Love Never Walks Away
Casey brought home his graduation announcements and his cap and gown this week. If you don't have children yet, you can't possibly understand what I'm going through. I am so excited for him, he's starting a wonderful and exciting chapter of his life, and as someone who loves him so much, I couldn't be happier for him. I'm also living 24/7 concealing from him a heart that's ripping apart. Not only because I simply can't imagine his smile not being around me daily, or hearing his laugh or watching the silly faces he makes or even to enjoy his purposely getting his brother riled on occasion, but because it's a terrifying world out there. For those of you who have young ones at home, I know you understand. It's hard to imagine a day when those sweet little arms that cling to your neck will let go and walk out of your door into a life that doesn't include telling you good morning and good night each and every day.
As we were addressing his announcements, he and I became painfully aware that we are very alone. I don't have any family, none. On his fathers side, all but one uncle abandoned us when his dad did. We sat there last night, putting the cards together without envelopes to put them in. I'm so glad that it was a Wednesday night and that he and Charlie had Church to go to. I try to think of what I could have done differently, how could I have made it easier...better, for Casey. It breaks my heart to see him hurting. I can't help that my family has passed, I can't help that Mark walked out or that his family walked away with him. I think 'how could anyone consciously turn their back on these precious kids?' and I simply don't know. I know the boys wonder too. I've heard them talk about it among themselves, but they always put on smiles when I'm around...or try to. Ninety nine percent of the time we're good, but that one percent when we're not is very hard. It's then that we're programmed as human beings to fall back on family, and we simply don't have any. I am so grateful for the closeness the boys and I have, though, and we will always have each other. We've proven to each other that we will not walk away, we will stand with each other whether it's to laugh together or to wipe one anothers tears. It's much more than some have, I know, and we're grateful. It's just that sometimes, it's painfully obvious how much we're missing.