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MY LIFE AS I LIVE IT

I'm a single mom with two great kids living near Dallas, Texas. This is my life; day to day things that are probably only important to me. This is my record of my ups, my downs and the road that I've taken along the way. For whatever reason YOU'RE here, I hope you find something you can enjoy and/or relate to. God bless.

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Location: Dallas, Texas, United States

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Peace, Please Be Still

I sort of feel like I've backed myself into a corner here. There seems to be all these different emotions and questions tearing at each other inside of me, and I don't have anything to do with them. I can't write about them, though that's what I want to do. I can't talk about them, because I honestly do not want to give them voice. I want them to quiet down and stop pounding at the walls of my head, but I don't know how to make them be still. I could get drunk, but I don't like to drink. I could take a bunch of pills, but I don't want to cower from my responsibilities.
I'm on my knees a lot, and I know that I have the strength and the faith to see me through anything this world throws at me. I know there is a divine peace, I've been there many times. Maybe it's harder to get there now because I have passengers on board...my children. But I'll get there again, because in my heart I know that God is in control.

I know, not much of a post. but I can't and I won't post what's begging to get out. Because, let's face it...once something is done, it's impossible to take it back. Some of us have found that our the hard way. I don't want to make that mistake.

36 Comments:

Blogger Mike said...

Talk to somebody you trust is what I recommend. I wouldn't blog about it myself. Heck, I have nothing exciting going on in my life but I still reveal little about myself in my blog.

Good luck...and I'm thinking about you.

11:50 AM  
Anonymous 3carnations said...

I agree with Mike. It's much too personal to put here for everyone, strangers and maybe especially those who AREN'T strangers, to read. But you do need to get it out. Anger and fear and burning questions are OK. You can't let them consume you, but you need to get them out to make them go away. How about your pastor?

12:39 PM  
Blogger kathi said...

mike ~ easier said than done. Guess I must have trust issues, who knew? :)

3 carnations ~ I've never spoken personally to my pastor, I'm very shy and honestly a bit of a 'wall flower'...and I'd hate the first time I talk to him would be about this. But, maybe that's what I'm suppose to do.

12:46 PM  
Blogger Michelle said...

How about keeping a journal to write all of your feelings down in. At least you would be able to give them a voice and let them out. And maybe in a few years you would be able to look back at that journal and praise God for getting you through this time and making you stronger...just a thought.

1:14 PM  
Blogger :phil: said...

I think this was a hell of a post. A good friend of mine once told me
"Sometimes you have to go through things, not around them..."

None of my business, and this shows my ignorance, but is your pastor married? I never understood the talking to a priest in the catholic church about marriage issues. I wouldn't go to my car mechanic about a plumbing problem.
(oh me of little faith...)

1:20 PM  
Anonymous steve said...

Isn't it exciting and very good to know God is in control??

:-}

1:45 PM  
Blogger ~ Amanda X&O said...

I know it seems like an insurmountable problem right now, but you will get through it.

1:55 PM  
Blogger LoveLladro said...

Kathi... write it down for only you to see. If you choose to show someone in the future then that is fine but don't keep it bottled inside... get it out somewhere constructive! I am praying for you and amen, God is in control. He has a plan.

2:35 PM  
Blogger The Real Kidd said...

Honey you have my thoughts and prayers. ((hug))

2:53 PM  
Blogger samuru999 said...

Kathi,
I'll share this poem.
Haven
I'll build a tower in
my mind...
Of all the beauty that
I know...
When life seems ugly
then I'll have...
A high and secret
place to go!
I have you in my thoughts
and prayers!

2:57 PM  
Blogger Casually Me said...

Blogging, smogging, you do what it is you need to do to make that person inside happy. Trust is a tough thing, it seems like everytime I think I have trust with someone...I find out it's not reciprocal. Very bothersome, and it makes it so hard to trust the next time...whatever it is...I am in your camp, on your team...

3:25 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

I agree that you need to get this stuff out. The place/time/person will have to be of your choosing.

The only thing I will say is that sometimes the nicest thing you can do for someone is to let them help. My best friend had to point that out to me not too long ago. Sometimes being strong not only makes us alone, but hurts those who love us.

As for trusting people...yet another tough one because the only way you are able to trust someone is by trusting them in the first place....UGH...don't ya' just hate that?

Just know that there are many many people who are thinking of you and wishing we could make your burden lighter.

{{{{hugs}}}}

3:35 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

well um
maybe you could write a letter to the universe with all of these things inside you in it... and then say something like 'and with this i send my fear and anger and sadness out to someone who needs them' and burn the letter.

or put it in a bottle and set it adrift... some kind of symbolic letting go.

just a thought?

4:26 PM  
Blogger kathi said...

michelle ~ ahhh, hon, trust me...a journal I keep. :)

phil ~ thank you, and I agree with your friend. My pastor is married, lol, and I understand the question.

steve ~ yes, completely.

amanda ~ I have no doubt about it whatsoever. Just wish this banging in my head would stop. :)

lovelladro ~ thanks so much, I know you stand with me in faith.

kidd ~ thank you darlin, I really do appreciate it.

samuru999 ~ it's beautiful, thank you.

tom ~ that is something I have NO DOUBT about, and it means a great deal to me. :)

lisa ~ lol, yup, it's all true. And I agree, it's so hard to trust and it sometimes does hurt when you're trying to help someone and they won't trust you enough to let you. I completely agree that I have trust issues, and the latest events haven't helped with that. Hugs back at'cha!

sass ~ I can honestly say that fear and anger are not among the emotions. Sadness...yes. It hurts to see my kids so lost and confused...and I, too, sometimes feel a bit lost as the life I had for 22 years is just gone. But, that's also can be an exciting thing, a new start...and all that. I just didn't get to have a transition period.
I do like the burning idea...thanks babe.

4:59 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

kathi i was making those up, i almost put in a disclaimer to that effect. i didn't want to try and imagine what you're feeling, how could i, i've never been in your shoes.

i just know that releasing stuff like that really helps me a LOT!

5:55 PM  
Blogger kathi said...

sass ~ ssssshhhhhhhh! Let's just keep the burning thing between us, and if anyone comes asking you about it, deny, deny, deny! LOL

8:39 PM  
Blogger Wes said...

Rock on sista. You nailed it with that last mini-paragraph. A woman with foresight just rocks....

9:49 PM  
Blogger Anne said...

Oh Kathi..If it were me I would probably blog about it..but I dont think that you should because there could be way too much risk involved. It sucks that you cant get it out. I hope that you are least able to rant to someone. And if you dont feel like you can..you can always call me. I love a good rant.

*hug* Keep that chin up lady..

11:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

burning what burning?

11:24 PM  
Anonymous phoenix9873 said...

I have learned one thing that keeps me going in my times of trial and that is to surrender all to the Lord. There are times when my mind is in utter chaos and turmoil and I fall to my knees and just say, Lord I have no control here, so I am surrendering all to you, all of my troubles, cares, my kids to keep safe, my marriage, my life, all and then I pray for peace. To be honest that little prayer works for me, I have to really mean it, but when I do, it really works. I do believe that giving voice to something allows satan free reign and I chose not to speak for satan. By surrendering all to the Lord, he can do a much better job of fixing whatever problem I have and he does a better job than I ever will. So, more often than not I pray about my problems and then leave them to him to fix. That way there are fewer headaches for me to deal with. Surrendering to the Lord makes my whole life a lot easier to live; I can tell you from very personal experience. I will keep you in my prayers and I hope he gives you the peace I have found through him.

1:02 AM  
Blogger Heart Of Darkness said...

Hang in there.
Write them down as a letter you never send.
Or go to the gym and kick the crap out of a boxing bag... usually works for me... :)
Charcoal on paper never fails either...! ;)

But I promise you - I PROMISE - it will get better.

3:19 AM  
Blogger Shawn said...

Coming 'round to check on ya!

"I can't talk about them, because I honestly do not want to give them voice." oh, I have so many days and nights like that.

I do hope you are talking to someone about the questions because they will only linger if you don't.

you can't hide it ALL inside it's not physically, emotionally or spiritually healthy.

9:08 AM  
Blogger ~Deb said...

You know, as well as I do, that when we’re weak, God’s strength will help us. Sometimes it’s hard to sit down and pray to God while we’re in the midst of turmoil and ‘shock’ ---which you’re in, but if you can get the opportunity to sit still, be by yourself and just pray pray and pray some more…you’ll see a huge difference. Anytime something traumatic happens to me, the last thing I want to do is be peaceful or still and sit and pray. It’s like, “NO! I have too much energy that I need to release!!!” But… that energy is wasted. And sometimes that energy is wasted and pounced upon someone who is trying to help me.

I’m praying for you Kath. You’ll get through this. Keep writing, and keep praying to God most of all.

Love you!!!

10:21 AM  
Blogger Johnnie Avocado said...

Harder because you have passengers? Those passengers are the reason you will make it through this. Talk out your feelings with a friend, I agree. An open dialogue would be good for you, but not here.

1:29 PM  
Blogger samuru999 said...

kathi,
I will be thinking of you
while I am away. You are strong
and amazing... and have faith
and courage... and the most
wonderful and best sons. You will be fine through all of this
See you when I return.
God bless!
HUGGGGGGZ

4:22 PM  
Blogger Nikki Jo said...

I just wanted to tell you I love you. Hugs!!

4:54 PM  
Blogger HuneeB said...

Kathi bottled up is no good but I hope that you can find comfort in your heart, I know you've heard it a million and one times, it takes time. Keep praying, taking baby steps everyday and caring for your boys and the pieces will mend. :)

send my best

xoxo

7:08 PM  
Blogger blkbutterfly said...

ms. kathi,
oh, how i know what it's like to be in this place. i know it's been said before, but you've got to find a way to release yourself of the issues. i'm trusting and believing your mind will find peace.

7:14 PM  
Blogger kathi said...

wes ~ tis true, huh? :)

anne ~ I love a good rant too, and it's what I need! Chin's up, hon, chin's up.

sass ~ that'a girl.

phoenix9873 ~ obviously, we speak the same language. Glad you came by, thank you very much.

heart ~ I punch the hell out of my bag in the garage. Helps.

shawn ~ I just love how much you care about me. :)

deb ~ hon, telling me to pray is like telling me to breathe. It just is. Love you too.

johnnie ~ good point, thanks.

samuru999 ~ thanks, be safe.

nikki ~ thanks baby girl. I'm sorry you had to read about it, I shoulda called you and abi...wasn't thinking. love you!

huneeb ~ baby steps, exactly! That's what keeps going through my mind. One step at a time. I'm good, that I can do. :)

blkbutterfly ~ I need to visit you! Thanks for caring so much, darlin, and for all your other comments too. Means a great deal.

9:16 PM  
Blogger Kuan Gung said...

You can only move forward right now...it's the only frame of reference to affect change...move forward with the confidence you've shown...very best of wishes...

9:18 PM  
Blogger Anonymous Shannon said...

I agree that the blogshpere isn't a good place to release the stress you've currently induced. Please do talk to a close trusted friend. It will help immensely.

9:58 PM  
Blogger Greg - Cowboy in the Jungle said...

You ok?

10:04 PM  
Blogger kathi said...

kuan ~ that's my goal, thank you.

shannon & greg ~ I've missed you both. I'm good, really, thanks so much for checking on me and for caring. :)

12:31 AM  
Blogger DaBich said...

Well, you've got a lot of good advice. I can only agree that it's NOT good to bottle it all up. It will only explode, then YUCK...no good.
When I was in a similar position, I cried some, I walked for miles, and I prayed more than both of those things.
Remember you are loved and keep on keepin on.
HUGZ!

6:34 AM  
Blogger The Humanity Critic said...

Definitely, I hope that you are able to talk to somebody about the particular things on you mind. I have your back..

9:44 AM  
Blogger Genna said...

XOXOXOXOXO. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

9:56 PM  

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