...and thanks for asking.

My heart is making it difficult to blog, because I've had something happen in my life that has upset me and it's hard for me to put into words. Perhaps because if I put it into words, especially here, then it would be impossible for me to ever take back and I'm not sure that's a road I want to take.

So, I will blog about something else that was recently brought up. A friend asked me the other day if I thought that life was worth it. If it had been my choice, knowing what life is like, would I have chosen to be born. I'm paraphrasing my interpretation of the question.
I thought about this question for awhile before answering. What came to my mind were the times I had tried to take my life.
Years before I had met Mark, back when I lived in Indianapolis, it was a very dark time in my life. I wasn't living on the streets, I had a great apartment. I wasn't unemployed, I had two jobs that I both enjoyed and was appreciated at, plus I was making pretty decent money. I wasn't physically lonely, I was surrounded by people who cared about me.
The dark place was in my mind. Some might say that I don't know what hard times are. This isn't true. Years before this 'dark time', I had been living on the streets (I'd hitch'd around the country for over a year before I even turned 20), and I've been unemployed to the point where I didn't know when I'd eat next. I've never, however, been physically lonely and that is a sad state in itself and not for my self proclaimed pg-13 rated blog.
My dark time was a hell that went with me wherever I went, regardless of what I was doing or whom I was with. It was mental, something I couldn't escape and what's worse, something I couldn't see wasn't worth dying for.
For those of you who have been with me for awhile, you've heard tales of my childhood...and I don't feel like going into those details again, not right now. It's enough to say that I had been told, though, from the time I was a child until I was grown, that I was worthless. I was programmed daily to believe that I was unloveable, that I'd never amount to anything and that I was completely worthless. These were some of my moms favorite chants, just like "I love you" and "I'm so proud of you" are mine to my kids.
So, regardless of my accomplishments and what was actually going on around me...in my mind no one loved me, I was ugly, and I was a failure. It got darker and darker, to the point that there wasn't room in my mind for anything good. It was there, but I just couldn't see it, I couldn't feel it. I self medicated, man, did I self medicate. It got to the point to where my dad (thanks Dad) would come by after he got off work late, late, at night just to make sure I'd not hurt myself. Sometimes that would keep me from killing myself that particular night because I couldn't stand the thought of my dad being the one to find me.

Now to my point. When my friend recently asked me if I thought life was actually worth anything...I thought back to those dark times when I honestly didn't believe it was. I believed that life was worthless, that there wasn't any reason for my being and by continuing to "be" was just prolonging the pain I was in daily. What I didn't know then that I do know now, was that it was in my head. Yeah, what a simple thing to say, huh? But it's true. It was in my head. But, unfortunately, it was in my head and so that's what I thought...it was all I thought!
A little over 20 years later I can see that, yes, it was and is worth living. It was worth the pain I felt, the emotional and mental hell (and it was hell) I went through 24/7 for years. Because I have made a difference to this world. I've given the world two phenomenal people in my kids. All those years ago, when I believed getting pregnant was not a possibility for me (and many times I thought it was a blessing), my life having something to contribute like Casey and Charlie wasn't something I could have ever foreseen. And, it's not just my kids. I've made a difference in many areas. I know this without any doubt whatsoever. There are peoples lives I have touched, there are peoples lives I have changed, there are prayers that I've lifted up and walls that I've torn down. I've made a difference.
My point, in case you missed it, is that 20 some years ago, I'd never been able to imagine that my life would matter to anyone since it mattered so little to me. None of us can know what will be in our future. And, when everything feels so hopeless it's nearly impossilbe to understand that nothing is hopeless.

So yes, my dear, sweet friend, who asked me if I believed life was really worth it, I do believe life is worth it, I believe it's worth it all...and thanks for asking.