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MY LIFE AS I LIVE IT

I'm a single mom with two great kids living near Dallas, Texas. This is my life; day to day things that are probably only important to me. This is my record of my ups, my downs and the road that I've taken along the way. For whatever reason YOU'RE here, I hope you find something you can enjoy and/or relate to. God bless.

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Location: Dallas, Texas, United States

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Affairs of the heart

When it comes to the heart, people are slow learners. We can try to cover every base...we can spend hours thinking through every scenario, we can have every situation planned and speeches rehearsed; but when the now happens, the heart caves. We can't help it. Whether we are stone cold or not, the heart is a hopeless romantic.

Deb had recently posted about a woman who had broken up with a boyfriend whom she had believed she loved, because of the fear of the worst case scenario...the 'what if' was too much to deal with. Been there and done that. I'm not in the middle of any 'hot and heavy', but we are always either at a possible beginning, middle or end of a 'hot and heavy'. Even when our mind tells us to slow it down..or to come to our senses because there isn't a chance in hell, there is that muscle that just keeps pumping hope into our 'what if' mentality, the heart.

I've heard of people who have turned their back on love, on romance, on any thing remotely similar to a chance of happiness with another person, and have actually been able to live that way. I've not heard of them ever being the sort of person whose company their friends, or even the Jehovah Witness's, seek out. Sometimes I've felt that I wanted to be that person, but my heart is too loud...too stubborn, too idealistic for me to feel that way for any real amount of time.

Is safety possible in matters of the heart? If you play it safe are you able to really invest 100% of yourself into it and if you don't invest 100% of yourself into it, are you selling the 'what if' short? I mean if you are in a competitive sport, you give 100% of yourself, if you've got a goal at work, you invest 100% of yourself, because we know that without that 100% effort, there could very well be regrets. We have all, at one time or another, gone to sleep at night thinking 'if only I'd'... Is not the chance of real love, the chance of true happiness, worth more? And yet we're so protective of our emotions, strangling any chance of getting hurt or rejected out of the equation, that we will not take a chance on investing 100% of our self, our whole heart, into it.

I know that nothing hurts worse than a broken heart. Nothing. But if there is even a glimmer of hope, the slightest chance of the kind of happiness that only real love gives you, isn't it worth it? Isn't it worth the risk of heartbreak, of rejection, of the kind of tears that come from the pit of your stomach?

What do you think?

16 Comments:

Blogger 3carnations said...

If you never risk unhappiness, how can you ever really be happy?

Is this hypothetical, or have you been holding out on us...?

7:08 AM  
Blogger kathi said...

3 c's ~ yeah, I agree, but I'm talking about complete abandonement...jumping in 100% without any protection whatsoever of the heart. I don't know that I've ever, EVER, just put my heart 100% on the line. I've always held back, whether I've tried to keep the upper hand or just protect myself from getting hurt, but I know I've never put myself 100% out there. Have you?

And the answer to your question, I find that I'm always holding back some...even from myself. :)

8:31 AM  
Blogger 3carnations said...

Hmm...Even just thinking of hubby, I know I held back for a long time, and let old hurts lead me (i.e. someone else did this to me, therefore he will, too). For the most part, I think I'm 100% out there now, but once a year or so, I will find that I have an old doubt stop by and intrude...Luckily I am able to shoo them away quickly now.

9:25 AM  
Blogger kathi said...

3 c's ~ thanks hon. That's exactly what I'm talking about.

10:10 AM  
Blogger JC said...

I put myself 100% in my marriage that ended 15 years ago. I want to be in a great relationship but just can't bring myself to go there. At my age, I'm happy just being me. I observe many woman who are obsessive about being in a relationship so they go from one bad relationship to another. I just don't get it. Of course, it may me not them. I've learned that I have to be happy with me before I can be happy with another.

11:56 AM  
Blogger kathi said...

jc ~ do you believe you can only be one or the other (being happy with yourself and/or the ability to be trust enough that you are completely vulnerable)?

12:10 PM  
Blogger LoveLladro said...

When I read this post, I immediately thought of "Whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men." Colossians 3:23. Well, I thought of the first part. The heartily... but then when I read the second part, I got to wondering. Is God saying to do unto him heartily but not to man? I meant for this to clear up things but I am afraid it has left me with more questions.

In my heart of hearts, I say jump in feet first IF you believe and trust that the other person has your best interest at heart. When it's right, I think feet first 100% is the way to go. I just worry about doing so when the other person has little regard for how you land or embracing your vulnerability.

Yeah, I am quite certain I just ran circles but unfortunately, it's all I have ;~)

6:20 PM  
Blogger kathi said...

lovelladro ~ first, love Chase's new pic!!
Second, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your won understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths" This one works too. :) Him I trust...it's me and 'them' that is a little tough sometimes.

8:58 PM  
Blogger DaBich said...

It's scary to bare your heart and your soul to another person. The heart is hard enough, the soul is even tougher. I don't know that we as humans ever totally let it go. But it's worth a huge risk to find a true love. There's nothing sweeter in life.

4:41 AM  
Blogger ~Deb said...

Kathi,

It's so hard, isn't it? To be vulnerable, out there and willing to take the blows if things don't go accordingly.

When you turn your back on true love, because you're angry and 'wanna get back by turning your back' type of thing, you become a very bitter person. Yes, the type that people don't want to associate with. Their attitudes are warped, negative and people tend to draw away from that sort of vibe. Ever notice when you're happy, people are immediately drawn to you?

Now, in Christian views, (cause I know you're Christian), sometimes it's not wise to make the person you love "a God". It comes to the point of idolizing. I've done before and realized I stepped out of my faith for some time because of a relationship that I had given 100% of myself to.

;)

I know you know what I mean.

Love you Kath!

10:35 AM  
Blogger kathi said...

dabich ~ yeah, that's what I'm getting at. I want to find that, not sure I've ever had it where I've felt like I could bare 100% of my heart to anyone, to let them know the real me. I wonder how anyone does that.

deb ~ hon, I'm not talking about putting anyone before God. The only person I've probably ever put before God has been myself...and that never turns out pretty. :)

12:29 PM  
Blogger TJ said...

I don't think that 100% safety is possible in matters of the heart. I think there are degrees of manageable risk, but never total safety dealing on the human level.

2:57 PM  
Blogger Lynilu said...

There are no guarantees, of course. But to not open oneself to the possibility makes for a very sterile life. If one is choosing to live a monastic life for spiritual reasons, that is one thing; but when the choice is cutting off relationships to avoid the *possibility* of hurt, well, that person might as well cut off an arm or a leg. It leaves a person with a huge empty hole.

I think it is wise to exercise caution in matters of the heart, but when given the chance to love and be loved, I'll take it. Yes, it hurts like hell when it doesn't work out. But I can't imagine not giving it a chance. That old adage says it well, you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find the prince.

9:26 AM  
Blogger ~Deb said...

No, I was just talking about my experience, not necessarily yours or assuming that it was the same. :)

1:41 PM  
Blogger Johnnie Avocado said...

you lost me....somewhere towards the biginning. hahaha

7:44 AM  
Blogger Believer 1964 said...

"It is better to have loved and lost than never to have lost at all." -Samuel Butler

Giving of yourself is the only way to gain in relationship!

3:24 AM  

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