Still Standing

It's hard for me to take someone at their word. I've always had a problem trusting people, my problem being rooted in the physically abusive home I was reared in. Nothing in my years since has really given me reason to change that characteristic. Especially in the last year. I'm more cynical than most, I'll readily agree to that. I tend to keep people at a distance, and regardless of how hard they try to penetrate my armor, I seldom let them in.

When I was a little girl, I lived in fear a lot. My mom, though I've completely forgiven her and still love her with all my heart (she passed in 1991), was mentally ill before they had medication available like Prozac, Lexapro and all the other meds that are available today. She was not a stable person and my dad, well, he wasn't around much. So, much of my childhood was living in fear of the next beating or the next tirade. My bedroom was wallpapered with ballerinas dancing in various poses on a pink background. I'd hide in my closet and get lost in those ballerinas. They were my escape because my reality scared me. Though I've lost much of my memory from my past, I remember clearly those ballerinas and how I'd wish I could simply join them, leaving the world minus one frightened little girl.

That was so many, many years ago, and yet that little girl is still huddled with her knees drawn up to her chest, hiding in the darkest closet of my being. I've learned, though, that I'm strong enough to be hurt and remain standing. I can take the beating that life sometimes dishes out, and remain standing. I can weather the abuse that people try to beat me down with, and I will remain standing. I am that little girl, still, afraid to let people get close enough to me to hurt me...but I've learned that even though I do occasionally get sucker punched by life, it can not take me down. I stand, in the midst of all those ballerinas, I stand.

Who's To Say?

I love a good debate, even a good, but fair, argument. I think that 'hitting below the belt' shows signs of lacking a good comeback, where one's intelligence has tested it's limits and has hit a brick wall. Then things can get ugly. But, taking that out of equation, I think debating issues stirs the emotions that make people think, gives them reason to speak up and encourages good communication.

People who agree with everything I say bring about a couple of things from me. One is boredom, and the next is distrust. If you agree with everything I say, you either have no opinion (or backbone), or you're lying.

Two of my oldest and best blog buddies, deb and lisa, are a couple of the most outspoken people I know. They're intelligent, passionate and caring women. We have many things in common, and many things we differ on. One thing we share is that we speak up. Many of you made your way over to wes' blog yesterday and that was a great little debate going on over there. I loved it, and as Wes pointed out, it never turned ugly. Emotions came out in the way of sarcasm, maybe, but that's not getting ugly. I love sarcasm. To me, it's a sign of intelligence and people who can't take sarcasm are simply too thin skinned. But, that's my opinion.
My best friend, Katy, always tells me what she thinks. She's never disguised her true feelings with me, even if I'd wanted her to sometimes, because she believes that what she had to say is what I needed to hear. At the time, it may have rubbed me a bit raw, but it gave me reason to think about what she said because I know she loves me and she's an honest and intelligent person. I can count on her, always, to be a voice of reason.

My first marriage was a roller coaster of a ride. It's highs were great and it's lows were devastating. But it was full of emotion, and I prefer that to boring. I hate boring. No opinion is boring. No discussion is boring. Never disagreeing is boring. Any of you that have talked to me in person, on the phone or on-line, know full well that I can have a complete argument with myself because I'll play both sides sometimes to see where I need to meet myself in the middle...compromise.

The subject for this post is that it's not only okay, but good, to disagree. Especially if it brings about discussing, debating and even a good, friendly argument. It gives one an outlet for their emotions. Harboring one's emotions is never a good thing. We've all seen the results of emotions that kept being buried until there was no more room and then they explode. That's a dangerous result of not expressing your opinion.

I appreciate differences.

Good Puppy

Sweet Abi came by to visit today. Casey came inside to get me, telling me that Abi was outside and that she had a dog with her! We're dog people, anyone who reads my blog knows that, so as much as I love Abi, I was even more excited to go outside and see the dog.

I walked out behind Casey to see Abi kneeling down behind this adorable pup that honestly looked like it was smiling from ear to ear.

As Casey and I walked towards them, naturally I'm ooohhhing and awwwwing and, suddenly, this sweet thing comes charging at us in total attack mode and that smile had turned into an extremely intimidating baring of teeth.

Not that it's important, but did I fail to mention Abi's dog is a pit bull? Abi had her on a leash, and she was sure testing it's distance!

As I kept going towards the dog (yeah, I'm an idiot) I'm telling Casey to "stay away from her, she's a pit bull". Now that I think about that, that wasn't the right thing to say. I don't have anything against pit bulls, but their bite tends to do more damage than other dogs. Abi explains that her dog, Sadie (love that name), doesn't care much for males so I told Casey to go inside. I wanted Sadie to like me so I could love on her. But even after Casey went inside, it took Sadie quite awhile to warm up to me. But, finally she did. When I'd scratch her head and ears, she'd just lean into me and she was soooo soft. I love that she's so protective of Abi, because I'm very protective of Abi also. The great thing about this dog is her 'smile'. She has these white marks on her face and around her mouth, and when she's got her mouth open, she honestly looks like she has this huge grin. Adorable.

Pictures? Of course I've got pictures!

I wish I could have gotten a better picture of her 'smiling'. She was sweet though, nearly as sweet as her owner. :)

The boys and I went to see Hot Fuzz over the weekend. I didn't really want to see it, but the boys insisted I go to get me out of the house. I'm glad I went, it was pretty funny. Not anything like I thought it would be, and not as funny as I thought it would be either. But it was worth seeing. The boys liked it a lot, they thought it was "great".

My friend, Lisa, had the prom experience at her house this weekend. Please drop by her blog to see pictures of her gorgeous daughter, Becca, and read another mom's story about her child growing up.

Oh, and my buddy, Wes, has got quite the blog of controversy going on today. Stop by and respond so I can read your comments over there.

Enjoy your day, y'all. :)

Finger Quiz

You Are the Thumb

You're unique and flexible. And you defy any category. Mentally strong and agile, you do things your own way. And you do them well. You are a natural leader... but also truly a loner. You inspire many but connect with few. You get along well with: The Middle Finger Stay away from: The Pinky

What Finger Are You?

Got this from Kidd. She's the middle finger :)

Love Never Walks Away

So, FINALLY, Sanjaya has been voted off AI. The kid had tears, and it was sad, to me, because he's my Casey's age and I know how hard it'd have to be for a teen to have gone through all the media ridicule he's endured. Add to that the cheering he heard when he was told he was going home, he looked shocked. I have to wonder, though, was he really that oblivious to how he sounded compared to the others? He may have had a precious voice singing in Church with a choir or the occasional solo, but could he honestly not hear the difference between himself and the others? I know this is probably unreasonable, but I honestly believe he should have, even at 17, been man enough to step down when he saw the talent being sacrificed in the bottom three the last few weeks.

Casey brought home his graduation announcements and his cap and gown this week. If you don't have children yet, you can't possibly understand what I'm going through. I am so excited for him, he's starting a wonderful and exciting chapter of his life, and as someone who loves him so much, I couldn't be happier for him. I'm also living 24/7 concealing from him a heart that's ripping apart. Not only because I simply can't imagine his smile not being around me daily, or hearing his laugh or watching the silly faces he makes or even to enjoy his purposely getting his brother riled on occasion, but because it's a terrifying world out there. For those of you who have young ones at home, I know you understand. It's hard to imagine a day when those sweet little arms that cling to your neck will let go and walk out of your door into a life that doesn't include telling you good morning and good night each and every day.
As we were addressing his announcements, he and I became painfully aware that we are very alone. I don't have any family, none. On his fathers side, all but one uncle abandoned us when his dad did. We sat there last night, putting the cards together without envelopes to put them in. I'm so glad that it was a Wednesday night and that he and Charlie had Church to go to. I try to think of what I could have done differently, how could I have made it easier...better, for Casey. It breaks my heart to see him hurting. I can't help that my family has passed, I can't help that Mark walked out or that his family walked away with him. I think 'how could anyone consciously turn their back on these precious kids?' and I simply don't know. I know the boys wonder too. I've heard them talk about it among themselves, but they always put on smiles when I'm around...or try to. Ninety nine percent of the time we're good, but that one percent when we're not is very hard. It's then that we're programmed as human beings to fall back on family, and we simply don't have any. I am so grateful for the closeness the boys and I have, though, and we will always have each other. We've proven to each other that we will not walk away, we will stand with each other whether it's to laugh together or to wipe one anothers tears. It's much more than some have, I know, and we're grateful. It's just that sometimes, it's painfully obvious how much we're missing.

Prom

Thursday night Casey and Charlie went to Men's Warehouse to pick up Casey's tux. They said the place was packed and they had to wait quite awhile. Finally they called on Casey and he disappeared for what Charlie said was a very long time. In the mean while, many women were in there with their sons, or waiting on their sons, all getting ready for Saturday's prom. Finally Casey came out of the dressing room in his tux and they checked to make sure it fitted properly and all, after which Casey went back into the dressing room. One of the moms then came up to Charlie and said "your boyfriend looked so handsome in his tux"...to which Charlie replied, with a smile, "thank you". This is going to be one of my favorite stories.

Saturday, Casey and his date, Kasey, met with a group of friends that they were going to the prom with, at the home of one of the girls. Seven kids, one stretch limo and 16 parents and family taking their pictures. It was a lot of fun. The kids left in the limo, after the parents had their fill of picture taking, and went to Colby Steak. I've never been there, but I guess it's a japanese hibachi style resturant. Casey loved it. After dinner they went on to the prom, which was at the Plano Center (for those of you from around here) until around midnight, then to the after prom party that was held at the high school from midnight until 5 a.m. After which, a group of them headed to IHOP and had breakfast. Casey got home a little after 7 a.m., took a bit of a nap and then made it to Church in time to help coach the children's church second service. Believe it or not, after service, he volunteered for the rest of the afternoon building new sets for the children's church. I had to call him at 5 p.m. and make him come home to get some rest. Man, to be young again. Anyway, here are some of the prom pictures I took:

I took 72 pictures with my camera. Yup, y'all are getting off easy. Actually, I'm sure I'll post more later (it's hard to just choose a few) when I get the pictures they had taken at the prom. Let me just say that Kasey looked so beautiful...she's got the most contagious smile.

Casey had a great time, it's something he'll remember for a very long time, and it was worth every penny...all 50,000 of them, that it cost me. :) I am so proud of this kid of mine.

My Charlie

Both of the boys woke up Friday morning with sore throats and a bit of a fever. They went to the doctor and as luck would have it, they both had strep throat. Casey got a big shot of penicillin and they were both put on anitbiotics. I was rather concerned because Saturday was prom, but by Saturday morning they both felt better.
I've got some great prom pictures that I'll be posting, but I want to wait till he get's home and tells me about his night.
So, while we were waiting for Casey to get ready, I took some pictures of Charlie. He's such a rock star in the making.

Food Fight

Casey got in a bit of mess :). They had a food fight for the high schoolers at Church last night. Casey had gone early to help set it up, and it included ketchup, mustard, ranch dressing, chocolate pudding and dog food. Yup, dog food...canned dog food.
Charlie chose not to participate, but he did take the pictures to show me when I got home last night. By the time I got home, Casey had showered and had all of his clothes and the towels he used in his car washed and already in the dryer. He also took Kasey, his prom date, to the food fight. It was her first time to visit our Church and Casey said she jumped right in and got down and dirty with the best of them. My kind of girl.
I'm really glad Charlie took the pictures, I'd hated to have missed this.


















Good times.

Changing it up

I need to post something new because my Easter post is getting Wes' hopes up every time he sees the video picture.
We can finally relax now that we know the paternity of baby Danielynn. I know Tom is a bit disappointed that he failed yet another test, sorry guy. Speaking of Tom, he and I watched The Shield together last night, via Sprint Wireless, but he got ahead of me when I paused it on my dvr to take care of something going on here at home, and nearly spoiled it for me before I told him to shut up and hung up on him. I love having a friend that knows me so well that being myself doesn't offend him. I have 3 of them, and it's the best thing in the world.
Prom is this weekend. I'm as worried about Lisa's daughter's prom dress as I am about...well, I'm not actually worried about anything concerning Casey's prom (though I am wondering what he's gonna do with his hair), but I am concerned about Becca's dress!
Oh, and back to Tom, we were talking about Imus and Sharpton last night. Though we have basically the same opinions, reaching them through different reasoning, Wes tied it all up in a pretty bow today in his post. Wes is good at that.
That's it for me today, I'm off to sub. Enjoy your day.

Easter...to me

Easter has turned into something sweet, soft and fuzzy, and looking pretty for Church. Those things are great, bearing in mind what Easter truly is. It was a cruel, painful and heartbreaking three days...and above all, it was and is LOVE. His love for us.

If I could drive one thing home to anyone, it would be that Christ did not come to save the righteous, but the sinner. Thank God, that means He came for me...and for you. To celebrate His resurrection this Easter, you must also celebrate His brutal death. To forget what He went through would diminish His resurrection.

With all of that said, I can not apologize for the graphic reality in this video. I hope it will touch you. May God bless your Easter with the understanding of the true gift you have been given.

Wasted Mistakes

I've been lost a few times in my life. I'm not talking about my being directionally challenged, because we all know that I can get lost walking across the street. I'm talking about in life. I've taken the wrong road many times. Most of those times were with my eyes wide open and knowing full well that there wouldn't be a happy ending. I've been stubborn my entire life. Knowing that the road couldn't lead to a good place, if I was at all curious about what was down that road, I still took it.

I've never been afraid to admit when I made a wrong choice. Some of them would be pretty hard to cover up, but even the ones that could go undetected, I'd readily admit to. I have no problem saying 'you were right, and I was wrong'. Pride has never been my strong suit. It has been a major problem for me, however, when others pride got in their way...or in my way. It irritates me terribly when people can not admit their mistakes and take responsibility for them. Big deal, everyone makes mistakes. Everyone makes small mistakes, everyone makes big mistakes. Own it.

High School, college, hitching around the country...lot's of wrong roads. Drugs, sex, lying, stealing and cheating...lot's of wrong roads. Could I have become the person I am today without the wrong roads? Absolutely, I believe I was who I am now from the beginning. Did they build character? I don't know, I've been called a character, is that the same thing? No, I don't believe doing the wrong thing ever builds character. Not at all. What those wrong roads embedded in me, though, is the ability to recognize when someone else is, or has been, on those same roads. Fellow travelers, if you will. Whether it's in their eyes, in their spirit or in the lies they tell. I recognize them. I have a kinship with them. It's what draws teenagers to me, it's what got me involved in the prison ministry years and years ago, it's what keeps me on my toes with Charlie. Kinship of those who are contemplating on taking the wrong road, those who are on it now or those who have been on many a wrong road in the past.

If I had chose to cover up those mistakes, those wrong roads I took, it would all have been for nothing. If I couldn't say 'you're right, I was wrong', then I wouldn't be the sort of person people could trust, or would listen to. Who would trust someone who couldn't admit to having ever been wrong? Whether you were wrong about the time a t.v. show came on, the price of beans or the road you should have taken and didn't, if you're wrong, say you were wrong and be done with it. Everyone takes a wrong road now and then. Some more than others, some less. Either way, own it, and if you've been blessed to have lived through it, share the lessons you've learned from it. You'll never learn from it, or help others learn from it, if you don't admit to your mistakes, to the wrong roads you've taken, and then it will all have been for nothing. What a tragic waste of life that would be.

Blake before Idol

Many of you will not like this video. I happen to love it, and have watched it three times over the last couple of days. So, to make it easier for me to get to, I'm putting it here. Enjoy...or not. :)