You Again
Sometimes we can block thoughts from our minds...thoughts of people, thoughts of feelings past. And, then...sometimes we can't.
One thing that we can't protect ourselves from are our dreams.
There are people, relationships and laughter that I sometimes find myself remembering, and as soon as I realize it, I will purposely block them, because it never takes me to a good place. Regrets never bring me peace.
Yet, sometimes these memories will find their way into my dreams, and they'll be good dreams. Sometimes better than the actual memory,which isn't really playing fair. In my dreams, the bad doesn't happen. In my dreams, the problems do not arise. In my dreams, it's good...so good.
Then, as dreams do, they end. Once again, though I've tried, and tried hard, to forget, I'll remember.
Once again, I'll remember you.
It's not that I want to, it's not that I try to. In fact, I fight it.
In the daylight, I remember the bad times. In the waking hours I remember the tears, the lies and the desperation that surrounded us. As I go through my daily motions, I remember you holding my hand, and then I'll remember you letting it go. And it still hurts, all of it.
Dreams betray our feelings, or perhaps they give feelings the freedom to simply be. Regardless, I can't afford them. I wish I could erase you. I wish I could erase those years. When I can't...sometimes I wish I could simply erase me. Because without dreams, I'm simply me...a me that will always remember you.
One thing that we can't protect ourselves from are our dreams.
There are people, relationships and laughter that I sometimes find myself remembering, and as soon as I realize it, I will purposely block them, because it never takes me to a good place. Regrets never bring me peace.
Yet, sometimes these memories will find their way into my dreams, and they'll be good dreams. Sometimes better than the actual memory,which isn't really playing fair. In my dreams, the bad doesn't happen. In my dreams, the problems do not arise. In my dreams, it's good...so good.
Then, as dreams do, they end. Once again, though I've tried, and tried hard, to forget, I'll remember.
Once again, I'll remember you.
It's not that I want to, it's not that I try to. In fact, I fight it.
In the daylight, I remember the bad times. In the waking hours I remember the tears, the lies and the desperation that surrounded us. As I go through my daily motions, I remember you holding my hand, and then I'll remember you letting it go. And it still hurts, all of it.
Dreams betray our feelings, or perhaps they give feelings the freedom to simply be. Regardless, I can't afford them. I wish I could erase you. I wish I could erase those years. When I can't...sometimes I wish I could simply erase me. Because without dreams, I'm simply me...a me that will always remember you.
posted by kathi | 4:45 PM
26 Comments:
We have way too much in common woman.
~ya' made me cry
*hugs*
Kathi,
How I can relate.
My poem that I wrote earlier
in the week... and you commented
on was very much like what you
are talking about here.
Bittersweet memories!
My memories cause pain (and joy)
also. I sometimes wish I could
erase them from my mind forever
But, the memories will always
be there... good or bad.
Thank you for this post.
It touched me.
And, your words "I'm simply me...
a me that will always remember you"
made me realize that is me too...
I wish it wasn't though.
And, you made me cry too!
lisa ~ yeah, just left your blog...and I was thinking the same thing, lol.
samuru999 ~ no tears, women!! Geeze, okay, so sometimes I might cry too. :) But, bittersweet sucks...to me, anyway.
Absolutely beautiful. Thanks Kath!
deb ~ thank you, just a bunch of words thrown together. :)
it's kind of like trying NOT to think of a pink elephant. try as you might, it won't go away.
and i think if you're really honest with yourself, you wouldn't erase those years, for even if there was pain, there also was joy, however fleeting. and you wouldn't trade that for anything.
Darn the mid-week deepness.... I can't keep up....
Still, don't stop :)
ell ~ awww, darlin', you'd be wrong. I'd give anything to have some memories never visit me again...
Nothing like letting go...it's the release thats refreshing in the end...once we finalize, the end...thank you
This could apply to a couple of people for me, but I can't help but wonder if I'm the only one that thinks of my Mother when I read this....
I guess if you cant feel pain you'd just go and burn your hands again - nice post
cheers
I guess if you cant feel pain you'd just go and burn your hands again - nice post
cheers
I guess if you cant feel pain you'd just go and burn your hands again - nice post
cheers
you know i think blue got it
the things that hurt me the most make me me. and though i would wish they never happened i would not take them away.
so weird
I hate to dream. I get these intense dreams about people I definitivelly DON'T want to have any type of dreams about, and then I'm unable to get them out of my head...
And my daydreams never transend to the night... bummer!
I feel for you!
Sounds like a very tender spot. Kathi, what you've gone thru , where you've been, who you've known, all add up to who you are today. I don't think you want to change that, cuz you're awesome!
wes ~ hey darlin.
lisa ~ I can tell you for certian that it wasn't my mom I was thinking of as I wrote it. :)
tbg ~ good to see you, my friend. You haven't blogged lately, I miss you.
sass ~ I understand that, but somethings I could let go of that wouldn't take away from me.
heart ~ thanks babe. And on the daydreams...mine rarely do, either. Sad.
dabich ~ I'm not awesome, trust me. And, this is something that wouldn't take away from me if it hadn't taken place. But, I suppose I can't say that for sure, huh?
Kathi, you get the Wow of the day from me today.
crystal ~ wow...lol, you're such a goofball, and I do love you so. Tats, piercings and ALL!!
I think that it is important to remember that regret does nothing constructive. It only creates self-doubt, self-hate and ulcers; notice the self part. Regret can destory us, we are not meant to hold onto it. There comes a point when we have to face it and say I do not regret this anymore, it is what happened, I did the best I could at that time and whether good or bad I have learned from it. I will not be held captive by my regret. Seriously Kathi, our actions and the paths that we have walked down shape who we are, you have become the wonderful person you are BECAUSE of the journey you have been on, why do you want to change that. Sure not all of it is pleasent and there are things we all would like to change about ourselves but that is part of life, change is ongoing. Regret is standing still. I love who you are and I think that embracing and accepting how you became that way is much more beneficial than pushing it back regreting and trying to forget.
Maybe your dreams are not there to hurt you but to set you free from the hurt you feel and finally let go? It isn't until we face that hurt and deal that we are free from it and it starts to hurt less. Ignoring the phone ringing doesn't make the phone stop ringing. :)
*hug*
wow! very moving. I can relate on so many levels. Thank you. I don't think I could it any better.
huneeb ~ I'm gonna give you my sign in info and you can just add your stuff along side mine, it's much better than mine.
* Oh, side note...if you ignore it long enough, it quits ringing. Sooner or later, everyone gets a clue. :)
shawn ~ I don't know what to say to you. Your compliments always nearly paralyze me. Thank you, seriously.
Kathi I suppose that is true too, eventually; unless they are persistent then they call your fam, send cards, emails or just show up one day? Ya never know?
Oh and I like reading your stuff way better than mine :)
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