What's Next?
Sass wrote on her blog about the best in the men she'd had relationships with in her life. Some of it sounded so wonderful, that it nearly brought me to tears realizing what I've missed in my life.
Not to say that I've not known some wonderful men in my life, because I have. However, I believe that I didn't give many of them a chance because of the place I was in my life at the time I met them.
In high school and college I liked 'bad boys' and dated many of them. I had many 'guy friends' that were the kind, sweet and considerate sort, but I chose to be 'just friends' with them, and give my heart to the guys that wouldn't take the best of care of it. I remember telling many of my 'guy friends' that I couldn't like them in the way they wanted, but didn't want to lose their friendship. The 'bad boys' made for great excitement...but if they started to lose their 'bad boy' edge, I lost them, too...because that edge was what I wanted.
I was never the touchy ~ feely kind of person, and I was never really interested in romance. But, after reading Sass's blog, I realized what I've been lonely for as I've gotten older. I've noticed more and more over the years, people holding hands, putting their arms around each others waist, kissing out of love and not just foreplay, and I have found myself jealous...many times. I've never had that sort of romance, and I admit that it's completely my fault because of the choices I've made in men...because of the type of relationships I wanted when I was younger.
Now, that I'm older and finding myself starting over, I'm wondering what kind of man or what sort of relationship I'll want in my future. Relationship wise...my future is a blank canvas and I am finding myself excited about the possibilities. I am enjoying my 'oneness', seriously. I've always been a loner, so this isn't a surprise. The boys and I are probably having too much fun. I'll admit that, until a couple of years ago, Mark was like the adult in the house. A couple of years ago he got other hobbies and he wasn't really around the house that much. But now that he's completely out of the picture, our house is sort of like a really long slumber party. I have had to grow up quite a bit, as have the boys, but we've filled the house with lot's of love and laughter and there is a real comfort in our home.
Can I see someone else coming into our lives? No, not really. So, I'm not in any sort of hurry to date at all. I'm just really enjoying the state of things right now.
When I do think about dating, I'll admit, I do get excited at the idea. I don't want to think about all the negative things I hear about dating. When I'm ready, I'm believing that God will lead me through it. Will I want the romance that I've never had before? Right now, I'm thinking yes. I think I'd like someone holding my hand, putting their arm around the back of my chair, fingering my hair and kissing my shoulder just because they want to be near me, and not because they want to bed me.
Right now, I'm right where I'm suppose to be and I'm not only comfortable, but happy with it. My future? Only God knows. But since He's never let me down, I am really looking forward to it. One day at a time.
Not to say that I've not known some wonderful men in my life, because I have. However, I believe that I didn't give many of them a chance because of the place I was in my life at the time I met them.
In high school and college I liked 'bad boys' and dated many of them. I had many 'guy friends' that were the kind, sweet and considerate sort, but I chose to be 'just friends' with them, and give my heart to the guys that wouldn't take the best of care of it. I remember telling many of my 'guy friends' that I couldn't like them in the way they wanted, but didn't want to lose their friendship. The 'bad boys' made for great excitement...but if they started to lose their 'bad boy' edge, I lost them, too...because that edge was what I wanted.
I was never the touchy ~ feely kind of person, and I was never really interested in romance. But, after reading Sass's blog, I realized what I've been lonely for as I've gotten older. I've noticed more and more over the years, people holding hands, putting their arms around each others waist, kissing out of love and not just foreplay, and I have found myself jealous...many times. I've never had that sort of romance, and I admit that it's completely my fault because of the choices I've made in men...because of the type of relationships I wanted when I was younger.
Now, that I'm older and finding myself starting over, I'm wondering what kind of man or what sort of relationship I'll want in my future. Relationship wise...my future is a blank canvas and I am finding myself excited about the possibilities. I am enjoying my 'oneness', seriously. I've always been a loner, so this isn't a surprise. The boys and I are probably having too much fun. I'll admit that, until a couple of years ago, Mark was like the adult in the house. A couple of years ago he got other hobbies and he wasn't really around the house that much. But now that he's completely out of the picture, our house is sort of like a really long slumber party. I have had to grow up quite a bit, as have the boys, but we've filled the house with lot's of love and laughter and there is a real comfort in our home.
Can I see someone else coming into our lives? No, not really. So, I'm not in any sort of hurry to date at all. I'm just really enjoying the state of things right now.
When I do think about dating, I'll admit, I do get excited at the idea. I don't want to think about all the negative things I hear about dating. When I'm ready, I'm believing that God will lead me through it. Will I want the romance that I've never had before? Right now, I'm thinking yes. I think I'd like someone holding my hand, putting their arm around the back of my chair, fingering my hair and kissing my shoulder just because they want to be near me, and not because they want to bed me.
Right now, I'm right where I'm suppose to be and I'm not only comfortable, but happy with it. My future? Only God knows. But since He's never let me down, I am really looking forward to it. One day at a time.
posted by kathi | 9:26 PM
19 Comments:
Really good post. Let me tell you a fast story about my mom. See she and I are best friends. My dad died 13 years ago. My mother didnt date anyone for 5 years. She had a great job where she got to travel all the time and just really stayed busy.
One day she was in Phoneix at the airport coming back to Dallas. She was waiting on her plane and had to go to the rest room. There was a man sitting in the waiting area about her age and she asked him to watch her bag. He did and they sat on the plane together. Well to make it short a year later they got married and have been so happy ever since. You just never know when God will put someone like that in your life.
Kathi,
I think it is really great to approach this situation the way you are, in complete comtrol. Makes all of you decisions more clear. Good Luck.
Lord, Kathi, I see a lot of similarities in our past. (Not that I was quite the bad ass YOU were ;)
But, my ex was not a romantic, expressive sort at all.
With my hubby now, he always treats me like I'm his favorite person in the entire world. All the little things that mean so much...the holding hands...the touch on the back, the neck, the hair...the opened/closed doors, etc. AND I LIKE IT. I was always independent like you, still am...but I LOVE IT!
We were walking yesterday at the local college campus. An older couple went by, easily in their 70's...holding hands, and we looked at each other and smiled. I said,"That's us in 30 years." He said, "That's what I'm hoping."
I'm keeping this guy.
Yours will come along when you least expect it and when you're NOT looking for him :)
BIG HUGZ!
"...my future is a blank canvas and I am finding myself excited about the possibilities."
I LOVED that sentence. It holds true for many of us. If your canvas was all done--completed and no more room left for the beautiful art work that God has in store for you...life would be boring and less exciting.
I hope God finds you peace within your heart. You deserve to be romanced and loved and all the things you've mentioned in this post!
xxoo
Kathi I am so excited for you, I know that God will lead you in the direction that he wants you to be and yeah holding hands and that kiss on the sholder is the best!
*Hugs*
Oh Kathi..that was a great post. I just know that someting fabulous is coming your way. I can feel it. You deserve it. :)
And I think for most families this would be a super depressing time..a time that they would not want to remember. I think that it is so great that you and the boys are having such a great time. You are such a cool mom.
That being said..you should know that I am pouting because I didnt get an invite to the slumber party! :)
steve ~ thanks for the story. I visited your site and couldn't get the video to work for me...I really want to see it. I'll try again.
johnnie ~ welcome back! Glad you had a good vacation!
dabich ~ your story is just like that commercial...I love that commercial. And, I loved your story, thank you!
deb ~ you and I, hon...we're in it together. Love you!
huneeb ~ you're so sweet, thank you! I'm sure of it too.
anne ~ c'mon, girl. If I had you over here you know darned well that my boys wouldn't pay any attention to me at all! LOL, thanks for the sweet words, I do love you. I'd hope my kids feel a portion of what you say...I'd be happy with that. :)
You should print this blog and keep it in a place that where it will be noticed daily, like with your toothbrush or make up.
Set the tone of your new beginning exactly this way, and if something were to happen that is against it, let that something go.
You have a great plan for tomorrow Kathi, stick with it.
amanda ~ thank you, that's a great idea. You're such a sweetheart, thank you.
I love your optimism and hope ... *hugs*
I love when you say God has never let you dowm, and you are really looking forward to your future.
Beautiful!
You have a wonderful faith, and I am sure God has some great things
planned for you my dear!
The future has a lot of possibilities and there is no need to rush.
God will always bring us through it. :)
You need at least one more cat to complete yourself. Personally I would say three or four more, just to be safe.
damm
i'm sorry that i nearly brought you to tears babe, but not sorry at the same time.
but the key is that everyone has a list like that they're just different for everyone right?
or something
and you're right, something good is coming for you for sure.
I am new to your blog. I have never read your stuff. After reading, I think the consenus of all your readers is that you need another cat. I can buy one for you, and it won't even be sick.
Wish I could have a friend like you to talk things over with....you sound like you have it tgether or at least have "it" in your sights! I think I need someone to talk to who has some perspective on life regardless of what happens. Instead of being on top of things, I think I have given other people too much power in my life but don't know how to break this cycle. Glad you are doing well.
Wish I could have a friend like you to talk things over with....you sound like you have it tgether or at least have "it" in your sights! I think I need someone to talk to who has some perspective on life regardless of what happens. Instead of being on top of things, I think I have given other people too much power in my life but don't know how to break this cycle. Glad you are doing well.
Mary ~ if you need someone to talk things over with, please feel free to email me. I'm more than happy to listen if you'd like. Just because you've given anyone power in your life up until today doesn't mean you have to give them the power tomorrow. You break a cycle by saying 'no more' and meaning it. Big hug.
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