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MY LIFE AS I LIVE IT

I'm a single mom with two great kids living near Dallas, Texas. This is my life; day to day things that are probably only important to me. This is my record of my ups, my downs and the road that I've taken along the way. For whatever reason YOU'RE here, I hope you find something you can enjoy and/or relate to. God bless.

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Location: Dallas, Texas, United States

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Ruts

Sometimes people get in ruts, may be a comfortable rut, but a rut all the same. Sad. Sometimes it takes getting tossed out on your butt from that rut to find out exactly what you're made of.

I remember when I was married to my first husband. We both knew that we were in a rut of drugs and alcohol...but it was a comfortable rut. It's all we'd both ever known. It took a few years for me to realize that it was a dangerous route we were on, but once I knew it, I really knew it. Unfortunately, we didn't come to this realization at the same time and all he could ask was why I'd changed, he'd thought we were happy the way we were. We were, till I wasn't. Fear kept me in that marriage longer than I should have stayed, and longer than was fair for my husband. But, I'm made of pretty strong stuff and once I set my mind to something, it's all but a done deal. Marriage to divorce, it was about 5 years. When I set out on my own, it was frightening, until it wasn't...until I remembered that I was good on my own. Uncertainties? Sure. Adventures, unlimited possibilities? Absolutely. At that time, I began working two jobs that I loved, found myself moving to Texas from Indiana all by myself (with 2 cats and a dog tagging along) and found myself another job I loved, with a great husband and two amazing kids to follow.

There is that saying that we have to go through the valley to get to the mountain, and the only way to get there is to just keep walking. That's what we're doing, the boys and I, we're walking. Life seems to change a little bit every day. I've found that some friends are actually better friends than I'd ever imagined, and I've found that some are not. I've found that some family loves me more than I'd realized, and I've found that some can not actually walk the talk they've been talking for years.

I've learned many things about myself over the last couple of weeks. Mostly, that I like the person that I've become reacquainted with and that I hope I never lose her again. Ruts should come with those big yellow road signs that say 'Warning...Possible Life Ruts Ahead', but they don't. By the time you're in one, you're comfortable. There are warning signs, however, such as boredom, loneliness, lack of motivation... The trick is to recognize them without accepting them.


*Thanks for all the emails and phone calls. I'm sorry for being gone for so long, it was selfish of me and I apologize. I know y'all care. I appreciate y'all very much.

35 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ruts....lol...I know what you mean, I was in the same shoes when I was 15 yrs old. But I learned to keep my head up and make the correct, right desicion in life. Take care, love you all..

xoxo
Abi

1:13 PM  
Anonymous 3carnations said...

Welcome back...But I don't think you need to apologize. We are all entitled to time off. While it's nice that we all have so many "friends" here, I think we have to all appreciate that sometimes we might need a break...or simply don't have anything to say, or can't figure out how to say it. Take breaks when you need them...

1:13 PM  
Blogger Leesa said...

So true, Kathi..great post :)

2:40 PM  
Blogger kathi said...

abi ~ you've turned into a woman that I and your mom are very proud of. Love you too, hon.

3 carnations ~ thanks, and tis true. :)

leesa ~ thank you, big hug!

2:48 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

it's funny, i find that times of adversity really teach you who yuo can count on. and who you can't.

always i find my friend circle pruned and myself happier for it... though i miss a few of the folks who turned out not to be friends.

what's harder is when it's family... you have to love them anyway and keep trying to trust them all the while knowing they don't really have your back. least in my case my parents are trying to make up for it ... my sister has no idea she has anything to make up for. but then she might say that of me as well... so we are all trying to move on and rebuild that old trust but it's hard.

2:57 PM  
Anonymous phoenix9873 said...

I know all about ruts, was in one for years apparently. Now I am not, and I learned that I am ok by myself. Pretty cool. I tell people they need a little shake up every now and then but I don't recommend a cheating husband for it, like what happened to me. I am happier now than I have ever been, even now that I am standing for my husband to get a clue, I am really happy. Your right, a warning sign would be nice for a lot of things, ruts, cheating husbands, the dogs going eat something weird and then come throw it back up for you, you know those kind of signs would be really nice to have. lol Also no need to apologize for being gone, as long as you are alright and taking good care of yourself, I know I can wait for an update. Godspeed phoenix9873

7:19 PM  
Blogger Kuan Gung said...

You're definitely a strong person with an incredible will...I congratulate you on these fine quilities...

7:53 PM  
Blogger kathi said...

sass ~ exactly! Fortunately, the people who hold you up make it easier to get through the hurt from those who turn their backs on you.

phoenix ~ yup, warning signs would be nice. I can't help but wonder if there were some and I just blinded myself to them. Doesn't matter now, though, does it? Gotta focus on tomorrow. Thanks for caring.

kuan gung ~ wow, I appreciate the kind words. Don't know if I deserve them, but surely do appreciate them. Thank you.

10:07 PM  
Blogger Mike said...

It's nice to see a post from you...even a goofball like me was hoping everything was going ok for you.

10:15 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

I just love how you manage to put your thoughts into words!

*happy sigh*

:-)

10:15 PM  
Blogger Heart Of Darkness said...

Honey, take your time! But it is great to have you back.

Ruts suck. I'm in a daily rut - to work, at work, home from work - and it's getting to me.Days start to blend together. And, to steal from Lucy Eleanor Moderatz (that's the main character in "While you were sleeping"): Everyday I go and sit in a booth, like a veal!'
It's not a booth, it's an office. But still.

2:40 AM  
Blogger kathi said...

mike ~ I call you goofball out of deep affection. Thanks for caring.

lisa ~ my sweet curious friend...thank you. ;) Hope you liked my Christmas present. ;)

heart ~ new profile pic? It's cute, but you're so gorgeous, kinda miss that angel face of yours. Yup, ruts...they serve a purpose though, trust me.
Big hug, cute stuff.

5:27 AM  
Blogger DaBich said...

Ahhh...did this ever strike a chord! I was married for 21 years, and we were stuck in a huge rut. We went in opposite directions as well. Then there were the double standards, but that's another story.
I found myself, and liked the person that I was, after I left. Yes, *I* left. It was hard, nearly killed me, but I wanted to leave my girls with the stable home they were in with their father. I was only 20 minutes away but it was still quite an adjustment for a 14 year and a 17 year old. Thankfully, it's all been working out. Keep your chin up, enjoy the person you are and continue to grow with God's grace and love. Your boys will be fine. It will all work out ok, you'll see :)

7:32 AM  
Blogger Johnnie Avocado said...

Kathi-this entry really meant alot to me....I can really relate to your feelings, but mine is with my job/career. I'm in a rut, and I have to have faith and keep walking. I've been too comfortable in my RUT for way to long.

7:57 AM  
Blogger Heart Of Darkness said...

I have an angel face? Oh, you are SO SWEET!
I don't know, I hate the way I look on pics... always had... (but now I have to reevaluate that!!!!) :)

9:19 AM  
Blogger Heart Of Darkness said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

9:19 AM  
Blogger ~ Amanda X&O said...

Unlike you, I didn't see your marriage as being in a rut. But I wasn't there.

I would say that by taking the attitude that you have about the separation, you have avoided a rut. You are showing the world just how tough you and your children are by perservering. I'm so proud of you.

9:29 AM  
Blogger The Real Kidd said...

I am so very happy to hear from you again girl. But please don't apologize. We all need time away and what you did was not wrong. Hell you have a lot going on right now. ((hug)) This is a very good post and I love the way you put your thoughts and feelings down on paper. you know what I mean. *grin*

10:26 AM  
Blogger kathi said...

dabich ~ I have no doubt that it'll all work out and we'll be great. Thanks for your support and for sharing your story with me.

johnnie ~ I know from your last few entries that you feel this way about your job. We've got this in common, welcome aboard. :) But hey, you wait and see, good things are ahead!

amanda ~ I was too comfortable to see it too, but that's where the big yellow road signs would have came in handy...the boredom, loneliness...and all that, if I'd just known that's what they were. But, I didn't, I was just too comfy in my 'rut'. A comfy rut, but a rut all the same. Thanks so much for your kind words.

11:05 AM  
Blogger HuneeB said...

You have no reason to apologize!

Lots of Love

Hunne

12:14 PM  
Blogger ell said...

hope you're hanging in there ok, kathi.

2:31 PM  
Blogger Nikki Jo said...

You are such a strong woman Kathi...a strong, solid rock of a woman. I appreciate all you have done for me in my lifetime. I know you can accomplish anything you set your mind to and won't stop till you do. There is no rut too big for you to bring yourself out of. I admire your strength and I love you for who you are.

2:48 PM  
Blogger Puffin said...

It's a funny thing about being a rut. As humans being in a rut has a bad connotation that goes with it. Once we get into a Rut it seems like they last forever. But if you were a deer…being in a rut isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

Like a deer….the end of the rut is , well for lack of a better term, orgasmic!

LOL

3:08 PM  
Blogger kathi said...

huneeb ~ lots of love back at'cha. ;)

elle ~ doing the best I can, and that's pretty good. :)

nikki ~ can't tell you what that meant to me, more emotions than words. Thank you, Nikki. Love you too, darlin.

puffin ~ all I got from that was "orgasmic"...what were you trying to say? LOL

8:59 PM  
Blogger LoveLladro said...

I love your attitude kathi. makes me want to strive for the same when faced with adversity... you are a strong woman.

much love and as always, many prayers ~

9:02 PM  
Blogger DZER said...

ruts suck.

*hugs ya*

4:43 AM  
Blogger Random Musings Of My Life said...

WEEHOO
So glad you are back.
And well written. I think we have all been there, somewhere, anywhere but here.
You are a stong women Kathi and I admire that about you.

11:27 AM  
Blogger Rose said...

I really enjoyed reading your post today. I think we all get in ruts but the key is to know when to get out of it. Life comes with so many possibilities and so many lessons but it is with those lessons that we learn who we are. Your post sounds like a woman full od strength.

1:54 PM  
Blogger The Lone Beader said...

I know exactly what you must have gone through. I recently left a guy I was with for 9 years, and now I have a new life, and love every minute of it.... Life is what you make of it.

4:34 PM  
Blogger Anne said...

Where is my comment????

I left one..I swear...why does Blogger hate me and steal my comments? Grrr...

Well I am sure that it said many many clever and supportive things. Im just going to paraphrase it though.

I love you Kathi and I loved this post. Ruts suck and you have made me realize that I am in one...thank you Kathi..

6:18 PM  
Blogger Wes said...

Take yur time, but I still miss ya :)

8:27 PM  
Blogger :phil: said...

Ruts happen for sure. I know what you mean about some people being better friends than you thought and others not being them. No need for appologies Kathi, take all of the time you need...

11:56 PM  
Blogger Kellie said...

I think we all know what it's like to be in a rut. When it becomes dangerous it sometimes the hardest kind to get out of. And expecially relationships.

I know I was in a relationship once where it was very obvious we needed to break apart. But... ruts are hard to break.

Kudos to you for breaking yours and evolving from the experience.

7:25 AM  
Blogger blkbutterfly said...

you know, every time i come to your blog (be it this one or the Spiritual one), i always read something that i can relate to very well. and this one about ruts sure speaks to me right now.
as for you, i'm glad to know that you all are doing fine. i know ppl say this all the time, but y'all were def. in my prayers.

4:59 PM  
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