Learning to trust
I have revisited this place in my mind and in my heart many times over the years. It brings me peace and calms my soul when I, at times, feel under attack from a world that holds me in such little regard, where I am often but an unknown casualty in the greater scheme of things. And yet, I am blessed because I have this place to retreat to.
When I find myself in my 'safe place', I feel that I am in the palm of God's hands. I can clearly picture myself in this place, all being supported in the midst of His hands cupped together. This is where I am safe.
I've never considered there being anyone with me in my 'safe place'. As a child, our safe place should be with our parents. I know that I have been a safe place for my children while they were growing up and still, when they are hit with one of the world's hardballs, I'm the one they come to. However, I didn't have that growing up in my household. In my household, it was my parents that I needed a safe place from. I remember retreating to a small room in my mind where nothing could hurt me as I grew up. I retreated there many times and it is one of the few things I remember well. And...other times I ran. The first time I ran away my father found me on a country road leading to our house on his way home long after dark one night. I carried a Barbie doll case filled with clothes and toys that my mother had helped me pack when she told me to get out. I was four years old. Unfortunately, I kept that way of dealing with hurt...with pain, for many years of my life; I ran. Sometimes, of late, I've noticed that I still tend to run. Not pack and move anymore, but to stop and emotionally leave abruptly. To call it quits and attempt to remove it from my mind.
Today I heard a teaching on trust. Trust has never been my strong suit. I've trusted God, and God alone. But letting someone else into our life means allowing ourselves to trust, listening to that inner spirit that God has instilled with-in all of us to trust. Will that trust always be upheld? No, that would be impossible because man is not God and God alone is without fault. But trusting is a learning experience that we build on. Build relationships, build futures, build our very life on. Can I do that? I'd like to try, but right now, to be honest, it scares me greatly to think of trusting someone...anyone, with what goes on in my mind and in my heart. It's safer for me to retreat to the lake, with my feet skimming the water, and my soul at rest knowing that nothing, nothing can hurt me there.
Am I ready to trust someone else besides God? Am I willing to trust someone with the power to hurt me? I'm honestly not sure, but I may be ready to try. I pray, I pray a lot and fortunately God gives us unlimited minutes in prayer. Lately, when I pray, I've been hearing that word, 'trust' in my spirit. As is my stubborn nature, I've, in my own way, agreed that I will...future tense, start trusting. The lesson I heard this morning stressed to me that it is a now thing. It hit home with me because I've been receiving it in prayer and today was a confirmation as to what I'd been hearing in my spirit. Trust. My safe place, the lake and all it represents, is a nice place to visit...occasionally, but I can't live there anymore.
So, here I am, to me...naked. I will make a strong effort to trust whom my inner spirit leads me to trust. If I get hurt, you will share it with me. This, after nearly five years of knowing most of you, I do trust. And though I may tread lightly at first, I'll tread. I'll put my toes into the lake of the world and hope that the world is as welcoming as my safe place. If not, I trust that you will be.