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MY LIFE AS I LIVE IT

I'm a single mom with two great kids living near Dallas, Texas. This is my life; day to day things that are probably only important to me. This is my record of my ups, my downs and the road that I've taken along the way. For whatever reason YOU'RE here, I hope you find something you can enjoy and/or relate to. God bless.

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Location: Dallas, Texas, United States

Friday, November 04, 2005

Back It Up

I'm not easy to embarrass. Actually, I'm pretty much the only one that can embarrass me. Today, so far, has been a long line of embarrassing moments.

First appointment of the day was my yearly mammogram. Could it be any more uncomfortable or embarrassing? It truly is like a 30 minute torture chamber for women with us having to allow some stranger to manipulate our breasts without the benefit of a drink first or anything. While I'm being molded between metal and plastic, the sweet lady technician was telling me about the Christmas Craft Fair at the Catholic Church and the huge baked potatoes they're selling there.

Then they send me next door to have a bone density test. My first. A lot more comfortable than the mammogram, granted, but I didn't like it either. Why do people tell you to hold your breath and not move, then try to carry on a conversation with you? Plus, my nose itched.

Finally, I'm on my way to the craft fair and I had to pee so bad. I get to the church, and the parking lot of this huge church is packed out. I'm jumping up and down in my car (again...I really gotta pee), trying to hold it and looking for a parking space. Finally...I get one! As soon as I get in the church, I'm looking for a bathroom. Wow, huge church! Again...FINALLY, find a bathroom and there is only one person in line.

Okay, women are going to relate to this more, and I'd probably feel more comfortable with the men looking away about now. I get in my stall, I'm hurrying pulling my jeans down around my knees as I back up to the toilet, and as I squat, thinking I'm over the toilet (no seat liner, not sitting) I start peeing. All over the floor. Where is the toilet?? I can't believe it, I missed the dang toilet, who does that?? This stall is apparently a lot deeper than I'd thought. So I start backing up trying to get over the toilet with my jeans pulled down and still squatting, and my shoes go sliding in the mess I've made on the floor. My legs go straight out in front of me as I land (look away, Deb, look away!!!) bare butt on the floor in my own mess. I'm sitting there for a split fraction of a second as I notice shoes in the stalls on each side of me. For whatever reason, I start laughing. My feet are stuck outside the door of the stall, my butt and jeans are sitting in pee, I hear someone ask if I need help...Lord, take me now. Please. I mean, I'm in a church already, c'mon! The only thing that can make it worse is for me to open my mouth and say 'God, I'm so glad I don't go to church here', and yup, that's exactly what I said. Why?? Who knows. Probably cause I'm thinking I won't have to run into people I know. Anyway, I tell them that yes, I am okay, but I've still got to go to the bathroom so to please go on doing whatever they need to do. Translation, PLEASE GO AWAY. I tried to clean myself up pretty good and by the time I left the stall there wasn't anyone around, but there were a lot of people outside the bathroom. I walked out as tall as I could, smiled and asked the nearest person where they were selling the baked potatoes.
By the way, I got it to go.

45 Comments:

Blogger Georgiapeach said...

OMgoodness. That was hysterical. Now that is so so embarrassing. At least she did not see your face. Whoa. I am laughing so hard. Wow, I don't think I could have even shared that one on my blog..lmao! Too funny!

3:49 PM  
Blogger ~Deb said...

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kathi sweetie. Kathi darling. You know what a bathroom phobe I am. OMG... OMG... Oh my sweet Lord!

Forget about the baked potatos---did you feel all sticky after you left the bathroom?

Oh Lord. Kathi. Kathi. Kathi. *shaking head* Oh the horror!

I feel like rubbing you down with some rubbing alcohol...but that can lead into certain things and we're both married here. Hmmm..Where am I going with this?

THAT should have been your Halloween story!

{{hugs}}---wait----are you clean?

3:55 PM  
Blogger Leesa said...

kathi - I feel so sorry for you, but it was also so funny. So funny, that I have to pee.

The word verification has a couple of letters and then spike. I am so easily entertained.

Oh, I have to pee.

4:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

See these are the reasons I miss you so much! If I still lived there I probably would have been there with you, (at the Church not the Drs.) needing a restroom too! Because you know we both would have had at least 2-3 diet Pepsi each. I would have pee'd my pants laughing at you because you know you would have got the first open stall. Age before beauty and all!
TOO FUNNY!!!!!
Are you going back tomorrow with different clothes on and a hat? You could start dying your hair again!
I guess it depends on how good the potato was.
Katy

4:17 PM  
Blogger cinefille said...

WOW! That was a hysterical story. If that were me, I would've been sooooo embarrassed. Maybe that's why I avoid public restrooms unless it's an absolute emergency.

4:21 PM  
Blogger Georgiapeach said...

@Deb, I am a bathroom phobe too! Like, seriously. I was thinking the same exact thing. I was tensing up when I read she fell on the floor. I was screaming "No" in my head...lol

4:53 PM  
Blogger kathi said...

GP ~ They all saw my face when I left the bathroom, there were like 20 women standing outside waiting to see who I was. Just held my head high, smiled and asked directions for the baked potatoe booth. :) I'm laughing too.

deb ~ I told you to look away!!! I knew what this would do to you. Yes, my butt, my panties and my
jeans were wet, omg, nasty!!!! Like I'm going to leave w/o my baked potatoe after I'd gone through that! YOU BET I'M CLEAN!!

leesa ~ just make sure you're near the seat before you sit! LOL, I still can't believe it.

katy ~ HI KATY!! Yeah, you know the kind of situations I find myself in, huh? Still can't believe all our delivery men weren't named Sisco.

cinefille ~ it WAS an emergency, I'm lucky I made it to the bathroom, just wish I'd made it to the toilet!

GP ~ I was screaming tooooo, hey, it was MY butt sitting on that cold pee'd on floor, even if it was MY pee. YUCK! YEWWWWWW, so gross!

5:25 PM  
Blogger Shawn said...

LOL! That bathroom story was hysterical. I'm so mad that you still bought that baked potato before you left the church.

5:40 PM  
Blogger Bill Jones, Jr said...

That was hilarious! If it's any consolation, my ex, when she was pregnant, was trying on maternity dresses. Right when she found one she liked, she sneezed... and peed all over the dress.

She was so embarrassed, she actually put it back on the rack and ran (sort of) out of there.

At least you kept your head up and spoiled the other ladies fun.

7:17 PM  
Blogger Wendy said...

I think I just peed myself laughing at this!! I DETEST public bathrooms and the mere thought of ANY part of my body touching a piece of a public restroom just makes me sick inside! And you ... Oh!! Poor you!!! You SAT on that nasty assed floor!! Actually ... thank God you sat in your own barrier of pee!! It probably saved you from all the scabie germs!!! AHHHH!!!! LOL!

7:38 PM  
Blogger kathi said...

shawn ~ really, why? That baked potato was the only reason I went there to begin with. Wasn't going to go through that for nothing, lol...

sabledawn ~ now THAT'S a funny story!

wendy ~ I hate them too, even more so now! Again...YEWWWWWW, NASTY!

9:12 PM  
Blogger Chrissie said...

ROTFL... OMG! Kathi!
Did you steralize your self when ya got home?? At least you slipped in your OWN piss here?? ACK... I dont think there is a silver lining with this one lol.. Oh wait! You didnt bust yer ass bone when ya fell! YYAAAAYY lol

9:22 PM  
Blogger DZER said...

kathi ... I'm sorry ... but

LMFAO!!!

holy shit! I mean ... HOLY PEE!!

between you with this story and Deb with her toothless wonder date, I don't know which one busted my gut more ... LOL

*trying to catch breath*

9:52 PM  
Blogger Twisted Chick said...

Dear God woman, I thought I was the only person who did stuff like that! I'm so sorry for the distress but dang girl, I'm laughing so hard right now I'm going to bust!

10:07 PM  
Blogger bbsgirl said...

I'm laughing so hard I can't breath...the dog is whining cause he thinks I'm loosing and I know i am....LOL...omg...my sides hurt now. YOu poor thing...omg...I can't belive you went through that....I would simply die right there in the stall....LMAO...

10:21 PM  
Blogger kathi said...

Chrissie ~ yeah, I guess if I've got to sit in pee, I'd rather it be my own. Thanks for that silver lining.

dzer ~ I honestly think I'd rather sit on a nasty wet floor butt raw than to have gone out with debs 'blind date' (I'll bet she wishes she'd been blind...huh? Sorry deb. HUGS!)

tracie ~ tellin ya, twins. At least this brought some smiles, there's the silver lining. C'mon, I'm the first one that laughed at it while I was still sitting on the floor. LOL.

10:23 PM  
Blogger kathi said...

jan ~ I'm so glad that I could bring a little joy to so many today, LOL. Shouldn't you be packing? Poor dog, lives with a crazy person...

10:29 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

Oh Kathi.. oh sweetie. I feel for you... I've done that bathroom thing myself.. at a Home Depot. And I walked out after trying as best as I could to cleanse myself.. tied my jacket around my waist.. and as I clear the door spot Todd and head for safety I hear this woman say.. Yeah.. thats the one.. she just slid off the toilet. I wonder if shes drunk.

We now shop at the Home Depot across town.

11:12 PM  
Blogger kathi said...

Awwww, Heather!! I know the best people! Thanks so much for telling me that story, I laughed my butt off. By the way, were you drunk? LOL

11:21 PM  
Blogger No_the_game said...

Uhhh Ahhh Lady,

I am sorry. But it is pretty funny and I loved how you handled yourself. Very smart :)

1:32 AM  
Blogger kathi said...

ntg ~ Yeah, I agree...pretty funny. Even at the time, I thought it was funny (nasty, but even I could see the humor). Lol, when I left the bathroom and saw the crowd waiting outside to see me, I couldn't just run away. If being invisible had been a choice, I may have took that...but not an option.

6:32 AM  
Blogger ~Deb said...

Oh Kath- you're such a pisser!



Question though: How does one fall on their ass in a stall???? That goes for you too Heather! How????

*shaking head laughing*

9:59 AM  
Blogger ~Deb said...

Hey Dzer sweetie--your comment just ~sunk in~.........I sent my toothless wonder date over to Guam, to meet you. Hope you don't mind...

10:00 AM  
Blogger kathi said...

deb ~ okay, hon, pay attention and let's recap. I squatted, missed the toilet, backed up, slipped in my pee and went down. And Heather was drunk. LOL.

11:03 AM  
Blogger Bill Jones, Jr said...

"Kath- you're a pisser.." that comment was really good... and just so wrong to say. I can't stop laughing now. My daughter thinks I've had a stroke.

12:43 PM  
Blogger mr_g said...

Laughing with you, not at you...really! I guess that goes to the old "seat up or down" argument and one more shining example of why seats should be left up. Then women would ALWAYS check it before sitting down. Sorry you had to endure that, but dman if that wasn't a funny story!

1:03 PM  
Blogger Clay said...

LOLOL - your's was worse than mine!

1:33 PM  
Blogger joey♥ said...

hahahahha. thank you for making me laugh. it's awesome how you played it off and were able to laugh at yourself. if people can't laugh at themselves once in awhile, they get quite melodramatic and start to feel sorry for themselves. keep writing!

4:12 PM  
Blogger kathi said...

sable ~ yeah, isn't deb funny? kma deb. LOVE YA

cane ~ was not :)

joey ~ I just visited your blog, girl you've got some great stuff there. You're a beautiful girl, living in beautiful place. I want you enjoying it, promise it'll be something we'll work on! Oh, and you've got a style with writing, very well done!

4:33 PM  
Blogger ~Deb said...

My question still remains, HOW the hell did you miss the toilet!!!!???????????

Hahaa!!!!! I love this post! One of my favorites! I'm morbidly fascinated. Hmm. But my OCD tells me otherwise, ....RUN FOREST RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5:19 PM  
Blogger Kevin said...

You've just left me speechless. I'm not sure that's ever happened before.

5:51 PM  
Blogger kathi said...

deb ~ why is it I KEEP answering your question BUT you won't answer mine about the FLOWERS??? LOL, it's driving me crazy! I thought I'd backed up far enough, I THOUGHT I was over it (again, there wasn't a seat liner, no way in the world I'm lowering my butt to the seat without a liner). This was one loooonnnnngggg stall, far deeper than I'd realized. First time I realized it was WHEN I heard my pee hittin the floor! Unfortunately, I'd had to go soooo bad (remember) that quite a bit hit the floor. YUCK, I know, I feel awful about it. So, when I go to back up, my heels (remember, I'm balancing here, squatting...c'mon, you've done this!) go sliding on the wet floor (yup, wet...lol) and I try to lean back to the toilet, my feet go out in front and my sweet butt falls into the mess I'd just made. Other than having it re-enacted and filmed for ya babe, that's going to have to do it!!! NOW...WHAT HAPPENED TO THE FLOWER POST????


Kevin ~ I absolutely hate your last post, I don't know any of those lines and it made me feel like an idiot. Pooh on you. Write something else soon, please.

6:26 PM  
Blogger Joey Polanski said...

An somhow I always thought powderin th nose had sompm t do wit powder an noses.

10:57 PM  
Blogger joey♥ said...

thank you so much for your encouragement. every day is a struggle, but each day is also a gift. after all, doesn't the sweet taste less sweet without the sour?

3:22 AM  
Blogger midwest_hick said...

I'm glad I don't have to 'back up' .....ever.....to piss....lol

8:30 AM  
Blogger ~Deb said...

Midwest: Do you pee when you are sitting down? *gives you weird look*

Kathi: HOW THE HELL DID YOU FALL? (hahahaa) OOOOoOOOoo WeeeeeeeeeE that story sends chills up my spine... I really feel bad for you- I mean, as an OCD freak that I am---I am SO sympathizing over here---believe me when I say that!

What flowers Kathi??? WHAT FLOWERS???? You better lay off the sauce sista!

4:04 PM  
Blogger ~Deb said...

Wait midwest, ...pee when you are sitting down? OR sit down while you pee? *scratches head*

I'm really thinking way too much upon this subject.

4:05 PM  
Blogger Greg - Cowboy in the Jungle said...

I feel for you! And I feel for me too because I should have heeded your warning and looked away or stopped reading...

Maybe you can recover and take a better shot next time.

7:34 PM  
Blogger kathi said...

joey p ~ uh huh

joey ~ Completely and absolutely true.

midwest ~ yup, if you 'had' to back up to pee, it would mean you were painfully ... hmmmmm, large?

deb ~ girl, you are so in need of a spanking.

greg ~ we squat, not take shots...lol.

8:23 PM  
Blogger E said...

Wow Kathi...I feel your embarrassment. I cringed as I read the story..:-)

9:33 PM  
Blogger Stacy-Deanne said...

Oh man, Kathi, LOL! I don't mean to laugh but I just have to. I'm only human. I mean seeing you wallowing on the floor in pee had to be something, LOL! Forgive me for laughing at your pain but, damn you had a bad day didn't you? You had one of those, " I-smashed-my-finger-in-the-car-door " days. And you're brave as heck for sharing this in public. You wouldn't catch me telling this to my friend, let alone blogging about it, LOL!

2:41 AM  
Blogger kathi said...

e ~ read your post last night, awesome (and painful) read. I cringed as I read your story too.

stacy d ~ yeah, I get to laugh at myself ALOT in my life. Go figure. :)

7:24 AM  
Anonymous blackops said...

I think I have to reserve reading your posts for the afternoons, its way too early to reading your blog, Im glad everything came out okay though ;)

11:32 AM  
Blogger ~Deb said...

And to think, I still don't know what you mean by "flowers". I never had them up. Never. (haha)

Oh this story brings tears to my eyes Kath---TEARS!

10:06 AM  
Blogger 3carnations said...

Kathi, I guess this post is from before I knew you...Deb was kind enough to send people to read it again.

Now I'm going to be afraid to squat.

1:31 PM  

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