MY LIFE AS I LIVE IT
I'm a single mom with two great kids living near Dallas, Texas. This is my life; day to day things that are probably only important to me. This is my record of my ups, my downs and the road that I've taken along the way. For whatever reason YOU'RE here, I hope you find something you can enjoy and/or relate to. God bless.
- Name: kathi
- Location: Dallas, Texas, United States
Saturday, December 31, 2005
My Gift To You
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Mangled, but not forgotten
All month, Mark and I have been asking each other what the other wanted for Christmas. Mark, true to form, always said 'nothing'. I, on the other hand, said I wanted something to open, just didn't know or really care what it was.
The first day we got there, we got the ski's and equipment rented, then just walked around and acquainted ourselves with our new neighborhood. There were tons of ski shops, clothing stores, cafe's and small restaurants and one jewelry store. We visited the jewelry store and, of course, it's all pretty expensive. I mean, it's a ski resort, c'mon. I'm not good at spending money on myself. Oh, don't get me wrong, I can spend major bucks on others and maybe house related things, but I can't get myself to spend money on me.
Everyday, at one time or another, I'd stop by the jewelry store. I'm sure they probably thought I was a shoplifter or something the first couple of days. I did see some gorgeous stuff...but it was more likely that I'd think 'I wonder if Charlie would wear that chain with the coyote engraved on it' (the coyote stands for humor and trickster)...or, who could I get those earrings for? I'm an emotional spending cripple. Everyday Mark would ask if I'd found something for myself yet. I'd bought lot's of tee's and sweatshirts with the local logo for the guys and friends at home. I'd bought candles for my neighbor, I'd bought shot glasses for my friends that collects them, I'd even got ball caps for people I'd probably forget to buy for so I'd have something ready to give them when I saw them and would've wished that I'd gotten them something too. But never anything for me.
Our room had a vcr instead of a dvd player (?). So I went to the nearest town, Dillion, to get a dvd player because we'd taken some dvd's we'd wanted to watch and because I'd gotten the guys the dvd game RIFF for Christmas. Actually, I made 5 trips to Dillion. One for Charlie's medicine (no pharmacy on the mountain), one for the dvd player, one for wrapping paper, one for charlie's birthday cake and some more groceries, and lastly for scissors and tape I'd forgotten to buy with the wrapping paper. Plus, I found a Target and picked up stocking stuffers and stuff for the guys too. So, I was feeling like I was spending enough money, and didn't need to spend more on something for me when there wasn't anything I saw that just shouted at me, ya know?
I did get to know the people who owned the jewelry store really well. A very sweet young couple that had an 9 month old boy that they kept in the store with them. So cute. Often times the mom would wear a papoose carrying him in front of her. I got to know a few of the locals...
Anyway, Christmas morning Mark gave me my card first. I cried, came close to sobbing, but I'll deny that. Mark is NOT the romantic type. To me, this was probably one of the most romantic things he could have done. I'm talking about actually going by the vet's office to look for Maverick (even if he'd already been adopted) and giving me a blank check to adopt a cat with. Then he gave me my perfume.
Later that evening he told me he was taking me to the jewelry store and I was getting something. I had mixed emotions on this, cause I was already so happy with what he'd given me, but what woman doesn't want to be forced to buy something in a jewelry store? So off we went. I'm glad that Mark didn't take it on himself to buy me something there because everything he'd show me, well, just wasn't me. I did get the turquoise earrings I'd eyed for days because they match very closely to a ring and necklace I'd gotten a couple of years ago in Santa Fe. Then he showed me the ring.
Here's the thing with the ring. I've not worn my wedding ring since I was pregnant with Casey, (17 years ago). I'd gained 70 lbs with Casey and they kept telling me I'd need to take off my wedding ring, but I'm a bit stubborn and I refused. One night, Mark was watching football and I was swelling (about 7 months pregnant) and my finger started throbbing. I tried soap, vasaline, everything I could think of. I was in pain and my finger was swelling around the ring. I was so embarrassed, I didn't want to tell Mark. So...I went into the garage and got the wire cutters. Yeah, I honestly did. They were the long nose pliers kind with the middle part being the wire cutters. I must've been in there for an hour and tore my finger and palm up cutting my ring off. I was in tears and just so embarrassed for Mark to know I'd had to do it, plus...I'd ruined my ring. But I was in so much pain. I walked out of the garage with my hand bleeding and crying...poor Mark. Why the man has stayed with me, I'll never know. The only time Mark has ever taken his ring off in 20 years is to rub my feet.
My mom brought me her engagement ring and my grandmothers wedding ring down from Indiana so that people wouldn't think I was pregnant and unmarried, lol. So, I've had rings I've worn...but never my ring.
So, now...back to Colorado. When Mark showed me the ring, I was an emotional wreck again. We bought the earrings and the ring and when we got outside, Mark told me that he loved me and slipped the ring on my finger. I have a wedding ring again, and forever. This was such a perfect Christmas.
When we got back to our place, I told Mark that we should have gotten him one too, so we'd once again have matching rings. He said that he'd thought about it, but I'd not mentioned it. Yes we did, we turned back around and visited the jewelry store again. The owners, Mark and I all laughed when we walked in, but we got Mark a matching ring and when we walked outside I told him I loved him, too, as I slipped the ring on his finger.
The rings are of a native american design, sterling silver band with a 14 kt gold inlay and the feather type design on and around the gold. I still have that mangled gold wedding band in my jewelry box, along side Marks perfect one now. For the first time in a long time, we have matching bands again, with aged love and a new memories behind them.
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Christmas Term Paper
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
First day back, and I'm tagged...
Thank you, kellie ... if you weren't so damn cute and sweet, and if I didn't love ya, I'd tell you to kma. But you are and I do...so I won't. :)
1.) I'm very shy and often insecure, which I can't figure out because, as a rule, I don't even like people.
2.) I love it when I beat my kids and/or hubby at a game of 'horse' (basketball).
3.) The angrier someone gets, the calmer I get.
4.) Whenever I tend to get scared about something, I literally picture myself in the palm of God's hand and it always brings me peace.
5.) Sometimes my accent is soooo southern that even my kids and husband make fun of me...and I'm from Indiana.
I am so bad at tagging people...so I'm gonna cheat and just beg some of you to do it!!
Sunday, December 18, 2005
How Do You Know?
I wonder why it is that many people find happiness easier to embrace when they have fewer things to be grateful for? I remember one year, soon after Mark and I were married, that we went to visit his parents in west Texas in the middle of winter, in a car that had to have the windows rolled down to keep the windshield from fogging up. We froze the entire way there, stopping for coffee to help keep us warm, it was a 6 hour trip. We laughed and enjoyed ourselves every frozen mile of the way. Another trip to Indiana, 14 hours in the same car, we had to stop every few miles to put in more oil. Our not making it all the way there was a distinct possibility and it is one of our best memories...all smiles and laughter.
I miss those good times, I miss the laughter.
The loneliness you feel when you are all alone is nothing compared to the loneliness that can suffocate you in a crowd, or in the silence of two.
Saturday, December 17, 2005
Love and Miss You, Mom
My mom was one of six kids, poor, and had a rather hard childhood. Fortunately, all her siblings were there for each other and always remained close. My mom became pregnant when she was 18 by my dad, 10 years her senior. Unfortunate, because she had a brilliant mind and was set on nursing. I happened instead. Fourteen months later, my sister happened too. My dad chose to stay away (his choice of job) most of the time, so she raised us practically alone. My mom was ill, physically and mentally. She had a bad back (had several major surgeries) suffered migraines, and medicated herself with pain pills and alcohol. This may have eased her pain, but was hell on my sister and I. I constantly think if antidepressants had been available to her all those years ago, it could have changed all of our lives.
My mom was physically, mentally and emotionally abusive. She took most of it out on us kids, but mentally and emotionally...the person it was directed at didn't much matter.
I didn't realize till I was much older why she behaved the way she did. I just hated her for it. She was honestly a very cruel person, but she was also (which I didn't understand) a very sad person. She was lonely, neglected, struggling with so many issues and raising 2 kids by herself.
My sister and I were rebellious, looked for and wanted acceptance, love, peace of mind and just plain happiness. We found it in all the wrong places. Well, once again, I can't speak for my sister, and I won't. But this is how I felt.
Let's just fast forward about 15 years. I changed and in the process, I forgave. And, with forgiving, I opened the door to let love in. I saw my mom in a way I'd never seen her before, like putting in a higher watt bulb and suddenly all the shadows disappear. I changed my bulb.
I began loving my mom, and she responded in kind. Thinking back, she probably hadn't had many people love her unconditionally. In all honesty, she gave people little reason to like her, not alone "love" her. That's where the unconditional part comes in.
My mom became one of my biggest supporters, and I say this smiling, she always told me the way it was...as much as I didn't want to hear it. When I moved to Texas and married my husband, she was my closest friend (she and my grandmother, my grandmother was my best friend from the day I was born till the day she died). I think, now, how sad it must have been for her to have the only person that would talk to her, without screaming and fighting, living a thousand miles away. Finally, though, she was able to let herself love someone and them love her back.
When I had my boys, she was the best grandmother. She loved my kids so much. She never failed to tell me how blessed I was to have them, how blessed I was to have my husband; a man that loved and supported me, and that she loved me.
My dad began having heart problems, for years he was feeling poor and going to dr's. He finally had open heart surgery to repair some of the valves and even had problems with that surgery. We were all overwhelmed with my dad's health. A few weeks after his first major heart surgery, we went to visit for Thanksgiving. We were hesitant to do this because the boys were (Casey) 2 years old and (Charlie) 11 months old. But they assured us that Dad could handle it. While there, Mom would often cry when holding my boys, she loved and missed them so much.
A few weeks later, on December 17th, my mom called late one night to tell us that my dad had gone back into the hospital. There was a problem with the thickness of his blood. My husband was the only one still up, and she told him she just wanted to let us know about Dad, that it wasn't life threatening and not to wake me up, just to tell me that she loved me. That she loved all of us. A few hours later, she died in her sleep.
We found out later that she, too, had heart disease, and no-one knew it. A few days later I received a large box in the mail, filled with Christmas presents from Mom. She must have mailed them the day before she died.
I will always be grateful for the relationship that my mom and I had developed, for all she shared with me, such as all the years I wanted children and didn't conceive. She'd tell me it would happen when it was God's timing. When I'd have my little hissy fits with my husband, she'd tell me how fortunate I was to have a man as good as Mark, someone that loved me the way he did and was always there for me (and I'd realize how she knew this from first hand experience, having never had this sort of man in her life). When I had my babies, she was always there to answer questions, ease my fears, settle my nerves and hold my hand...however long the distance may have been.
Many times I still hear her talking to me, telling me how blessed I am. I still hear her voice, feel her touch as she'd stroke my hands. I never understood this, and now I find myself doing it to my own boys. I know they probably find it as curious as I once did, and yet one day they'll be doing it to their own children and they'll remember my touch. And they'll understand too.
In many ways I am my mother, and in many ways I'm not. Regardless, I loved her with all my heart and I miss her every day of my life.
Friday, December 16, 2005
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Today as the boys were getting ready for school,one of our cats, Falco, died in my son, Casey's, arms. We don't know why. He was playing in Casey's room with another cat when he appeared to have a bit of a seizure and by the time Casey picked him up, he was gone.
Both of my boys were in tears as they left for school, today being the first day of semester finals.
Please lift my boys up in your thoughts and prayers, that they will find a peace that goes beyond understanding, and be able to focus on their exams.
Falco was about 7 years old, a precious, good natured cat. I miss him so much already.
See you soon, Falco.
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
|You Are Dancer|
Carefree and fun, you always find reasons to do a happy dance.
Why You're Naughty: That dark stint you had as Santa's private dancer.
Why You're Nice: You're friendly. Very friendly.
Monday, December 12, 2005
A TWIST ON...Friends like Katy
Tell me about one of your important 'life' moments and who you remember being there for you.
I'll start: Before prozac, years ago, when I was dangerously depressed and wouldn't talk to anyone, my sister would call me (long distance from Indiana and before the days of 'the famliy plans', lol) and make me talk or listen. I always hated when she'd (or anyone) would call, but she probably saved my life more than once.
What's Your Love Style?
|The Carnal Lover|
45% partner focus, 52% aggressiveness, 55% adventurousness
|Based on the results of this test, it is highly likely that:|
You prefer your romance and love wild and daring rather than typical or boring, you would rather pursue than be pursued and, when it comes to physical love, you concentrate more on enjoying the experience rather than worrying about your performance.
This places you in the Lover Style of: The Carnal Lover.
The Carnal Lover is a wonderful Lover Style, though it is often confused with terms like "player" or even "slut." The Carnal Lover is not necessarily either of those things (though sometimes is) but is instead a lover of life, romance and pleasure. The Carnal Lover is a treasure to find, though can sometimes be difficult to keep happy once found, because a Carnal Lover often loves a variety-filled life.
In terms of physical love, the Carnal Lover tends to be dynamic and driven, and can therefore be quite pleasurable. Given the right motivation, and the right lover, the Carnal Lover can be a delight in bed.
Best Compatibility can probably be found with: The Surprising Lover (most of all) or the Devoted Lover, or the Liberated Lover.
Got this from Sable.
Saturday, December 10, 2005
And Yet Another...
Friday, December 09, 2005
Update on 'Absent'
This was bad for a couple of days, and then got better. It hasn't gone away, just has eased up to where I can function but my speech is still messed up. I finally went to the Dr. yesterday (Thursday). I hate going to the dr. Nothing against dr.s, but my mom always told us we were whining when we didn't feel good and that's stuck with me.
Anyway, my blood pressure, which has always been excellent, was 180is over 120ish. They put me on blood pressure meds and two meds for my dizziness, Altivert and Valium, which I take both three times a day. So, now instead of being dizzy (except for when the meds start to wear off) I'm just out of it. They both make me drowsy, so I'm constantly sleepy. But, at least I don't feel like I'm gonna throw up.
I go back Tuesday to have my bp tested again and I have to go see a neurologist and have an mri on my head. I would, however, like to wait for that till we get back from Colorado from our vacation. We'll see.
Anyway, wanted to let you know because I'm not making the rounds to everyones blogs as I'd like to. Still love y'all, just can't stay awake!!
Thursday, December 08, 2005
Sunday, December 04, 2005
List of Seven's
Seven things that attract me to my husband:
1. He loves me so much.
2. I love his laugh.
3. He's an honest man.
4. He's a generous man.
5. He lifts me up.
6. He's a great dad.
7. He's my best friend.
Seven Things to Do Before I Die:
I'm not cheating here, but I'm okay with 'going home' at any time. Other than maybe cleaning my house...I don't feel like there is anything I need or want to do before 'going home'. Really, I'm ready and looking forward to it.
Seven Things I Cannot Do:
6. Understand bigotry
7. Cook (I'm thinking this should have been # 1. But looking at them now, there's no order)
Seven Things I Say Most Often:
1. Love you.
2. Hi Honey.
3. Hey Baby.
4. Do you have any homework?
5. Have the animals been fed?
6. Do you have your phone and wallet?
7. Do you need any money.
Seven Books (or Authors) I Love:
1. The Bible
2. Janet Evanovich
3. Linda Howard
4. James Patterson
5. John Grisham
6. Catherine Coulter
7. Debra Terranova
Seven Movies I Would Watch Over and Over Again:
1. A Knights Tale
2. Princess Bride
3. Meet the Fockers
5. Malibu's Most Wanted
7. Clay Pigeons
Seven People I Tag To Do Seven Sevens:
Don't panic ~ not going to tag anyone. But if you want to do it, I'll read it!
Saturday, December 03, 2005
Reporter Has Problems Reporting...
Friday, December 02, 2005
70's vs 05's
When I was in college there were so many students who really wanted to make a difference in the world. I wasn't one of them (well, I was, but I wasn't one of them that chose to do anything about it, it interfered with my partying, drug use and one night stands). Sad to say, the actual learning didn't become important to me until it was nearly too late. Nearly. But those that had their priorities in order usually picked careers that would serve others as well as serve themselves, and usually they chose to serve others more than themselves. Good people. I recall many of my friends (yeah, go figure, the good students liked me for some reason) even chose to go into the Peace Corp after spending all that money and time for 4 years of education. I'd love to have done this...but like I said, I was just to self involved and I just couldn't seem to put anyone or anything in front of myself. But, when I stop to think about the people I knew in college, and even those in high school, I rarely remember people talking about how much money they'd make. More like what good they wanted to do, whether it was a career in non profit, medical, even technology, it was usually for the benefit of which they could serve the future population rather than if it could get them into a bigger house with several cars in the drive.
Now, as a teacher that subs, I'm in a lot of different class rooms. Sometimes I sub for a class for a day, sometimes for months. So, I get to know a lot of students, different kind of students. I've been subbing for nearly 7 years, and I've watched many of these kids grow up. On top of this, I have two teenage boys (and known all their friends) and have several friends that are now in their mid twenties that I've known since they were pre-teens. I'm not an expert on today's youth, but I'm not clueless either.
I'm not saying that today's youth are selfish in any way...don't get me wrong. I was reading a story on Charles_X's blog about his sensitivity to others in his youth and it reminded me of my Charlie. Charlie has always been a giver. And at times, it's been so frustrating. Giving your kid a present (sometimes very expensive) and seeing the brat you can't stand down the street having it a week later can infuriate you. I can remember asking him why, why would he give away something he'd wanted for so long and Charlie telling me that *brat*'s dad hadn't came home for *brat*'s birthday and all *brat* had gotten for his birthday was a cake cause *brat*'s mom didn't have any money. Charlie doesn't have a selfish bone in his body. Over the years we've gotten use to his giving his things away. Good kid, and I've known a lot of kids like him. My point is, it doesn't seem like as many of our youth plan out their future in regards as to what good they can do for others, as much as they did many (yeah...many, many) years ago.
What was it that brought me to this post today? Hmmmmm, age is a terrible thing sometimes...racking my memory here...oh yeah. It was what I read on Grahame's blog today. Enjoy:
Progress won’t happen overnight, but it’s a bit like the bloke they found on the beach after hundreds of starfish had beached themselves up on the sand. (Or stranded themselves up on the beach.) He was throwing the stranded starfish back into the water, one at a time. A bloke went up to him and asked, “Hey, what are you doing? There’s millions of them on the beach. What difference can you make?” The stranger threw another one into the water and said with confidence, “Sure made a difference to that one.”
With all due respect to today's youth (kids, teens, young adults), their life is usually a product of the example their parents (family, whatever) has set before them. With that said, I guess Charlie must take after his dad.
Thursday, December 01, 2005
You are 85% mature, 94% kind, 93% brilliant and 58% healthy.
|Ooooh...you're smart! You're mature and have a good understanding of the finer things in life. ...AND you bless your worshippers, and sometimes even non-worshippers. Plus you're pretty cute. |
It's important to have the balance you have obtained. Obviously, you make time for people as well as for yourself, and the time you make involves actually living your life. This is a good example that you set for others.
The more I take these tests, the more I'm convinced they're full of crap. Trust me, this isn't me. And to give acknowledgement, I stole this from Sable_Dawn.
And...what the hell's wrong with my health??