...And There You Have It

I want to thank all of you for your kindness and concern for the boys and myself. I am simply overwhelmed at the emails along with phone numbers, and I promise that I'll only sell them to the highest paying solicitors. ;) Hey, I am a single mother of two now, and growing boys gotta eat. Yeah, I know you know I'm kidding. And, that is something else many of you are asking me, if I'm really as strong as I sound or if I'm hiding my feelings (which I know is not a healthy thing to do, but thanks for telling me anyway, because I know y'all care). But you must keep in mind that my boys do occasionally read this dribble of mine and I'd never let them hear (or read) anything bad about their dad...and Mark may read it as well, and I don't want to hurt him.

Of course I have feelings that want to come out in the form of screaming, breaking things, and tears. I haven't done any screaming, only broke one thing and it was something of mine, figures...and the tears, well, the tears were heavy but they're gone now.

Nearly everyone asks if I saw this coming, even if it was unconsciously. No, I really didn't. I've always said that Mark was one of the nicest men I've ever met, and except for his recent actions, that will always remain true. We have developed, over the last few years, different interests and hobbies. We've been married 22 years this October, so I figured that happens. I suppose I was wrong. I'll admit that I've been lonely for a very long time in the way of romance. However, I also figured that after 22 years, still being best friends with your spouse, with benefits, was what long term marriages probably turned into. Again, I suppose I was wrong. I love Mark, and I have no doubt that he loves the boys and me. But it's the "in love" that is missing.

Over the last several years, Mark has indulged in a behavior that I'll not go into right now. We all deserve our privacy, and Mark is no exception. This behavior has been a source of conflict between he and I. I always hoped he would eventually get a handle on it, and that has been my constant prayer. But, we all have the freedom of choice. You may not know this about me, but I'm rather outspoken, and I do have a tendency to say what is on my mind. Oh, you did suspect? Well, I don't suppose I keep it a secret. :) Mark did not appreciate this when it was concerning his behavior. I understand that. That is his right, but it's not in me to refrain from speaking my mind when I'm highly concerned over something that is affecting my family. This, I believe, was the straw that broke the proverbial camels back. Do I regret anything? Absolutely not. I will fight to protect, not only the physical but spiritual, health of my children.

Though I'm deeply disappointed in the way Mark left, and the damage he has done to our children, I am not disappointed that he is gone. It has actually been...I don't know how to say it, perhaps more peaceful, more relaxing...since he left and I moved everything of his out into the guest room. The boys and I have drawn much closer, and they are very protective of me, which sometimes makes me cry. They've become the 'man' of the house and they're taking that responsibility very seriously. I've assured them many times that their father will not abandon us financially, as that is what he's told me over the phone, but, and their point is valid given the manner in which he left, they are afraid to trust him. Charlie keeps asking if I'll be able to buy him some shorts for school, because a lot of his are getting too small. That breaks my heart that they are worrying over things like that. They are trying very hard to find jobs, as am I. I'll no longer be able to sub, which I have always loved, but I'll need to find something full time with benefits which subbing does not provide. No, I'm not teacher certified, so teaching full time is not an option.

Last Thursdays post 'Part Of Life' must have been a sort of prophesy, and going back to read it several times has given me strength. Each of you have given me strength...and hope, and I can't tell you how much I've needed it and appreciated it. I don't have any parents or family of my own, only Marks. Which, have been so supportive and loving, I am very blessed to have them. I only have 2 friends, one here and one in Ohio (Katy), and they are hurting for me so much it breaks my heart that I've done this to them. What I'm trying to say is thank you, all of you, for caring so much about me. I don't know why I deserve you, but I thank God for you.