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MY LIFE AS I LIVE IT

I'm a single mom with two great kids living near Dallas, Texas. This is my life; day to day things that are probably only important to me. This is my record of my ups, my downs and the road that I've taken along the way. For whatever reason YOU'RE here, I hope you find something you can enjoy and/or relate to. God bless.

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Location: Dallas, Texas, United States

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

It's All Good

Too many times, as I'd lay sleeping, my mom would wake me up begging me to come with her. She always wanted to leave my dad, but she wouldn't leave without me. My sister would always say she would go...but I'd refuse with every ounce of my little body.

We lived on a 'non-working' farm and we always had lot's of animals. There weren't many neighbors, we grew up mostly by ourselves. But, I felt more comfortable around animals than I did people anyway. They never cried, they never yelled at me and they never beat me.

My dad basically lived at the airport he managed and ran. We'd get off the school bus when it would stop near there and walk to see him sometimes. Not often. It was a small town airport and the gang of my dads friends that hung out there didn't really want or need a couple of little kids hanging around them. My dad did take us on breakfast flights sometimes. Those are good memories for me. He and his friends would each take their own plane and we'd all fly to somewhere in Indiana for breakfast on Sundays. Those were special times when he'd take my sister and I. My dad was an instructor, so one of his planes had the dual steering in it and sometimes he'd let me think I was flying the plane.

Once in a hangar we found some baby rabbits that had been abandoned (chances are good that their mother had been killed by dogs) and they were covered in sores and full of maggots. My dad put them in a box and we took them home. I remember my dad showing me how to use tweezers to pull the maggots out and clean the wounds, and I did. One actually survived

Somehow we ended up with 2 or 3 raccoons, each at different times, for pets. We named each one of them Jake. They were like little people, eating with their hands and wanting affection. Sometimes we'd keep them locked in the bathroom so they couldn't roam the house....they'd tear that room up!

We were a lot like the old Ma & Pa Kettle movies. Open doors with animals running in and out. Since we lived out in the country where people would bring their animals and drop them off...they'd always find their way to our home and we'd take them in. The ones dropped off, the ones no one else wanted or had time to care for anymore, we'd take. Our doors were open, and we'd love them. Dogs, cats, birds, raccoons, rabbits, chickens (my mom worked at a hatchery once, and couldn't stand to throw out the eggs with chicks in them, so she'd bring them home...and yup...pets. We had a chicken house and pen...it was a 'farm').

We had a horse named Duke that only wanted to take me as far as the nearest creek and throw me in. No matter how many times we tried to train that horse, the trainer would quit and I'd end up in the creek. I loved that horse. Dad ended up selling it.

These are all good memories.

So, when my mom would wake me up in the middle of the night, begging me to say I'd leave with her and my sister to live in a house or an apartment in town, I'd always say no. My family (my pets) were there. My memories, which as a kid were my life, were there.

I know it wasn't right for her to put me in that position, but my mom wasn't well. I'm guessing that the reason she'd usually do this to me at night was because that was when she was most lonely, out in the country all by herself and two little girls. No friends, no family...no one but two little girls who didn't understand her pain, her suffering, her inflictions or her addictions.
My mom told me all my life that her pain was my fault because I wouldn't leave my dad and she wouldn't leave me. It wasn't my dad I wouldn't leave, it was my home, and the animals that were my only example of unconditional love.

Often I wonder what would have happened if I'd said "yes, I'll go with you Mom". I don't think she'd actually have left. I think I was her scapegoat. But I still wake up sometimes hearing her ask me if I'll go with her. Maybe someday I'll say yes.

36 Comments:

Blogger Wes said...

Sometimes you're just a lil' powerhouse aren't ya Kath? :) Good stuff.


And completely off topic, I'm rooting for Texas tonight.... :)

10:10 PM  
Blogger KyuBall said...

It's amazing what we remember from our childhood that makes us wonder what our parents were thinking.

I sometimes think about what my son is going to come up with when he's an adult.

Hopefully, it'll only be: "My dad once stuck a peice of carrot in his nose and shot it across the room."

10:16 PM  
Blogger kathi said...

wes ~ but of course you're rooting for TX tonight babe, was there ever any question? Hugs!

kyuball ~ where have you been? I've missed you! I think it sounds like your son is gonna have a lot of good stories to tell, just based on the you told about the carrot.

10:25 PM  
Blogger Hasan Mubarak said...

It was so touching!!

I always longed to pet a cat but never knew if I would ever be able to take good care of her...

2:50 AM  
Blogger BigBill said...

That must have been very lonely for your mom..
Everyone needs someone to be there with and it sounds like she was all by herself when you kids where off at school and your Dad was at the airport.. She shouldn't have put you in that possition though but she meant no harm she was in a bad way. Being lonely is so ...uhm lonely.
Look at the strong beautiful woman you are today. It takes a strong perseptive eye to be able to analize your past and be truthful with the sins of parents. We want to keep the thought of them we have strong and nice. When actually they where people and human just like us. We just were not subject to the horrifying stories of there antics when we were young. I actually found it a relief when I heard disturbing stories of my relatives past...for so long they had been put on a pedestal in my mind and I could never live up to their unblemished lives.....It was really frustrating, until I would overhear my mother and Nana talking and realized people are people everywhere and for as long as time has gone on the same problems have manifested themselves just in different ways in different era's.
Good story.
"Did you tend them rabbits lennie?"
What book Teacher?

4:11 AM  
Blogger kathi said...

hasan ~ thank you vey much...it's almost as if you and bigbill have a theme going, though I don't think it's intentional.

bigbill ~ I'll take Of Mice and Men for a hundred, Alex.
Yeah, my mom sure had her demons. As a kid, most of us are unable to see what a parent is struggling with. I see it now.

6:07 AM  
Blogger Shawn said...

That horse sounds crazy...lol

7:50 AM  
Blogger kathi said...

shawn ~ hey! Duke just had spunk, that's all. :)

7:58 AM  
Blogger HizzleThizzle said...

You are always so truthful with your life Kathi that it humbles me. I tend to only show the funny moments as some of the painful ones are too hard to share.

I cant imagine being a country girl. My dad wanted to move us to the country once. We all boycotted. I love you girl.

8:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sometimes i wonder if i relived your life. Life does go on, and only you can change your future. Look how you turned out. You love your family and friends very much, and as much as they love you, what else can go wrong? Life can sometimes be miserable, but just look at the bright side, whats around you. Happiness :)

xoxo
Abi

8:59 AM  
Blogger kathi said...

hizzle ~ I want to know one thing...when did you order your photoshop?? LOL, seriously, I wanna know. And darlin, my life shouldn't humble anybody. Trust me.

abi ~ I don't think so, hon...you've turned out MUCH better than I had at your age. Oh, and Terri said 'thank you' for remembering her birthday. You can't believe how much it meant to her. Her daughter didn't.

9:12 AM  
Blogger ~Deb said...

This was an amazing post. Thank you for sharing your life on here. It really shows that everything does happen for a reason. I totally believe that if you picked up and left with your mom one of those evenings---your life wouldn’t have been the same ‘today’. It wasn’t your fault. That was your home. Any kid who was happy in their home—who had “love” in their home----will not leave their home. It’s normal and natural. I hope that you’re not still thinking the blame was on you…because it’s not in my opinion.

You even brought back memories for me. My mother had these raccoons that would come up to the patio. One of them finally approached my mother, and my mom fed it. Then the raccoon brought her whole family along with her. They all sat on the patio staring at my mother. Then the one that she fed, went up to my mother, as it held another raccoon’s hand to let them know, “Hey, she’s nice, she won’t hurt you.” After that, our home was filled with raccoons and other animals that came along. Even a woodchuck used to let my mother pet him and hold him. This lady could go up to a deer and it wouldn’t budge. Some people just have that talent.

We also had a horse. Her name was Tootsie. They said she was only four years old…and come to find out she was more like 18 or something (I forget but we got ripped off somehow) ha… We had a corral---sp? and the entire place was full of hay and crap. She used to escape and run off into the fields all the time, and we had to get somebody with one of those horse carts to retrieve her again.

I think we lived the same life here Kath---as far as ‘country living’ goes.

Anyway---just wanted to say thank you for sharing 'you' with us....and I love love love you!!!

9:26 AM  
Blogger ~Deb said...

Oh and by the way- when my mother attempts to pick up a strange animal these days---I totally yell at her!

"You'll get rabies you nutcase!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Not the same as it was yesterday..... (isn't that a song?)

I need sleep. Ugh.

9:29 AM  
Blogger kathi said...

I love your mom! What an image of that racoon bringing it's family and I can just picture it taking another's hand to say 's'okay...she's cool'.
Mark and I had gone camping one weekend before the boys were born and a deer came up to me as I sit on a rock. He has a picture of me feeding it. The thing was, it had a whole you could see through in it's back leg, like it'd been shot clean through and just healed. We named him John Deer. Thanks for the memory...Good times.

9:46 AM  
Blogger Nikki Jo said...

You are so strong and wonderful Kathi! I just love you so much. Thank you for sharing these sometimes painful memories with us.

9:49 AM  
Blogger kathi said...

nikki ~ You know I love you too. We all have some pain in our past, it's just not painful to me anymore. I guess that's why I can talk about it. I understand it now, where I didn't when I was a kid.
Have you posted? If not, get busy girl, you need to. :)

10:01 AM  
Blogger HizzleThizzle said...

I ordered it on 12/30. Its still not here dammit!

2:13 PM  
Blogger Anonymous Shannon said...

Gosh, Kathy. That was really unfair of your mom to pull. I can't believe she tried to blame her unhappiness on you. I'm so sorry to hear about that. However, from your blog, I believe that you are a wonderful person despite the adversity you suffered as a child.

BTW. I love animals too! I have a mutt from the animal shelter, a three legged dog (long story. we adopted her after she became three legged) and we had hand fed a quaker parrot. I always had a dog as a child. Animals are awesome!

2:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

her own daughter didnt remember? tell terri sorry, and i hope she enjoyed her bday. Ive just had people like you in my life to keep me strong, and to keep head up. Thats all you can really do. LOVE YA BUNCHES!!

XOXO to the family also.
abi

3:41 PM  
Blogger ~Deb said...

I live in NY- and you live in TX- and we're living almost the same life---petting deer, raccoons on the yard, woodchucks and horses......... Makes you wonder where I REALLY live.


Hmmm... Come down the road for some coffee Kath! ;)

xxoo

4:40 PM  
Blogger Casually Me said...

There is a reason for matricide. Tough spot that your mom put you in, but we tend to forget that sometimes adults are not grown up at all, they age but not mature.

6:08 PM  
Blogger kathi said...

hizzle ~ got mine today. :)

shannon ~ thanks for your sweet words. But, my mom was emotionally ill. And I do love animal lovers, knew you were a good person!

deb ~ on my way.

casually me ~ exactly

6:46 PM  
Blogger Casually Me said...

You inspired me..so I blogged about my mother...but it's not nearly as coherent or as well written as yours....

7:24 PM  
Blogger Nabeel said...

you're dad ran a whole airport???
you said, your pets were there .. your memories were there .. let me ask you this .. if your mom and sister would have left, what would you say then? Would you say .. my mom is there and my sister is there so I gotta be there too?

9:22 PM  
Blogger kathi said...

casually me ~ read it, loved it.

nabeel ~ yeah, but it was a small town's airport, maybe 20 planes. I wrote a post earlier about my mom, read that babe, and then ask me again. :)

10:24 PM  
Blogger Nabeel said...

Photoshop Elements 4.0 is pretty good .. how advanced are you in using that? I can send you some plugins for it .. well they deal with curves .. helpful if you use curves for color manipulation.

Hmmmm @ post about your mom .. well I read it .. but .. well what can I say .. first of all .. I'm sad that your mom was a troubled person .. and I'm glad that u loved her with all your heart. But see .. i've talked about this before (discussed among friends) .. this is a common case in the west .. common sad case I guess. The culture I come from .. parents are respected .. children are brought up in a good way .. many are poor there too .. but still noone ever loose the concept of respect for elders .. and ofcourse respect is earned not just given .. parents love their children .. they beat 'em but for the good of it .. and .. well nahh i'm gonna stop .. this is getting too complex .. it's difficult to write and depict the true meaning of my thoughts about this .. will explain it to you in detail some other time ..

I grew up in England and Australia .. and hence the accent :) sorry the question went unanswered ..

the pictures I'm taking is from my Fujifilm Z1 camera .. i have another camera Konica Minolta .. i use that too from time to time .. the Z1 is easier to carry (slips in the pocket) .. Minolta I take to weddings and other occassions.

Hey since you're from texas .. do you watch "King of the Hill" ?

10:56 PM  
Blogger DZER said...

that was one powerful and evocative post, darlin' ...

... don't be going nowhere with no one any time soon ...

(especially deb!)

heh

3:35 AM  
Blogger Wenchy said...

You know, between you & Tom's post.... I really am very contemplative now.

Thank you for writing this.

7:57 AM  
Blogger HizzleThizzle said...

Im just sayin' my photoshop did not come in yesterday. Im jealous

9:53 AM  
Blogger kathi said...

Nabeel ~ please do all you can for me. I've never watched 'King of the Hill', I'm more into stuff like 'Boston Legal' and 'House', 'DaVinci's Inquest'...that sorta stuff.

hizzle ~ it didn't come with a manual and I'm goin nuts here.

dzer ~ you're just kissin up cause I won't let you bite my butt.

Wenchy ~ Doesn't compare to your stuff, hon. But thanks.

12:17 PM  
Blogger HizzleThizzle said...

It came today! Yay! Use the tutorial. Thats what Im doing today.

1:06 PM  
Blogger ~Deb said...

WE NOW INTERUPT THIS PROGRAM WITH SOME REALLY BAD POETRY…

Oh Kathi, come out and play
Come on over in your sleigh
Never listen to what Dzer says
He’s just mad cause I’m a lez
Although his ass is quite appealing
It was webcam phone sex- I have this feeling
We don’t need real time play
Just come on over and spend the day
I’ll cook some possum-throw em on the grill
We’ll have some rabbit and have our fill
We’ll sip on moonshine till after dark
Just make sure you hide it all from Mark
You brush my hair, and I’ll brush yours
Maybe we’ll even exchange our draws
I’ll run around with your undies on my head
And you were gonna listen to what Dzer said?
So come on over, and let’s have fun
My trailer weighs about a ton
We’ll laugh all night and scare the squirrels
We’ll dance all night and do some twirls
I think you get my point by now
Maybe even tip a cow
Whatever you want, the choice is yours
Just make sure you wear clean draws!

Heeee hawwww!

WE NOW BRING YOU TO YOUR REGULAR SCHEDULED PROGRAM…

1:21 PM  
Blogger kathi said...

hizzle ~ so far, I'm hating it.

deb ~ You are the best, too funny. Okay, clean drawers, huh...give me a few hours, I'll find a pair somewhere.

4:39 PM  
Blogger Grace said...

You have such a kind heart Kathi... you're incredible. I deeply admire and respect people who care for wounded or abandonded animals. You're great!

9:51 PM  
Blogger wmy said...

loved your post!! You seem like you have a very big heart...Its a raw deal when your parent makes you feel guilty for something you, as a child, have no real control over...I hope you have a great New Year!

1:06 AM  
Blogger Greg - Cowboy in the Jungle said...

It's post like this that make me refer to you as "deep and soulful"

5:51 PM  

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