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MY LIFE AS I LIVE IT

I'm a single mom with two great kids living near Dallas, Texas. This is my life; day to day things that are probably only important to me. This is my record of my ups, my downs and the road that I've taken along the way. For whatever reason YOU'RE here, I hope you find something you can enjoy and/or relate to. God bless.

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Location: Dallas, Texas, United States

Monday, December 17, 2007

All I want, I have.

So my family is whole again, and all is right with my world. I don't worry about Casey when he's at school, it's not like I sit around wondering where he is or what he's doing. In fact, I've not thought that way once, and now I'm wondering if that's odd. I just miss him when he's not home, as if there is something that's out of place, something that keeps me from relaxing completely without my even realizing it. When he walks in the door, it's then that I realize that all wasn't quite right with my world, and here is what was missing, my baby. When he's home, I'm more comfortable, I sleep better, I enjoy things more...even the simple things like watching a movie. I'm like this, too, with Charlie. When he goes somewhere with a friend, even though he calls to check in with me, there is a tad of unrest about me. When he comes home, I breathe easier.

When I left college between my freshman and sophomore year, I have no idea how my parents survived it. I can only now imagine what I must have put them through. They had no address for me, knew nothing of where I was, with whom I was living, how I was living or if I was living. I wish they were alive for me to apologize to. I'm so sorry. When I moved to Texas at 29, not knowing a soul, without a job and less than $100 in my pocket...how did they live through that? I don't think I'm strong enough to get through something like that. I've surprised myself a lot with how strong I can be and how much I can get through (glory to God), but how hard this would be! I never understood completely what I put my family through. Granted, I was selfish and never really stopped to think about it...till now.

I remember when I'd go home to visit, how I would catch my mom staring at me, just watching me. Now I understand. I can't get enough of looking at Casey. While they are growing up, you nearly take it for granted that there will be a tomorrow, a next week or a next year with them saying good morning to you, giving you that random hug every day, the occasional cross words and those contagious smiles. Then they graduate high school, then they go to college, and then they'll be married with kids of their own. I didn't understand how my mom felt until now and my boys will not understand this feeling until their own kids are near the 'leaving' age.

So, for the holidays, Casey and Charlie keep asking me what I want for Christmas. I want what I have. It's all I could possibly ask for because nothing else could make me as happy.

9 Comments:

Blogger Lynilu said...

Being a parent changes everything, doesn't it?

I'll bet your parents hear you. :)

5:37 PM  
Blogger kathi said...

Absolutely everything...thank God. :) And I'm sure you're right, they know it now.

5:59 AM  
Blogger Mariposa said...

Thanks for this post...this is a reminder for me as a daugther and an insight for me once I become a Mom...

(((hugs)))

2:05 PM  
Blogger Shannon said...

I'm glad I found your blog at this time in my life. You have been such an inspiration to me and also, since you're going through these feelings with Casey this year - I'll kind of know what to expect when Heather leaves next year.

Thanks for sharing and have a wonderful time with your boys.

5:14 PM  
Blogger Johnnie Avocado said...

congrats...NERD!!!!

7:11 AM  
Blogger ~Deb said...

What a beautiful post Kath. I don't have children, but I can only imagine how complete you must feel when they return to you.

Thanks for sharing this!

Love,
Deb

10:10 AM  
Blogger DaBich said...

This put such a HUGE smile on my face =D (see?)
My oldest daughter, Larissa went thru a period of about a year not speaking/communicating with me. She blamed me for breaking up our family (I divorced her dad), and blamed me for shutting off her cell phone (she was working and I was paying for it. The bill was always over $150 for a $39.99 plan). It was a rough year. I took the first step in communicating with her. She responded slowly, and we talked it all out. I am thankful we have a relationship once again.
You are so right to count your boys as blessings. There is no greater gift.
Enjoy your Christmas with them!

8:10 AM  
Blogger Nancy said...

I think your parents hear you, too.

Merry Christmas, Kathi. I hope the New Year brings you much happiness.

12:01 PM  
Blogger Rosemarie said...

You're blessed! Thanks for sharing from your heart. I really appreciate an experienced mom's view.

I'm reminded how grateful I am to be a sahm and take it all in, no matter how tired I am. ;)

8:20 AM  

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