Back It Up

I'm not easy to embarrass. Actually, I'm pretty much the only one that can embarrass me. Today, so far, has been a long line of embarrassing moments.

First appointment of the day was my yearly mammogram. Could it be any more uncomfortable or embarrassing? It truly is like a 30 minute torture chamber for women with us having to allow some stranger to manipulate our breasts without the benefit of a drink first or anything. While I'm being molded between metal and plastic, the sweet lady technician was telling me about the Christmas Craft Fair at the Catholic Church and the huge baked potatoes they're selling there.

Then they send me next door to have a bone density test. My first. A lot more comfortable than the mammogram, granted, but I didn't like it either. Why do people tell you to hold your breath and not move, then try to carry on a conversation with you? Plus, my nose itched.

Finally, I'm on my way to the craft fair and I had to pee so bad. I get to the church, and the parking lot of this huge church is packed out. I'm jumping up and down in my car (again...I really gotta pee), trying to hold it and looking for a parking space. Finally...I get one! As soon as I get in the church, I'm looking for a bathroom. Wow, huge church! Again...FINALLY, find a bathroom and there is only one person in line.

Okay, women are going to relate to this more, and I'd probably feel more comfortable with the men looking away about now. I get in my stall, I'm hurrying pulling my jeans down around my knees as I back up to the toilet, and as I squat, thinking I'm over the toilet (no seat liner, not sitting) I start peeing. All over the floor. Where is the toilet?? I can't believe it, I missed the dang toilet, who does that?? This stall is apparently a lot deeper than I'd thought. So I start backing up trying to get over the toilet with my jeans pulled down and still squatting, and my shoes go sliding in the mess I've made on the floor. My legs go straight out in front of me as I land (look away, Deb, look away!!!) bare butt on the floor in my own mess. I'm sitting there for a split fraction of a second as I notice shoes in the stalls on each side of me. For whatever reason, I start laughing. My feet are stuck outside the door of the stall, my butt and jeans are sitting in pee, I hear someone ask if I need help...Lord, take me now. Please. I mean, I'm in a church already, c'mon! The only thing that can make it worse is for me to open my mouth and say 'God, I'm so glad I don't go to church here', and yup, that's exactly what I said. Why?? Who knows. Probably cause I'm thinking I won't have to run into people I know. Anyway, I tell them that yes, I am okay, but I've still got to go to the bathroom so to please go on doing whatever they need to do. Translation, PLEASE GO AWAY. I tried to clean myself up pretty good and by the time I left the stall there wasn't anyone around, but there were a lot of people outside the bathroom. I walked out as tall as I could, smiled and asked the nearest person where they were selling the baked potatoes.
By the way, I got it to go.