WHEN I CALL...
I'm a strong person. I don't back down...well, ever really. I was going to say I don't back down easily, but unless I'm in the wrong, which I have no problem admitting to, I can not be bullied. But, I do get scared. There is a verse in a song I listen to every morning that reminds me of myself when I try to have control over my own life: Sometimes I'm hiding away from the madness around me, like a child who's afraid of the dark. Scared, full of fear and doubt. No one knows better than me how terrifying this feeling is, how wasteful it is to live your life this way. The next verse: But when I call on Jesus, all things are possible, I can mount on wings like eagles' and soar. When I call on Jesus, mountains are gonna fall', cause He'll move heaven and earth to come rescue me when I call.
See, here's the thing; I've SEEN that all things are possible, I've SEEN those mountains fall, BECAUSE I've called on Jesus. I think it was easier for me because I was raised an atheist and I was raised to doubt everything and everybody, so that when I took that leap of faith and challenged God to prove Himself to me at the age of 26, and He did, I was in hook, line and sinker. See, He didn't show me little things...He showed me big things. That very moment I said (actual words) "If You're real, prove it to me", my whole 5 room apartment, every single room, lit up with a gold glow. Seriously, like one of those yellow bug lights, but with an unreal glow. One light was on in that apartment that night at 2:30 in the morning, and yet I walked around for minutes looking at everything, amazed at what was transpiring around me. And then, I felt as if something warm was being slowly poured over my head and down my body. It was the most amazing feeling in my life. I'll never forget it. How could I possibly doubt Him when He proved Himself to me like this. Why like this? I don't know, possibly because I was such a hater. Oh yeah, I was a hater. I was a thief, a drug and sex addict...your all in all user type personality. I'd gotten off work from bartending at 2 a.m., was considering suicide, again, and because of someone witnessing to me at the bar that night, thought...well...what the hell? It's because of that ONE chance I gave Him, He showed Himself to me. Amazing grace truly saved this wretch.
One miracle after another has happened in my life since. Later that same night I turned on the t.v. to see a local charity marathon on with a man speaking that had DJ'd at a club I use to heavily party at. He was now a pastor at a non-denominational church. That next Sunday I visited that church. First church I'd ever stepped into. I sat in the back row. As I sung the words to the song they had on the screen, someone tapped me on my shoulder and said into my ear "when you get home, throw your drugs down the toilet, you don't need them anymore". Embarrassed that someone I knew might be seeing me in a church when I'd made fun of Christians all my life, I turned around to see NO ONE there. I went home and threw everything down the toilet. I'd been addicted since I was in my early teens (speed, ludes, acid, coke, you name it, I had it all) and I haven't touched them since that day. God has revealed Himself to me like this ever since.
I know I've shared this a couple of times before. However, I've gotten a few emails questioning my last post, how I've come to have the faith I have. Because I opened myself up for Him to have the opportunity to move in my life. He was waiting for me, but according to free will, I had to allow Him the opportunity to work in my life. I look back at the years before I came to Him; all the times I'd od'd and barely made it through, the four cars I totaled because I, too, was totaled at the time, my hitchhiking from Indiana to Florida and New Orleans and living for a year with one stranger after another, I see His protection was around me before I'd called on Him. If you'd asked me then, my life wasn't worth living. It was a miserable existence. Yet, He knew what my life was yet to become and though He allowed me my mistakes, He watched over me. He was waiting on me to invite Him into my life. Since I did invite Him into my life...well, one day I'll devote a post, or a series of posts, about the miracles He's worked in my life since that night in my apartment so many years ago.
Now, every morning on my way into work, I plug my ipod into my car and listen to Nicole Mullen's Call On Jesus. I drive into work every morning with happy tears, a hand raised, and my spiritual armor strong. By the time my day starts, I'm stronger than ever. I know I've put this video on my blog before, but,one more time, I want to share with y'all part of what I do every day to prepare myself for what this world will throw at me.
I've also learned to say...command, actually, with all authority that God has given me through His Son, Christ Jesus, PEACE...BE STILL, to the problems that raise their ugly head. We have authority. PLEASE KNOW THAT YOU, THROUGH CHRIST, HAVE AUTHORITY. How it must break God's heart to see us go through what we do, beaten and trodden down, when we don't have to. If you have a minute (and I'm sorry I've gone on and on), please watch the video...listen to the words, and open your hearts.
Love you all.