Feeling pretty melancholy the last few days. A lot of reasons for it, I suppose, but it's made for a very unusual weekend.
I've been job hunting for something full time with benefits (the boys and I are now among the millions of uninsured) and that's been very depressing. I fall in that portion that is either over or under qualified, and being, as Tom
puts it, 'ready for Depends soon' probably doesn't help. Okay, yeah, I know he
exaggerates, but there is a bit of truth in there when it comes to being out in the job market again after all these years. Don't go ragging on Tom, he's one of my best buddies and I can't imagine having gotten through many of the things I have without him...I'm just saying he's a pain in the butt, but speaks the truth. Sorry, back to me.
Charlie spent the night for the first time with his dad this Saturday. I don't know why this was so hard for me. He's spent the night with friends too many times to count. This was different. I missed him so much. All the crazy things went through my head, like will he like it better there and want to live with him or spend every weekend there? I cried off and on all day Saturday. Don't get me wrong, I want for him to spend time with his dad. I want for him to enjoy his time with his dad and to look forward to seeing him. Casey still refuses to acknowledge his dad, and it breaks my heart to think of what this has done to his precious spirit. I portray much friendlier feelings than I actually feel for my kids father, simply because I want their wounds to heal. I want all of our wounds to heal. But especially Casey's, because he was hurt most of all.
Saturday, with Charlie gone, I also kept thinking that in a few months Casey will be at college, at UNT, and I'll not have him here anymore.
Let me tell you what it's like at my house; it's full
of life. Seriously. There are always kids around. There is always music blaring. There is always something being fixed in the kitchen, whether it's a meal or a snack, my kids (and their friends) eat! The t.v. is always on, and there is always one of three things on it; Comedy channel, Nickelodeon, or some sort of ultimate fighting. But more than anything, there is always laughter. The boys and I, something happened when Mark left...we became a part of something very special to each other. From talking to other divorced parents, I've found that a lot of kids act out, get in trouble, become withdrawn...this didn't happen with my boys. We not only drew closer to one another, but my boys became more supportive of one another, of me and we became extremely protective of each other.
When Charlie was gone this weekend, Casey and I were missing a part of 'us'.
When Casey had his first day of kindergarten, Charlie and I walked him in to the school. Amidst all the kids hanging on to their moms, Casey took off in to his class room and never looked back. I was proud and sad at the same time. I'd raised him to be secure in his independence, but felt sad that he'd somehow not felt any sort of tug to stay with me. On the way out of school, I got teary eyed. Charlie and I got in our car, and Charlie patted me and said "Don't worry, Mom, we'll get him back." Charlie was 4.
Yesterday, Casey and I were watching t.v. and horsing around. I hadn't said anything about how badly I was missing Charlie, but Casey put his arms around me and said "Don't worry, Mom, we'll get him back."
I've got the sweetest and most sensitive kids in the world.
I just took this picture of Charlie. This, my friends, is what I missed so much.
And not wanting to be unfair, here is a picture of Casey in his Letterman's jacket he got on Friday. He's so proud of it, and yes, that's Ole' Yeller behind him.
In a very few years both of my boys will be living out on their own and I'll be going through the real empty nest syndrome...then what are y'all going to do with me??