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Affairs of the heart

When it comes to the heart, people are slow learners. We can try to cover every base...we can spend hours thinking through every scenario, we can have every situation planned and speeches rehearsed; but when the now happens, the heart caves. We can't help it. Whether we are stone cold or not, the heart is a hopeless romantic.

Deb had recently posted about a woman who had broken up with a boyfriend whom she had believed she loved, because of the fear of the worst case scenario...the 'what if' was too much to deal with. Been there and done that. I'm not in the middle of any 'hot and heavy', but we are always either at a possible beginning, middle or end of a 'hot and heavy'. Even when our mind tells us to slow it down..or to come to our senses because there isn't a chance in hell, there is that muscle that just keeps pumping hope into our 'what if' mentality, the heart.

I've heard of people who have turned their back on love, on romance, on any thing remotely similar to a chance of happiness with another person, and have actually been able to live that way. I've not heard of them ever being the sort of person whose company their friends, or even the Jehovah Witness's, seek out. Sometimes I've felt that I wanted to be that person, but my heart is too loud...too stubborn, too idealistic for me to feel that way for any real amount of time.

Is safety possible in matters of the heart? If you play it safe are you able to really invest 100% of yourself into it and if you don't invest 100% of yourself into it, are you selling the 'what if' short? I mean if you are in a competitive sport, you give 100% of yourself, if you've got a goal at work, you invest 100% of yourself, because we know that without that 100% effort, there could very well be regrets. We have all, at one time or another, gone to sleep at night thinking 'if only I'd'... Is not the chance of real love, the chance of true happiness, worth more? And yet we're so protective of our emotions, strangling any chance of getting hurt or rejected out of the equation, that we will not take a chance on investing 100% of our self, our whole heart, into it.

I know that nothing hurts worse than a broken heart. Nothing. But if there is even a glimmer of hope, the slightest chance of the kind of happiness that only real love gives you, isn't it worth it? Isn't it worth the risk of heartbreak, of rejection, of the kind of tears that come from the pit of your stomach?

What do you think?

Kids

Casey and I celebrated our birthdays last week. My baby is 19 years old. All of my blog friends that have young children, please enjoy every single minute of it. Even on the bad days, and I know there are bad days, you can still pick them up and hold them...snuggle with them or hold their hand. That's not going to last forever. This is one of many things I can speak of from experience.

When Charlie was young, he'd always hold my little finger. Not my whole hand, he'd grab onto my little finger. It was 'our thing'. I miss that terribly. Casey, he'll still hold my hand, but now it's more like 'I love you mom' and not 'I need you mom'...and maybe sometimes it's even 'I feel sorry for you, old woman'...probably, I don't know. Nothing embarrasses Casey, and little embarrasses Charlie. I can take credit for that. :) I've always believed that if you can live through it, you can also get over it.

Casey will be leaving soon for his second year at UNT, and Charlie will be starting his senior year of high school. I don't know how it's possible. I see what wonderful men they are becoming. Both of them honest and caring young men, which I'll also take credit for. :) They're so independent and responsible...well, much more responsible than I was at 18 and 19 years old...or even at 25 years old if I want to be truthful. Casey will still call me 'Mommy' in a way that only he can pull off, and Charlie will sometimes call me Katheryn, in a way that only he can pull off, pronouncing it Katheryyyyyn. Sort of like when he'd hold my little finger, it's 'our thing'. Casey never calls me 'Katheryn' and Charlie never calls me 'Mommy'.

Charlie's band, Forgiven Atrocity, is really doing well. It's not my type of music. I actually love the music, it's the vocals that slay me (sorry, Tony, I love you though!!) but they're getting a lot of recognition and Charlie gets calls from other bands to play bass for them as a fill in. I'm so proud of him. He's got his image on a t-shirt, which is pretty awesome:

How cool is that?? Yeah, he's without shirt or shoes...and that's pretty much how he always plays. Don't know why. He was influenced a lot by Red Hot Chili Peppers, so I'm just glad he's not up there butt naked except for a tube sock on his penis. I'm sure every mother has said that about her son at one time or another, right?? :)

Here is a picture of my guys at my birthday dinner...and as always, they're goofing off. One more year...I'm going to make the most out of it, trust me.