Still Standing
It's hard for me to take someone at their word. I've always had a problem trusting people, my problem being rooted in the physically abusive home I was reared in. Nothing in my years since has really given me reason to change that characteristic. Especially in the last year. I'm more cynical than most, I'll readily agree to that. I tend to keep people at a distance, and regardless of how hard they try to penetrate my armor, I seldom let them in.
When I was a little girl, I lived in fear a lot. My mom, though I've completely forgiven her and still love her with all my heart (she passed in 1991), was mentally ill before they had medication available like Prozac, Lexapro and all the other meds that are available today. She was not a stable person and my dad, well, he wasn't around much. So, much of my childhood was living in fear of the next beating or the next tirade. My bedroom was wallpapered with ballerinas dancing in various poses on a pink background. I'd hide in my closet and get lost in those ballerinas. They were my escape because my reality scared me. Though I've lost much of my memory from my past, I remember clearly those ballerinas and how I'd wish I could simply join them, leaving the world minus one frightened little girl.
That was so many, many years ago, and yet that little girl is still huddled with her knees drawn up to her chest, hiding in the darkest closet of my being. I've learned, though, that I'm strong enough to be hurt and remain standing. I can take the beating that life sometimes dishes out, and remain standing. I can weather the abuse that people try to beat me down with, and I will remain standing. I am that little girl, still, afraid to let people get close enough to me to hurt me...but I've learned that even though I do occasionally get sucker punched by life, it can not take me down. I stand, in the midst of all those ballerinas, I stand.
When I was a little girl, I lived in fear a lot. My mom, though I've completely forgiven her and still love her with all my heart (she passed in 1991), was mentally ill before they had medication available like Prozac, Lexapro and all the other meds that are available today. She was not a stable person and my dad, well, he wasn't around much. So, much of my childhood was living in fear of the next beating or the next tirade. My bedroom was wallpapered with ballerinas dancing in various poses on a pink background. I'd hide in my closet and get lost in those ballerinas. They were my escape because my reality scared me. Though I've lost much of my memory from my past, I remember clearly those ballerinas and how I'd wish I could simply join them, leaving the world minus one frightened little girl.
That was so many, many years ago, and yet that little girl is still huddled with her knees drawn up to her chest, hiding in the darkest closet of my being. I've learned, though, that I'm strong enough to be hurt and remain standing. I can take the beating that life sometimes dishes out, and remain standing. I can weather the abuse that people try to beat me down with, and I will remain standing. I am that little girl, still, afraid to let people get close enough to me to hurt me...but I've learned that even though I do occasionally get sucker punched by life, it can not take me down. I stand, in the midst of all those ballerinas, I stand.
posted by kathi | 8:31 AM
21 Comments:
I’m sorry to hear of your past circumstances. Forgiveness is so important and a gift to self.
It's been awhile since I've shared about my past being laden with abuse of another kind, and not from my parents.
Whenever I mention my personal story, it's in passing as if I'm speaking of someone else.
It's a glorious place to be free indeed!
I think you are one of the strongest people that I know. Strong in mind, strong in faith, strong in belief, and from what I can tell strong in spirit.
You are an example to me as a mother, as a woman, and as a christian. Not only do you still stand, but you shine!!!
P.S. Did you get the email that I sent you with my address? Just checkin.
P.S.S. I just put up a new post, you better be the first one to comment lady!!!! :)
Kathi -- What an amazing post. You are also amazing because you have such capacity for forgiveness (not many people seem to be able to do that) and you are VERY strong. Keep standing.
Awesome post. You shared a painful past candidly yet it has a flow that is nearly poetic. I am so happy to hear you say that you have forgiven you mother. Healing is a life-long process and you are well on your way. What an inspiriation! Thank you for sharing this.
Hope you don't mind if I hold your hand once in a while. For my sake if not yours.
Love you
rosemarie ~ the lack of forgiveness keeps you captive. Forgiveness does set you free. Forgiveness and love. :)
michelle ~ sweetie, I can't tell you how much your words mean to me. Thank you.
nancy ~ coming from one as strong as you, means a lot. Thank you.
brea ~ thank you hon! It always makes me smile to see you.
lisa ~ darlin', you might as well hold my hand, you've wiped my tears. Love you too.
You have got to be one of the strongest women I know. ((hug))
And I am proud to call you my friend.
I agree with Nancy- your forgiveness is just amazing, Kath. I tend to put a wall up when I get too close to someone. I don't let a lot of people in. I'm sorry that your past has made you still quiver. You're strong and you know that your self-defense mechanism is nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone, whether they admit it or not, has some sort of level of a self-defense mechanism.
Love you!
kidd ~ I think I'm more stubborn than strong, but thanks for the extremely kind words. And kidd, I'm proud to call you my friend too, you are an amazing woman.
deb ~ yup, I've got a wall, too. I've let a few people in. A couple have stayed and the rest have ran for their lives, lol. Just makes me guard my wall more.
I love you too!
Kathi you are one BEAUtiful lady I must say.
huneeb ~ right back at'cha darlin'. :) Oh, and thank you!
Well, it lets you know who your real friends & family are. That's all. Stay strong Kath!
deb ~ I'm a stayin, :). You need to come over here, have a seat and put your feet up...take a rest from all the chaos goin on over at your blog. Geeze, it's wearing me out!
HUGS!!
Glad to see you are still standing. Doing it alone is tough, but some people prefer it that way. Of course, at some point we all need help standing. It could be a walker, a cane, or another human being. Good to see you are not at that point yet.
"Of course, at some point we all need help standing."
That's what friends are for. To hang out through thick and thin and make sure there's someone there when it gets to that point. The added benefit to doing that for someone else is knowing when YOU get to that point maybe someone will be there for you.
lisa ~ who better to give the perfect example of friendship? You've been there for me 100% and I appreciate you more than you'll ever know.
The problem I have is I trust people too easily and often get hurt in the process.....
I understand your story. I felt it last year when I wanted to meet you as we travelled through USA, but alas I felt you put up a barrier to prevent us meeting.
It was a real thrill to meet up with 2 bloggers from Ohio that I had been reading. It was my loss that I was not able to meet with you. Them's the breaks. I still read you! And enjoy what I read. Thanks for sharing.
You said, "I've learned, though, that I'm strong enough to be hurt and remain standing."
But have you learned that you don't deserve to get hurt? Hugs, sweetie.
zibi ~ I completely understand the hurt.
gk ~ yeah, I know, you tried. Add to all of this how extremely SHY I am, and I'm nearly impossible to meet. I hope you didn't take it personally, cause it had nothing to do with you, but all to do with me. :)
leesa ~ That's an excellent point, and no, I've never looked at it that way. Hugs right back at'cha, my friend.
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