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MY LIFE AS I LIVE IT

I'm a single mom with two great kids living near Dallas, Texas. This is my life; day to day things that are probably only important to me. This is my record of my ups, my downs and the road that I've taken along the way. For whatever reason YOU'RE here, I hope you find something you can enjoy and/or relate to. God bless.

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Location: Dallas, Texas, United States

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Casey's Formal

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I put together a slide show of the pictures Casey sent me from his Formal on Friday. How many other 18 year olds would take the time to email their mom pictures from his date the night before? He looks so handsome to me, I couldn't be more proud of this kid.

The girl in the yellow dress is his date, Kara. Before the formal, he took her to the dollar store and told her to spend to her hearts desire. Yeah, I dunno. Anyway, they came away with hats, swords and such. Thus the hats in the pictures. He said he had a great time, and well, the pictures look like he's telling the truth. :)

Friday, April 25, 2008

Tagged for six

My friend, Believer 1964, the blogger formerly known as Rosemarie, has tagged me. The tag is to list six 'unspectacular' quirks that I have. Actually, I do believe I'm rather quirky and that I'm 100% spectacular, but I'm going to search myself and come up with six that would fit this tag.

Oh, let me post the rules.

* Link the person who tagged you.
* Mention the rules in your blog.
* Tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of yours.
* Tag 6 following bloggers by linking them.
* Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger's blogs letting them know they've been tagged.

So, here we go...

1. Regardless of how early I have to get up in the morning, I CAN NOT MAKE MYSELF GO TO BED. Seriously, I'll fight sleep every single night, watching t.v. or reading, instead of just laying down and going to sleep. I'll nod and do the jerk myself awake thing over and over before I give up and call it a day. Again, every single day I'll think that I'm going to go home and make myself have an early night. It has never happened.

2. I will not eat or drink after anyone. Not even my kids. I've never in my life taken a drink out of the same can or glass as someone else. Ewwww.

3. I have never gone to bed with makeup on. Can't do it. Regardless of how tired or lazy I am, I have always forced myself to wash my face. I hate washing my face at night, it's my least favorite thing to do. Some days I'll not wear makeup specifically so that I will not have to wash my face at night.

4. I can't lie. I use to. I use to lie just for the sport of it. But when I was 26 I stopped. I can't say I've not lied since I was 26, but I can say I've rarely lied. I'd rather take the consequences of telling the truth than the easy way out by telling a lie. It makes things a whole lot easier to keep track of.

5. When someone lies to me or 'cheats' me, I forgive them but I will no longer hang with them. Once, that's all it takes and I'm done. It's not that I'm holding a grudge, but if I can't trust you then I don't want you around me or my children.

6. I often have low self esteem. I don't really see it as a self esteem issue, but I'm told it is by those who love me. I often refrain from contacting someone, or asking people questions, because I don't want to bother them. My friends tell me this is because I look at myself as a bother...and I'd agree with that. So, often when someone doesn't hear from me for awhile or if they've told me to call them and I don't, it's not that I don't want to contact them, it's just that I don't want to bother them. I'd say I'm working on it...but that would be a lie. ;)

So, there you go; six unspectacular quirks. Y'all know I don't tag, but if you decide to do it, please stop by and let me know.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

More Denton Videos...

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Saying goodbye to Casey at his dorm.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Video!

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Boys in Denton

Quick

Just a quick note before I head off to work. Charlie and I needed to visit Denton yesterday after I got off work, and we had a great time. Took some of Casey's clothes he needed for a formal dance he's attending on Friday to the dry cleaners, went to eat at his favorite Italian restaurant there and played a few holes of Frisbee golf. I got some video I'll try to put up later, but here is a picture I got of them when I told them to smile for me. Goofs.

















And here is a picture of what has been living in my tree in my backyard since LAST THURSDAY. Yup, 5 days. When the dogs are not outside she will jump down, love on you and even lay on my lap while I sit outside to read. She didn't eat the first 3 days she was outside, but she's eating well now. I'm looking for a home for her. She looks to be about 6 months old. Charlie has named her Jade, but NO, we are not keeping her. Not for very long, anyway.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Canceled...and Declined

So I had a voicemail from Casey yesterday telling me that he'd lost his wallet; that he'd called and cancelled his debit card and I should call my bank and cancel mine (because he also has a Visa check/debit card to my checking account). It was after work when I'd gotten the voicemail and by the time I'd called the bank it was after hours so I had to go through the automated system. I gave the card number Casey used and was told that his card was canceled.

A few of us went out after work today, and when I paid with my Visa check card, the waiter came back to our table, kneeled down beside me and asked quietly if I had another card to pay with because the one I'd used had been declined.

All eyes were on me.

Extremely embarrassing.

Fortunately I was able to cover it, and I'd told the story at work earlier about Casey losing his card and my having had to cancel his card, so they understood what was happening. Still, it was really embarrassing.

By the way, one of Casey's professors found his wallet in a classroom. All in all, it's proving to be inconvenient, but so much better than it could have been. When I got the voicemail after work, all the way home I was praying that my checking account hadn't been cleaned out. That was the longest drive home! Nothing touched, the wallet has been found and it's all good. Well, it's mostly all good. :)

I wonder how long it will take me to get this straightened out...

*Turns out they cancelled my debit card (even though I gave them Casey's debit card number) instead...instead of Casey's. That means for the last two days, anyone who had that card could have been on a shopping spree. C'mon, how often do you get asked for i.d. when you use your your debit/check card as a credit? I never do. Anyway, I'm without a card now until I get my new one in the mail, and I'll have to change all the places my old card number was filed to my new one. Oh well...it could have been a LOT worse. Didn't catch my (or Casey's) angels unaware!

Monday, April 14, 2008

Life is brighter!

Other than having come down with what I'm assuming was strep throat, I'm good. Nearly everyone in our office, which when you remember we have 32 women and 5 doctors is quite a lot of people, came down with this. Doctors were resting in the exam rooms between patients, coughing could be heard echoing in the halls from every direction and everyone was looking like they would kill to be able to go home. Nearly everyone went on the z pack and after the weekend, it's much better around here. Funny, though, it's left the chest and throat and has moved into the head of nearly everyone. Which, though it may be annoying, is nowhere near as painful. I'm not complaining at all. I'll suffer through the runny nose, sneezing and watery eyes...no problem. It's answering the phones with a raw throat that had me a bit grumpy on Thursday and Friday. I spent the entire weekend in bed, resting this darlin' body of mine, and along with the medication...I'm good!

I've been taking my little vitamin combo for a little over a week and I can already tell a difference. I'm so thankful that I've found the right combination of vitamins and what not to work for me, saves me so much money from the prescription, plus...they're vitamins which is naturally healthier for me in many other areas.

Charlie and I got an elleptical machine. Charlie had wanted a treadmill, but my ortho said absolutely not and that the elliptical would be much better for my knee. Now, Charlie loves it. I like it. :) Charlie will go at the top program for 40 minutes and still be able to hold a conversation with me...even though the sweat is pouring off of him. Me, not so much. I do considerably less and it's kickin' my butt so bad that I couldn't hold a conversation in my head. But, I will keep building up my stamina on it, and the best thing for me is that I can tell a huge difference in my knee when I use it.

Well, all, since I hadn't left my bed since Friday after work, there is little else to share with y'all. Hope all is well in your worlds!

Thursday, April 10, 2008

I think America got it wrong...




I'm gonna miss me some Michael John.

Sunday, April 06, 2008

Life Changes

I know that I've been missing. Thing is, I feel like I have actually been missing. I know that sounds strange, but it's how I feel.
I've told y'all that I've suffered from depression since I was very young. The last few weeks I've had a relapse into the emotional pits of hell. Sounds like an exaggeration, huh? Wish that were so.

I started anti-depressants when Charlie was four years old. It was amazing what a difference they made. Night and day. For the first time in my life, I was able to go through entire weeks without locking myself in a bathroom, curled into a corner in the dark and wondering how much better off those I loved would be without me in their lives. Many times the only thread that kept me from following through with those sort of thoughts was my sister being on the other end of the telephone.

During the temporary orders of our divorce Mark was ordered to carry us on his insurance. He dropped his insurance and the prescriptions had to be paid out of pocket...his pocket. But I knew that once the divorce was final I'd be responsible for the outrageous amount of money my anti-depressants cost, so I started doing some research on what they do and what could replace them. I know from testing, they'd found that I don't produce the serotonin I should and that was one of my biggest problems. So, I started there. Anyway, after awhile I put together a vitamin pack that I hoped would treat depression...being healthy for me was a side benefit. I started weaning myself off of the anti-depressants as I began my vitamin pack. I don't feel comfortable sharing with y'all what is in my vitamin pack because I'm not a doctor and won't take responsibility for anyone else trying it. I weaned myself off the anti-depressants over about a two month period (very slowly) and I never felt any side effects at all.

Now, I've noticed the difference before, a few years ago, when they tried substituting generic...turns out not everyone benefits from generic, I'm one of those who do not. After a few weeks on the generics, I found myself curled up in the fetal position way to often.
Switching gears, I'd told y'all I'd lost some weight recently. The way I did it was by eating more. I have a habit of not eating. I don't get hungry, I don't eat. My sister, again, walked me through what I should be eating and when I started that last October, the weight just started coming off.

The thing about my 'vitamin pack' is that if I take them without food in my stomach, it'll make me very nauseated. Here is where this all ties in together. I've gotten out of the habit of eating again. I go without breakfast, and five out of seven days lunch too. And because I haven't eaten, I'll not take my vitamins. So, for the last month or so I've, slowly but surely, gotten out of the habit of taking my vitamins. And...a couple of weeks ago I started slipping back into what I can only describe as the darkness.

Darkness. It's an emotional state that no one can tell you're in and so no one understands what your going through. You look healthy enough. After awhile, people start asking you 'what's wrong'...and what are you going to say? In my case, there isn't anything really wrong. C'mon, I've got problems like everyone...more than some and less than others. I've definitely got blessings galore. Even in the deepest depth of depression, I still know how much I've got to be thankful for. And yet, I can't stop crying. I can't find a reason to get out of bed. I can't get the physical or the emotional strength to even get into the shower. If it weren't for work and for Charlie, I'd not have gotten out of bed in the last two weeks. Nearly every day I get in the car after work, put on my over sized sunglasses, and bawl like a baby all the way home. I try as hard as possible to get it out of my system so that I can put on my 'it's all good' face before I get home to Charlie. Things that I'd normally let roll off my back, break my heart and, if I let them, my spirit. I believe that even though we can not control the behavior of others, we can control our reaction. I can't control when someone is hateful or rude to me, but I can control how I react. When I'm depressed, I may be able to but I don't. When I get my feelings hurt, instead of letting it go, I blame myself. And I cry. A lot. I've been crying a lot lately. The funny thing about depression (funny if you have a sick sense of humor, I suppose) is that even though you're emotionally and physically exhausted, you can't sleep. No sleep. None. Seriously, depression is a vicious cycle. And since you're so tired, you're just not thinking straight.

It took me till about three days ago to realize that the reason life has been so unbelievably cruel lately, is that I've slipped back into depression. Three days ago I started eating again and recommitted myself to taking my vitamin pack. It's the first time in several years that I've found myself in this way, but being healthy and happy is a strong enough memory that I'm fighting my way back to it.

So, I apologize for being absent. It's not for lack of trying to write. More times than I could count, I've sit here at the computer and tried desperately to put something down. Something. Anything. But I couldn't. Perhaps since I've been able to today, it's a signal that I'm on my way back. Today I spent many hours cleaning and working outside. That's a great sign. I'm hopeful.

In the mean time, my baby is about to become a renter. Casey and three guys who belong to Chi Alpha, a Christian Fraternity at UNT, have found a house to rent directly across the street from the fraternity. Casey asked me to come up this past Saturday to look at it, which blessed me to know that he cared what I thought about it. I was the only parent with the four students and Charlie, looking at the house with the landlord. There are four students living there currently that graduate this May, and the house looked like it had four college students living there. It's a great house; four bedrooms, two baths, two blocks from campus, great neighborhood, it's pretty cool.

And Charlie, he's gotten into working out the last few months and the kid is ripped. Seriously ripped. He lost over 30 lbs on my diet, and along with working out an hour a day...he's looking really good. He's also gotten into rock climbing. There is a club not too far from here that he goes to on the weekends with a few friends and they spend hours rock climbing. Ever since the 'drug thing' that I found text referring to on his cell phone, after the grounding and all...he completely changed his circle of friends. Not that his friends were bad to begin with, but they were obviously heading in a direction I didn't want Charlie to follow. But the guys he hangs with now are kids I'd have picked out for him if I'd could. They've all known each other for a long time, but Charlie left one crowd and started spending more time with this one. I've never seen this kid so happy. He tells me nearly every weekend that he's never had so much fun. I love the changes I've seen in him. He's talking more about going to college, he has more direction and he's staying busy. Here's the latest pictures I took of him.


















The shirt he's wearing is a Pink Floyd tee, he bought it yesterday when he and a friend were out.

So...when I tell y'all that regardless of how deep a pit I've fallen into, I never lose sight of my blessings and I never fail to be thankful. Still, it's a hard road. By my own hands I've let myself slide back into a terrible place by failing to take what I know I desperately need...and by my own hands I'll pull myself back up. For those of you who pray, please remember the boys and I in your prayers. For those of you who don't...I'd just be ever so grateful if you would.