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MY LIFE AS I LIVE IT

I'm a single mom with two great kids living near Dallas, Texas. This is my life; day to day things that are probably only important to me. This is my record of my ups, my downs and the road that I've taken along the way. For whatever reason YOU'RE here, I hope you find something you can enjoy and/or relate to. God bless.

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Location: Dallas, Texas, United States

Monday, April 03, 2006

Different Roads

I'm very careful with my heart. Always have been, and chances are good that I always will be. Probably has a lot to do with the growing up in the family I did. Not much love or affection there. I wonder if I've missed out on a lot though. Even the pain I've not opened myself up to, is it something that I wish I'd experienced? I've been reading a lot in blogs lately about broken hearts and tears, and this will probably sound crazy (don't worry, I'm probably already taking a pill for it if it does) but I'm a little jealous of not ever having experienced those things.

I've had hundreds of boyfriends, or relationships or one nighters, whatever you want to call them (hey, it's not nice to throw stones), but none that I shed a tear over. I think I cried over my first husband, but probably out of frustration that he kept making it back home. I mean, c'mon...how completely loaded do you have to be to total a motorcycle and still walk away. Apparently he had it down to a science. Sometimes it just doesn't pay to keep that life insurance up to date.

I was reading sweet Joey's blog the other day about the fear of falling in love. I think my comment was the only one that wasn't 'romantic', and it hit me, I'm not romantic. I've never really fantasized over love. Another one of my favorite people, Anne , posted the other day about friends hurting her feelings. It's all got me to thinking, do I not let people matter enough to me to hurt me? If I have, then how come I've never been hurt? I've had friends that I've let go, because of one reason or another, but I've never regretted cutting them lose.

I've hurt for other people. When friends have lost loved ones, when my kids get their feelings hurt or when Mark has to go for treatment. So, I know I'm not heartless. But what have I missed out on by never having my heart broken. I've known anger, I've known forgiveness, I've known loss when loved ones have passed on. I wonder if my heart is calloused from my youth. Sometimes I really want to know 'what is this pain you speak of'? It doesn't sound like fun, it doesn't sound like something that ever really even heals completely...so why do I feel like I've missed out on something by never having experienced it?

I think that I built walls around me from a young age to protect myself emotionally since I couldn't protect myself physically. I've never torn those walls down. Perhaps the ones that are able to feel this emotional pain never had to separate themselves with invisible walls, perhaps they felt safe growing up. Maybe they were nurtured and loved, protected by those that are suppose to protect. Maybe having the ability to be hurt by someone, having the ability to know a broken heart is something that we are suppose to able to experience as human beings. I wonder how I can begin to tear down the walls that I've grown so accustomed to that I didn't even realize I had them. I wonder if I can, or if it's too late.

23 Comments:

Blogger Casually Me said...

You have the makings of a wonderful career as a serial killer if you would just give up the trappings of a happy marriage, greak kids, and a wonderful life. Playing... One thing I do know is that I rarely care of think about pain like longing, heartbreak, or junk like that when I have someone. Kind of like I don't care about money, unless I don't have any. Maybe your memory is jaded and biased by the great life you know enjoy? Still loving your blog...

7:50 PM  
Blogger kathi said...

cm ~ yeah, well...wish I was still enjoying your blog. Don't you miss blogging? Don't you think it's time for you to start again??? :)

8:01 PM  
Blogger Tom Serafini, Actor to the Stars! said...

Hmmm...Thinking.

I read this quickly because my mind is now racing through a dozen different things so if I missed the point please don't be mad at my musings...

I've found that my mind is my own worst enemy as well as my most valuable tool. When it goes it's own way and sinks into despair, anger, heart breaking pain etc, I find that it produced the deepest most beautiful poetry. Pain sucks, it is not fun and it never heals completely. But in pain there is the heart of the character; you. During those times you understand what you're made of. Anyone who has ever opened their heart to anyone or anything has felt it.

If you believe you have not felt this then indeed you missed out. I think you may be kidding (or shielding) yourself. You've been through enough to know if you've felt it or not. What did you feel when you lost your mother and grandmother? Your pets? (don't tell me because it's none of my business) There is that pain I speak of...

You know it, you've felt it. Perhaps it's that you expected it to destroy you but you are strong enough to overcome...

So - about those hundreds of one-nighters...

8:35 PM  
Blogger Keasty said...

Just chasing up OUR GIRL Kathi. Seems appropriate as we head towards Texas (Waco) via Wichita.
Cheers

9:10 PM  
Blogger Keasty said...

Just thought I'd let you know that Fay and I are taking a car from Kansas City to Wichita and on to Waco! Car's gotta be in Waco Friday... although I'd rather see if we can make that Monday. Mayeb you can send us to a good church for Good Friday.
Hey, does that go past your place or not? Give us a yell if you'd like to come out with us for a coffee or whatever!

9:22 PM  
Blogger True Blue Guy said...

In many ways I think you are lucky that your heart has never been broken, but I am not sure that you had to put up with to build that resistance is worth it

Me, i used to get my heart broken too easily, but over the past few years i've been more careful

cheers

11:23 PM  
Blogger HuneeB said...

Kathi I read your post and I was reminded of all the poems, letters and stream of consciousness I have uncovered about pain dealt to me. I took me back for a moment. In many ways I think you are truly blessed to not have felt all the emotions that you talk about but I think in other ways you have felt it, many times. If you have the walls more than likely you have built them out of defense of pain. And in reading your blog you have in fact felt some of the same sorts of pain but I think that you have gotten to such a lovely and sincere part of life that you are able to forgive, let go and forget. I think that is part of what makes you so beautiful. :)

2:57 AM  
Blogger HuneeB said...

but then again what do I really know?

:)

2:58 AM  
Blogger ~Deb said...

You can call it ‘walls’ you can call it a ‘safety net’; for whatever reason you shut down your feelings---wait----wrong words----you didn’t ‘feel’ anything or make it a personal issue, I admire that. I admire the fact that you didn’t get so personal with your friends that you ended up hurting over it. You didn’t make yourself vulnerable to past lovers which would make your heart break when the relationship ended. Sometimes we have to go through things in order to learn something from it. I think you went through ‘other’ things to learn from them…it just wasn’t about ‘love’, or ‘hurt’, because you didn’t need to learn anymore. You do love----- and it’s your husband and family. The type that is complete and unconditional.

9:02 AM  
Blogger Leesa said...

This reminds me of a song that, among others, is sung by Celtic Woman (Send me a Song):

don’t look back when you reach the new shore
don’t forget what you’re leaving me for
don’t forget when you’re missing me so
love must never hold, never hold tight but let go

11:14 AM  
Blogger Nikki Jo said...

Just remember...it's never too late Kathi. Something can always be done to change things. It all depends on whether or not your truely want to do so.

Love ya :)

12:43 PM  
Blogger kathi said...

tom ~ sure, I've felt loss with the death of family and/or pets...but I don't believe death is a forever kind of loss, I know I'll be with them again. I honestly believe that you may mourn your loss, but celebrate their gain. My belief. :)
Those hundreds are just a blur without many names. Part of the addictive personality.

keasty ~ glad y'all are having such a great time. You'll love Waco. I've been there a couple of times, been a few years though. Hope you get to see some of Texas' gorgeous country. You're a great deal away from me, but you've got to remember that I'm painfully shy. :)

tbg ~ you come off to me as the kind of sweetheart of a guy that would get his hearbroken. You make a good point too.

huneeb ~ thank you, sincerely. Thanks for the mention on your blog and for sharing the poem.

deb ~ I. Adore. You.

leesa ~ I love that, thank you for sharing! I love celtic music, especially Loreena McKennitt. Do you know her music?

12:51 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

i fully agree with deb and huneeb

i would say that you feel things cautiously but deeply and so while you missed the 'easy' heartbreak that comes from impetuous fallings i don't think you can underestimate the long slow 'hard' heartbreak that comes with finding yourself wishing that he had killed himself when he killed the motorcycle.

to me the second is a lot deeper and harder to heal...

1:12 PM  
Blogger Stacy-Deanne said...

I don't think it's too late, Kat. I got the feeling you are depressed these days. I am sorry if you are. I don't know if something is going on with you personally but I get the feeling there is. I hope you can get past whatever is happening in your life. I maybe wrong, but if not I hope you can cope with everything. Visit my blog. I got a movie post that will cheer you up. Plus check out my latest ITL interview. Love you!

6:11 PM  
Blogger kathi said...

sass ~ I love you, you're becoming one of my favorites.

stacy d ~ nope, sweetie, can't say I'm depressed lately. Angry, irritable, nasty tempered and highly hostile, but pretty much normal. LOL, just kidding. Not to worry about me. I'm fine!!

8:34 PM  
Blogger Wes said...

Had my share of the ol' relationship bug. It's nothing you'd want, believe me. Too friggin' difficult to worry about anymore.

But it's not too late to tear down those walls :)

9:21 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

kathi *blush* thanks! i love your blog too.

i love that in the blogverse you get to read about someone else's life with their permission... it's like being invited instead of spying.

i think it makes us all better for it...

11:09 PM  
Blogger Anne said...

Oh kathi..first of thank you..you are one of my favorite people too..

This post made me sad...not that I ever want you to hurt..but I just wonder what else (good stuff) might not be getting through those walls either.

11:05 AM  
Blogger :phil: said...

Kathi,
We all have our ways to try to cope with what life hurls our way.

12:07 PM  
Blogger Shawn said...

hmm...from what I've seen others go through, I don't ever want to feel deep romantic heartache.

3:54 PM  
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