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MY LIFE AS I LIVE IT

I'm a single mom with two great kids living near Dallas, Texas. This is my life; day to day things that are probably only important to me. This is my record of my ups, my downs and the road that I've taken along the way. For whatever reason YOU'RE here, I hope you find something you can enjoy and/or relate to. God bless.

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Location: Dallas, Texas, United States

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

...and thanks for asking.

My heart is making it difficult to blog, because I've had something happen in my life that has upset me and it's hard for me to put into words. Perhaps because if I put it into words, especially here, then it would be impossible for me to ever take back and I'm not sure that's a road I want to take.

So, I will blog about something else that was recently brought up. A friend asked me the other day if I thought that life was worth it. If it had been my choice, knowing what life is like, would I have chosen to be born. I'm paraphrasing my interpretation of the question.
I thought about this question for awhile before answering. What came to my mind were the times I had tried to take my life.
Years before I had met Mark, back when I lived in Indianapolis, it was a very dark time in my life. I wasn't living on the streets, I had a great apartment. I wasn't unemployed, I had two jobs that I both enjoyed and was appreciated at, plus I was making pretty decent money. I wasn't physically lonely, I was surrounded by people who cared about me.
The dark place was in my mind. Some might say that I don't know what hard times are. This isn't true. Years before this 'dark time', I had been living on the streets (I'd hitch'd around the country for over a year before I even turned 20), and I've been unemployed to the point where I didn't know when I'd eat next. I've never, however, been physically lonely and that is a sad state in itself and not for my self proclaimed pg-13 rated blog.
My dark time was a hell that went with me wherever I went, regardless of what I was doing or whom I was with. It was mental, something I couldn't escape and what's worse, something I couldn't see wasn't worth dying for.
For those of you who have been with me for awhile, you've heard tales of my childhood...and I don't feel like going into those details again, not right now. It's enough to say that I had been told, though, from the time I was a child until I was grown, that I was worthless. I was programmed daily to believe that I was unloveable, that I'd never amount to anything and that I was completely worthless. These were some of my moms favorite chants, just like "I love you" and "I'm so proud of you" are mine to my kids.
So, regardless of my accomplishments and what was actually going on around me...in my mind no one loved me, I was ugly, and I was a failure. It got darker and darker, to the point that there wasn't room in my mind for anything good. It was there, but I just couldn't see it, I couldn't feel it. I self medicated, man, did I self medicate. It got to the point to where my dad (thanks Dad) would come by after he got off work late, late, at night just to make sure I'd not hurt myself. Sometimes that would keep me from killing myself that particular night because I couldn't stand the thought of my dad being the one to find me.

Now to my point. When my friend recently asked me if I thought life was actually worth anything...I thought back to those dark times when I honestly didn't believe it was. I believed that life was worthless, that there wasn't any reason for my being and by continuing to "be" was just prolonging the pain I was in daily. What I didn't know then that I do know now, was that it was in my head. Yeah, what a simple thing to say, huh? But it's true. It was in my head. But, unfortunately, it was in my head and so that's what I thought...it was all I thought!
A little over 20 years later I can see that, yes, it was and is worth living. It was worth the pain I felt, the emotional and mental hell (and it was hell) I went through 24/7 for years. Because I have made a difference to this world. I've given the world two phenomenal people in my kids. All those years ago, when I believed getting pregnant was not a possibility for me (and many times I thought it was a blessing), my life having something to contribute like Casey and Charlie wasn't something I could have ever foreseen. And, it's not just my kids. I've made a difference in many areas. I know this without any doubt whatsoever. There are peoples lives I have touched, there are peoples lives I have changed, there are prayers that I've lifted up and walls that I've torn down. I've made a difference.
My point, in case you missed it, is that 20 some years ago, I'd never been able to imagine that my life would matter to anyone since it mattered so little to me. None of us can know what will be in our future. And, when everything feels so hopeless it's nearly impossilbe to understand that nothing is hopeless.

So yes, my dear, sweet friend, who asked me if I believed life was really worth it, I do believe life is worth it, I believe it's worth it all...and thanks for asking.

24 Comments:

Blogger Mike said...

Life has its ups and downs...as long as there are more ups than downs life is good.

8:43 AM  
Blogger Casually Me said...

A post for the ages. Beautifully written, from a beautiful woman whose physical beauty is only exceeded by the beauty of her soul. Thanks for writing that. You made my day.

8:48 AM  
Anonymous 3carnations said...

Life is most definitely "worth it".

I hope that the difficulties you are encountering right now will become easier to deal with.

9:01 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Every minute of life is worth it, so charish it.

abi

9:06 AM  
Blogger Mike said...

You still don't see a pic huh?...that's weird.

9:53 AM  
Blogger kathi said...

mike ~ even the downs can be used to help others avoid that downfall in the future...it's all good.

tom ~ love you much.

3 c's ~ it's going to be all good, just got my feelings hurt by someone I considered very close to me. Hurts. A lot. :) Thanks so much for caring.

abi ~ I love you darlin! Charlie had such a good time with your family at the lake this weekend!

mike ~ NO, and I wish you'd get it fixed, really starting to bug me. :)

10:19 AM  
Blogger Johnnie Avocado said...

Life is totally awesome. Darkness will always try to creep in, but you have to forge on. I hope you get through it okay, Kathi.

11:43 AM  
Blogger The Real Kidd said...

What an awesome post! Thank you for sharing with us. You are a beautiful person, both inside and out. And I for one feel very lucky to have met you here in blogland.

12:10 PM  
Blogger Anne said...

Awh Kathi..I hate it that you have heavy stuff going on...

And I am with Kidd..I feel priviliged to know you. You are one of my favorite people ever and you have made a big difference to me. *big hug*

3:13 PM  
Blogger Anne said...

oh yeah..and if you need to talk about stuff use that number I gave you. I know you probably have plenty of RL friends to talk about real stuff with..but if you ever need to talk to someone who is outside the RL bubble call me. I can listen as well as I talk.

Okay..thats a lie. I listen almost as well as I talk. :)

Love you to pieces lady...

3:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm glad Charlie had fun with us this weekend. It was awesome, did he tell you about it. It was the best memorial weekend I've hade so far. Went camping and everthing till Monday. I tried to take pictures of him, but he said that he didnt want any pictures taken. I manager to get aleast one or two of him. I'll send them to you. Love ya'll all a BUNCH!!!

xoxo
Abi

4:29 PM  
Blogger kathi said...

johnnie ~ I agree, and I'm good, no worries.

kidd ~ thank you so much, I feel the same way about you, thank you.

anne ~ my little sweetheart...I adore you. When I call you, it won't be to whine, not to worry. I'm good, just got my feelings hurt by a long time friend...something you're familiar with.

abi ~ yeah he talked about it, lol. And I'm still putting sunburn stuff on the poor kid, but it's not a red burn, it's a dark brown, no peeling. He loved it, said it was the best meat he'd ever had...what was it?

5:21 PM  
Blogger David said...

Wow, I am right there with you. Have you been reading my journal? :-)

9:36 PM  
Blogger Genna said...

This was wonderful. I can relate to sooo much of this.

When you are standing close to the wall, sometimes you can't even see the wall, let alone see PAST it. I am glad you have reached the other side. The view is beautiful.

XOXOXO

10:06 PM  
Blogger kathi said...

david ~ nope, not yet...where is it? :)

genna ~ thanks darlin, you too. Enjoy your company. :) Hugs.

10:15 PM  
Blogger DZER said...

great post, darlin' ... got me all sappy and stuff

10:36 PM  
Blogger kathi said...

dzer ~ lol, you're so full of it, but I love ya anyway!

6:10 AM  
Blogger DZER said...

full of it? I'm overflowing! ;)

7:54 AM  
Blogger Shawn said...

good post! I love when you talk about your evolution. You sound so at peace with life. That has to be a great place to be.

I've always wondered if the final destination makes the drama experienced on the journey worth it.

I don't know. I'm still trying to work that out in my head.

10:46 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

dont know but it was really good.

abi

11:59 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

wow
that was an amazing post kathi.

amazing

thanks for writing it

4:27 PM  
Blogger kathi said...

dzer ~ silly man, overflowing with humor and wit perhaps.

shawn ~ final destination...darlin, I'm not dead! But you giving me praise means more than you know.

sass ~ wow, thanks girl.

5:27 PM  
Blogger :phil: said...

You always write such wonderful posts Kathi.
Thank you...

6:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is very interesting site...
» » »

9:22 AM  

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