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MY LIFE AS I LIVE IT

I'm a single mom with two great kids living near Dallas, Texas. This is my life; day to day things that are probably only important to me. This is my record of my ups, my downs and the road that I've taken along the way. For whatever reason YOU'RE here, I hope you find something you can enjoy and/or relate to. God bless.

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Location: Dallas, Texas, United States

Friday, July 07, 2006

...And There You Have It

I want to thank all of you for your kindness and concern for the boys and myself. I am simply overwhelmed at the emails along with phone numbers, and I promise that I'll only sell them to the highest paying solicitors. ;) Hey, I am a single mother of two now, and growing boys gotta eat. Yeah, I know you know I'm kidding. And, that is something else many of you are asking me, if I'm really as strong as I sound or if I'm hiding my feelings (which I know is not a healthy thing to do, but thanks for telling me anyway, because I know y'all care). But you must keep in mind that my boys do occasionally read this dribble of mine and I'd never let them hear (or read) anything bad about their dad...and Mark may read it as well, and I don't want to hurt him.

Of course I have feelings that want to come out in the form of screaming, breaking things, and tears. I haven't done any screaming, only broke one thing and it was something of mine, figures...and the tears, well, the tears were heavy but they're gone now.

Nearly everyone asks if I saw this coming, even if it was unconsciously. No, I really didn't. I've always said that Mark was one of the nicest men I've ever met, and except for his recent actions, that will always remain true. We have developed, over the last few years, different interests and hobbies. We've been married 22 years this October, so I figured that happens. I suppose I was wrong. I'll admit that I've been lonely for a very long time in the way of romance. However, I also figured that after 22 years, still being best friends with your spouse, with benefits, was what long term marriages probably turned into. Again, I suppose I was wrong. I love Mark, and I have no doubt that he loves the boys and me. But it's the "in love" that is missing.

Over the last several years, Mark has indulged in a behavior that I'll not go into right now. We all deserve our privacy, and Mark is no exception. This behavior has been a source of conflict between he and I. I always hoped he would eventually get a handle on it, and that has been my constant prayer. But, we all have the freedom of choice. You may not know this about me, but I'm rather outspoken, and I do have a tendency to say what is on my mind. Oh, you did suspect? Well, I don't suppose I keep it a secret. :) Mark did not appreciate this when it was concerning his behavior. I understand that. That is his right, but it's not in me to refrain from speaking my mind when I'm highly concerned over something that is affecting my family. This, I believe, was the straw that broke the proverbial camels back. Do I regret anything? Absolutely not. I will fight to protect, not only the physical but spiritual, health of my children.

Though I'm deeply disappointed in the way Mark left, and the damage he has done to our children, I am not disappointed that he is gone. It has actually been...I don't know how to say it, perhaps more peaceful, more relaxing...since he left and I moved everything of his out into the guest room. The boys and I have drawn much closer, and they are very protective of me, which sometimes makes me cry. They've become the 'man' of the house and they're taking that responsibility very seriously. I've assured them many times that their father will not abandon us financially, as that is what he's told me over the phone, but, and their point is valid given the manner in which he left, they are afraid to trust him. Charlie keeps asking if I'll be able to buy him some shorts for school, because a lot of his are getting too small. That breaks my heart that they are worrying over things like that. They are trying very hard to find jobs, as am I. I'll no longer be able to sub, which I have always loved, but I'll need to find something full time with benefits which subbing does not provide. No, I'm not teacher certified, so teaching full time is not an option.

Last Thursdays post 'Part Of Life' must have been a sort of prophesy, and going back to read it several times has given me strength. Each of you have given me strength...and hope, and I can't tell you how much I've needed it and appreciated it. I don't have any parents or family of my own, only Marks. Which, have been so supportive and loving, I am very blessed to have them. I only have 2 friends, one here and one in Ohio (Katy), and they are hurting for me so much it breaks my heart that I've done this to them. What I'm trying to say is thank you, all of you, for caring so much about me. I don't know why I deserve you, but I thank God for you.

45 Comments:

Anonymous 3carnations said...

Not surprising to me, you are handling this situation with a lot of faith, grace and strength. That will be a blessing to both you and your boys.

When my ex left me nearly a decade ago I too had very few friends, very little family (and none local), but did not have any children at that time, so they were not forced to deal with the aftermath as yours are. I can see how that must make this ten times more difficult, yet somehow perhaps a little easier at the same time, because you have each other.

You know you're in my and a lot of people's prayers here, and that God is watching over you and your sons. You'll be fine, and I can tell that you know that.

Blessings.

8:02 AM  
Blogger Johnnie Avocado said...

Kathi,
In our short time of knowing one another, I've seen that you are a great person, and loving mother. My heart is broken for you.

8:06 AM  
Blogger ~Deb said...

Nothing I can say or do will make you feel better. You deserve your privacy if you choose…

There’s a scripture that helped me when I was going through something similar Kath.

“So I tell you, don’t worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food to eat or clothes to wear. For life consists of far more than food and clothing. Look at the ravens. They don’t need to plant or harvest or put food in barns because God feeds them. And you are far more valuable to him than any birds! Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? Of course not! And if worry can’t do little things like that, what’s the use of worrying over bigger things? Look at the lilies and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for flowers that are here today and gone tomorrow, won’t he more surely care for you? You have so little faith! And don’t worry about food—what to eat and drink. Don’t worry whether God will provide it for you. These things dominate the thoughts of most people, but your Father already knows your needs. He will give you all you need from day to day if you make the Kingdom of God your primary concern. So don’t be afraid, little flock. For it gives your Father great happiness to give you the Kingdom.” ~Luke 12:22-32

My heart broke when you explained about Casey asking about his new shorts. My heart breaks to hear of what happened period.

Our prayers and thoughts are with you. I know, I’m one of those annoying emailers who keep throwing you my number….but I mean it Kath, call / write if you need anything!

Love you!! xxoo

8:13 AM  
Blogger Mike said...

Just know that I've been thinking about you a lot lately. I just hope all turns out for the best for you and the boys. It sounds like you have a couple of great kids there. Best wishes kathi!

8:34 AM  
Blogger samuru999 said...

You are an amazingly strong person!
I have only known you for a very
short time, but I feel a special
connection to you.
I know you will be ok... and you and your wonderful kids will be there for each other to weather
the storm.
"Good things come in you"
"Good things come in your kids"
Take care.
Hugs xxxx across the miles!

8:35 AM  
Blogger kathi said...

3 carnations ~ funny how you and I are both praying for each other. Wonder if God has given us our own 'phone line'. Thank you for caring about me, I feel like you are handling your situation the same way, with faith, grace and strength.

johnnie ~ Thank you, and thanks for letting puffin know, I believe so strongly in the power of prayer and I appreciate y'all so much.

deb ~ girl, what can I say. You are a part of me and I you, it seems. Somehow we're like two women always on the same cycle. I love you.

8:38 AM  
Blogger kathi said...

mike ~ as long as you keep giving me great stuff to read, you keep a smile on my face. No pressure, lol. I'm just getting by on the 6 & 10 factor lately. :)

samuru999 ~ I am so thankful for you, for your poetry, and your kindness. Everywhere I read your comments, on my blog as well as others, you are one of the kindest people I've met. You're richly blessed.

8:41 AM  
Blogger Casually Me said...

There is always some darkness in our lives...but in your kids you already have not just a ray of sunshine but the whole freaking star right in your home. Love ya...

8:43 AM  
Blogger kathi said...

tom ~ tis true...and love you right back.

9:01 AM  
Blogger Anne said...

Oh Kathi...

You are just amazing. And your kiddo's are amazing.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. But you seem to be doing okay..well..maybe not okay..but way better than how one would think.

I am sad that you dont have family around..just know if you need anything to let me know..I am sort of in your hood!

Oh yeah..and if you sell my number make sure its to someone cute..

9:13 AM  
Blogger Anne said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

9:13 AM  
Blogger HuneeB said...

Kathi I often feel like I don't deserve you. :)

Hang in there, I will send good thoughts for a new job and my best wishes.

Lots of love

Hunb

9:34 AM  
Blogger Leesa said...

sweetie, I am so sorry for all of this. Not sure what to say.

9:49 AM  
Blogger kathi said...

anne ~ honey, I can't imagine anyone in the world cute or good enough for you, you are the best and I adore you. You have more strength, spunk and spirit than anyone I've ever known.

huneeb ~ I'm a hangin. :) Lot's of love right back at'cha! Thanks so much for spending any time whatsoever on me, I'm very blessed with y'al.

leesa ~ thanks, and I definitely know that feeling.

10:55 AM  
Blogger ~ Amanda X&O said...

Anne,


You are an amazing lady. You are so very strong, and a fantastic mother. I am sorry for what you're going through, but your post shows me that you will be just fine.

I'm so proud of the grace you are showing. It would be so easy for you to come on here and tell us all the dirty details, badmouthing the man that deserted you. Instead, you show the kindness we all know you have in your heart and take the high road. You and your family are in my thoughts.

11:10 AM  
Blogger ~ Amanda X&O said...

OMG!! I just called you Anne!


Anne ~ Did you cast a spell on me or what?

Sorry Kathi... lol

11:11 AM  
Blogger kathi said...

amanda ~ lmao!! Girl, thanks so much for that laugh!
And, thanks for the sweet words too. I appreciate you so much.

11:22 AM  
Blogger LoveLladro said...

Kathi... I just now caught up on your blog... oh what you can miss when you don't check regularly.

I am so sorry to hear all of this is happening. I can't even imagine what you must be going through.

Please know that I am praying for you.

11:25 AM  
Blogger Epsilonicus said...

You are handling this situation with such class. You are giving me strength to deal with my own. You are inspiring

11:43 AM  
Anonymous abicali said...

i think u should have less concern for marks "feelings"-he obviously had little for you and your sons. while its great to handle this in a certain way in front of your sons-you need to deal with this situation-find someone to really talk to -maybe a therpist? you have been hurt and betrayed by your life partner-nothing makes that ok-its good to be angry-its part of the healing process.

wishing you happiness and good times.

11:58 AM  
Blogger kathi said...

lovelladro ~ thanks darlin, it's prayers that get us through. :)

epsilonicus ~ guy, you changed your picture. Thanks so much for your kind words, I've been praying for your job too...we'll all be just fine, trust me. :)

abicali ~ thanks so much for holding up for me! Believe me when I say that I did have anger and I did voice it to my 2 friends, they're holding up for me too. But, I do believe anger and resentment are a poison that will only steal your joy and I won't give any place to that.

12:04 PM  
Blogger Keasty said...

Nothing much to say Kathi.... no.... still nothing. But I wanted to touch base. I've just had a bit of a read over last few posts. My heart goes out to you. I really had wanted to meet you when we were in Dallas, but that wasn't to be. Currently in Seattle and heading back to Canada.
I will lift you up to the Heavenly Comforter. Bless you at this time.

12:08 PM  
Blogger DaBich said...

kathi, what more can be added here. Your loyal readers have pretty much said it all. I'll continue to remember you and your boys in my prayers. Keep on hangin...HUGZ!

12:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey I'm here for you guys, you are part of my family. You've had such a strong heart and mind. Tell the boys if they need anything my parents and I are here for them, and you too Kathi, and you know that. You've taken care of me since I was little and I've taken care of they boys when they were little. In my heart you are part of my family, and when I heard Mark left it did break my heart, and I can just imagine you guys. I LOVE YA'LL FOREVER AND EVER! Stay in touch

XOXO
Abi

12:17 PM  
Blogger kathi said...

keasty ~ thanks for your thoughts and prayes. Please don't worry about us, I promise (because He has promised) that we will be fine.

dabich ~ Hugs back at'cha sugar! And I am hangin tight, thanks for the prayers.

12:20 PM  
Blogger ~Deb said...

I truly believe that your relationship with God is what's holding you together. Keep seeking Him Kath, and you'll never go wrong. Pray, pray pray... Things will fall into place. I know, easier said than done...but God will never fail you! We may be different in many aspects, but alike on many levels.

Keep your chin up! Look out for the boys....as you always do.

12:30 PM  
Blogger kathi said...

abi ~ I know this has to be a huge shock for you hon, and I'm so, so sorry. Some of my biggest joys in life is seeing how wonderful you and Nikki have turned out, I'm so proud of you both. I love you very much. If you're ever around with nothing to do, you might take Charlie to get a coke or something. He might like having you to talk to. Give me a call. LOVE YOU TOO.

12:31 PM  
Blogger kathi said...

deb ~ I trust Him. Pure and simple. And yeah, you and I are living parallel lives, it seems sometimes. Like minded hearts for sure.

12:37 PM  
Blogger Puffin said...

These are some really rough times youa re going through, but I do not believe that we would be given more than we can endure, especially those of us who are faithful.

2:22 PM  
Blogger kathi said...

puffin ~ I believe that too.

3:47 PM  
Blogger bbsgirl said...

YOu are an amazing woman Kathi.....I've been in a similar situation before with my ex a long time ago...I fell completely to pieces almost to the point I couldn't see any light before me. It's awesome that you keep your faith where it needs to be and that you stay together so well. I'll continue to lift you and your entire family up in prayer.

5:10 PM  
Blogger ell said...

you sound like a very strong person and i'm sure that will carry you through this difficult time. i'm so sorry for your pain. my thoughts are with you.

*hugs*

5:44 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

*huggs* you're inspiring. you really are. you never fail to go out and find a silver lining. i'm sure that you're hurting and sad too but i know you and those boys will be okay.

y'all are lucky to have each other!

6:41 PM  
Blogger kathi said...

bbsgirl ~ I think you're an amazingly strong woman, I always have. Your words mean a great deal to me, thank you.

ell ~ thank you, I appreciate it.

sass ~ we are, we really are. I'm so blessed to have these kids, I can't begin to tell yo how much they mean to me. Thanks sugar.

10:26 PM  
Blogger Kuan Gung said...

I am so very sorry for this situation and challenge thrust upon you and your children. However at the same time I admire your strength and courage in meeting head on this new change in your life. I can't help but hope and feel at the same time things will unfold in a very positive light. I wish you the very best in meeting these changes and constructing them into a formulative positive change in life. You have the makeup to do it...and the character to see it through. Much compassion to you and your family...

11:18 PM  
Blogger BigBill said...

WOW! I know I have been busy and not the most reliable blogger but man I turn your back for a minute and all hell breaks loose.
I only read this last post and will recap on the others. From what I have read on this post I believe you are handling this well. Like I said I don't know the full circumstances and chain of events that led to this but remember..."That which does not kill us makes us stronger". "Everything happens for a reason". I have believed in these sayings for years. My newest saying is "It is what it is" meaning you can't control everything. You can do your best to make suggestions or take actions in attempt to alter events but ultimately things will happen. Knowing this you can rest assured that you did all you could in your power to make things right. You can make it thru any scenerio that is sent your way. Your boys will help you they are strong and you have taught them well. They are your team now. My suggestion is to not allow yourself to break down in front of them or the team, OR if you do get it together in front of them and then apologize so they can see that it is ok to loose it but it's important to regain composer as quickly as possible... Anyhow hang in there and good luck. You seem like a wonderful person full of spirit and life. Don't loose that I will write to you soon...Peace

7:20 AM  
Anonymous phoenix9873 said...

I know you don't know me but I ran across your blog from Amanda's blog. I just thought I would drop you a line to say that you are soooo not alone in this thing. I pray for people in your situation everynight. Why you ask, been there, done that, still doing it. I, like yourself, was just hit out of the blue, no warning, nothing. So I know what you are going through and I can tell you it is not over for you by a long shot. Unfortuately, it takes months to get over the hurt, anger, and I am still confused. So I will add you to my personal prayer list and if you need an ear that knows what it's about leave me a hit on my blog. I can give you an insight on how to get through man trouble with the lord's help. I know I couldn't get through my life without him.

11:01 PM  
Blogger Shawn said...

you have been a very forthcoming person on your blog it seems. good move to keep quiet about a some things.


I'm sure you and the boys will be fine one day. I think it broke everyone's heart to hear such shocking news from you. You've painted such a beautiful picture of your family that its almost felt like watching the perfect tv show family and wanting to be apart of it.

You have my email address if you ever feel the need to scream and holler privately. I am an excellent listener.

8:12 AM  
Blogger Leesa said...

Wow, Kathi, I'm so behind. I don't even know what to say except you sound like you're dealing with all of this well. Take care :)

10:43 AM  
Blogger kathi said...

Thank you everyone for being so concerned and thoughtful for the boys and I. Means more than I can tell you. Thank you.

10:49 AM  
Blogger Wes said...

I leave for a few days and wow.

I know you're a strong woman but sheesh.... no one should go through that crap. Rock on, hun, rock on.

7:58 PM  
Blogger Michelle said...

Kathi,

I have been without internet access for the past couple of weeks and was shocked when I just checked in and read your news. What a horrible ordeal that you are going through and are handling with such grace and dignity. I have no profound words of wisdom to offer you, but I do have my prayers to send. May God bless you and your boys during this difficult time.

Michelle

8:10 PM  
Blogger kathi said...

wes ~ yeah...how dare you leave me alone to deal with this, lol. :) It's okay darlin. Takes more than this to break me.

michelle ~ Shocked is a fair and accurate word for us too. Thanks for your kind words. Praying for the both of you, too.

9:27 PM  
Blogger Everything Nice said...

Cathy I feel like a total ass for coming into this a week later and seeing that your world is kinda deteriorating here!

All I can offer to you is big hugs and anything if you should ever need it from this direction :)

Big warm hugs :)

10:23 AM  
Blogger Nikki Jo said...

I'm so sorry to hear about this Kathi. You know that I am here for you whenever you need. Like Abi said, you've always been there for me and been a part of my life, even when we lost contact for some time. I have always looked up to you and respected your opinions and advice. I know you will be strong for yourself and the boys. If you need anything, you have my number. I love you guys so much!

12:44 PM  

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