Fallen
Lately I have a hard time turning my mind off. I can take meds to make me sleep, and sleep will come, but there are those times when you want to sit back, watch the world around you and let peace consume you. Lately, peace doesn't come easily to me.
I'm not going through any hard times. Actually, praise God, this is probably one of the most 'comfortable' times of my life. Finances are not an issue, I love my job, my boys make me proud of them daily and I'm blessed with good people who care about me. I'm faced with the daily obstacles that each of us are, and I try to stay focused on the future because the past has been laid to rest...only, I haven't actually laid my past to rest. There are things that my mind refuses to let go of.
We're all guilty of things we'll not share, and I'm no different...as in I'll not share this particular guilt I'm carrying. This morning as I stood in praise at church I felt overwhelmed and I quit singing, I lowered my hands and my head and I began to cry. This isn't anything new, I never feel closer to Him than I do during praise, whether it be public or private. But this morning, I guess it's because of the guilt I've been carrying (though I've long since confessed it to Him, have asked for His forgiveness and have no doubt that I've received it) I just needed time with Him. In the midst of hundreds around me, there was only He and I. As I felt the tears free themselves from my eyes, I told Him that I keep falling short of Him. I'm so, so very sorry, but no matter how devoted I am to the journey to follow Him, I sometimes feel like I keep falling short. As if the hundreds were no longer there, I felt alone with Him. As if there was an echo in my being I heard Him say 'It's okay, I'll come to you, I'll always meet you where you are' and in my mind I pictured me fallen, on my knees, and Him racing to me. Yes, I made a mistake, but I'm the one that is having a hard time letting it go, not Him.
Sometimes I'm reminded of Paul's thorn in the flesh (II Cor. 12:7-10), and I wonder if maybe I'm just unable to let it go, regardless of the sorrow and guilt I feel. I know that my soul belongs to Him, and I have no doubt that He loves me. Yet, I feel as if I'm missing something...like I'm not quite whole, and I find it hard to rest. My heart feels torn; like a puzzle missing a piece, it feels incomplete.
I'm grateful for His patience and His healing. I'm in need of both.
I'm not going through any hard times. Actually, praise God, this is probably one of the most 'comfortable' times of my life. Finances are not an issue, I love my job, my boys make me proud of them daily and I'm blessed with good people who care about me. I'm faced with the daily obstacles that each of us are, and I try to stay focused on the future because the past has been laid to rest...only, I haven't actually laid my past to rest. There are things that my mind refuses to let go of.
We're all guilty of things we'll not share, and I'm no different...as in I'll not share this particular guilt I'm carrying. This morning as I stood in praise at church I felt overwhelmed and I quit singing, I lowered my hands and my head and I began to cry. This isn't anything new, I never feel closer to Him than I do during praise, whether it be public or private. But this morning, I guess it's because of the guilt I've been carrying (though I've long since confessed it to Him, have asked for His forgiveness and have no doubt that I've received it) I just needed time with Him. In the midst of hundreds around me, there was only He and I. As I felt the tears free themselves from my eyes, I told Him that I keep falling short of Him. I'm so, so very sorry, but no matter how devoted I am to the journey to follow Him, I sometimes feel like I keep falling short. As if the hundreds were no longer there, I felt alone with Him. As if there was an echo in my being I heard Him say 'It's okay, I'll come to you, I'll always meet you where you are' and in my mind I pictured me fallen, on my knees, and Him racing to me. Yes, I made a mistake, but I'm the one that is having a hard time letting it go, not Him.
Sometimes I'm reminded of Paul's thorn in the flesh (II Cor. 12:7-10), and I wonder if maybe I'm just unable to let it go, regardless of the sorrow and guilt I feel. I know that my soul belongs to Him, and I have no doubt that He loves me. Yet, I feel as if I'm missing something...like I'm not quite whole, and I find it hard to rest. My heart feels torn; like a puzzle missing a piece, it feels incomplete.
I'm grateful for His patience and His healing. I'm in need of both.
posted by kathi | 7:15 PM
9 Comments:
Perhaps some struggles stay with us more than others do.
Whatever the purpose, I know God has a plan.
believer ~ I believe that too, and I will forever trust in that.
there is no piece missing in the puzzle, you have faith, that is your piece.
Forgiving ourselves is more difficult than forgiving others.
Guilt can consume us. In some ways, I appreciate guilt, because it reminds us to do better...But once we get that reminder, it would be nice if the guilt would go away long enough for us to actually get a chance to try to do better. :-)
jbt ~ yeah, I changed that to 'it feels incomplete', because you're right...still, can't help the way I feel. I'm trying though...just taking time for me.
3 c's ~ it would be nice, wouldn't it? :)
I feel incomplete as well. Not sure how my words can help. You are not alone, sweetie. That is all I have.
Wow...do I ever identify with this post Kathi. For some reason, the sins and trials of our past like taunt us at times. I pray that God calms your mind and gives you His peace about this matter. You are such a blessing!!
Have not been here in some time kathi but I do think of you ....you were one of my first blogger friends and the lovely comments you left gave me encouragement with my writing.
May God give you the peace of mind you are seeking.
Joy and blessings to you, always!
Margie:)
leesa ~ been awhile, I've missed you.
michelle ~ that means a great deal to me...and thank you.
margie ~ you're so precious, thank you.
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