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MY LIFE AS I LIVE IT

I'm a single mom with two great kids living near Dallas, Texas. This is my life; day to day things that are probably only important to me. This is my record of my ups, my downs and the road that I've taken along the way. For whatever reason YOU'RE here, I hope you find something you can enjoy and/or relate to. God bless.

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Location: Dallas, Texas, United States

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Love Never Walks Away

So, FINALLY, Sanjaya has been voted off AI. The kid had tears, and it was sad, to me, because he's my Casey's age and I know how hard it'd have to be for a teen to have gone through all the media ridicule he's endured. Add to that the cheering he heard when he was told he was going home, he looked shocked. I have to wonder, though, was he really that oblivious to how he sounded compared to the others? He may have had a precious voice singing in Church with a choir or the occasional solo, but could he honestly not hear the difference between himself and the others? I know this is probably unreasonable, but I honestly believe he should have, even at 17, been man enough to step down when he saw the talent being sacrificed in the bottom three the last few weeks.

Casey brought home his graduation announcements and his cap and gown this week. If you don't have children yet, you can't possibly understand what I'm going through. I am so excited for him, he's starting a wonderful and exciting chapter of his life, and as someone who loves him so much, I couldn't be happier for him. I'm also living 24/7 concealing from him a heart that's ripping apart. Not only because I simply can't imagine his smile not being around me daily, or hearing his laugh or watching the silly faces he makes or even to enjoy his purposely getting his brother riled on occasion, but because it's a terrifying world out there. For those of you who have young ones at home, I know you understand. It's hard to imagine a day when those sweet little arms that cling to your neck will let go and walk out of your door into a life that doesn't include telling you good morning and good night each and every day.
As we were addressing his announcements, he and I became painfully aware that we are very alone. I don't have any family, none. On his fathers side, all but one uncle abandoned us when his dad did. We sat there last night, putting the cards together without envelopes to put them in. I'm so glad that it was a Wednesday night and that he and Charlie had Church to go to. I try to think of what I could have done differently, how could I have made it easier...better, for Casey. It breaks my heart to see him hurting. I can't help that my family has passed, I can't help that Mark walked out or that his family walked away with him. I think 'how could anyone consciously turn their back on these precious kids?' and I simply don't know. I know the boys wonder too. I've heard them talk about it among themselves, but they always put on smiles when I'm around...or try to. Ninety nine percent of the time we're good, but that one percent when we're not is very hard. It's then that we're programmed as human beings to fall back on family, and we simply don't have any. I am so grateful for the closeness the boys and I have, though, and we will always have each other. We've proven to each other that we will not walk away, we will stand with each other whether it's to laugh together or to wipe one anothers tears. It's much more than some have, I know, and we're grateful. It's just that sometimes, it's painfully obvious how much we're missing.

16 Comments:

Blogger 3carnations said...

That hurt to read. Why on earth your ex's family would turn on your kids is impossible to fathom. Really, there's no reason to turn on YOU. I think society has certainly evolved to the point where no one has to take sides when people split up. One of my son's friends has separated parents...actually, 3 of his friends do, but one that we are friendly with. It's hard to imagine, particularly since they've been split up since before he turned 2. They do right by him, though. They are cordial to one another, and work together, and sometimes do things together the three of them, for the son's sake. I've been at events where the inlaws are there when both parents are there...They make it work for the boy's sake. What's wrong with your ex and his family that they can't do the same...for the kids? Sorry. :(

I know what you mean about it being hard to imagine a day when your kids are grown...I find it hard to imagine a day when my son will go to play at a friend's house, and I won't be expected to stay...I will miss that. Of course, right now we are forging friendship's with most of his friends' parents, so maybe when he gets older the grownups can play cards or something while the kids play...

9:09 AM  
Blogger The Real Kidd said...

Aww honey. ((hug))

10:32 AM  
Anonymous nikki jo said...

I've already told you that I'm there, so don't forget my invitation...I'd be happy to sit with you and hold your hand :) I love you lots!!

10:50 AM  
Blogger kathi said...

3 c's ~ I'm sorry it hurt, I didn't start out to make it a downer of a post. Really, I am sorry.

kidd ~ hugs back at'cha.

nikki ~ we sent you one, I didn't know Ezel's last name though. Abi may go, it'd be great to have you two with us. I'll call you soon. Love you so much babe, I'm so grateful for you.

11:06 AM  
Blogger 3carnations said...

Don't apologize! It hurt on your behalf - It wasn't an inconvenience to me! :)

11:09 AM  
Blogger Michelle said...

Awww, Kathi, I am so sorry for you and Casey. Like 3c's I can't imagine why on earth his family has walked away from you and the boys. I guess some things I will never understand.

Well, I would be proud to receive an invitation from Casey. I know that he doesn't know me, and I guess you really don't either, but I would be honored. :) Obviously, I wouldn't be able to come, but I would love to send him a card or something. Don't feel pressured to say yes, but I am being totally sincere, and I can email you my address if you want.

11:55 AM  
Blogger ~Deb said...

I just love you Kath...your courage, the bond that you have with your boys and your faith---your incredibly strong faith that'll never fade. People react in different ways, we can't control it, however we can control how we view it.

{{{{hugs}}}}}


As for Sanjaya, it was a shame that Howard Stern literally dragged it out more than it should have been. My heart went out to him when I saw tears streaming down his face. Poor guy.

12:20 PM  
Blogger Leesa said...

Yeah, my family situation finds itself where I don't actually see many of my relatives, and it is sad. Really sad.

I loved reading this, even if it was a bit painful to read. Does that make any sense?

3:07 PM  
Blogger kathi said...

3 c's ~ I nearly apologized for being sorry, lol. I know you feel my pain, thank you. It's amazing how much you can care for blog friends.

michelle ~ I can't understand either, but I don't think I'd like the kind of person you or I would be if we could understand.
Girl, if you'd like an announcement, sure I'll send you one. We have more than we need, obviously. I think a card telling him that someone is proud of him would mean a lot to this kid right now, thank you. That's a precious thought.

deb ~ I love you too, hon!! Sometimes I honestly don't feel very strong, and that's a fact...but I never feel defeated. That's Hope.
I've never listened to Howard Stern and have no idea what he said about Sanjaya, but his tears were painful to see. I think all those who voted for him simply to bust AI's balls did this kid a great injustice getting his hopes up and putting him through all the media's (and judges) ridicule.

leesa ~ it makes perfect sense, thank you.

4:03 PM  
Blogger Clay said...

family things are very tough...

on Sanjaya -- there is no point to watch the show now!

4:25 PM  
Blogger kathi said...

clay ~ simply seeing you here again made me smile.

4:49 PM  
Blogger Wes said...

I choose keep things on the positive and say....

SANJAYA'S GONE!

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

:)

7:17 PM  
Blogger LoveLladro said...

~hugs~ i feel the same way about my side of the family... like i have little to offer my child in the way of family... most of the family comes from adams side ;~) i try to take comfort in the fact that i am offering my child the best family ever, Christ's. love ya.

9:27 AM  
Blogger Rosemarie said...

Being without family in times of celebration is probably difficult. I cannot imagine sharing my highlights without them.

Can you send an invitation or two to your "Church family?"

It would be wonderful if we your blog family could reach out and send cards.

I hope today you're feeling uplifted by our thoughts and support. =)

11:21 AM  
Blogger kathi said...

wes ~ I agree

lovelladro ~ babe, your baby is one blessed child already.

rosemarie ~ we did send a couple of announcements to our church and the youth minister. I was glad that they'd asked for them. I always appreciate y'all very much...thank you for your thoughts and support.

5:59 PM  
Blogger Nancy said...

I know very well how hard it is to celebrate a milestone and be aware of what is missing. It hurts, but don't feel bad about having mixed feelings. It's natural.

You are a wonderful mom and I know you are so incredibly proud of your kids...it shows. You have a lot to be proud about! Enjoy every moment.

((hugs))

5:23 PM  

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