Not to say that I've not known some wonderful men in my life, because I have. However, I believe that I didn't give many of them a chance because of the place I was in my life at the time I met them.
In high school and college I liked 'bad boys' and dated many of them. I had many 'guy friends' that were the kind, sweet and considerate sort, but I chose to be 'just friends' with them, and give my heart to the guys that wouldn't take the best of care of it. I remember telling many of my 'guy friends' that I couldn't like them in the way they wanted, but didn't want to lose their friendship. The 'bad boys' made for great excitement...but if they started to lose their 'bad boy' edge, I lost them, too...because that edge was what I wanted.
I was never the touchy ~ feely kind of person, and I was never really interested in romance. But, after reading Sass's blog, I realized what I've been lonely for as I've gotten older. I've noticed more and more over the years, people holding hands, putting their arms around each others waist, kissing out of love and not just foreplay, and I have found myself jealous...many times. I've never had that sort of romance, and I admit that it's completely my fault because of the choices I've made in men...because of the type of relationships I wanted when I was younger.
Now, that I'm older and finding myself starting over, I'm wondering what kind of man or what sort of relationship I'll want in my future. Relationship wise...my future is a blank canvas and I am finding myself excited about the possibilities. I am enjoying my 'oneness', seriously. I've always been a loner, so this isn't a surprise. The boys and I are probably having too much fun. I'll admit that, until a couple of years ago, Mark was like the adult in the house. A couple of years ago he got other hobbies and he wasn't really around the house that much. But now that he's completely out of the picture, our house is sort of like a really long slumber party. I have had to grow up quite a bit, as have the boys, but we've filled the house with lot's of love and laughter and there is a real comfort in our home.
Can I see someone else coming into our lives? No, not really. So, I'm not in any sort of hurry to date at all. I'm just really enjoying the state of things right now.
When I do think about dating, I'll admit, I do get excited at the idea. I don't want to think about all the negative things I hear about dating. When I'm ready, I'm believing that God will lead me through it. Will I want the romance that I've never had before? Right now, I'm thinking yes. I think I'd like someone holding my hand, putting their arm around the back of my chair, fingering my hair and kissing my shoulder just because they want to be near me, and not because they want to bed me.
Right now, I'm right where I'm suppose to be and I'm not only comfortable, but happy with it. My future? Only God knows. But since He's never let me down, I am really looking forward to it. One day at a time.