Different Roads

I'm very careful with my heart. Always have been, and chances are good that I always will be. Probably has a lot to do with the growing up in the family I did. Not much love or affection there. I wonder if I've missed out on a lot though. Even the pain I've not opened myself up to, is it something that I wish I'd experienced? I've been reading a lot in blogs lately about broken hearts and tears, and this will probably sound crazy (don't worry, I'm probably already taking a pill for it if it does) but I'm a little jealous of not ever having experienced those things.

I've had hundreds of boyfriends, or relationships or one nighters, whatever you want to call them (hey, it's not nice to throw stones), but none that I shed a tear over. I think I cried over my first husband, but probably out of frustration that he kept making it back home. I mean, c'mon...how completely loaded do you have to be to total a motorcycle and still walk away. Apparently he had it down to a science. Sometimes it just doesn't pay to keep that life insurance up to date.

I was reading sweet Joey's blog the other day about the fear of falling in love. I think my comment was the only one that wasn't 'romantic', and it hit me, I'm not romantic. I've never really fantasized over love. Another one of my favorite people, Anne , posted the other day about friends hurting her feelings. It's all got me to thinking, do I not let people matter enough to me to hurt me? If I have, then how come I've never been hurt? I've had friends that I've let go, because of one reason or another, but I've never regretted cutting them lose.

I've hurt for other people. When friends have lost loved ones, when my kids get their feelings hurt or when Mark has to go for treatment. So, I know I'm not heartless. But what have I missed out on by never having my heart broken. I've known anger, I've known forgiveness, I've known loss when loved ones have passed on. I wonder if my heart is calloused from my youth. Sometimes I really want to know 'what is this pain you speak of'? It doesn't sound like fun, it doesn't sound like something that ever really even heals completely...so why do I feel like I've missed out on something by never having experienced it?

I think that I built walls around me from a young age to protect myself emotionally since I couldn't protect myself physically. I've never torn those walls down. Perhaps the ones that are able to feel this emotional pain never had to separate themselves with invisible walls, perhaps they felt safe growing up. Maybe they were nurtured and loved, protected by those that are suppose to protect. Maybe having the ability to be hurt by someone, having the ability to know a broken heart is something that we are suppose to able to experience as human beings. I wonder how I can begin to tear down the walls that I've grown so accustomed to that I didn't even realize I had them. I wonder if I can, or if it's too late.