Children See, Children Do

Stole this from my wonderful buddy, Lisa .

My baby, my baby...

Same child, different dog.























Some things never change, like a childs sweet spirit.

Catching Up

Feeling pretty melancholy the last few days. A lot of reasons for it, I suppose, but it's made for a very unusual weekend.
I've been job hunting for something full time with benefits (the boys and I are now among the millions of uninsured) and that's been very depressing. I fall in that portion that is either over or under qualified, and being, as Tom puts it, 'ready for Depends soon' probably doesn't help. Okay, yeah, I know he exaggerates, but there is a bit of truth in there when it comes to being out in the job market again after all these years. Don't go ragging on Tom, he's one of my best buddies and I can't imagine having gotten through many of the things I have without him...I'm just saying he's a pain in the butt, but speaks the truth. Sorry, back to me.

Charlie spent the night for the first time with his dad this Saturday. I don't know why this was so hard for me. He's spent the night with friends too many times to count. This was different. I missed him so much. All the crazy things went through my head, like will he like it better there and want to live with him or spend every weekend there? I cried off and on all day Saturday. Don't get me wrong, I want for him to spend time with his dad. I want for him to enjoy his time with his dad and to look forward to seeing him. Casey still refuses to acknowledge his dad, and it breaks my heart to think of what this has done to his precious spirit. I portray much friendlier feelings than I actually feel for my kids father, simply because I want their wounds to heal. I want all of our wounds to heal. But especially Casey's, because he was hurt most of all.
Saturday, with Charlie gone, I also kept thinking that in a few months Casey will be at college, at UNT, and I'll not have him here anymore.

Let me tell you what it's like at my house; it's full of life. Seriously. There are always kids around. There is always music blaring. There is always something being fixed in the kitchen, whether it's a meal or a snack, my kids (and their friends) eat! The t.v. is always on, and there is always one of three things on it; Comedy channel, Nickelodeon, or some sort of ultimate fighting. But more than anything, there is always laughter. The boys and I, something happened when Mark left...we became a part of something very special to each other. From talking to other divorced parents, I've found that a lot of kids act out, get in trouble, become withdrawn...this didn't happen with my boys. We not only drew closer to one another, but my boys became more supportive of one another, of me and we became extremely protective of each other.
When Charlie was gone this weekend, Casey and I were missing a part of 'us'.

When Casey had his first day of kindergarten, Charlie and I walked him in to the school. Amidst all the kids hanging on to their moms, Casey took off in to his class room and never looked back. I was proud and sad at the same time. I'd raised him to be secure in his independence, but felt sad that he'd somehow not felt any sort of tug to stay with me. On the way out of school, I got teary eyed. Charlie and I got in our car, and Charlie patted me and said "Don't worry, Mom, we'll get him back." Charlie was 4.
Yesterday, Casey and I were watching t.v. and horsing around. I hadn't said anything about how badly I was missing Charlie, but Casey put his arms around me and said "Don't worry, Mom, we'll get him back."
I've got the sweetest and most sensitive kids in the world.

I just took this picture of Charlie. This, my friends, is what I missed so much.

















And not wanting to be unfair, here is a picture of Casey in his Letterman's jacket he got on Friday. He's so proud of it, and yes, that's Ole' Yeller behind him.

























In a very few years both of my boys will be living out on their own and I'll be going through the real empty nest syndrome...then what are y'all going to do with me??

For Katy

Katy mentioned in her comments that she'd thought I had been the original goth...so here are a couple more pictures I came across when looking for those prom pictures. These are much more 'me' than the girl in the prom dress. ;)

























This was Halloween, my senior year of high school. I'd said I was going to dress up, which, of course, was against the rules. Not that I was a leader of any kind, but it started taking off and nearly all of the seniors wanted to do it. They announced over the intercom that anyone coming to school dressed up on Halloween would be sent home. This is how I went, leaving Tater, my cat, at home but taking the broom, of course (what's a witch without her broom? That would have just been silly). Over 90% of the seniors were sent home that day. Of course, none of us went 'home'.

We had a great "senior day" that Halloween.

My Old Prom Pictures...

This is Wade Kellogg. He had the most gorgeous long hair, down to the middle of his back. My parents wouldn't let me go out with him because of his hair. He cut it for me so that he could take me to the prom.





















This is Rick Able. He went to another school, near my grandparents about 3 hours away from me. For some reason, he'd seen me and wanted to take me to his prom. This was our first and only date. He was a sweet but very 'country' boy.

Lookin' At You...

Tux Time

The senior prom is next month. The senior year is the busiest year, and the most expensive. I'm beginning to wonder how my parents were able to do it. I never, until now, appreciated all they did for me my senior year. There are the senior pictures, the announcements, the college application fee's, the proms (I went to two my senior year, and somehow I must've talked them into two dresses because I've still got the pictures), senior day, graduation and the graduation party.

Casey had his senior pictures taken this past summer before school started. That could've been the day from hell, only I was there with Casey and he kept me laughing. He kept everyone there laughing. When the photographers couldn't get a student to smile, Casey would be in the sidelines posing like Zoolander, and he'd get the students to smile easily.

The announcements were ordered a few months ago, along with the cap and gown. I'm very excited to get these, they should be getting here soon. I'll post them...yeah, like that wasn't a given.

A couple of Saturdays ago, we were at Men's Warehouse getting Casey fitted for his tux. Kasey, the girl he is taking to the prom (yeah, I know), came with Casey and met Charlie and I there. I had told Casey that he and Kasey could go do it on their own, but he asked for me to meet them there. How many guys Casey's age would want their mom there, but Casey knows how much I love him and he tries so hard to include me. I hope he knows how much I appreciate it. Anyway, watching them measure Casey, and Casey trying on the clothes...well, it made me realize that the only other time I'll probably be around for this to happen again is when he gets married. All the other men in there getting measured were much older and were probably there for just that reason. Casey asked me a couple of times if everything was okay when I was looking at him, he had no idea what was going through my mind.

Kasey brought me a picture of her dress and I'm going to post it. She's such a sweet girl. She's also a good friend of the girl, Betsy, that he took to the football banquet. The dress is beautiful. Here's the picture, it's the pink one;





















I was hoping Casey would pick out one of the tux with long tails or the guru type collars, and I may have tried to influence...a little, but no, he wanted traditional. He's so tall, I think he'd look great in the long coat, but he's a traditional and conservative kind of guy. The vest is a dark pink with black design over it. Can't wait to see them.
They've got the limo booked to pick them up, take them to dinner and then to the prom. They are going with another couple. We didn't do limos when I was a kid, I guarantee you I'd had too much fun in a limo. Casey doesn't take after me. Thank God.

As much fun, and it IS fun, going through all of this with him, it is so bittersweet. Every event brings him that much closer to walking out the front door into manhood. I know Casey will always come home, he'll always be one of my two best friends and he'll always make me laugh as he gives me one of those big ole' hugs telling me he loves me more than I love him (family joke), but still...trust me, it's all bittersweet.

Part Two

*I want to say, before this second video, that as much as I love and relate to these videos, that I'm uncomfortable with the end message 'Christian no more'. I consider myself a Christian, and always will. I do understand, however, the reason behind transitioning the term to Christ follower. I'm concerned that many people believe they must be like the man in the suit to attend Church, and because they're not, they stay home. With that said, hope you'll enjoy the video and receive it's message.

Is It Any Wonder?

I've never claimed to be a people person. In all honesty (and I am honest), I go out of my way to make sure people understand that I'm not a people person so that I can live in my solitude, when I choose. I choose to live in it most of the time. There have been those who have tried to extract me from my 'solitude' life style, only to finally agree to love me the way they found me. I don't mind change, I'm just not big on it. Occasionally I'll step out of my comfort zone, I've even been known to vacation out of it...but it's my 'safe place' and I'll return there.

The reason, or one of them, that I'm not a people person is because I'm so shy. It's nearly offensive to me when people tell me that I'm not shy. I don't come off as shy when you meet me, but inside, I'm terribly shy. I may appear to be having a wonderful time in the midst of a large group of people, but I promise you that, chances are, on the inside, I'm wanting to go home. Alone. I've always been this way, and if I hadn't been okay with it, I would have worked on changing it a long time ago. Sometimes I'll meet someone who will be intent on changing me, and if I like them enough, I may travel out of my comfort zone to make them happy, but they shouldn't misinterpret the gesture. I'm traveling for them, but not moving.

I have a very dry and smart ass sense of humor. Sarcasm is a huge turn on for me. I'm not attracted to silliness or people who are constantly 'on'. This probably explains why I have very few close friends, but the ones I have (other than Lisa and Tom) I've had for more than 10 years. My friends are fiercely protective of me. They would do anything for me, and I hope they know how much I love and appreciate them.

I also have a mean temper. I am able to control it so much better than I use to be able to. The benefits of age and medication. :) I do, however, enjoy a good argument. I will never attach myself (again) to someone who can not debate, converse lively, or argue with me. That's just boring, and seriously, I've had enough of that to last me a life time. My boys love to debate, with me, with each other, with anyone. Plus, they have my sense of humor...dangerous combination for teenagers because adults really don't know how to take them. They've never been disrespectful, but it'll come off that way sometimes if someone doesn't know them well.

Somehow, I've managed to roll a dry and sarcastic sense of humor, an up front and in your face argumentative personality and shyness all into one person. Me. Is it any wonder I'm single?

Part One

A Great Day

The boys and I took a day trip yesterday to Dinosaur Valley State Park. It's in Glen Rose, a little less than two hours from us if you were to drive there without getting lost. It took us longer...both ways. Yeah, well hush, we love road trips so we don't mind going a bit out of our way. Again, both ways, lol.

We had so much fun. We all took our ipods and took turns hooking them up to the stereo in the car. We stopped in Glen Rose to get lunch, then ate it at the park.

At the park, they had three sites sectioned off with dinosaur tracks. I tried to take a picture of one, but I'm not sure you can see it as well as we could in person.(It's better enlarged, give it a click)

There are several trails to start from after you cross the river:

We started on the blue trail. We pretty much stayed on the blue trail (we're better at trails), except to go off and climb the occasional rock or explore on our own a little. It was a blast. We had so much fun. It was a beautiful day, low 80's, but we were in the shade a lot and there was a great breeze. Here are a few pictures:

After staying on our trail for three hours, we were pretty tired and took what looked like a short cut, only it involved crossing the river. *I didn't notice this till now, but enlarge this picture of the guys (click on it) and check out Charlie's shirt. Pretty much a great caption for how Casey is feeling*

The river water felt great! It came about mid thigh on me, a little below the knee on the boys. I was so surprised that I crossed it without falling. In fact, the entire trip was accident free for me, which was very unusual. It was so sweet the way the guys would lift tree branches for me, give me their hand to help me jump off rocks when they did it in a single running leap. They were great with me. There were a couple of times that I sat on a rock and enjoyed the quiet while they went off rock climbing. Once I went with them, but it scared me so much watching them, that I had to distance myself from them.

Anyway, after crossing the river and climbing back up a few hills, we found ourselves in the middle of someones camp ground. We asked a few kids for directions, which was a desperate and futile attempt. Then we ran into an older couple walking their dog, and they were able to point us in the general direction to where our trail began and our car was left. Another 40 minutes and we found it. Geeze, we were all exhausted. I started laughing when both the boys chimed at the same time "I think I can see our car!". It was obviously something that made them both very happy. I wasn't tall enough to see above the tall grass, or I'd been just excited, I'm sure.

I've got a ton of pictures, finally some to put up on my picture blog again...not today, but soon. Right now, I'm taking a couple of Aleve and putting these sore muscles back to bed.

Y'all have a great weekend.

My Rock Star

A picture of Charlie, after I played with it a bit.

Let Me Sleep

The boys and I are on spring break this week. A week of no one having to get up early is the best vacation. We have one dog, Porter, (yeah, we've got 3 dogs, but I'm talking about Porter) that starts trying to get me up every morning around 5 to get fed. It use to be 6 a.m., now it's 5 a.m. I don't feed him, but I'll get up (angry and a tad hostile) and let him out because if I don't, he won't leave me alone. Of course every animal then gets up thinking it's feeding time. I'll let him back in and not feed him and try to get some sleep, but for the next hour or so, he's a pain in my butt wanting fed.
Don't tell me to leave him outside, it's not in me. Don't tell me to shut my door, because then he (and every other animal) will be banging on it.
This morning I woke up at 7 a.m. I looked at the time and the first thought that went through my head was that someone must have left the front door open and the dogs are gone (it's happened more than once and the feeling is one of panic).
I threw some clothes on and ran out of my room. My kids were both asleep on the couches. I've got 2 huge couches in my living room that easily fit kids over 6 feet tall on them, and they looked so cute asleep, each on their own couch. They looked like little kids, it's been a long time since they've done this. Oh yeah, back to Porter. After looking through the house, I found the dogs had been shut up in Charlie's room. Every day I love these kids more.
As I'm letting the dogs out, trying to be quiet, Casey wakes up and the first thing he said was "did you get to sleep in Mama?". I wonder if they have any idea how precious they are to me.
As Shawn said the other day in my comments, "Life always presents more little thrills than big ones. If you can't get excited about the little things, more than likely you're a miserable soul."
I, my friends, am not a 'miserable soul'.

Me

I'd told deb the other day that I was so proud of her for being able to post a video of herself on her blog, that I could never do that. Well...I'm going to step waaayyy out of my comfort zone and post a video I'd sent to Tom on my cell. Just to let y'all know beforehand, any nasty comments will be deleted. :) Except for Tom's, of course, I'm use to his.
Oh, and the sound is off (running a few seconds behind) and I don't know how to fix it. Sorry.

Choices

I use to be, and surely some would argue that I still am, a freak. Although now, I suppose, I am a more presentable freak. However, on the inside...definitely still freak. What's hard to come to terms with is how you tame that part of you as you grow older.

I'm thinking about this today because of my son, Charlie. To look at him, he doesn't seem like he'd be a part of the crowd that he hangs with. All of his friends tend to dress like, what I'd call, preppies. They all wear the preppy brand clothes and they sport the new styled 'do's'. Charlie, well, not so much. Charlie wears the black band tee's, baggy and ripped jeans, and long hair. What's really funny is that the kids who dress like Charlie, Charlie doesn't want to hang around with because he says that they are into things that he wants to stay away from. You can fill in the blanks there. Occasionally when Charlie talks about a new friend, my mind immediately pictures someone like Charlie and every time I meet them, it just always amazes me at how 'clean cut' they are. All of Charlie's friends are A and B students...again, Charlie, not so much. I wonder, if when the parents of Charlie's friends meet Charlie, they're as surprised with how he looks as I am when I meet his friends...and if when they meet Charlie if warning bells go off because of how he looks.

You see, Charlie reminds me of, well...me. The poor kid looks just like me. I know he has to get tired of everyone telling him that. What young man wants to be told he looks like his mother. But, he does. He's also got my sense of humor, which is a mark against him. My humor in a kid's body just gets him in trouble. Trust me, I know this first hand. He's also got my 'dreams'. He's not a logical thinker like his brother, but a dreamer. Being a dreamer is a great thing, unless the dreams get in the way of focusing on what's important now. Sometimes we believe (we dreamers) that everything will turn out the way we want and we don't need to plan today for tomorrow. It's really hard to persuade a young dreamer that you need to start building your tomorrows today, because they see all their tomorrows turning out like they do in their dreams. Reality is hard to accept for a dreamer.

When I was young I was into punk rock, cut my hair off and dyed it purple, wore the rag torn clothes, and safety pins in my ears. Not when I was Charlies age, but early 20's...about 5 years older than Charlie. I didn't hang around with anyone who looked like me, my friends were fairly conservative people that somehow found something in me worth befriending.

The one thing that Charlie and all of his friends have in common; strict parents. All of Charlie's friends have parents who want to know where they are and who they are with. Every one of his friends parents have came in to meet me when they bring their son over or I've gone in to meet them if I've taken Charlie there. I've talked on the phone with parents making sure who will be with whom and where and at what times. If this sounds normal for you, take my word on this, it isn't. It should be, but it isn't. I've come to realize that this is what Charlie has in common with his friends, their foundations are the same.
And I've come to realize that the thing that differs Charlie from the kids that look like him but he chooses to stay away from, is the lack of similarities in their 'foundation'. These kids hang out on the corners and in the parking lots way into the night. They fight. Their language is foul. They smoke and that's as far as I'm taking it because this is all I've seen first hand.
Parents; even a plant will not survive without attention and nurturing.

So, I started out talking about 'freaks'. I'm coming into the realization that Charlie's choosing to be his own person, though he may appear to be a 'freak' compared to his friends appearances, is a bold move. It's as much a choice for him to choose to look like HIMSELF as it is for him to choose to not hang around with kids who look like him but are making poor choices. He must be very confident in himself to choose to stand out in his crowd rather than to fit in with the wrong crowd.

I'm really proud of my kid.