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MY LIFE AS I LIVE IT

I'm a single mom with two great kids living near Dallas, Texas. This is my life; day to day things that are probably only important to me. This is my record of my ups, my downs and the road that I've taken along the way. For whatever reason YOU'RE here, I hope you find something you can enjoy and/or relate to. God bless.

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Location: Dallas, Texas, United States

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Learning to trust

The small lake was clear enough to where the fish could not hide themselves and the water welcomed my toes with it's coolness. The acreage around the lake lush and green and wildflowers marked their territory with colors indescribable. Trees surrounded this area as if they were protecting it from an outside world, an outside world that I, too, have needed protection from.

I have revisited this place in my mind and in my heart many times over the years. It brings me peace and calms my soul when I, at times, feel under attack from a world that holds me in such little regard, where I am often but an unknown casualty in the greater scheme of things. And yet, I am blessed because I have this place to retreat to.

When I find myself in my 'safe place', I feel that I am in the palm of God's hands. I can clearly picture myself in this place, all being supported in the midst of His hands cupped together. This is where I am safe.

I've never considered there being anyone with me in my 'safe place'. As a child, our safe place should be with our parents. I know that I have been a safe place for my children while they were growing up and still, when they are hit with one of the world's hardballs, I'm the one they come to. However, I didn't have that growing up in my household. In my household, it was my parents that I needed a safe place from. I remember retreating to a small room in my mind where nothing could hurt me as I grew up. I retreated there many times and it is one of the few things I remember well. And...other times I ran. The first time I ran away my father found me on a country road leading to our house on his way home long after dark one night. I carried a Barbie doll case filled with clothes and toys that my mother had helped me pack when she told me to get out. I was four years old. Unfortunately, I kept that way of dealing with hurt...with pain, for many years of my life; I ran. Sometimes, of late, I've noticed that I still tend to run. Not pack and move anymore, but to stop and emotionally leave abruptly. To call it quits and attempt to remove it from my mind.

Today I heard a teaching on trust. Trust has never been my strong suit. I've trusted God, and God alone. But letting someone else into our life means allowing ourselves to trust, listening to that inner spirit that God has instilled with-in all of us to trust. Will that trust always be upheld? No, that would be impossible because man is not God and God alone is without fault. But trusting is a learning experience that we build on. Build relationships, build futures, build our very life on. Can I do that? I'd like to try, but right now, to be honest, it scares me greatly to think of trusting someone...anyone, with what goes on in my mind and in my heart. It's safer for me to retreat to the lake, with my feet skimming the water, and my soul at rest knowing that nothing, nothing can hurt me there.

Am I ready to trust someone else besides God? Am I willing to trust someone with the power to hurt me? I'm honestly not sure, but I may be ready to try. I pray, I pray a lot and fortunately God gives us unlimited minutes in prayer. Lately, when I pray, I've been hearing that word, 'trust' in my spirit. As is my stubborn nature, I've, in my own way, agreed that I will...future tense, start trusting. The lesson I heard this morning stressed to me that it is a now thing. It hit home with me because I've been receiving it in prayer and today was a confirmation as to what I'd been hearing in my spirit. Trust. My safe place, the lake and all it represents, is a nice place to visit...occasionally, but I can't live there anymore.

So, here I am, to me...naked. I will make a strong effort to trust whom my inner spirit leads me to trust. If I get hurt, you will share it with me. This, after nearly five years of knowing most of you, I do trust. And though I may tread lightly at first, I'll tread. I'll put my toes into the lake of the world and hope that the world is as welcoming as my safe place. If not, I trust that you will be.

15 Comments:

Blogger Lynilu said...

Boy, what a powerful post.

I have to say that you have taken the first step in posting this. That's great. Just keep edging in that direction, and you'll get there.

You'll be hurt again, unfortunately, because we all are from time to time. Even the people who really love us hurt our trust at times. But if we aren't hurt, we aren't "in it," but just hanging on at the edge. In spite of knowing I will be hurt again, I'd rather take my chances at it than to wall myself off from life.

I understand it is more difficult for you. Our parents are supposed to be the ones that teach us trust, and you certainly got short changed on that. I'm impressed that you learned enough to give trust to your boys. So .... either someone else in your life was able to give you a little reason to trust, or you are one amazing lady. Maybe both!

Trusting is one of the challenges I've had in the last 4 years, too. It's been hard for me to trust, especially men, and while I was working on that a female friend did some things that were really hurtful. I felt really awful when one of the people I thought was my cushion turned out to my just the opposite. So it happens, and I/you learn to dust off and try again.

I'm glad you're stepping out in this way. Sure, I'll be here for you when the water is too cold. Did I give you my phone #s? I think so, but if not, I will. And you're welcome to use them.

Find happiness, Kathi.

8:56 PM  
Blogger kathi said...

Lynilu ~ first, thank you. Second, I know that you've gone through a lot of what I've gone through the last few years and that you are an example to me. Thanks for being there for me. Truly.

9:27 PM  
Blogger Michelle said...

Very powerful post Kathi, I needed to hear that myself today.

Hope that you and the boys are doing well!

6:37 AM  
Blogger LoveLladro said...

I for one am glad to see you back. I really missed/worried about you while you were gone. I will do my best to keep and cherish your trust... I can only imagine how hard it was to post this. hugs from me and my boy... we love you!

7:12 AM  
Blogger LoveLladro said...

Oh... and missing Grey's????!!!!???? I am so sorry to hear that... I know the pain of missing the season finale for such a great show. Even knowing the end, watching it will be good. They did a really great job with this show. I am Jessica and I am addicted to Grey's Anatomy.

12:15 PM  
Blogger 3carnations said...

Very nice post.

Your mother did that to a four year old? Oh, my. I'm so sorry.

Good luck with whomever you may find to trust.

2:55 PM  
Blogger kathi said...

Michelle ~ well, then, for that reason alone I'm glad I wrote it. And thanks, we are doing good. :)

lloveladro ~ thanks, I appreciate you very much.

3 c's ~ in all fairness, my mom was ill. But thanks.

5:01 PM  
Blogger Johnnie Avocado said...

Hey....you can trust me. When have I ever steered you wrong! Nice post......and obviously, I'm thankful for your friendship!

7:45 AM  
Blogger kathi said...

3 c's ~ my mom was an alcoholic, had an addiction as well. I don't hold her responsible anymore for what she did. When she passed in '91, she and I were very close. But, I appreciate how much you care for me.

johnnie ~ babe...this I know. :) And no, you haven't. Happy Anniversay, again. I someday hope to have the kind of relationship that you have with sweetie.

8:30 AM  
Blogger Just_because_today said...

I don't know you but maybe I know you. You are one kind amazing person.
You said it right, only God is without fault. You might get hurt again and then you'll get up and walk again and trust again.

9:48 AM  
Blogger kathi said...

jbt ~ yeah, you and I have been getting to know each other for several months now...what, about 7 or 8? Anyway, you know what a blessing you are, and have been, to me. I 'trust' that you are right. If I stumble, knowing me, I'll be back up in a heartbeat...even if it hurts.

12:30 PM  
Blogger Epsilonicus said...

I have learned that it is the people we love the most who often hurt us the most. That is because they are imperfect. No matter how much they love us, they fall short. And we do the same.

4:44 PM  
Blogger kathi said...

epsilonicus ~ I've known you for a long time, and you've always made me proud of you. I know you've been hurt...and that you've done the hurting, so I trust that you do know what you're talking about. Thanks for your words.

6:03 PM  
Blogger DaBich said...

I missed this post. You are such a special person to have overcome all this and still be the angel you are! HUGZ!

4:33 AM  
Blogger Believer said...

God will never fail you even though others will. And in that, we find solace and take refuge in His love and comfort. He is the father to the fatherless. He is closer than a brother.

I too have been hurt and disappointed with those I thought were friends. In that experience I learned so much, but most importantly was that God restored and brought others in my life that support and encourage me. I hope the same for you.

God bless you on this journey!

Recently I posted “Do It Anyway.” Check it out!

9:58 AM  

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