A Blast From My Past

My friend, Abi, recently sent me a list of the Brand new edition of... "You know you're a redneck when......" and it occurred to me that I've never told any stories about my first marriage. Of course, when I think about writing anything, I always wonder if I should change the names to protect the innocent...and by that I mean to keep myself out of court. But, it's all first hand and true...so hold onto your seats, children.

I met Butch while I was living with another guy. Butch and his two roommates hung out at the pool every day acting like kids playing hooky from school, I was immediately attracted to him. Butch was athletic with long blonde hair and made no attempt to disguise the fact that he was a player. Yeah, we were perfect for each other.
For some reason that I can't remember (if I ever knew), Butch needed to disappear for awhile and, I kid you not, he joined the carnival. My guy...the carne. His roomies and I would travel around to see him occasionally...he lived up to all a carne should be.
Sometime later he got tired of playing Toby Tyler and came home, but by that time, I'd moved into his room of the three bedroom apartment he'd shared with his roommates. Things just progressed from there and he took me home to meet his family. Who'd have guessed that Butch would have been the cream of the crop?
The first visit to his family's home had been to a celebration in honor of his younger brother's release from prison. His second release from prison. I'm not being tacky here, it just bears mentioning. Butch's parents home was gorgeous. Remember I came from a home that gave Ma and Pa Kettle's farm a run for it's money. Their home just blew me away, and it was as beautiful inside as it was out. It was during this visit that his parents took me aside and told me that if I would marry their son, Butch, that they would put a down payment on a home for me. I thought they were kidding, but they weren't.
Butch's parents were from Kentucky. I love Kentucky, so hush. After we were married, his parents took us there so that I could meet the grandparents. They lived in the heart of tobacco country. I remember thinking what a cute little house his grandparents had up on a hill way out in the country. His Grandma looked like she was over a hundred years old, with her lips sucking and smacking against her toothless gums. As we walked up the steps, this frail old lady reached down and picked up a can without a label on it and carried it towards me. I thought it was something for me until right before I reached her, she spit a long string of dark drippings from her lips into it. With a little dribble of the dark spit hanging from her mouth, she put her arms around me and kissed me on the cheek. I know it sounds bad, but it's actually not as bad as it gets, because I threw up and for the rest of the weekend, I spent a lot of time throwing up. His family was sure I was pregnant. Nope, it was merely the spittoon cans sitting all over every room and the smell of meat curing in the back room of the house. I was a vegetarian and everything they fixed was cooked with meat or meat by products. Even the greens or salad would have bacon drippings poured over it. The outhouse began to look good to me by the end of the weekend.
Yeah, good memories. And I don't want to forget about the time that Butch's parents called us around 3 a.m., wanting Butch to break into a guys house and get his sister's stereo back. Apparently, according to them, Butch's sister had owed a man money and the man took her stereo when his sister couldn't pay. They couldn't ask Butch's brother to do it because one more strike against him (this is where the second release from prison fits in) and the '3rd strike you're out' rule they had in Indiana would send him away for life. Which, I actually didn't see a problem with. But anyway, their daughter had called her parents and said she'd seen this man who had her stereo out at a club she was at and so it would be a good time for Butch to break into this guys home and get his sisters stereo back. This was the beginning of where my in-laws and I lost our love for each other, because I threatened to call the police myself if Butch left to do this.
Soon, we began to go our separate ways and I eventually moved out for good, after several attempts of moving out and going back. I think the last time when he actually fired a gun over my head, threatening to kill me if I didn't get back in the house was the straw that broke the camels back...so to speak. Gotta love that camel. I did think about giving him one more chance because he just sounded so sincere when he'd beg and promise to change...but when I went to our house to talk to him, unannounced, and a pregnant girl answered my door...kind of took the wind out of my sails. He still refused to give me a divorce for a long time, telling me the girl had been a mistake. But, once her parents threatened to have him arrested for statutory rape if he didn't marry their daughter (yeah, she was 16), he agreed to the divorce. When people ask if there were any kids in my first marriage I can honestly say yes...just not mine. What a family I divorced out of, huh? And so, with that said, I give you: The Brand New Edition Of...

You Know You're A Redneck When...

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7.You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

And just in memory of my ex-in-laws, I want to add one more:

31. When the color on your tin foil Christmas tree comes from a rotating color wheel.

Hugs to all.