a GE. My last GE purchase, I believe. Nah, probably not. I just bought a new GE washer that I'm crazy about (huge metal tub, can wash 15 pairs of jeans without overloading), but it's only a couple of months old. Fingers crossed. I mean, it's hard enough to get everyone to hand wash their own dishes while the dishwasher is out, can you imagine them hand washing their own clothes? Don't think so.

Okay, mission accomplished. Charlie is at school, I'm not working , no errands to run, no chores needing done and it's going to be a great day to sit outside and read. A heavy burden to carry, but I don't like to complain. :)

Enjoy your day.

Thursday, April 06, 2006


Thanks LoveLladro !

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Fair Is Fair

My friend, Abi, sent this to me yesterday. I've changed it just a little. I hope y'all enjoy it.

From a guys point of view......

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up when she says "I don't feel like it, can you just hold me for awhile?"
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every man on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said let's get a pair for each outfit. We went into the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?" I then said "Honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either


  1. Color: Pink
  2. Time of Day: 2 p.m. (ish)
  3. Day of Week: Tuesday
  4. Month: February
  5. Holiday: Valentines Day & Halloween
  6. Food: Sushi
  7. Movie Genre: Underwater & Science Fiction
  8. Actor: Ewan McGregor
  9. Actress: Paris Hilton
  10. Film: Stay
  11. T.V. Program: Sports
  12. Sport: Nascar
  13. Animal: Non-domesticated rats
  14. Character Trait: Bigotry
  15. Body Part: My nose
  16. Piece of Clothing: Underwire bra
  17. Music: 98% of Country
  18. Game: Monopoly
  19. State To Drive Through: Kansas
  20. Sound: Phone ringing, someone knocking on my door and crying children

Monday, April 03, 2006

Different Roads

I'm very careful with my heart. Always have been, and chances are good that I always will be. Probably has a lot to do with the growing up in the family I did. Not much love or affection there. I wonder if I've missed out on a lot though. Even the pain I've not opened myself up to, is it something that I wish I'd experienced? I've been reading a lot in blogs lately about broken hearts and tears, and this will probably sound crazy (don't worry, I'm probably already taking a pill for it if it does) but I'm a little jealous of not ever having experienced those things.

I've had hundreds of boyfriends, or relationships or one nighters, whatever you want to call them (hey, it's not nice to throw stones), but none that I shed a tear over. I think I cried over my first husband, but probably out of frustration that he kept making it back home. I mean, c'mon...how completely loaded do you have to be to total a motorcycle and still walk away. Apparently he had it down to a science. Sometimes it just doesn't pay to keep that life insurance up to date.

I was reading sweet Joey's blog the other day about the fear of falling in love. I think my comment was the only one that wasn't 'romantic', and it hit me, I'm not romantic. I've never really fantasized over love. Another one of my favorite people, Anne , posted the other day about friends hurting her feelings. It's all got me to thinking, do I not let people matter enough to me to hurt me? If I have, then how come I've never been hurt? I've had friends that I've let go, because of one reason or another, but I've never regretted cutting them lose.

I've hurt for other people. When friends have lost loved ones, when my kids get their feelings hurt or when Mark has to go for treatment. So, I know I'm not heartless. But what have I missed out on by never having my heart broken. I've known anger, I've known forgiveness, I've known loss when loved ones have passed on. I wonder if my heart is calloused from my youth. Sometimes I really want to know 'what is this pain you speak of'? It doesn't sound like fun, it doesn't sound like something that ever really even heals completely...so why do I feel like I've missed out on something by never having experienced it?

I think that I built walls around me from a young age to protect myself emotionally since I couldn't protect myself physically. I've never torn those walls down. Perhaps the ones that are able to feel this emotional pain never had to separate themselves with invisible walls, perhaps they felt safe growing up. Maybe they were nurtured and loved, protected by those that are suppose to protect. Maybe having the ability to be hurt by someone, having the ability to know a broken heart is something that we are suppose to able to experience as human beings. I wonder how I can begin to tear down the walls that I've grown so accustomed to that I didn't even realize I had them. I wonder if I can, or if it's too late.