Choices

I live in state of gratitude. Sometimes it's not easy, but I refuse to move. I do have hiding places. Places I go when the world tries to bully me. I find safety there, I find comfort, I find a haven of peace and above all, love.
These places are within my mind, my heart and my soul. They are places only the spirit can go. I believe that the essence of who I am is my spirit. This shell that I reside in is temporary and, too often, frail. But, thank God, it is not what defines me.
I've been asked too many times to count over the years; how do I keep from worrying? I learned many, many years ago that worrying over something did not change the outcome, only the journey. The journey is 90% of our lives and I refuse to waste it. Worry never put money in my bank account, it never made someone love me and it never made me happier.
When I feel that I am under attack, as we all feel sometimes, I find my safe harbor on my knees. I give thanks for the many, many things I'm grateful for. By giving thanks, I am not only showing God my gratitude, but reminding myself that my blessings are many. I focus on the good in my life and refuse admittance to anything or anyone that does not give credence to that line of thinking. If it doesn't edify it destroys.

I pray you find your safe harbor.

Dancing Cuban

Mark Cuban on Dancing with the Stars? I may have to watch this show again...for awhile, anyway.

I get a lot more than $7.25 an hour.

I'm going to share a couple of stranger's stories with you today. They've both had an impact on me this week and I can't seem to get their faces, or what happened, out of my mind.

Buckle up and hold on.

At the beginning of the week I had a woman come into the shop where I work, a woman's clothing store. She came in with her two teenage daughters. I greeted her when she came in and asked if I could help her find anything (hey, they don't pay me $7.25 an hour for nothing). She shared with me that she'd had a baby a few months ago, her 6th child. Her daughters told me that she never bought anything for herself and they'd talked her into buying herself some clothes that weren't maternity. Well, we were having a really great sale and I led her to some of our best values (forget the $7.25, I could see she didn't do much for herself and showed her where the real savings in the store were). She tried on many things, reminding me of a child in a candy store, but picked out a selective few items. She found me when she was ready and asked if I'd ring her up. We don't work on commission, but I thought it was sweet that she wanted me to ring her up so we waited till there was a register open. She explained to me why she had picked out each piece, all practical reasons, such as how they'd go with more things and wouldn't show baby spit up as much as something else. I wanted to hug this woman and tell her that she should buy at least one thing for herself just because she wanted it, but it was clear that she couldn't really afford to do that. This is something that I understand completely. When I gave her the total, around $150, she paid a little more than half of it in cash and gave me a credit card for the balance. The card was declined. She gave me another card and it, too, was declined. Since we were having such a great sale, the store was fairly crowded and a line had formed behind her. I was being very quiet, trying to keep an appearance as if we were still chatting a little as she asked me to try one last card. It was declined. She told her daughters to go wait in the car. By this time, people are looking around each other to see what was going on at the front of the line, and I saw her eyes tear up, but she didn't let any escape. I asked if she'd like for me to try a little bit on each of the cards. This took a little time, testing each card for how much it would take, but from putting $30 on one, $10 on another and $20 on the last, I was able to bag her clothes and let her walk out of that store with her purchase. I'll never forget this woman.

Yesterday, again with a packed store, two little Hispanic children came running by me, laughing as they chased each other. I walked after them to see whom they belonged to as they ran up to their mom and dad, throwing their arms around their dad's leg, clearly something they were use to doing. I smiled and asked if there was anything I could help them find. The mom returned my smile and told me no, that they were fine. As I started to walk off, the man told me in slightly broken english "Don't worry, ma'am, we are going to buy something". I know I must have looked confused when he said that to me because he repeated "We're here to buy". I said "Well, we've got some great sales going on, so please take your time and browse". A little while later the woman brought me a very nice business suit and asked if she could try it on. I led her to a dressing room, telling her that I loved the suit and she told me that she had just gotten a job interview and wanted to look nice. Her husband was obviously a laborer, as he was dressed in some sort of uniform and, without meaning to sound judgemental, was covered in a fair amount of...dirt. When she came out of the dressing room to show her husband the outfit, she beamed. She looked absolutely beautiful in it. He smiled and nodded. A few minutes later she brought me the suit and said she'd take it. When I rang them up and gave them the total amount, the husband paid me in cash. As I took the cash from his hand, he made direct eye contact with me and said "See, I told you we would buy something". He didn't say it in a confrontational way, not at all. He said it in a way that made it clear to me that he has had to prove himself before. His english was broken, but it was clear that his pride was not.

As I've said before, the pay sucks, but I really don't hate my job.

"We're just going to leave him?"

That was what Charlie asked me as we were leaving Casey today. He said "It just feels weird to leave him here all by himself" and he was right. Even though the reality was that there were thousands of kids also moving in with-in a few block area of UNT's campus, walking out of that dorm room and leaving Casey there not knowing anyone...it was hard. But, he was ready. This is what I've raised him for; to be prepared, to feel secure and to look forward to this next step of growing up that is college.


I took Saturday and Sunday off from work to get Casey packed (which entailed about six loads of laundry), sorting out what he had that was Charlies and what Charlie had that was Caseys, and helping the boys trade rooms which was like moving but without the boxes and U-Hauls.

Here is my baby before we left this morning.


















Charlie rode with Casey, and both of our cars were pretty much packed. Since my camera quit on me in Casey's dorm room ( I desperately need a new camera, mine is hit and miss the last few months, mostly miss) I'll give you the pictures I did get. Casey and Charlie passing me on the way to UNT:






















and one of them in front of me in Denton (this pic is for anne):



















Casey's room was on the third floor and, of course, there were no elevators. The stairways were packed with sweating kids and parents carrying televisions, refrigerators and microwaves. There were a few things we'd forgot to bring, but nothing major. So all in all, it went pretty smooth.

Charlie and I were pretty quiet on the way home, most of the talking was from Charlie. He mentioned several times how weird it was just walking off and leaving Casey there. As weird as that was, the hardest part for me was coming home to a house without him.

We've been a solid trio (Casey, Charlie and I) for this past year. I'm going to miss him very much. I'll miss his telling me he loves me for no reason; and when I'd say 'I love you, too', he'd always reply "love you more". He had no idea how impossible that was. I'll miss his humor, his jokes, and his friendship every day he's not here.

What an amazing young man I left at UNT today. Lucky UNT.

,

Given the Choice, I'll Smile

There are so many things in my life that make me smile. I'm more than grateful. Yeah, I've got the crappy stuff too...but I can't allow myself to focus on it. I've got too many people around me that are an example of what focusing on the bad stuff will do to you. I'm old enough to learn from the mistakes of others. Okay, I'm more than old enough, let's not get nitpicky here.

The other week or so my antenna wouldn't go down when Charlie and I took my car to my favorite car wash. They told me that it wasn't going down, but I really wanted my car washed (and I love it when they clean it all nice and spotless on the inside), so I told them to go ahead and run it through. Well, yup, it broke. Actually it bent, but when Charlie tried to straighten it, it broke. We looked at it when we got home, and until I can get it fixed (no money, no time, no fix) we took some tape to it. Go ahead and laugh, we have.

Then that sweet little old lady hit my car, which I haven't had fixed yet. One reason, if anyone cares, is because it bothered me that the two places I took it to wanted to see the estimate the insurance company had sent me before they'd give me an estimate. Why? I asked them to give me estimates before I got the papers from her insurance company telling me how much they'd pay me based on their appraiser, so it made me feel as if they'd make sure their estimate would be at least as much as the appraiser had quoted. Seriously, why should their estimates have anything to do with the appraisers estimate? Maybe I just didn't feel comfortable with these auto repair shops, maybe I still have an issue with trust from what was done with Casey's car...or maybe I'm an idiot. Oh, hush, I'm going with I was uncomfortable and I listen to my 'gut'.

So, here I am driving a car that has the driver side caved in, a drivers side window that will not go down without holding on to it and, likewise, you have to hold it in place to make it go back up, and an antenna that is held together with scotch tape.

I am seriously about as white trash as they come.

And yet, still I smile.

Thought For the Day

Working, working, working! :)

One thing I want to say today is that everyone has problems, not a single person coasts through this life with out a few road blocks and potholes on their way. Give someone a break, even if they appear to be a thoughtless and inconsiderate jerk. May be your turn for a break tomorrow. And if you don't think you've ever came across as rude and thoughtless, think again.

Catching Up

I've been a bad blogger and let life get in the way of posting.

I've been working a lot, when you're only making $7.25 an hour, the only way to make any money is to put in a lot of hours. Yesterday I was off at 2 p.m. and Charlie and I just layed on the couches and watched videos. We watched Disturbia, which was surprisingly decent...kept me awake and checking once to make sure my doors were locked. Funny, I never do that.

I have a guy friend that is hooking up soon with an old high school sweetheart and he's so excited. I'm jealous. The sort of excitement he's feeling is something that's lacking from my life...and has been for a long time. You know, the excitement you feel down to your toes when you think of someone, the sort of feeling that makes you smile just thinking about someone. Those are great feelings.

Well, my friends, that's all I've got time for. Need to make myself 'pretty' for work. :)
Hugs to all, enjoy your day.

My Blessings

I had a great birthday, thanks so much for all your well wishes and sweet emails. I'm fortunate to have y'all...and I'm blessed beyond words to have my two kids.
I worked on my birthday, and once again, I can't tell y'all how happy I am to have a job, so don't think I'm complaining. After I got off work, the boys gave me my birthday presents. They got me Givenchy Perfume, they wrote me a song (can you believe that!!) with Charlie writing the music and the both of them writing the lyrics. Actually, the night before I kept hearing Charlie playing a song in his room that was beautiful. I was going to bed and turned off my t.v. so I could just listen to him play. It wasn't like anything I'd heard him play before, no metal, no rock...it was, well, beautiful. I couldn't place it, so I knocked on his door and asked him what he was playing. He told me it was just a song, and I asked him the name of it, that it was just so beautiful. He sort of hung and shook his head, then looked at me and smiled and said "Mom, it's a song Casey and I are writing you for your birthday". There are tears of joy.
Back to my birthday; after they gave me my gift, Charlie played my song and they gave me my cards, we then went to P.F. Chang's on a gift certificate a friend of mine had given me for my birthday present. Chang's is now our favorite place to eat. It was absolutely delicious. Casey told our waiter it was his and my birthday meal, and they gave each of us a piece of The Great Wall of Chocolate Cake. We brought home 3 to go boxes full of cake...it was definitely a GREAT Wall of cake!
After Chang's we headed to the movies for THE BOURNE ULTIMATUM. We all loved it! We always do birthday movies, Casey's pick had been 1408 (so~so, but John Cusack was excellent), mine was the new Bourne and it was good!
After the movie, we went to the mall to exchange the Givenchy perfume for another Givenchy perfume (my fault, I'd not been clear) and then we went to the bakery and I got to pick out my cake, which Charlie and Casey had when we got home; I was still too full from Chang's!

My greatest gifts, as always, were my boys. Pictures? You want pictures? Well, if you insist. :)

Charlie bought himself a new guitar a couple of weeks ago with some of his summer earnings.





























And after working up at the church till 5 a.m. this morning, Casey came home to take a nap before going back at noon...and Porter wanted to cuddle.

Thanks again for all the sweet wishes. Katy sent me a great Vera Bradley bag (love it!!), a gift certificate and a red tee shirt that says 'It's all about ME!!' on it (an inside joke), my buddy, Mac, gave me the Chang's gift certificate and I got a much unexpected comment from my sister on my blog!

I'll be recording Charlie playing my song soon. God is SO good to me, and I appreciate it all!

August 3rd

If I look back at my life (all that I can remember anyway, because for one reason or another... drugs, mental illness, whatever, there are huge, huge, chunks of my memory missing) these would be some of my favorite memories:

Breakfast flights on Sunday mornings with my dad. He and a bunch of his buddies would each fly their own plane somewhere to have breakfast and hang out for awhile and fly back to my dad's airport. Every now and then he'd take my sister and I with him. My sister and I hung out a lot at the airport growing up, 'helping' out, gassing planes and cleaning up, so all the men knew us pretty well. None of the men ever took their kids, my dad was the only one. It made us feel pretty special.

Watching shows like The Twilight Zone and The Outer Limits when I was little, with my cousins, at my Grandma Plummer's house late at night while the adults played cards in another room. We'd keep the lights off, sit all close together with our bedding on the floor, and make fun of each other when we'd scream.

Being the 'birthing coach' for my sister when she had my niece, Brooke. One of the most precious moments in my life.

All the years I bartended.

Challenging God to prove Himself real to me in 1982, and Him doing so.

Telling Mark I was pregnant with Casey.

The year I worked in the school cafeteria with Katy and Carol. Every day was more fun than the day before, thanks to Katy and Carol. We sang to the kids, we danced in the cafeteria and we became best friends. We were not your typical lunch ladies. I'd not trade that year for anything.

One of the last trips I made to Indiana before my dad died.

Every minute I've spent with my boys.

So far it's been a great life. Looking back, there are a few changes I'd make here and there...but if there was an iota of a chance that any of those changes would change any of the things I've mentioned here...then no, I'd not change a thing.

Friday is my birthday and it's gonna be a great year!