All I want, I have.

So my family is whole again, and all is right with my world. I don't worry about Casey when he's at school, it's not like I sit around wondering where he is or what he's doing. In fact, I've not thought that way once, and now I'm wondering if that's odd. I just miss him when he's not home, as if there is something that's out of place, something that keeps me from relaxing completely without my even realizing it. When he walks in the door, it's then that I realize that all wasn't quite right with my world, and here is what was missing, my baby. When he's home, I'm more comfortable, I sleep better, I enjoy things more...even the simple things like watching a movie. I'm like this, too, with Charlie. When he goes somewhere with a friend, even though he calls to check in with me, there is a tad of unrest about me. When he comes home, I breathe easier.

When I left college between my freshman and sophomore year, I have no idea how my parents survived it. I can only now imagine what I must have put them through. They had no address for me, knew nothing of where I was, with whom I was living, how I was living or if I was living. I wish they were alive for me to apologize to. I'm so sorry. When I moved to Texas at 29, not knowing a soul, without a job and less than $100 in my pocket...how did they live through that? I don't think I'm strong enough to get through something like that. I've surprised myself a lot with how strong I can be and how much I can get through (glory to God), but how hard this would be! I never understood completely what I put my family through. Granted, I was selfish and never really stopped to think about it...till now.

I remember when I'd go home to visit, how I would catch my mom staring at me, just watching me. Now I understand. I can't get enough of looking at Casey. While they are growing up, you nearly take it for granted that there will be a tomorrow, a next week or a next year with them saying good morning to you, giving you that random hug every day, the occasional cross words and those contagious smiles. Then they graduate high school, then they go to college, and then they'll be married with kids of their own. I didn't understand how my mom felt until now and my boys will not understand this feeling until their own kids are near the 'leaving' age.

So, for the holidays, Casey and Charlie keep asking me what I want for Christmas. I want what I have. It's all I could possibly ask for because nothing else could make me as happy.