Saying goodbye to 2009
I know I’ve been absent from blogging, and I apologize for that. I appreciate all the friends I’ve made here, and the readers that I’ve been able to touch around the world amazes me. I am so thankful for the opportunity to have been a part of your lives. Not only from this blog, but from those who’ve stumbled upon my Christian blog. The letters and stories I’ve gotten from people bless me and leave me humbled. God has been good to me, and I’m thankful for each of you.
I have been writing constantly, even though I’ve not been able to post, I’ve been very busy literally turning my life into an open book. But one of my ‘new year resolutions’ is to start posting, to all of my blogs, at least weekly.
2009 was an amazing year. I shared a little in my last post before Thanksgiving how things changed in 2009. Financially, things have changed tremendously. Being on the side of giving instead of needing is a huge blessing. God has blessed me and being able to bless others is the biggest rush. I don’t know if God led me to or if I simply sought out mothers in the same situation as I was last year, but being able to make a difference in someone’s life this Christmas (as others did in mine last Christmas) was awesome. The Christmas we had at my house was possibly the best one we’ve ever had. Not because of the gifts, but because of the joy my house was full of. I had my boys home, and any time I’ve got them under the same roof, I’m a happy mama. We celebrated Charlie’s 19th birthday Christmas eve, how that is possible is beyond me. But this last year has seen Charlie through the ‘I’m full grown’ stage, where I had to ask him to leave and he moved in with his father, to the ‘thank you for all you do for me’ stage; he cooks and offers to help in ways I’d not even thought of, which has allowed me to welcome him back home. He still stays at his dads occasionally, which I’m sure his dad is as grateful for as I am grateful for my occasional alone time. Casey continues to grow into a stronger man of God than I’d ever imagined possible, but I stand by the ‘raise up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it’ promise with both of my boys. Some fruit just ripens faster than others. :)
2009 has continued to bless me with my job. I love my job. How many people can say that they never regret having to go to work? Well, I honestly can. I not only love my job, but I love each of the 31 women and five doctors that I work with. We lost an amazing woman this year to cancer, and even though there is light missing from our office, I have no doubt I’ll see her again.
2009 also brought love into my life. I’d doubted my heart was capable of real love, but I fell in love with someone I’d known since high school. I knew for the first time in many, many years what it was like to love without boundaries; to put myself in a vulnerable position and trust without fear. I learned so much from this relationship, and disappointment was one of the things I learned. I don’t regret anything and I’d rather love and be disappointed than to have never loved this way at all. My heart, well, it’s a tough cookie. Love is a forever thing with me, and it doesn’t just come and go. I like this about myself, yet, it’s not good for my dating life. I’m not a fan of dating, I’m more of the ‘let’s be friends’ than ‘I want a relationship’ kind of girl. Most men my age, and actually, even those younger, tend to be looking for a relationship. Though I honestly wish I could be open to a relationship, I’m a 'one man' type of woman. I just don’t find men interchangeable. Funny thing, though, I mourned the loss of this love; my heart, my soul, my very being, actually ached...still aches, and yet when Mark walked out in 2006, I couldn’t change the locks fast enough. What’s been hardest is that I wasn’t a fan of dating before because I couldn’t, I wouldn’t, fake feeling something I didn’t and now it’s even harder because I know what that feeling should actually be...and I can’t, I won’t, encourage someone getting serious over me when I know I’ll not be able to reciprocate. Besides, men who are looking for something serious tend to get frustrated with me when I'm honest with them from the beginning. For some reason men tend to think that, given time, I'll change my mind. I've never been known for that. :) I can’t imagine finding love like this again, but that’s okay. Some people never find it. Plus, I have a habit of trusting God. I have no doubt that He’ll lead me to where he wants me to go in both heart and body.
I can’t help whom I love, and whom I don’t.
I can’t say I’m in love when I’m not,
and I can’t say I’m not in love when I am.
I can’t help whom my heart lets in and whom it doesn’t.
I can’t help whom I’ve cried for and whom I’ve made cry.
I just can’t.
So, 2009 may have had it's ups and downs, but it's never kept me down. I've found Amber and Kristen, the daughters of a close friend I'd lost many years ago, and they are now like my own family. I love them completely. I've also welcomed three young adults from Taiwan: Mavis, Angela and Mathew, and Kayleen, from Korea, into my ever expanding family, thanks to Casey. Casey honestly brings the best people into my life. I've survived Charlie's short lived rebellious stage and still have my sons as my two best friends. The boys were both able to purchase good, reliable transportation for themselves (if you're an aged reader of this blog, you'll remember the tales of woe for Casey's 'Old Yeller' and Charlie's car that wouldn't pass inspection) and are both blessed with vehicles they are proud of and that I don't need to be concerned about...always a plus. Both of the boys have good solid jobs that they enjoy, as do I. And...well, I fell in love. There is my 2009 in a slightly condensed version. I say condensed, and you say ‘will she ever shut up?’. Well, the answer is yes.
Happy New Year to each of you. As always, I pray that God will fill your heart with Peace and your days with Joy abundant.