MY LIFE AS I LIVE IT

No more, EXXon / Mobil!

2011-02-25T10:48:00.001-06:00

I've never done this before, but gas in Dallas is $3.19 right now and this little idea that was sent to me in an email makes some sense to me. So, I'm on board. You?

THIS IS NOT THE 'DON'T BUY' GAS FOR ONE DAY, BUT IT WILL SHOW YOU HOW WE CAN GET GAS BACK DOWN TO $1.30 PER GALLON.
This was sent by a retired Coca Cola executive. It came from one of his engineer buddies who retired from Halliburton. If you are tired of the gas prices going up AND they will continue to rise this summer, take time to read this please.
Phillip Hollsworth offered this good idea.
This makes MUCH MORE SENSE than the "don't buy gas on a certain day" campaign that was going around last April or May!
It's worth your consideration. Join the resistance!!!!
I hear we are going to hit close to $ 4.00 a gallon by next summer and it might go higher!! Want gasoline prices to come down?
We need to take some intelligent, united action.
The oil companies just laughed at that because they knew we wouldn't continue to "hurt" ourselves by refusing to buy gas .
It was more of an inconvenience to us than it was a problem for them.
BUT, whoever thought of this idea, has come up with a plan that can really
work. Please read on and join with us!
By now you're probably thinking gasoline priced at about $2.00 is super cheap. Me too! It is currently $3.08 at Arco and Costco for regular unleaded in Salem , Oregon and climbing every week.
Now that the oil companies and the OPEC nations have conditioned us to think that the cost of a gallon of gas is CHEAP at $1.50 - $1.75, we need to take aggressive action to teach them that BUYERS control the marketplace..not sellers.
With the price of gasoline going up more each day, we consumers need to take action.
The only way we are going to see the price of gas come down is if we hit someone in the pocketbook by not purchasing their gas! And, we can do that WITHOUT hurting ourselves.
How? Since we all rely on our cars, we can't just stop buying gas.
But we CAN have an impact on gas prices if we all act together to force a price war.
Here's the idea: For the rest of this year, DON'T purchase ANY gasoline from the two biggest companies (which now are one), EXXON and MOBIL.
If they are not selling any gas, they will be inclined to reduce their
prices. If they reduce their prices, the other companies will have to
follow suit.
But to have an impact, we need to reach literally millions of Exxon and Mobil gas buyers. It's really simple to do! Now, don't wimp out on me at this point ... keep reading and I'll explain how simple it is to reach millions of people!!
I am sending this note to 30 people. If each of us send it to at least
ten more (30 x 10 = 300) ... and those 300 send it to at least ten more
(300 x 10 = 3,000) ... and so on, by the time the message reaches the sixth group of people, we will have reached over THREE MILLION consumers .
If those three million get excited and pass this on to ten friends each, then 30 million people will have been contacted!
If it goes one level further, you guessed it ... .. THREE HUNDRED MILLION PEOPLE!!!
Again, all you have to do is send this to 10 people. That's all!
(If you don't understand how we can reach 300 million and all you have to do is send this to 10 people ... . Well, let's face it, you just aren't a mathematician. But I am . so trust me on this one.
How long would all that take? If each of us sends this e-mail out to ten more people within one day of receipt, all 300 MILLION people could conceivably be contacted within the next 8 days!
I'll bet you didn't think you and I had that much potential, did
you! Acting
together we can make a difference.
If this makes sense to you, please pass this message on. I suggest that we not buy from EXXON/MOBIL UNTIL THEY LOWER THEIR PRICES TO THE $2.00 RANGE AND KEEP THEM DOWN. THIS CAN REALLY WORK.

I remember when...

2011-01-09T19:18:00.006-06:00

Memories are a funny thing. The precision of the memory depends on who is doing the remembering. I'm old enough to have heard many stories told in a wide variety of ways depending on who is doing the telling. Sometimes it's funny to listen to people debate on whose version is correct, and often I wonder what it really matters whether one's version is more correct than another.

Those who have read me for a few years may recall that I have some memory issues. After 30 some years, I'm use to not remembering things that I'd like very much to remember...family vacations growing up, the birth of my kids...but I can't pick and choose what I'm able to remember. But sometimes, when I do remember something, it's a little annoying to me when someone corrects that memory. Seriously, what's it hurt for me to remember something 'my' way? But some people just have to make sure that they are correct and that everyone knows it.

Recently I was invited to join a friend's family holiday gathering. I met some wonderful people and one of them was my friend's mother who was 82 years old. One of the sweetest women I've met in a very long time. As family gatherings often do, after awhile, the conversations turned to the 'remember when' stories. Mom recalled an incident of when the kids were younger and was immediately countered with 'that's not how it happened' from her husband as he retold the story the correct way. A little later she chimed in when the family was laughing about another memory of years ago and, again, her husband told her that she didn't know what she was talking about and that wasn't how things had happened. I watched this sweet old woman look away as she questioned her own recollections.

It broke my heart to see this woman's memories, memories that she had held dear for many years, be questioned and especially to see that she was now questioning them herself. I couldn't help but wonder what it would have hurt to have let this woman have those memories, right or wrong, that she had treasured. Who would it have hurt for her to have kept those memories in tact?

Sometimes, even when we know (or believe we know) that someone is wrong, maybe we should consider who it hurts to keep our mouths shut. I wonder how many of us would refrain from speaking if we stopped to think that by speaking, we were taking away someone else's joy. Few things in this world have as much power as the tongue. Our words can lift one up or tear one down, it can build or destroy and so unlike anything else in our lives, this is one thing that we can completely control. I, as much as anyone else in this world, struggle to control that power. But, especially after witnessing the change in this sweet woman's spirit from when she was recalling wonderful memories...her memories, to the split second later when she was told they were false, I will try to take longer to speak than I have before. I will try to consider whether my words are worth saying; will they build someone up or tear someone down. If there is a chance that they will tear someone down, is it really that important to speak them?

I wish there had been a way for me to have given that sweet hearted woman her memories back. As it was, all I could do was hug her, tell her that she was precious and that I was blessed to have met her. I learned a valuable lesson that day...and I hope I'll always remember it.

A Child Always

2010-10-03T20:20:00.008-05:00

Every parent with older children has heard them say "I'm not a child anymore", and I'm sure we've all given the same response "you will always be my child". Being someones child has nothing to do with how old you are, but whether your parents are still living, because until they aren't, you will always be someones child. And...now no longer being any one's child myself, I can tell you first hand that having someone on this earth that cares for you as only a parent can is better than not having them.

Even though I remember what that race for independence was like, I also know what it's like to watch it from the other side. From the moment our children are born, we celebrate each new 'first' in their life. First time they roll over, first time they crawl, first step, first word, first time they ride a bike, first day of school, first date, first job, first time they drive... We all start out so excited, we can't wait until their next 'first', brag and blog about it even, and then all of the sudden, even though we're still excited for them, it's also mixed with a little sadness. It's a parent's joy to watch their kids grow up as long as we're still needed. It is a little ironic that for the first years of their life we're telling them how big they are; "you're such a big girl", "that's my big boy", "you're growing up so fast" and when they start to believe it we begin saying "you're not old enough for that", "don't be in such a hurry to grow up". Our kids get to an age that we realize every 'first' is taking them just a little closer to that independence they're running to and a little further away from us. Raising confident kids that feel secure enough to leave our side is what a parent...a good parent, strives to do, but it doesn't make it any easier when we succeed.

It's a delicate balance, though. On one hand we want to raise our kids to be self sufficient, and yet we want them to always know that they can come to us when they need us. Sometimes that's hardest on the child, because not only do they want to prove to themselves that they can make it on their own, they want to prove it to their parents as well, and that is admirable. But parents are there for a reason, not only for help, but for encouragement and to listen. God set the perfect example of the Father - child relationship. A parent loves without condition, never turns a deaf ear, and would give His life if needed. As children, we all get busy and sometimes the thought of our parents never crosses our mind, it's only natural, but that doesn't mean that the parent ever forgets about the child. It's impossible.

We've all told our parents growing up "I'm not a child anymore", but the fact is, as long as your parents are alive, you'll always be a child...their child. And regardless of how grown you are, be it 21 or 51, it will always be their first instinct to help you and to make things better for you because there will never be anything stronger or more important to them in this world than their love for you.

2010-06-24T21:40:00.001-05:00

They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder...I'm not a huge fan of fonder.

Out of Fear

2010-02-24T19:36:00.006-06:00

There are things in life that we want, sometimes desperately, and yet we hold on to something that holds us back from what our heart desires. Like a person who, out of fear, will not jump from a burning building and is consumed in the fire, sometimes we cling to what we know and, out of fear, miss the best that God has for us.

There is the woman who cries herself to sleep after a long day of abuse (whether it's mental, emotional or physical, the heart can't differentiate between them) and yet stays because it's what she knows. Is there a better life outside the prison that has become her life? She may never know because of her fear of the unknown.

There is the man who stays with a job he's never been happy with because of the fear of starting over somewhere else. The woman who knows there is something wrong, but will not go to the doctor out of fear of an abnormal test. The artist who is afraid to show anyone his talent for fear of rejection.

Fear plays such a huge part in our lives...fear of many things, but mostly from stepping out of one's comfort zone, even when it's not so comfortable. I've found myself holding onto things that made me unhappy and depriving myself of the joys God has for me simply out of fear of letting some things...go. Well, that and because I'm stubborn as hell. But what I've come to realize lately is that my holding onto something doesn't make it mine or even worth keeping. The tighter I try to hold on to something old, the more it keeps God from giving me something new. Yeah, I can be stubborn like that, but I'm also humble enough to know that sometimes I just get it wrong. Thankfully, He always gets it right. So, I continue to learn to let go.

The fear of letting something go is never a good enough reason to hold on to it.

What would you do?

2010-01-21T21:41:00.008-06:00

What would you do if you had one year to live? What would be first and foremost on your mind to do? I imagine I'd want to do many of the things I've wanted to do, but haven't...thinking that there would be time. I'd like to take some of the mission trips that I've let fall through the cracks thinking 'next time'. I'd take the vacations I've put off thinking I needed to take care of this or that first. I'd travel to the places I've always wanted to go, but thought I shouldn't spend the money on myself.

What would you do if you had one month to live? I imagine I'd want to see people that I've put off visiting, thinking that sooner or later we'd get together. With me, sadly, later is often acceptable. I hope the people I care for know that it's a character flaw with me and not a reflection of how important they are to me. I seldom hurry. I'm much more of a 'ride in the country with the windows down' than a 'pedal to the metal to make a reservation' kind of girl. I tend to focus on the ride more than the destination. Still, I'd be remiss to not let those I love and care about know how important they were in my life.

What would you do if you had one week to live? I'd want to have my boys with me. I'd want them to know all of my secrets that I thought I'd tell them one day and make sure all their questions were answered. There are so many things I wished I'd asked my mom before she passed unexpectedly, and so many things I wish I could have said. I'd want to hold their hands, touch their faces and try with every fiber of my being to let them know how special they are and how much they are loved.

What would you do if you had one day to live? I'd want to spend it smiling. I'd want to listen to my favorite music, feel the sun on my face and know His peace. I'd want to share with others how much I've loved my life...I've appreciated the good and never resented the bad. You can't love with a resentful heart, and I've loved.

What would you do if you had one minute to live? I'd fall to my knees and say 'thank you', because with all of my heart, for this life that I've had, I am so very thankful.

Perception

2010-01-10T19:50:00.008-06:00

We have a tendency to look at people through glasses colored by our own perception. Sometimes we perceive people to be greater than they actually are and then we're disappointed in them, other times we're blown away that we didn't see someones potential. It's all about perception.

People don't often let you see the real 'them'. There are so many layers to who we are; seldom are we the person we appear to be to others. People I worked with every single day had no idea we'd lost our home. People I laughed with every day had no idea I'd cried at night when my heart was broken.

Life is like a movie screen and what people see is merely the picture we project. Anyone can pretend to be anything, remember Ted Bundy? People are constantly putting on an act that is shown specifically for the audience that surrounds them. Life can be exhausting pretending every day to be someone you're not, to feel things you don't, and sometimes wondering if even you know who you really are.

I still have trouble figuring out who I am. I'll be honest and say that, sometimes, I feel trapped being who everyone around me thinks I am. Am I that person? And if I'm not, would they like the person who hides behind this persona? I've always been shy but that's not what people see. I project a stronger personality on the screen of life than what honestly resides within. I hide insecurity with humor and attitude, but just because I hide my insecurities in no way diminish their reality.

Maybe because I know I'm so different than the person I project, I rarely believe in first impressions. Sadly, I've found that the only impression to be true is, too often, one's last impression.

Saying goodbye to 2009

2009-12-31T01:27:00.013-06:00

The year draws to an end and there are so many mixed emotions I have as I say goodbye to 2009 and welcome 2010. 2009 was probably the most life changing year for me since 1982.

I know I’ve been absent from blogging, and I apologize for that. I appreciate all the friends I’ve made here, and the readers that I’ve been able to touch around the world amazes me. I am so thankful for the opportunity to have been a part of your lives. Not only from this blog, but from those who’ve stumbled upon my Christian blog. The letters and stories I’ve gotten from people bless me and leave me humbled. God has been good to me, and I’m thankful for each of you.

I have been writing constantly, even though I’ve not been able to post, I’ve been very busy literally turning my life into an open book. But one of my ‘new year resolutions’ is to start posting, to all of my blogs, at least weekly.

2009 was an amazing year. I shared a little in my last post before Thanksgiving how things changed in 2009. Financially, things have changed tremendously. Being on the side of giving instead of needing is a huge blessing. God has blessed me and being able to bless others is the biggest rush. I don’t know if God led me to or if I simply sought out mothers in the same situation as I was last year, but being able to make a difference in someone’s life this Christmas (as others did in mine last Christmas) was awesome. The Christmas we had at my house was possibly the best one we’ve ever had. Not because of the gifts, but because of the joy my house was full of. I had my boys home, and any time I’ve got them under the same roof, I’m a happy mama. We celebrated Charlie’s 19th birthday Christmas eve, how that is possible is beyond me. But this last year has seen Charlie through the ‘I’m full grown’ stage, where I had to ask him to leave and he moved in with his father, to the ‘thank you for all you do for me’ stage; he cooks and offers to help in ways I’d not even thought of, which has allowed me to welcome him back home. He still stays at his dads occasionally, which I’m sure his dad is as grateful for as I am grateful for my occasional alone time. Casey continues to grow into a stronger man of God than I’d ever imagined possible, but I stand by the ‘raise up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it’ promise with both of my boys. Some fruit just ripens faster than others. :)

2009 has continued to bless me with my job. I love my job. How many people can say that they never regret having to go to work? Well, I honestly can. I not only love my job, but I love each of the 31 women and five doctors that I work with. We lost an amazing woman this year to cancer, and even though there is light missing from our office, I have no doubt I’ll see her again.

2009 also brought love into my life. I’d doubted my heart was capable of real love, but I fell in love with someone I’d known since high school. I knew for the first time in many, many years what it was like to love without boundaries; to put myself in a vulnerable position and trust without fear. I learned so much from this relationship, and disappointment was one of the things I learned. I don’t regret anything and I’d rather love and be disappointed than to have never loved this way at all. My heart, well, it’s a tough cookie. Love is a forever thing with me, and it doesn’t just come and go. I like this about myself, yet, it’s not good for my dating life. I’m not a fan of dating, I’m more of the ‘let’s be friends’ than ‘I want a relationship’ kind of girl. Most men my age, and actually, even those younger, tend to be looking for a relationship. Though I honestly wish I could be open to a relationship, I’m a 'one man' type of woman. I just don’t find men interchangeable. Funny thing, though, I mourned the loss of this love; my heart, my soul, my very being, actually ached...still aches, and yet when Mark walked out in 2006, I couldn’t change the locks fast enough. What’s been hardest is that I wasn’t a fan of dating before because I couldn’t, I wouldn’t, fake feeling something I didn’t and now it’s even harder because I know what that feeling should actually be...and I can’t, I won’t, encourage someone getting serious over me when I know I’ll not be able to reciprocate. Besides, men who are looking for something serious tend to get frustrated with me when I'm honest with them from the beginning. For some reason men tend to think that, given time, I'll change my mind. I've never been known for that. :) I can’t imagine finding love like this again, but that’s okay. Some people never find it. Plus, I have a habit of trusting God. I have no doubt that He’ll lead me to where he wants me to go in both heart and body.
I can’t help whom I love, and whom I don’t.
I can’t say I’m in love when I’m not,
and I can’t say I’m not in love when I am.
I can’t help whom my heart lets in and whom it doesn’t.
I can’t help whom I’ve cried for and whom I’ve made cry.
I just can’t.

So, 2009 may have had it's ups and downs, but it's never kept me down. I've found Amber and Kristen, the daughters of a close friend I'd lost many years ago, and they are now like my own family. I love them completely. I've also welcomed three young adults from Taiwan: Mavis, Angela and Mathew, and Kayleen, from Korea, into my ever expanding family, thanks to Casey. Casey honestly brings the best people into my life. I've survived Charlie's short lived rebellious stage and still have my sons as my two best friends. The boys were both able to purchase good, reliable transportation for themselves (if you're an aged reader of this blog, you'll remember the tales of woe for Casey's 'Old Yeller' and Charlie's car that wouldn't pass inspection) and are both blessed with vehicles they are proud of and that I don't need to be concerned about...always a plus. Both of the boys have good solid jobs that they enjoy, as do I. And...well, I fell in love. There is my 2009 in a slightly condensed version. I say condensed, and you say ‘will she ever shut up?’. Well, the answer is yes.

Happy New Year to each of you. As always, I pray that God will fill your heart with Peace and your days with Joy abundant.

Blessed Abundantly

2009-11-24T20:45:00.010-06:00

What a difference a year makes. Common saying, yes? However, truly, what a difference a year makes.

Thanksgiving 2008; the boys and I had just lost our house to foreclosure. The only home the boys had ever known, my home for the 22 years, gone and we were forced to leave. Grateful to having found someone who would finally rent to us (foreclosure, a HUGE blemish on your credit) we moved into the rental in November. We barely had money for rent and utilities, not alone a Thanksgiving dinner...and Christmas was coming. God blessed us with some amazingly wonderful people who were extremely generous and not only enabled me to give the boys a 'Christmas' but to keep the utilities on and food on the table.

This year God has turned our lives around. Not only am I able to feed my two, but four UNT international students from Taiwan (that Casey is bringing home with him for a few days) and Mark (yes, my ex). This will be the first Thanksgiving for the students from Taiwan and the first for Mark since his mother passed. When Mark told me he was going to spend it alone, I discussed inviting Mark with Casey. Casey said that inviting Mark was the Christ like thing to do. Casey is an amazing young man and always makes me proud.

One of my biggest blessings this year are the two additions to my family, Amber and Kristen. Sharon, their mother, was my best friend in Indianapolis 25 years ago before I moved to Texas. Amber was a child when I left Indianapolis and Kristen was born five years after I left, just a few months before Casey. Every year we'd visit Indianapolis and Kristen and the boys would spend time together. Sharon passed away of leukemia, her husband moved immediately afterwards, and I lost them. For years we searched and searched for them, but even with the internet, we couldn't locate them. Then, along came Facebook and Casey and I started sending out 'feelers' to everyone on Facebook with their names. Finally, we found them. Since then, I've fallen in love with them all over again, completely. And Amber, well, she's now married with a precious little girl of her own! So, not only do I have my 'girls' back, but I have a little one too!

2009 has brought me love, a foundation for financial stability that I've not known for a very long time, and renewed relationships. Yes, this Thanksgiving I am giving thanks...much, much thanks.

Happy Thanksgiving to all.

* This is a picture of the great kids Casey brought home, I love them! There's Casey, Angela, Mavis, Matthew (all from Taiwan) and Kayleen from Korea. They're making me bubble tea!

I have a few...

2009-11-10T21:26:00.010-06:00

How often we wish we could take something back; a word, a day...a relationship. I wonder, though, if it were possible, regardless of the stretch of one's imagination, that if we could actually take something back, how much of our life would we rewind and erase? How much of our life would we leave as it is? How much would we consider perfect enough to not 'do over'?

Regrets are hard to live with, but they are how we learn. We can live in the past, regreting something we did or an action we took...or we can see how it brought us to where we are. The older we get, the more things we'll have in our regret column...the hard part is forgiving ouselves and not only moving on but learning from the mistakes we've made. Experience comes with a price, but's it's a price worth paying.

There are words I wish I could take back, but what they've taught me is to think before I speak. There are years I wish I could do over, but what they've given me is experience to share with others and the ability to understand someone's mistakes rather than judge them.

I regret the night I went to bed early in December of 1990 and missed my mother's phone call. She passed away that night in her sleep. She'd spoke with my husband that night and told him to tell me she loved me. I regret missing her call that night, but what it taught me was to never let people go without knowing how I feel about them.

We tell our children to learn from their mistakes, yet we begrudge ourselves of the experience to learn from ours...and we judge others by the mistakes they make, forgetting that we, too, have made mistakes that we'd rather keep hidden. We can let regrets rule our lives, allowing ourselves to live in the past, or we can lay them down...all of them, and build the foundation of who we are upon them.

If for no other reason than it's one of my all time favorite songs (and that I've been playing the cd, Romanza, over and over recently), I'm adding the video, Miserere, with Zucchero Fornaciari (the author) and Andrea Bocelli, whom I love. But, as it happens, the song relates to my feelings in this post. I'll post the english translation below the song.

Miserere
----------------------------

Wretched, wretched
Wretched, wretched me
But I toast life!
What a mystery my life is
what a mystery!
I am a sinner from the year 80,000
A liar!
But where am I, what am I doing
How do I live
I live in the soul of the world
Lost in the depths of life

Wretched, wretched me
But I toast life!

I am the saint who betrayed you
when you were alone
I live elsewhere and observe the world
from the sky
and I see the sea and the forests,
I see myself...
I live in the soul of the world
lost in the depths of life!

Wretched, wretched me,
but I toast life!

If there is a night dark enough
To hide me, to hide me,
If there is a light, a hope
A magnificent sun that shines
Inside of me
Give me the joy to live
that is not yet there.

Wretched, wretched me
That joy to live
that perhaps, is not yet there.

Don't Go

2009-11-03T21:07:00.006-06:00

Charlie is a big fan of Jack London. I'll admit I'm not, only reading what was required in high school or college. Charlie, however, has read nearly everything London had written. I've encouraged this addiction with trying to find first editions for him. He's in awe of London, enamored even. I, remembering the days before I turned 20, can relate to London's attraction. However, being a mother and having lived through my teens and early 20's, against all odds, I see the pitfalls.

When I was a senior in high school, a few months before graduating and having been accepted at the college of my choice, there was a bonfire. Probably for a football game or some such thing...the specifics I don't remember. What I remember is meeting a guy who rode a motorcycle and, for whatever reason, appealed to me. I may have been a wild child, but in high school I was still naive and still virginal territory. This guy, whom I can't remember his name or even what he looked like, began calling me. He told me that he and a friend of his were leaving for Wyoming and/or Montana right after I graduated on their motorcycles, and wanted me to go with them. With every fiber of my 17 year old being, I not only wanted to go, but I was determined to go. It had nothing to do with the young man, it was the adventure...you could say the London experience. That is what my Charlie is experiencing and I can relate, because I've gone through it. You see, Charlie is so very much my child.

Charlie has recently, in the last month, decided that he, too, wants to see this country of ours...on foot. He's preparing himself; he's mapping out his journey, he's deciding what he needs to take with him and what he can leave behind. This child of mine is cut from the same cloth that I am. I remember, as if it were yesterday, the desire...the strong pull, of adventure. I still feel the pull.

What I also remember is my mother telling me that if I decided to go on this 'adventure', that she and my father would not pay for my college when I came home. This, alone, persuaded me not to go. Not the tears, not the 'reasoning', not the yelling; only the threat of not being able to attend college in the fall convinced me not to go.

Looking back, I didn't know this person...didn't know these TWO men that I was willing to get on the back of a motorcycle with and take off with only a wave goodbye to the people who loved me. I didn't know, I was a kid. Granted, many my age not only knew more but cared more about their future and their loved ones than I did. I was a selfish and self indulgent teenager. I've grown.

So, back to my baby. Charlie is determined to take off on a 'London' adventure. He, like his mother, is determined to be a writer. With all my heart I want him to succeed, to see his dreams come true and to fulfill every dream his heart leads him toward. Yet, there is that part of my mother in me that is screaming (inwardly) 'what are you thinking??'.

For those of you who remember Jack London, the happy endings are few. Perhaps because London didn't have me for a mother. Perhaps because he sought promises this world couldn't keep. Regardless, all I can do is try to keep Charlie grounded in the reality of this world, as my mother did me, and to love him. The latter is easy, the prior is what parenthood is all about. If nothing else, I excel at parenting. This past weekend I shared with Charlie my story about the bonfire, the young man with a motorcycle and my mother's threats.

History has a way of repeating itself.

Minimalist Meme

2009-10-19T21:50:00.005-05:00

Got this from Leesa
*after I did this, and went back to Leesa's page to copy and paste her addy...I read the directions. It's suppose to be ONE word answers. Hmmmm, I'll redo my answers, God forbid I should stray from the rules.

1. Where is your cell phone? Which one? One is on the table, the other in the car.
2. Your hair? Easy
3. Your mother? Sad
4. Your father? Selfish
5. Your favorite food? Mexican
6. Your dream last night? Can't remember
7. Your favorite drink? Water...I know, boring.
8. Your dream/goal? To make a difference...again, I know...
9. What room are you in? Living room
10. Your hobby? Writing
11. Your fear? None
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Content
13. Where were you last night? Time? Be specific.
14. Something that you aren't? Confident
15. Muffins? I'd pass on a muffin.
16. Wish list item? It's personal
17. Where did you grow up? Indiana
18. Last thing you did? Text
19. What are you wearing? An oversized tee
20. Your TV? Off
21. Your pets? Sleeping
22. Friends? Forgiving
23. Your life? Full
24. Your mood? Content (I can use it twice)
25. Missing someone? Yes
26. Vehicle? 32 mpg CITY...yeah baby. Love my Kia.
27. Something you're not wearing? Anything but a tee
28. Your favorite store? Macy's
29. Your favorite color? Red...or black
30. When was the last time you laughed? A few minutes ago.
31. Last time you cried? Three months ago
32. Your best friend? Katy
33. One place that I go to over and over? Work
34. One person who emails me regularly? Jason
35. Favorite place to eat? Chuy's

Yeah, I stray... :)

Goes to show that you never really know...

2009-10-18T21:26:00.010-05:00

I've only left the United States by way of ship, so I've never had need for a passport. I've had to show my birth certificate; which, by the way, I have the original one my parents received from the hospital. Now, however, I have need for a passport.

I filled out the forms I'd downloaded from on-line, and along with my birth certificate I attempted to apply for a passport on my lunch hour. As it so happens, my original birth certificate isn't enough, it has to be a certified copy from the state. No problem, I can call Indiana and have them send it to me.

Indiana isn't so easy to get a hold of, as it turns out. But I'm persistent, and after holding and being transferred from one recording to another, I'm directed to an on-line site. With a small fee, my certified copy is on it's way.

Within a week I receive my certified copy. I open it before putting it in my bag and notice that my last name is spelled incorrectly. Okay, so...it didn't really take that long to get it from Indiana, no problem...right? I'll just call them the next day and have them correct it.

I'm so silly.

As I get the paper work out the next day before I call, I also notice that not only did they misspell my last name, but they misspelled the last name of my parents...and they've misspelled it differently from the way they misspelled my last name. I go through the same maze of automated extensions (does anyone remember when you could actually call a company and a real person answered the phone?) and reach a woman who, very probably, has the flu. I felt so sorry for this woman that I wanted to pay for her doctor visit. I regress. I told her of how the last name had been misspelled in two places and in two different ways. She said that, yes, she did see the problem, that the last name had been misspelled on the line of my parents. I said, yes, that was true, but it was also misspelled on the line with my name. She very hoarsely asked me to hold...I held for awhile. But hey, she was probably in the bathroom or getting a box of tissues. I sounded like her a few weeks ago, so I'm giving this sweet thing the benefit of all doubts. She comes back on the line and tells me that no, my last name had been spelled correctly.

Huh?

She said that the way it's spelled on the certified copy they sent to me is how the state of Indiana has it filed, that I'm the one spelling it incorrectly. I am 100% serious. Who knew? I told her "Hon, I'm looking at my original birth certificate and it's spelled correctly on it. I do believe if I'd been spelling my last name incorrectly for the last 54 years, one of my parents would have corrected me." She asked me to hold. I brought solitaire up on my computer at work and had nearly finished the game before she came back. She asked me for my dad's date of birth. Does anyone know their dad's date of birth, including the year? I mean, I was pretty sure of the date, but the year? I told her to hold on while I researched it on-line. So, she and I chit chatted while I pulled up a copy of my dads obituary on-line and read her his date of birth. Again, I hold. When she returned, she told me that it appeared the doctor that delivered me misspelled my last name when he filled out my birth certificate for the state. I don't know how that is possible, when I'm holding my original birth certificate, which, I might add, is in incredibly excellent condition, and it's spelled correctly on it. Regardless, now the state is sending me forms to fill out and have notarized that my father is my father. When they receive those forms, they can correct my parent's last name, which in turn will correct my name. In all honesty, I'm not convinced, but we'll wait and see.

My trip out of the country will have to happen a little later than planned. But, what I find odd is that my social security card that I got as a teenager had my name spelled correctly and the IRS never had any trouble with my name...how funny it's not been caught until now. I suppose, since I'm changing my last name back to this maiden name soon, it would have been discovered sooner or later. But how funny that I'm just now finding out that, according to the great state of Indiana, I've been spelling my last name wrong all my life. You'd think that's one thing I could have been sure of.

Fallen

2009-10-11T19:15:00.007-05:00

Lately I have a hard time turning my mind off. I can take meds to make me sleep, and sleep will come, but there are those times when you want to sit back, watch the world around you and let peace consume you. Lately, peace doesn't come easily to me.

I'm not going through any hard times. Actually, praise God, this is probably one of the most 'comfortable' times of my life. Finances are not an issue, I love my job, my boys make me proud of them daily and I'm blessed with good people who care about me. I'm faced with the daily obstacles that each of us are, and I try to stay focused on the future because the past has been laid to rest...only, I haven't actually laid my past to rest. There are things that my mind refuses to let go of.

We're all guilty of things we'll not share, and I'm no different...as in I'll not share this particular guilt I'm carrying. This morning as I stood in praise at church I felt overwhelmed and I quit singing, I lowered my hands and my head and I began to cry. This isn't anything new, I never feel closer to Him than I do during praise, whether it be public or private. But this morning, I guess it's because of the guilt I've been carrying (though I've long since confessed it to Him, have asked for His forgiveness and have no doubt that I've received it) I just needed time with Him. In the midst of hundreds around me, there was only He and I. As I felt the tears free themselves from my eyes, I told Him that I keep falling short of Him. I'm so, so very sorry, but no matter how devoted I am to the journey to follow Him, I sometimes feel like I keep falling short. As if the hundreds were no longer there, I felt alone with Him. As if there was an echo in my being I heard Him say 'It's okay, I'll come to you, I'll always meet you where you are' and in my mind I pictured me fallen, on my knees, and Him racing to me. Yes, I made a mistake, but I'm the one that is having a hard time letting it go, not Him.

Sometimes I'm reminded of Paul's thorn in the flesh (II Cor. 12:7-10), and I wonder if maybe I'm just unable to let it go, regardless of the sorrow and guilt I feel. I know that my soul belongs to Him, and I have no doubt that He loves me. Yet, I feel as if I'm missing something...like I'm not quite whole, and I find it hard to rest. My heart feels torn; like a puzzle missing a piece, it feels incomplete.

I'm grateful for His patience and His healing. I'm in need of both.

A Parent's Love

2009-09-11T11:31:00.007-05:00

I love hearing from my kids. It doesn't matter what time of day or whether I'm busy or not, I love to hear from my boys. Sometimes they call to just see how I am, to tell me they're thinking of me and miss me, sometimes to say thank you for something I've done for them and sometimes they call because they need something. I'm a parent and when it all comes down to what my role actually is, it's to be there for them. That's what it has been since I carried them with-in me and that's what it will always be. I wouldn't have it any other way. Who else would I want them to turn to? I'd always rather be their first choice to go to for help.

It's an amazing feeling when they call to tell me they're thinking of me, to tell me that they miss me and I've never under appreciated their telling me they love me. I don't think we've ever disconnected a phone conversation or hugged goodbye without an 'I love you'. Having heard it for nearly 20 years has never diminished how much it means to me.

When they've called needing help, well, nothing puts a parent into action faster than their child in need. However, sometimes the best way to help a child is to let them figure something out for themselves. From the time a child is able to speak they will tell you they can do something for themselves. We all want to do things for ourselves, it's our spirit of independence. But when we fail, we reach out to those who love us for help. That's what comes natural to us. That's what we've been taught to do. How many times do we tell those we love to let us know if they need anything...'call me if you need me', 'let me know if I can do anything for you'. But sometimes being a parent...a good parent is not helping. Though we're not visible, of course, we're still there; we're never going to let a child fall short of our safety net, but a lesson learned is often more valuable than the assistance given. During those times when I've taken a step back, so that my kids can learn a lesson for themselves, I've not left them...only standing in the shadows. Though I loved them as little boys, my job is to encourage them to become men.

I began this by saying that I always love hearing from them. Whether I see their number come up on my phone, seeing an email is from them, or hearing them call my name from across a room, it doesn't matter. I will always love hearing from them, they're mine. And when they're in need, I can't rest until I know they're taken care of. I may not always help them when it's in my power to do so, but only because I'm teaching them how to help themselves...an exercise in learning their own ability, if you will. Make no mistake though, I will always catch them before they hit the ground.

I feel this way about my children. I believe, with all of my heart, that this is but an immeasurable fraction of how our Father feels about us. How pleased He is when we take a minute out of our day just to say hello, to tell Him that we love Him...to say 'thank you' for a way that He has blessed us; and yes, to even call on Him for help. I thank Him for the times He's let me learn on my own, regardless of how difficult the lesson, because I've grown in ways that I'd not thought possible. My heart has been thankful for lessons learned, for tears shed because what I've learned, I've often been able to teach, to share, and therefore be a blessing to someone else.

It breaks my heart, though, to think that so often He only hears from us when we need Him. Though I'd always want my children to call me should they need me, I can't imagine only hearing from them when they are in need. Every time I hear one of my boys say they love me, I smile...my heart can't help but swell with joy. I will get an email from Casey sending me something he thinks I might like, I'll get a call from Charlie just wanting to know what I'm doing...I love knowing that they're thinking of me. Can you imagine what our Father, whose heart is so much larger than ours that it's incomprehensible, must feel when we go to Him just to be in touch with Him, just to thank Him, to acknowledge what He's done for us...just to say 'I love You'? Even as much as I love my boys, I'll never know the depth of love that He has for us, it's not possible.

On the other side of this, of course, is the hurt I'd feel never hearing from my boys. No phone calls, no emails, no acknowledgement whatsoever. Would I love them less, I can't imagine that possible. But I can imagine the hurt, the loss...the loneliness I'd feel. Even if I were to have one with me every single day, I'd still long for the one that wasn't. I know I've distanced myself from Him on occasion, but nothing I've ever done has made Him love me less. As a parent, I understand this, but as a child, also, I know how hard it is to accept that kind of love. Yet it's there, regardless. Thankfully, it always will be. I hope my boys will always know that I love them, that I'll always be here for them to come home to and how much it means to me to hear from them. It's also a lesson to me that I am His child, and His heart longs for me just as mine longs for my children. He desires to hear from me; He longs to spend time with me. Parent or child, grown or not, thankful or in need, we're all His children and nothing can separate us from His love...a perfect love, a parent's love. I find comfort in that.

Lead Me...

2009-09-06T09:49:00.003-05:00

This is by Chris and Conrad, originally done by Hillsong. I love Hillsong, but if you've not heard of Chris and Conrad, please check them out. This song brings me to my knees every single time I hear it. We sing it in church a lot...I always take tissues. Happy tears, people, happy tears. :) Oh, and turn those speakers UP.

I'm such a 'Joe' kind of girl.

2009-08-18T15:38:00.005-05:00

Last week the boys and I went out for dinner and to see Casey's choice for his birthday movie, G.I. Joe. I was as anxious to see it as the boys, because the three of us played a lot with G.I. Joe's as the boys were growing up. I would find it very hard to imagine there was a Joe made that we didn't have at home, or a piece of their equipment, or a vehicle...even clothing. We had it all. We had the large planes and the small planes, the ships and the boats. They slept and bathed with those Joe's. I barely remember the cartoons, but they say they watched them.

Make no mistake, this movie was bad. The kind of bad where people were laughing during the serious parts, impossible to take anything serious kind of bad. However, the boys and I enjoyed it. For over an hour after the film we reminisced about the G.I. Joe's of their childhood. There are a lot of Joe's; Duke, Hawk, Snake Eyes...a lot of Joe's, and it was fun remembering them when their character was in the movie. We talked about what they'd had as boys, even remembering how certain Joe's or certain extras were broken. We'd forgotten so much. The movie was, without a doubt, one of the worst films I've seen, but the memories it brought back and the reminiscing we did after definitely made it worth sitting through.

Reaching Out

2009-08-06T21:38:00.006-05:00

Life is never perfect. There are many, many days of smiles, hours upon hours of laughter..but there are tears too. Sadness is part of life. If we never feel sadness, we've failed to feel for others. I want to feel for others; for those I know and those I don't. I want to feel.

There are times I've wept for people I've never met, hours I've spent on my knees praying for those close to me who are racked with sorrow. I believe it's our heart's nature to reach out to others, it's the core of the human spirit to care for others. We're the offspring of a mighty Heart, it's the very foundation of our spirit to reach out to others, to care for those who are in need, to love those who are hurting.

Many times I've witnessed the tears behind a smile, we all have. Someone we know, someone we pass on the street, someone behind a counter. It's our decision to acknowledge their need, their pain...their sorrow, or to walk away. I wonder how many opportunities we've had to ease the distress of another, regardless of how minute, and passed it by because it may have made us feel a moment of discomfort? What opportunities have we passed up, simply to spare ourselves an embarrassing moment? Many times I've been moved to ask someone if they were okay. It's not a big commitment on my end to let someone know I see their pain and that I care. Sometimes that may be all it takes. I've held the hands of strangers as they've cried; not always comfortable, but never a wasted moment. If we're not here for one another, tell me, why are we here?

I honestly feel sorry for those who never feel the pain of others. It must be such a self centered life to never cry over the suffering of someone else. Too strong to cry? Too self controlled to shed a tear for someone whose life is shattered? Jesus wept, my friends, Jesus wept. To know that kind of love for others, it's the ultimate example that Christ set before us to follow. 'He that is first shall be last, and he who is last shall be first' (Matthew 19:30). What an awesome opportunity we're given to instill even the smallest Light to others, to let them know that someone cares for them.

Please, take something away from this post with you today. Please take an extra second to make eye contact with a stranger, to notice the mood of someone next to you in line, to smile at someone as you pass them. The love He's given us, truly, is a terrible thing to waste.

One of my favorites...again, I Can Only Imagine.

Rock Solid

2009-08-03T20:35:00.016-05:00

Every word I said, I meant it. Every time I told you I missed you, it was true. Every time I told you I loved you, my heart was demanding to be heard. I'll never change day to day, week to week or month to month. I am rock solid.

So many times I've walked away because I was too honest to stay. Each time I was able to walk away with my head held high, knowing that I was doing what was right. The alternative held no attraction to me, shame had no hold on me. Still.

I had learned as a child to protect my heart. I had built a wall around it that could not be breached, until you. Make no mistake, you did not find a way in; I gave you entrance. I invited you in. I trusted you...I trusted you.

Every day is a lesson. In life, in love...every day a lesson. I'll take what you have taught me, I hope I'll forget what I've forgiven and I'll remember what my heart is capable of. Although each day changes, people rarely do; and as every day is a lesson, I learned a great deal from you.

As I was before you, as I will be after you, I will forever be true to my heart. Though perfection has never been my strong suit, honesty has been. I am today as I was yesterday, as I was last week and as I was last month, rock solid.

Words

2009-07-28T22:52:00.008-05:00

There are words that can change the direction of our life. Actually, not only our life, but the life of those around us, those who care for us and those whom we care for. For that reason alone, we should choose our words carefully

With my children, I choose my words with care...and calm. It's in me to speak first, to act first...sometimes to yell first, but it's never a good choice for me and can actually scar their memories of me. I want so badly to set a good example to my children. Sometimes being human we fail, but I believe when we put effort into it, we'll succeed much more than we will fail.

It's amazing how much our words can have an effect on strangers. I've had patients I've spoken to on the phone come in and ask to meet me because I'd made them laugh at a time they'd needed it. I've had patients bring me gifts because I'd touched them with words. We never know how what we're saying or the way in which we're saying it will impact someone, but we should be aware that words are powerful.

Friends forgive words that we use in haste. Good friends anyway. They not only forgive, but understand because they love us...because they care about us, and because some of them choose to be permanent fixtures rather than simply passing through our life. I enjoy my words with my good friends because they know me well and enjoy, even share, my sarcasm and attitude, so I'm free to be myself and freely use both.

There are those that come and go in our life, sadly, and we can usually tell who these people will be because we catch ourselves weighing our words before we speak them. Not wanting to offend, not wanting to scare off by our true personality when we let our guard down...actually always a little afraid to let our guard down, we will constantly be aware of what we're saying but it's important to be honest in what we say and that we express our true feelings. I believe life is too short to constantly be on guard. I'll meet people and sometimes wonder what they're really like when they're 'themselves'. You can usually tell when someone isn't letting you see them as they really are, or as they really want to be. Sometimes it's a challenge though, or I find it to be so, to encourage those people to enjoy who they are and to care less of what others may think of them. It's sometimes hard to trust someone who never speaks their mind.

Then, there is also the type of person who simply lies, or avoids the truth. Though I've been this person before, and make no mistake, I made a sport out it before becoming a Christian some 26 years ago and I can understand how easy it is to let words mean so little to you, I will no longer allow it in my life, or those who do. This is a hard lesson to learn and even harder standard to live by. Because we humans are an emotional creature, we take some words to heart, count on them...and trust them. But you learn in life who will take the high road, and who will not. I'm not afraid of heights.

Just a thinkin'

2009-07-26T22:14:00.007-05:00

I wonder, sometimes...not all the time, but sometimes, what it is that makes us tick. As for me, and as it's been pointed out lately, I consider it to all be about me (no Katy, this isn't about you or the shirt you sent me), but I do wonder, sometimes, why we each choose as we do.

Some choose the easy roads in life. Regardless of what the day brings, they take the easiest way possible. Does that ever work out? Don't know, NEVER TRIED IT. I know several who have, though, and they honestly seem to be happy with whatever life brings them.

Some choose the hardest road possible. Their life is constantly full of turmoil and they never seem to do anything but complain. I know several of these people, also. Many times I'll want to say "why didn't you just..." but I've learned by now that it would have been an easier route and less for them to complain about, so I just let it go.

Then, there are some who actually try to use logic. What would happen if...what would have the best chance of working out if... I probably fit best in this category. Sadly. I'm a thinker, though some would beg to differ.

Lately, though, I'm pondering the choices we make and why. Is it easier to take the easiest way possible and be concerned with tomorrow should it ever show up? Is it best to make it as hard as possible for ourselves and spend all of our time worrying over things we have no control over. Or, is it best to 'ponder'...consider our options, and try to plan not only for the worst, but for the best that could happen?

Not really a serious post...just a wondering...because that's what I do. When I'm not all consumed with myself, of course.

Welcome Home

2009-07-21T14:46:00.008-05:00

My ex mom-in-law passed away in her sleep very early Monday morning. I know the last time I wrote about my mom-in-law, the boys and I had had our feelings hurt when we'd asked to visit and she told us no. I'll admit it hurt our feelings, and that I have hoped for the past 3 years that she'd call. Regardless, I loved my mom-in-law. For the 22 years leading up to this, she'd been one of my closest friends.

When Mark and I met, I'd been bartending and going to a local bible college. Mark's parents were both Christians, coming from a strong baptist background. The first time Mark told them about me, he described me as five years older than himself with some gray hair and a bartender. This was a joke through the years of what they were expecting, but they put their arms around me and welcomed me into their family the first time I met them.

Mark's mom always reminded me a little bit of Scarlett O'Hara. She was a 'southern lady'. Never saw her when she didn't look put together. Her clothes were always perfect, her nails were perfect, her make-up perfect and her hair, seriously, her hair was always perfect. Her voice was always soft, and it should go without saying that her manners, well, a southern lady through and through.

I'd asked my mom-in-law to accompany me on a cruise a few years ago. Seven days sharing a room with the bathroom the size of a hall closet and we did nothing but laugh. It was one of the best times I've ever had. We made friends with people from both our age groups, we took wine tasting classes, we drank and we gambled. I think I may have enjoyed it more than the cruises I took with my husband and kids. My mom-in-law could have a good time.

I'm not one to mourn death because I know without a doubt where one passes over to, and it's nothing to mourn but something to rejoice. My mom-in-law believed as I did, we discussed it many times, the joy of being in the presence of God. I rejoice knowing that she is with our Lord, reunited with her loved ones who'd passed before her and look forward to being with her again. However, I know the void her children will feel with her absence here and for that I'm truly sorry. I'm also sorry that the boys and I never got to hear her laugh, feel her arms around us or tell her that we loved her again. I will continue, as I have these past three years, to miss her. But, I know that she is full of joy, probably dancing and praising along side the angels and, as we all long to be, she is home.

Dreams To Remember

2009-07-19T19:51:00.018-05:00

I love how life is constantly teaching us lessons. Oh, we're a stubborn lot, but given enough time, we learn. Maybe it's because some of us are dreamers that it's so hard for us to learn, or to see something that's so obvious to everyone else. Dreamers; but who doesn't love to dream? Who doesn't try to believe...hope, dream for what our heart wants, regardless of how obvious life's truth may be.

I dream. I hope. I believe in what my heart keeps holding out for. It's my choice to wait for what I believe in, what I dream of, what I hope for. No one knows what I feel inside. No one knows but me. I have come to realize, however, that lessons of the heart are the hardest to learn. I can't count the times people have told me to let my guard down, take a chance...lower my defenses. There are reasons it's so hard for me. Good reasons.

So many good men have wasted their time on me. Though I've never lied to them, never encouraged them with hopes for more than I'm able to give them, I do sometimes wish I were able to feel more for them than what has came natural to me. I know that I'm capable of it. I know what it is that I want to feel...how I want someone to make me feel when they look at me, touch me, how I want to be moved by the simple sound of their voice.

I recently attended the wedding of a couple a little older than myself. The second marriage for the bride, the third for the groom and, as they declared in their vows, the last for each of them. I'd never met them before, I was a guest...a 'plus one' of a friend, but the bride and I talked at the reception. She told me that my friend was very fond of me; I smiled and assured her that friends were all we were. She told me "I know what you mean. I kissed a lot of frogs waiting for my prince to show up".

That's what I'm doing, I'm waiting for my prince to show up. I'm a dreamer, and I don't mind dreaming. Actually, I enjoy a good dream. But, sometimes, dreams are all that some of them are...just dreams. And that's a painful lesson. But, while I wait, I do have a few good dreams to remember.

What If

2009-07-14T20:59:00.005-05:00

All children dream. The youngest child will live within an imagination that we are not able to begin to imagine as adults. What did we dream about? What were our imaginings when we were young? The mind of a child is so full of dreams, nothing is impossible. Nothing. To the innocent, the world awaits their laugh and each moment is another opportunity to smile.

When do we begin to lose that? When do we first hear words that diminish those imaginings, that bring doubt to those beliefs that all is possible? What if we were never told that things were impossible to us? What if we were always encouraged to seek after those imaginings, regardless of the magnitude of the dream? What if the world were shaped by our reality instead of our being shaped by it's reality. What an amazing world is possible if we listen to our hearts instead of the man on the radio, the woman on the television or to anyone but the Voice within our spirit.

I reflect on the dreams I've had, on the expectations I've had of myself; not only from when I was younger, but the dreams I still have late at night when my mind is quiet and the world isn't allowed in. The dreams that my heart still nourishes with hope.

Far from childhood, far from innocent, I still find my hiding place in hope and I continue to dream. Let the reality of this world hit me with it's best shot. I will continue to laugh and I will continue to smile. Not because I hide from reality, but because I choose my reality.

If ever...

2009-07-11T22:53:00.005-05:00

I may have a hard time settling down, maybe I'm just hard to please, I don't know. I've actually had someone tell me that lately, but regardless, should I ever have someone touch my heart like this man does when he sings, I'm theirs.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lzul5rxd-i8

Funnies

2009-07-03T11:07:00.002-05:00

My good friend, Tom, posted these a long time ago on my blog. Recently came across them again, still made me laugh. Hope they make you laugh too.

1. How many men does it take to open a beer?None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to you.
2. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
3. Why do women have smaller feet than men?So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
4. How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
5. How do you fix a woman's watch?You don't, there's a clock on the oven!
6. Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're gonna to want to shoot it.
7. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.
8. All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
9. I know it's missing...
10. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?A woman that won't do what she's told.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?Divorced.
14. Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
15. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%:Wedding cake.
16. Marriage is a 3 ring circus:Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
17. The last fight was my fault! My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
18. In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth and rested.Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
19. My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.
20. Why do men die before their wives?They want to.
21. What is the difference between a dog and a fox?5 drinks!!!
22. A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "My God, I wish I had your willpower."
23. Do you know the punishment for bigamy??Two mothers-in-law.
24. Young Son: "Dad is it true, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't KNOW his wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That happens in every country, son."
25. A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted". The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing, "You can have mine."
26. A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."
27. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
28. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Turn Around

2009-06-24T18:34:00.007-05:00

When sleep is suppose to come, it doesn't.
I lay awake and I wonder why. I have so many questions, so many why's, that I get lost.
I can't ask you because I no longer trust you.
Trust is something I'd thought was one of our strongest bonds, but now it's possibly our weakest link.
I wonder where you went, the you I knew so well...the you I've held, the you I've confided in, the you that I'd, still, give my life for.
Your laugh was the sound that made my heart dance.
Your tears have torn at the very core of my soul.

I miss you to the point where it physically hurts.

I will love you always.
Even though you may not understand my actions, know that my love is as strong today as it has ever been.
That, I promise you, will never change.
But for now, I will step into the shadows of the life you're living, because I can not walk beside you where you are.
When you notice that I am no longer beside you and you choose to return to me, I will be there for you.
I look forward to being there for you when, once again, my heart can dance in the sound of your laughter and my soul may rejoice in the man I know you can be.

My Graduate

2009-06-16T22:01:00.016-05:00

Charlie is now a high school graduate. My Charlie...is not so much 'my' Charlie anymore, but his own man. As hard as it is for me to step back and give him room to, as a friend told me, test his own wings, I am trying. I am trying very, very hard. Fortunately, Charlie is patient with me.

Charlie hasn't decided what he wants to do yet. He was blessed to get a job that he loves several months ago at a veterinarian's office as a vet tech. I was surprised at this, because, of course, he's never had any schooling in this area. However, he took to the job quickly and loves it. He assists in surgery, gives shots, draws blood and the like. I'm very proud of the job he's doing. He still practices with several bands and I'm hoping that is where his path leads him. It's not just the mother in me that tells you he is an amazing guitarist and that he has the perfect stage personality; people love him wherever he performs and he gets a lot of requests from varying bands to perform with them. He talks about enrolling in the local college for fall, and I'd like to see that happen as well. This past week, he's been dividing his time between living with his dad and living with me. I had thought that he was going to live with his dad full time for awhile, but he's not ready. I'm not sure I am either, so we're apparently taking it a couple of days at a time. When he's not here, I actually enjoy my alone time, but when he comes home it tears at my heart to see him drive away.

In celebration of Charlie's graduation, I'm going to reminisce with a few of Charlie stories.

Casey's first day of kindergarten was hard for me. As Charlie and I left him at the school, I began to tear up. I did manage to hold it together until we were in the car and I let some tears fall. I sat there for a moment or two, and felt Charlie's little hand patting mine. When I looked at him, he said "Don't worry, Mama, we'll get him back". Thanks Charlie, I've gotten much comfort from you over the years.

The only time Charlie has ever gotten into real trouble was when he was in the 8th grade. He walked into a locker room after football practice one afternoon to find a circle of boys bullying one of the smaller kids on the team. He stepped in front of the smaller boy and apparently took on the circle of bullies. The leader of the 'pack' told Charlie to stay out of it and Charlie started to help the smaller kid step out of the circle the other boys had formed around him. The leader punched Charlie from behind, a fight ensued consisting of Charlie throwing one punch and it was over. The school system has the no tolerance policy and the police were called. Charlie and the other boy were both written tickets. The offer was made to either plead guilty, pay a fine and child along with parents attend six weeks of anger management or to go to court. The other child's family chose the option to pay the fine and go to anger management courses, which were probably needed. Charlie insisted he'd done nothing wrong, and we backed him. We went to court. Not one coach would agree to testify against Charlie. They'd not seen the fight, but had talked to all the boys in the locker room and they all told us how proud of Charlie they were. Not one of the campus police would testify against Charlie, they told us the same thing the coaches had told us. So, the day we went to court, the city's prosecuting attorney told the court that they were dropping the charges against Charlie for lack of evidence, and the attorney told us how everyone they'd talked to had given nothing but high praise for Charlie. Charlie has always stood up for the underdog, regardless of the personal cost to himself. I have always admired this quality in Charlie.

Charlie's senior class had over 1,400 kids in it. The graduation was held, as Casey's was, at UNT (University of North Texas) where Casey will be a junior this next year. Casey and I struggled to find a seat because, as is my norm, we were a tad late and the place was packed. We ended up in the high bleachers at the very front of the students, but there was a large screen hanging down between us and the class, and we couldn't see many of them. I had brought my binoculars (and seriously, at least seven people borrowed them) and we searched through row upon row of students looking for Charlie. After awhile, even though I'd raised this kid for 18 1/2 years, they all started to look alike. After three or four speeches from people I barely knew and kids I'd never heard of, the first few rows started lining up alphabetically. Fortunately, that put Charlie in the first 20 minutes or so of students. Each student would walk up to the principal, shake his hand with one hand as they received their diploma with the other. They'd face the camera and smile, which was being shown on the big screen right in front of Casey and I, and it was perfect. Turns out it couldn't have been better seats. We sat through at least 20 minutes of kids shaking the principals hand and smiling for the camera. We finally spotted Charlie in line, and when they announced his name, I honestly developed a knot in my throat. As he walked up to the principal, the principal opened his arms and Charlie walked into them. They hugged each other for several seconds. The principal patted Charlie's back and they separated as he handed Charlie his diploma and they shook hands; all the while being projected on this huge screen in front of me. It was then that I heard someone shouting Charlie's name and I saw Casey beside me, on his feet, shouting and clapping for his brother. I don't think I'll ever forget this night. How blessed I am is beyond description.

Congratulations Charlie. You have enriched my life with each day of yours.

Ponderings of reflections in my life

2009-06-08T23:16:00.008-05:00

I would watch the reflection of the moon as it danced on the expansive face of the ocean. It was my habit, when I lived in Florida, to end every evening sitting on the beach in St. Petersburg, as the moon would lower itself ever so slowly over the body of water that I loved, the ocean. As the moon got lower and lower, the water became blacker and blacker, turning itself into the perfect reflection for the moon to set upon. I would sit there to watch the day end. There would come a point to where it was nearly impossible to tell where the moon ended and the water began. To this day, it's the most beautiful sight I remember.

Each of us have a moon in our life. Something that we reflect until it's impossible to tell where that reflection ends and we, ourselves, begin. Whether it's a job, a relationship or our status in life. We're all a reflection of something. I try to be a reflection of Christ. I like to believe that it's impossible to tell where Christ ends and I begin, that His reflection is all consuming. But I can tell, I can tell where He ends and I begin. Just as I can tell where my reflection of a mother stops and the woman begins, I can tell. There are many things in my life that I am a reflection of, but there is always a point where the reflection belongs to reflector, and I must accept that I am the reflected. Blessed to be, but merely the reflected.

Still, it pleasures me to believe that it is often nearly impossible to tell where a few reflections end and where I begin. The reflection of all things good, all things honest, all things pure.

Sometimes we are the moon and sometimes we are the water. I see myself reflected in my children, my speech in many of my friends, my character in my writing. Where we end or where we begin, I suppose, depends on how we appreciate what we see. I ponder what I see, what I reflect upon and what I'm a reflection of. The choice of what we reflect and what we are a reflection of will always be ours, if we allow ourselves to see clearly.

Dreamers, each of us

2009-06-03T15:37:00.005-05:00

Young girls dream. To a young girl, anything is possible, even if someone tries to stifle their spirit, young girls will dream. Most young girls dream of growing up to be like their mommy. They play dress up; they put on their mommy's high heeled shoes, put on their mommy's make-up in the way only a child can, and they dream. They dream of being a mommy themselves, gingerly caring for their baby dolls. They dream of a man loving them, as they've seen their father caring for their mother. Yes, young girls are great dreamers.

By the time a young girl becomes a young woman, she's seen that life isn't as perfect as it was in her days of make believe. Young men have brought reality into the realm of their imagination. They've been introduced to the reality of heartache and heartbreak. Most young women have cried themselves to sleep, holding their pillow tightly and hoping that someone who had loved them yesterday would love them again tomorrow. Regardless of how much they've been hurt, soon there will be the smile of someone new that will turn their pain into hope...excitement, and give them reason to dream...again.

As women, most of us have known real heartache, had our heart broken by someone we'd trusted with it, and as much as we've tried to stay open to the dream of true love, we're weary. I've known women who believe they love every man they go out with, I've known women who occasionally toy with the idea of love and I've known women who run with all the force that is in them in the opposite direction of any hint of love.

But somewhere, deep in the heart of every woman, is that little girl that dreams. Somewhere inside each of us, that young woman still yearns to feel the stirring of hope and excitement when someone new catches her attention. Regardless of what life has brought us through, the memory of what is possible is resilient.

Dreamers, each of us.

I still dare to dream.

When God Laughs

2009-05-27T06:36:00.005-05:00

I do believe God has a great sense of humor. I believe this with all of my heart. And, sometimes, I believe that when we find ourselves on a road in our life that we'd have sworn we'd never take, that God laughs; He laughs because He knows that this was the road He'd intended for us from the very beginning...that all the other roads in our life had been leading us to this one.

We are such arrogant creatures.

Tell me...

2009-05-19T18:12:00.006-05:00

...how is it possible that there are minutes that last for hours, and yet hours that disappear in a minute.

Something I read today that melted my heart: ' That's a current that flows both ways '. If I live beyond desire, I'll never forget those words.

Learning to trust

2009-05-17T16:22:00.006-05:00

The small lake was clear enough to where the fish could not hide themselves and the water welcomed my toes with it's coolness. The acreage around the lake lush and green and wildflowers marked their territory with colors indescribable. Trees surrounded this area as if they were protecting it from an outside world, an outside world that I, too, have needed protection from.

I have revisited this place in my mind and in my heart many times over the years. It brings me peace and calms my soul when I, at times, feel under attack from a world that holds me in such little regard, where I am often but an unknown casualty in the greater scheme of things. And yet, I am blessed because I have this place to retreat to.

When I find myself in my 'safe place', I feel that I am in the palm of God's hands. I can clearly picture myself in this place, all being supported in the midst of His hands cupped together. This is where I am safe.

I've never considered there being anyone with me in my 'safe place'. As a child, our safe place should be with our parents. I know that I have been a safe place for my children while they were growing up and still, when they are hit with one of the world's hardballs, I'm the one they come to. However, I didn't have that growing up in my household. In my household, it was my parents that I needed a safe place from. I remember retreating to a small room in my mind where nothing could hurt me as I grew up. I retreated there many times and it is one of the few things I remember well. And...other times I ran. The first time I ran away my father found me on a country road leading to our house on his way home long after dark one night. I carried a Barbie doll case filled with clothes and toys that my mother had helped me pack when she told me to get out. I was four years old. Unfortunately, I kept that way of dealing with hurt...with pain, for many years of my life; I ran. Sometimes, of late, I've noticed that I still tend to run. Not pack and move anymore, but to stop and emotionally leave abruptly. To call it quits and attempt to remove it from my mind.

Today I heard a teaching on trust. Trust has never been my strong suit. I've trusted God, and God alone. But letting someone else into our life means allowing ourselves to trust, listening to that inner spirit that God has instilled with-in all of us to trust. Will that trust always be upheld? No, that would be impossible because man is not God and God alone is without fault. But trusting is a learning experience that we build on. Build relationships, build futures, build our very life on. Can I do that? I'd like to try, but right now, to be honest, it scares me greatly to think of trusting someone...anyone, with what goes on in my mind and in my heart. It's safer for me to retreat to the lake, with my feet skimming the water, and my soul at rest knowing that nothing, nothing can hurt me there.

Am I ready to trust someone else besides God? Am I willing to trust someone with the power to hurt me? I'm honestly not sure, but I may be ready to try. I pray, I pray a lot and fortunately God gives us unlimited minutes in prayer. Lately, when I pray, I've been hearing that word, 'trust' in my spirit. As is my stubborn nature, I've, in my own way, agreed that I will...future tense, start trusting. The lesson I heard this morning stressed to me that it is a now thing. It hit home with me because I've been receiving it in prayer and today was a confirmation as to what I'd been hearing in my spirit. Trust. My safe place, the lake and all it represents, is a nice place to visit...occasionally, but I can't live there anymore.

So, here I am, to me...naked. I will make a strong effort to trust whom my inner spirit leads me to trust. If I get hurt, you will share it with me. This, after nearly five years of knowing most of you, I do trust. And though I may tread lightly at first, I'll tread. I'll put my toes into the lake of the world and hope that the world is as welcoming as my safe place. If not, I trust that you will be.

Kids Say The Darndest Things

2009-04-18T17:30:00.002-05:00

I remember watching this at night with my family...times have changed. And yes, I'm really that old!

The Importance of Toothpaste.

2009-03-25T16:38:00.006-05:00

I pulled my shopping cart into the only lane open. The conveyor was full of food, more than full, it was packed. A cart was pushed up against the side, about two feet back from the checker. The checker was scanning the items as quickly as she could, but there wasn't a customer around. I pulled up behind the nearly empty cart. Still inside the cart was aluminum foil, toothpaste, mouth wash and two sacks of disposable razors. Soon a man appears with his arms full of steaks. He smiled at me as he stepped around my cart and loaded them onto the conveyor. I expected him to put the rest of the items from the cart onto the converyor, but instead he steps around the cart, starts taking the bags that have already been filled and puts them on top of the items in the cart. I know I looked at him rather oddly, because there wasn't anyway possible he couldn't see he was putting bags on top of the things already in his cart. He put about three bags on top of them as he kept looking at me watching him. I wondered to myslef, with the large bulk of items he was buying, why he'd risk stealing the few measly items he was trying so hard not to pay for. Finally, he sort of exhales loudly and takes the items out from under the sacks and puts them on the conveyor...everything except for the toothpaste. He never looked back at me to see if I noticed it or not, but there wasn't anyway he could have missed it.

When the clerk is finished and his cart is full of sacks, all sitting neatly on top of that lone toothpaste in the bottom of the cart, she gives him his total amount. He pulls out the Texas Star card, which is the card that Texas uses for it's version of food stamps. He slides it through the debit/credit card machine and the clerk gives him the total amount still due. She tells him the amount still due is for the aluminum foil, the mouth wash and the two sacks of disposable razors. Apparently the Texas Star program only covers food and beverages. He asked her to please take those items off of his total as he dug through his sacks to locate each of the items and handed them back to her.

I'm glad he got to keep the toothpaste.

Singing the 'Used Car Salesman' blues

2009-03-03T12:06:00.013-06:00

First, let me make it clear that I'm not against all used car salesman. Last year when I bought my 2007 Kia Spectra EX with 9,000 miles on it, I enjoyed the whole experience with CarMax (other than that little hiccup with the whole AirCheck thing, which wasn't the fault of CarMax in any way) and I absolutely love my car. With that said, I'll continue.

After a few weeks of searching for Charlie a car with the $2,000 I had, I was pretty frustrated. Every car we called on was either sold, or seriously misrepresented. Cars from Auto Trader and Craig's List that said they were in great shape were missing a couple of tires, had warning lights lit up or the hood wired shut. I know $2,000 doesn't buy much, but it would be nice to think it bought a little bit of honesty. This was a frustrating experience for both Charlie and myself. Kid is 18 and it's his first car. It's been so difficult for him to find a job without a car and trust me, he has tried. I owed this money to Charlie. When Mark left and I didn't have a job, we used the bonds my dad had left Charlie to live on and I've been paying him back since. This was the last $2,000 I owed him. Casey had cashed his in for his car repairs (engine and brakes) and to help some with college. So, I didn't buy Charlie this car. Just to make it clear. I owed Charlie this car. Actually, I look at it as Mark should owe it to him...but I'm living in reality here, because since he's not covering what he owes in child support, well, his view of right and wrong tends to get a little mixed up. I feel bad enough that I've had to turn him over to the state for being so far behind in support and dropping the kid's health insurance...silly me.
Anyway, back to Charlie and the car. Finally I saw a great looking deal at an on-line site for one of our large, local car dealerships, Rodeo Ford Plano. Of course, when I called them, that car had 'just' been sold but they had many others for that price that were just about as nice. I've since learned this as the bait and switch trick...over a week later, it's still on their ad. But anyway, I went to look at them on my lunch hour and well...none of them compared but I've learned that $2,000 just doesn't buy much. I emphasised that I had $2,000, that was all I had. That I was a single mom and I could not afford to buy a car that was going to need any repair. They completely understood (don't laugh). Mark took Charlie up to look at them while I went back to work and I met them there after I got off. They'd sold Charlie on a 1998 Ford Explorer with 165,000 miles on it. Mark said they'd driven it, that it drove good and that Charlie had fallen in love with it. Of course. So, Charlie and I sat there for the next 3 hours while we did all the paper work (which, when I'm paying cash, I don't get why it takes so long) and they cleaned and prepared the car. They had said that the passenger side door handle on the inside was off track and they were going to repair it. They showed us before we left that it worked. Well...Charlie being an 18 year old boy...young man...man, whatever, he headed off to pick up his girlfriend. The first time she used the door handle to get out of the car, it broke. When Charlie got home, we found out that when you lock the car, the passenger side doesn't lock. Even if you manually pushed down the lock, it didn't lock. Which, as it turned out, was a good thing because when you locked the car, the drivers side door did not unlock. Not with the remote. Not with the key. Nothing. Charlie drove it back up the next day after school and I met him there on my lunch hour. They looked at it and told me it would cost $1,000 to repair. Charlie knew I didn't have this money, and we asked if they'd refund us our money and they did. Which, I'm thankful to them because we did sign an 'as is' form. We did have it for less than 24 hours, but checking into Texas law, that was our problem and not theirs. So, thanks Rodeo for at least doing the right thing in refunding our money.

Next we were on our way to Bonham Chrysler. Now, I'd called on a car in their ad on Autotrader.com. Of course, it had been sold but one of their salesman, Erik, called me back and tells me about a 1993 Nissan they'd just got in that was in really great shape. I explained to him that, again, I only had $2,000 to spend and could not afford a car that was going to need any repair. I know I must seem really naive, but this is the truth, I don't have any extra to spend for repairs or to replace a bald tire. Erik told me this car was in great shape and he said 'I'd feel comfortable putting my grandmother in this car'. Seriously, maybe I am naive. I mean, I recognized that as a line, but there was a bit of hope in me, too. So, Charlie and I headed out to Bonham. From Plano, where we were, it took us over an hour to get there, and we did try not to get our hopes up, but we'd became very tired of looking and getting disappointed. When we got to Bonham Chrysler, we found our car that Erik had told us about in a lot that they call the Cash Corral. It's a Nissan Maxima and has 171,000 miles on it. I told them the mileage set off warning alarms in my head but they told me that Nissans ran forever if taken care of and this one was in great shape. Erik showed us the engine (as if we'd know anything) and Charlie and I took it for a ride. Charlie said it ran good and he liked it. It's a good looking car, not a dent or scratch on it. Inside it's in really good condition, looks like it'd been well cared for. I asked if it'd been checked, all the fluids good and the oil clean (that's the most I know to do, besides seeing the tires are all in really good shape) and Erik said yes and the oil had been changed.
Well...go figure. After driving it home the hour or so, you could smell some oil burning. I took it this weekend to Midas to have a maintenance check done and they showed us that the engine had a lot of oil splatter. They said the oil and filter were both filthy and showed them to me. I told them we'd had the car only a couple of days and I'd been told by the dealership that it had just had an oil change. They told me I was lied to. They said that it desperately needs an oil pan gasket and both oil valve cover gaskets. I'm fairly certain of those terms, as I said, all greek to me. What isn't greek is the $800+ it's going to cost to repair it. I asked if it was something that could have just happened and they actually laughed. No, they said, it'd been like this for awhile and they said there wasn't any way the dealership could not have not been aware of it.
So, I'm guessing maybe Erik doesn't have the fondest of feelings for his grandmother.

Regardless, I've emailed Bonham Chrysler and hopefully they'll either help Charlie get into something that doesn't need repair or they'll fix it for Charlie at a discounted price. I had checked Bonham Chrysler out on-line with the BBB and they had an A+ rating. Goes to show that you can't always count on BBB's ratings. The slogan on Bonham Chrysler's website is 'family values, country prices'. I don't know anything about country prices, but I can tell you without a doubt that their family values are different from my family's values.

I'm not going to hold these experiences against all used car sales or salesmen. My experience with CarMax was exceptional and far outweighs the negatives we've experienced the last few weeks. I'm just saying that some people should really be ashamed of themselves. If I had to lie for a living, I'd be dead broke...in spirit and pocket.

** I'm updating this on 08/30/09. Bonham never offered us any help. They never returned my calls or my emails. A month after we had the car, Charlie went to have it inspected and it failed. We called and spoke with Erik and he told Charlie to bring the car to Bonham and it would pass inspection there because they don't have the same requirements as Collin County, where we live. (As a side note, I had talked not only to Erik, but to the gentleman who processed us when we bought the car, and had discussed where we lived and how far we had driven to get there. They knew exactly where we lived.) Charlie drove the hour it takes to get to Bonham and attempted to have it inspected, only to be told that since he didn't live in that county, they could not inspect it. Charlie drove the car to Bonham Chrysler and spoke to Erik in person. He said he couldn't help Charlie, but told him that his mother (that would be me) had emailed a letter to Bonham Chrysler complaining about him. So, he got Charlie to drive a 2 hour round trip, knowing that he wasn't going to help him and why? For revenge because his mother complained, rightfully so, to his employer?
We put a new catalytic converter on the car, new spark plugs and wires, a new muffler, and still the car would not pass inspection. Charlie would have this car inspected every two weeks so it would be legal to drive and we'd fix whatever we could afford as they told us why it was failing inspection. Finally, we were able to sell the car for $500, and trust me, it wasn't worth that much. But I promise you this, the people who bought the car did so knowing exactly what they were getting and we gave them full disclosure of what we knew was wrong with it. It's just too bad that Bonham Chrysler wasn't as honest.

Regrets

2009-02-25T21:28:00.004-06:00

I heard him sigh as he walked away,
his hands balled into fists.
I knew that it would be the last time I'd see him,
but I couldn't say a word to stop him.

I had loved him completely.
I'd loved him with all that was in me.
For the first time in my life
I'd let all my defenses fall...or so I had thought.

Because on that day when he asked,
on that day that he promised,
I said no
and I watched him walk away.

His sigh echoed my heartbreaking.
His clenched fists mirrored my distress.
But I couldn't say a word to stop him.
My fear had set him free.

I'm calling about your ad...

2009-02-23T06:48:00.002-06:00

I've been looking at cars for Charlie all week. With what I have to spend, the choices are limited. What I've spent the last week learning the most is how dishonest some people can be. I know people are just trying to make money, and believe me, I understand the need to make money, but to be so dishonest...hard to make excuses for them.

One thing I've learned that helps weed out some of the dishonest people is to tell them up front that I'll be taking it to a mechanic before I buy it. When they hesitate to agree to that stipulation, I know it's time to say goodbye.

Pray that we would have favor as our search continues.

Excuse Me?

2009-02-20T16:59:00.001-06:00

I'm sorry, New York Post, we can't hear you when you whisper.

Offensive

2009-02-19T08:55:00.002-06:00

Shame on you, New York Post, for fanning the fire of racism in our country. Free speech or not, shame on you.

In One Word

2009-02-16T16:13:00.003-06:00

Got this from my friend, M. Wouldn't think of leaving her hangin'. :)

1. Where is your cell phone? Desk
2. Your significant other? Where?
3. Your hair? Stubborn
4. Your mother? Sad
5. Your father? Racist
6. Your favorite? Kids
7. Your dream last night? Forget
8. Your favorite drink? Water
9. Your dream/goal? Stability
10. What room you are in? Office
11. Your hobby? Photography
12. Your fear? Refuse
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Heaven
14. Where were you last night? Home
15. Something that you aren't? Liar
16. Muffin? Corn
17. Wish list item? Savings
18. Where you grew up? Mayberry
19. Last thing you did? Phone
20. What are you wearing? Scrubs
21. Your TV? Record
22. Your pets? Excessive
23. Friends? Few
24. Your life? Blessed
25. Your mood? Hopeful
26. Missing someone? Casey
27. Car? Own
28. Something you're not wearing? Rings
29. Your favorite store? Antiques
30. Your favorite color? None
33. When is the last time you laughed? Today
34. Last time you cried? Yesterday
35. Who will resend this? Clueless
36. One place that I go to over and over? Home

The Voice (part 2)

2009-02-09T15:20:00.008-06:00

Again, I published a post without meaning to. I hadn't even realized I'd posted the last one till a friend emailed her experience with the Voice. Maybe someone needed it at that time, God's got His own timing and it's always perfect. Mine...not so much.

There was a vision that came with His words to me that day last week. It was one of driving into a fog knowing what was on the other side of it; even though I couldn't see it I knew what was there. I wasn't afraid because I knew that I knew that I knew what was on the other side of the fog. That's the way trials are in our life. He encourages us to not lose our faith when we're faced with adversity, when Satan puts a smokescreen between us and the blessings that God has for us, because even if we can not see them...no matter how long it's been that we've not been able to see them, they are still there. If I chose not to drive into the fog out of fear, even though I knew what was on the other side, I'd never get there. God isn't going to pick my car up (I'm talking metaphors here) and put me down on the other side. I've got to drive through it in faith.

What's on the other side of the fog? The smokescreen? Those trials and tribulations? I don't know. I don't need to. He knows. Could be the answer to all my financial woes, could be the man of my dreams, could be heaven waiting on me. I don't know and it doesn't matter because it's God's plan for me and I trust Him.

So...I'm in a bit of fog. So...the devil has put up a smokescreen to camouflage the blessings God has for me. Okay. What God has for me, be it blessings here or a trip home to heaven, it's still there regardless of whether I can see it or not. How arrogant of me to assume that because my eyes can't see it, that it would mean it's not there. Daily I renew my trust in the Lord, with all of my heart, and refuse to lean on my own understanding, because sometimes I honestly don't have a clue. But He does. So, I'm keepin' on. Trusting...because He spoke to me. Again.

The Voice (thanks, M.)

2009-02-04T16:29:00.003-06:00

I've often written about God talking to me. Sometimes after quiet meditation or prayer I'll get bits of 'wisdom' or sometimes I've even felt like I've been lovingly scolded...and then sometimes it's like today.
I was in the lunch room by myself, and as I bowed my head to bless my food He said "look through the smokescreen, what I have for you is there regardless of what you see with your natural eyes". What?? I wasn't thinking about anything but blessing my food. I love it when He does this. The first time I heard God's voice was that first time I'd ever entered a church in 1983, I believe it was 1983. As I stood in the back of the church I felt someone physically tap my shoulder and say "throw the drugs down the toilet when you get home, you don't need them anymore". There was no one behind me. I did what I was told and for the first time in 13 years, I overcame my addiction to speed. So, I know that voice and I've learned to listen to it.

House with teens

2009-01-25T20:41:00.005-06:00

Charlie and his girlfriend, Krystin.

Keith, one of Charlies's best friends, and Liz

...and finally, Charlie and Porter

Are you serious?

2009-01-23T16:15:00.004-06:00

As I've told y'all before, I work for an office of five ob-gyns. I could write an entire blog about the different calls I get. Some would make you laugh, some would make you cry and then there are those that make you just go...huh??

Yesterday I got a call from a woman who was calling in for her friend who didn't speak very good English but wanted to make an appointment as a new patient. I asked her what kind of insurance her friend had. "She doesn't have any insurance" she answered. I asked her if her friend needed a quote of how much the visit would cost her and she said "she doesn't have any money, she can't pay you anything. If she had money to pay you, she could afford insurance". So, I thought that maybe it was an emergency. I asked what the appointment was for and she said "for infertility, she's having trouble getting pregnant".

I kid you not.

Can't hear this enough...

2009-01-11T00:40:00.001-06:00

He Wants To Serve

2009-01-06T16:36:00.005-06:00

I remember several years ago kidding with my friend, Dale,who lives in Canada, that I would take my boys and move there before I'd let one of them be drafted. Not that I don't believe in serving our country, but because I don't think I could go four years without breathing. As it turns out, I may be testing that whole not breathing for four years thing after all. Charlie has decided that he wants to put off college until after he serves our country in the Marines.

We're visiting recruiters of all the branches, mostly at my insistence, because I want him to be aware of all his options. Apparently, when he turned 18, they are his options now and not mine, because mine would be for him to go to college, get a great education, then a great job and then begin to raise a family.

I know legally that 18 is considered a man. I'm sure most moms would agree with me that that is not always the case.

Still my baby

2008-12-22T16:00:00.005-06:00

Charlie's birthday is Wednesday, Christmas eve. My baby will turn 18 years old. How is it possible that he is legally a man when it seems like yesterday he was barely knee high with his little arms stretched up at me wanting me to pick him up and carry him everywhere? Where is the little guy that would curl up in my lap and fall asleep while I played with his hair or scratched his back? What I would give to have one week of that time back. One week of his taking my face in his precious little hands, making me look him right in the eyes as he'd give me a kiss and say 'I love you Mama'. One week of his dressing up in the craziest outfits, from the cardboard pop carton torn just enough to be worn as a hat to the bike helmet with water goggles. He still has that imagination. He still has that same sweet spirit and gentle nature that he had as a child. Somewhere in that 6'1" frame of what is legally an adult is my little boy...and my little boy he will always be. Always.

Happy Birthday Charlie.

Barack Obama

2008-11-05T17:56:00.001-06:00

I didn't vote for him, but I respect his postion of authority and the office in which he serves. Above all things, I am forever thankful that God is in control.

Call Me Crazy

2008-10-31T15:00:00.009-05:00

There has been a lot of things going on in our lives lately, and I'll blog about it soon. Just not right now. What I do want to share with y'all is the craziness that is invading my life the last few months. Now, I'm fully aware that by sharing this, some are going to shake their heads and call me crazy. Those who know me will believe me and yet still shake their heads and call me crazy. Doesn't matter, it's all true.

If I remember correctly, I believe the first incident happened about 3 months ago. I was going out to my car one morning to leave for work and saw a huge limb, probably 12 ft long, in the middle of my yard. It had apparently came off of the tree next to my drive and had been drug to the middle of my yard. I went to check out my car to see if it'd been damaged and behind my car was a 3 x 5 ft. pile of sticks and branches. A pile as if it were made for a bonfire or something, perfectly square and about 2 ft. high. I called Charlie because he'd just been picked up about 15 minutes before I'd gone outside by his ride to go to school. He said the limb had been right behind my car and they'd pulled it to the middle of the yard so I could get out of the drive way. I asked him about the pile of wood behind my car and he asked his friend and told me neither one of them had seen anything behind my car. The only thing that had been there was the limb and they'd pulled it to the side. I told Charlie they had to have seen this pile of wood, that it was sitting directly behind my car and was a huge pile of wood. They said the only thing that was behind my car was that huge limb and it had taken the two of them to pull it into the middle of the yard because they knew it had me trapped in my driveway. He said if there had been a pile of wood, they'd have moved it too. This pile behind my car...it was man made...I promise you that.

Okay...I'm making a mountain out of molehill, right?

I started parking my car in the garage because apparently limbs are falling from my tree and arranging themselves in stacks. One morning a couple of Saturdays later, I was going out to my garage to get my car out and as I walked out my front door into my driveway...there sat a toilet. I'll give you a minute to let that soak in. A toilet was sitting in the very middle of my driveway. I kid you not. There wasn't a way I could back my car out of the garage because of this toilet and I had an appointment with my physical therapist for my knee, so I called Charlie who had spent the night with his band mates and asked if he knew when he'd be home so he could help me move a toilet out the driveway. He said 'what'? I told him the story and he didn't believe me. Yeah, I make this sort of stuff up a lot, thank you. No way I was going to move this with my knee, and since he doesn't drive and the guy driving him had gone to pick up someone, he said he'd be home as soon as he could but wasn't sure when. So...I called the city trash pick up. I told them someone had dropped a toilet off in my driveway and I needed it removed. They asked me to repeat it. I told them, again, that I'd gotten up to discover a toilet in the middle of my driveway. When I heard a bit of an echo and then laughter, I realized they had put me on speaker phone. I laughed and said that was very funny, but that the truth was that I had a pt appointment and had to get out of my garage and out of my driveway. They said they'd be by to pick it up. They also called back to make sure it hadn't been a prank call.

A couple of weeks later $40 went missing out my wallet. I tried to justify it by telling myself I'd lost it or something and got $40 more out of the bank because I needed to give Charlie $10 for gas money and that gave me a 20 and a 10. The next day that, too, was missing from my wallet. I was freaking out. All day I tried to figure out what was going on, how could that have happened. Later that night I was telling Charlie about it and he was saying I must've lost it in my bag somewhere. Okay, I do carry large bags, larger than most. I emptied everything out...nothing. Later that night I got my wallet out and was going through it, again, and saw just a bit of a corner of green sticking out from behind my drivers license. I pull out my drivers license and there is my money...folded up tightly into about a 1/2 in by 1/2 inch square. I unfolded it and it's all there. Someone had taken all of my money, and folded it up and hidden it behind my drivers license. I unfolded it and took it to show Charlie. He said I must've done it and forgot about it. Ladies, guys even, how many times have you ever taken money...folded it up unbelievably tight into a square and hidden it behind your license? I've never hidden money period, never had that much to spare to hide. So please, tell me, what's going on??

A few days after that, Charlie had came home from school and let our dogs out, let them back in and left. I was home about an hour later from work and let the dogs out again. When I went to let them back in, they were gone and both of the gates on our fence were open and the locks we'd had on them were gone. They hadn't been secure locks, but they were both gone. Fortunately someone found our dogs and we got them back 24 hours later, and I bought locks with keys for both of the gates. My fence is 6 ft tall. Someone climbed them, took the locks off from the inside and opened both gates. Why?

Twice this month someone has let the air (not all the air, but about 10 lbs) out of different tires on my car. Had them checked, nothing wrong with my tires. If it weren't for the aircheck that comes on in my car, I wouldn't have known.

This past Tuesday I was leaving work and when I opened my car door, there on my black floor mats were two perfect white footprints. Women's footprints. How do I know they were women's? They were pointed toes and extremely narrow heels, looked like pointed toe pumps. I wear size 9 Crocs to work and trust me on this, I was born with wide feet. Plus, there was a part missing from my car. Just one of those little flap covers in the back window that covers the seat release, but still, it was gone. I'd been looking at them a couple of days earlier thinking I needed to figure out how to use those because Charlie and I are moving and I needed to lay those seats down, so I know it was there. Just in case, even though no one ever gets in my back seat, I searched the car. Nowhere. When I got home I told Charlie about it and he insisted on seeing the footprints. You know he thought I was crazy. He looked at them, and said "Mom, someone has been in your car". I showed a lady I worked with, and she, too, said someone had to have been in my car because those prints couldn't belong to me. What I can't figure out (as if there is ONE thing I can't figure out) is what was the white stuff? There is nothing in our parking lot or at my home that is covered in white dust. It's almost as if it were done deliberately because they are perfect, side by side footprints. Not smeared, perfect...and just the two. I stopped by Kia on my way home last night and the parts guy looked at me like I was crazy when I told him my story. He said they'd have to order the part (turns out they had it, how cool is that?) but asked if he could see the prints. Okay. So I took him to look at the prints. He looked at what was left (probably 80% was left) and looked at my feet in Crocs ( hey, I wear scrubs to work!!) and plus the size of my feet and said "Do you lock your car?". Uh, yeah. Every single time. And even if I didn't ONCE, is it possible to believe that that ONE time someone would do this? The part cost me $9.00 and he put it in for me for free and told me to start watching where I park because someone is apparently able to get into my car. Thanks, this I know.

This morning I stumbled out of bed when the alarm went off, took two closed eyed steps into my bathroom and turned on the lights and POW, bright lights, glass shattering and then darkness. I'm still half asleep so I'm thinking I'd knocked over my bedside lamp, only then I realize I'm in my bathroom. I reach around the corner and turn on my bedside lamp, but nothing. I try my wall switch...nothing. I go to the fuse box and flip a switch and go back to see what happened in my bathroom. My overhead light...like a heat lamp light had apparently exploded. The glass covered my bathroom floor, in the shower and around the wall behind where I'd been standing. I am so blessed that nothing hit me, got in my eye or under foot. But still...how often does that happen? I've had the light burn out like normal lights over the years, but what makes a light explode like that? When Charlie got up I told him the strangest thing had happened. He said "Really mom? Stranger than the footprints in your car?" I dunno, you judge Charlie. Later he came out of my bathroom, having decided to check it out for himself and said "That is a little weird, how'd you not get hit?" Don't know...just lucky I guess...with a tad of odd luck thrown in too.

So, tell me...am I crazy?

Such A Dog

2008-10-17T14:07:00.005-05:00

I got this from Lynilu . Pretty accurate on my part. If you do it, stop by and let me know. You know we're all dogs at one time or another.

You Are a Bullmastiff

You are confident, reasonable, and very calm. Nothing shakes you up.

It's likely that you were a bit wild when you were younger, but you've gotten that out of your system.

The only time you get aggressive is when someone tries to threaten or harm you in some way.

There's a little bit of wolf underneath all that sheep's clothing!

What Breed of Dog Are You?

Takin' my time

2008-10-08T14:32:00.005-05:00

Okay, you know me, I'm not one to complain. Oh, hush Katy. Seriously, I don't usually complain, but I'm really starting to take offense at people telling me not to 'give up' or 'there's still hope' in my love life. Really, I'm okay with where I'm at. Just how many times do I have to tell people that I'm not in a hurry?? I know most people my age are married, and in all honesty, I never pictured myself single and dating at this age. Married and dating may have been more my style at one time, but single and dating never really entered my mind. But, here I am, and here is where I'm comfortable. Besides, I've dated a couple of guys, I've 'met' a few guys...and no one has rung my bell. And I want my bell RUNG! :) I've not felt that head over heels feeling in a long, long, long time and I want that feeling again. I'm okay with waiting for it, really.

So you're wanting to know why I'm carrying on, right? C'mon, fess up. Well, let me tell you. I've got every married friend (okay, 'every' is a tad of an exaggeration), even semi-friend, telling me to 'keep the faith', 'don't give up', 'keep looking, there's still hope' and I'm just about ready to revert to language I've not used in over 25 years. *Okay, I just made myself laugh because that's the northerner coming out in me, saying 'I'm just about ready to...' because the Texas way of saying that would be 'I'm fixin' to'.*

But seriously, I'm good. I mean I've got problems that having a spouse would definitely help with...okay, I just made myself laugh again because that could be taken so many ways and they'd all be accurate. Oh, lighten up...I'm human. I know I come off as a saint, but it's just not true. :) But if I were worried or concerned over my not being married, trust me, I could be married. It may be to that toothless guy that lives at the bus stop, but I could be married if that's all I wanted. I kid. But that's not what I want. I want someone who will make my knees go weak just thinking about them. I have had that before and I want it again. I've also settled before and I will not settle again. If that means I wait, then I wait.

When my well meaning friends (and semi-friends) tell me not to give up and go on and on with all their well meaning encouragement, seriously, I'm just about ready to let my tongue go free. Ease up people, I'm not in a rush! I want to d.a.t.e. for awhile...I want to have fun and enjoy the flirting around. I'll get married again, I promise. Just let me find the right guy...my guy. God knows exactly where he is and if I don't go rushing around looking for any guy, I'll find the right guy. So, sit back, relax...enjoy my ride if you want. Trust me, my bell is gonna get rung.

Sunday in Denton

2008-09-28T21:09:00.018-05:00

Casey's girlfriend, Ashley, visited him this weekend at UNT. Ashley attends Hardin-Simmons. They invited Charlie and I up Sunday to go to church with them. I love The Village where Casey goes to church. I've been a few times and it's worth the hour drive to go, it's an awesome church.

After chuch we had dinner at El Gaupo's. I love this place. It's where we had Casey's dinner when he graduated from high school. I got the same thing I got then, the Voodoo Shrimp. Asked for extra spicy and they sure did deliver.

After dinner we visited Wal-mart to pick up some things for Casey. One of the things I love about Ashley is how she and Casey are so much alike. Their sense of humor is so similar, and it's like they just 'get' each other. The entire time I'm around them, I've got a smile on my face. Let me give y'all some pictures of the day.

Casey filled up our cart as soon as we got there with the best the store had to offer. :)

Casey and Charlie with sweet Ashley. By the way, that's a pretty awesome shirt Charlie has on, wish I'd gotten a better picture of it.

We got Casey a web cam to go with his lap top so he can see Ashley when they chat. Mine has one built in, as does Ashley's. But, Casey's Gateway just didn't allow him to get up close and personal, so we had to fix that!

Wish I could capture how gorgeous this girl is inside and out. Casey and Ashley have been good friends for years, since the middle of high school. I'm glad they've taken it to the dating stage.

When we were at Casey's house in Denton, Charlie found a shirt of a female friend of Casey's that had been left in his room. He disappeared into Casey's closet for a couple of minutes...and this is what made us all laugh for a good couple of minutes. Gotta love my kids, they're smile makers for sure!

Yup, that's a Hannah Montanna shirt he's got on, LOL. How cute is he?? Then Casey tells me that he wore this shirt, that came way north of his belly button, a pair of low riding shorts that showed color coordinated boxers that matched the shirt...on the FIRST day of classes this year at college. WHY??? I dunno, he goes for laughs, I guess, I just don't know.

And just one more picture. I know, I'm such a proud mom...but I love this picture of Casey. It's his Chi Alpa basketball team. Casey is front row on the left.

There you go. I'm all done. See, the thing is, my life is soooo not perfect, but I am blessed beyond belief. And, I am grateful. Each and every minute of my life, I am grateful.

LOVE THEM

2008-09-20T12:16:00.004-05:00

Please check them out at:
Nuttin But Stringz

I can do it!

2008-09-18T16:15:00.001-05:00

I'm not much of a mechanic. Sometimes I've been known to forget which side of the steering wheel the wipers are on, so I honestly can not claim to be very intuitive about cars. The other day when I got off of work, I was on the phone arranging a meet with a friend (actually it was a first 'date' of sorts, shhhhhhhhhhh) which I was on my way to. All of the sudden my car begins making a tapping sound. I told my friend there was something wrong with my car and I'd have to call him back. I pull over onto a side street, put the car in park and get out to walk around it. That pretty much exhausted my expertise on cars. Not a sound, it wasn't making that first tapping noise. I got in the car, revved it up, and still just a purring. Put it in drive, started to drive off and there it goes again, tap.tap.tap.tap. The faster I go, the faster and the louder the tapping got. I pulled over again, walked around it and thought maybe I should look under the hood. Could not find the hood release. I've only had the car for a few months, never had a need to use it. Found it just fine in the manual, though. Got the hood open and still, nothing. So, I get back in the car and start down the road and it's louder than ever.
I call my friend and told him I'd need a raincheck. I'm thinking to myself that I'd try to make it to my home town (just about 10 miles) to my mechanic, but the cars around me are all looking at me trying to figure out what's wrong with my car, which is a really good question, and as the speed limit increases so does the noise of my car. Best way to describe it is if you take a ring on your finger and bang it really hard on something metal. I've done this to imitate it and it's pretty close.
I decide there isn't any way I could drive it home, so I pull over to turn around and go back to a garage not far from where I work. I'm just a tad concerned if they need to keep it over night, they'll be keeping me there too.
I pull into a high school's parking lot to turn around and decide one more time to see if I can find anything wrong with my car. So, here I am dressed in black slacks, a black shell and a white jacket, and I lay down in the parking lot and get underneath my car. Nothing. As far as cars go, mine is pretty darn cute underneath.
I decide I'll have to spend the night at the garage and as I'm getting into the car, I think, one more walk around. I walk around the car and I notice something blue on my front drivers side tire. I get down to look at it closer and it's a deflated balloon, attached to the tire. A long, thin, blue balloon. I'm thinking 'surely not', and I peel it off of the tire. Yup, that was it.
I am so glad I did not take it to the mechanic. Wonder how long it'd taken them to find it...and how much it would've cost me.
I'm really good with cars.

Just thinking out loud...

2008-09-16T16:23:00.008-05:00

I am at such a loss with the election coming up. I know everyone is talking, writing or reading about it as well. I've never passed up an election without voting, but if ever I were to do so, it would be this one.

I'm about as conservative as they come. Don't go yellin' at me, or judging me. If you're one of my long time friends here, you pretty much know where I stand on the big issues, as I know where you stand and we still remain standing together. I don't demand my friends believe as I do, and my friends graciously honor me with the same courtesy.

I'm not a fan of either Obama or Palin for the office in which they're running. As people, I'm sure they must be honest, kind, giving and thoughtful people. However, they're not up for membership in my Home Owner's Association. I am at a total loss as to how this country, which I still believe to be pretty great, has somehow laid this selection at our feet.

Obama ~ I'm not saying he doesn't have any experience, I'm saying he doesn't have enough.
Palin ~ Ditto Obama, but divide it by half. The thing is, though she's running as a 'mate', given who her 'mate' is, God forbid, she could be be left running the whole show should anything happen to 72 year old McCain. Even though I share some of her views, I don't share enough. Even if I did, I share 98% of my best friend's views, and I wouldn't want her as our country's president (sorry Katy).

I'm not happy. This whole thing scares me. I keep waiting for a dark horse to show up...someone who'll run as an independent...a write in...something. I come from a generation that remembers the Kennedy's, and Ford, Carter, Reagan...I remember the passion that candidates use to stir. Yeah, I'm not happy and not only am I scared (because let's face it, our country needs a strong president), I'm also sad. This is really the best our country has to offer, the best we have to choose from...this is really our best?

Age and commercial breaks

2008-09-10T16:47:00.005-05:00

I am spoiled. Seriously, I'm spoiled. Some of you may have gotten notices from AT&T that I'd changed internet services, so I had a new email address. They sent out bulk mailings from my contact lists. People I've never even heard of have been sending me emails saying "Thanks for letting me know you've changed your address. How do I know you?" Heck if I know.

All started when I wanted Showtime added to my cable so I could watch Dexter's new season. I'd caught it on dvd, and now it's nearly a must have...yeah, spoiled, I know. Time Warner, whom I've been with since it was AT&T years ago, wouldn't cut me a deal and my bill was going to go up a good bit. So, being an all American looking for that ever popular good deal, I called the competition, AT&T. Got a great deal. Here is the catch: with AT&T you can only have one dvr box. I'm use to having three. The one in the family room is a family t.v. One in my room to watch in my room, alone. Makes perfect sense to me. Then another in Charlie's room. He doesn't actually want or need one, he says, because he is always in the family room. Thus my need for one in my room. Perfect sense. AT&T had actually told me I could have two, and it showed on my invoice that, in fact, I'd ordered two. Yet, mysteriously, they don't allow two dvr boxes in one home.

I tried it in my room without a dvr box and felt like I was back in the 80's. I was watching one of my favorite shows, The Closer, and I had to go to the bathroom. I'm hitting the pause button on that remote with all the power in my index finger. Nothing. Then it hit's me...it's not a dvr tv anymore. Right then, I decided, I'm going back to Time Warner. And, to welcome me back, Time Warner not only added Showtime, but they lowered my bill by $30 a month. Thank you, thank you very much.

So, for all of you who are having to go through, yet again, my change of email address, I'm sorry. But at my age, there is no way in hell I can only go to the bathroom at commercial breaks.

Come chat with me...

2008-08-23T21:06:00.002-05:00

on facebook! http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363617637 ~ yup, that's me!

Affairs of the heart

2008-08-21T00:49:00.005-05:00

When it comes to the heart, people are slow learners. We can try to cover every base...we can spend hours thinking through every scenario, we can have every situation planned and speeches rehearsed; but when the now happens, the heart caves. We can't help it. Whether we are stone cold or not, the heart is a hopeless romantic.

Deb had recently posted about a woman who had broken up with a boyfriend whom she had believed she loved, because of the fear of the worst case scenario...the 'what if' was too much to deal with. Been there and done that. I'm not in the middle of any 'hot and heavy', but we are always either at a possible beginning, middle or end of a 'hot and heavy'. Even when our mind tells us to slow it down..or to come to our senses because there isn't a chance in hell, there is that muscle that just keeps pumping hope into our 'what if' mentality, the heart.

I've heard of people who have turned their back on love, on romance, on any thing remotely similar to a chance of happiness with another person, and have actually been able to live that way. I've not heard of them ever being the sort of person whose company their friends, or even the Jehovah Witness's, seek out. Sometimes I've felt that I wanted to be that person, but my heart is too loud...too stubborn, too idealistic for me to feel that way for any real amount of time.

Is safety possible in matters of the heart? If you play it safe are you able to really invest 100% of yourself into it and if you don't invest 100% of yourself into it, are you selling the 'what if' short? I mean if you are in a competitive sport, you give 100% of yourself, if you've got a goal at work, you invest 100% of yourself, because we know that without that 100% effort, there could very well be regrets. We have all, at one time or another, gone to sleep at night thinking 'if only I'd'... Is not the chance of real love, the chance of true happiness, worth more? And yet we're so protective of our emotions, strangling any chance of getting hurt or rejected out of the equation, that we will not take a chance on investing 100% of our self, our whole heart, into it.

I know that nothing hurts worse than a broken heart. Nothing. But if there is even a glimmer of hope, the slightest chance of the kind of happiness that only real love gives you, isn't it worth it? Isn't it worth the risk of heartbreak, of rejection, of the kind of tears that come from the pit of your stomach?

What do you think?

Kids

2008-08-06T13:02:00.013-05:00

Casey and I celebrated our birthdays last week. My baby is 19 years old. All of my blog friends that have young children, please enjoy every single minute of it. Even on the bad days, and I know there are bad days, you can still pick them up and hold them...snuggle with them or hold their hand. That's not going to last forever. This is one of many things I can speak of from experience.

When Charlie was young, he'd always hold my little finger. Not my whole hand, he'd grab onto my little finger. It was 'our thing'. I miss that terribly. Casey, he'll still hold my hand, but now it's more like 'I love you mom' and not 'I need you mom'...and maybe sometimes it's even 'I feel sorry for you, old woman'...probably, I don't know. Nothing embarrasses Casey, and little embarrasses Charlie. I can take credit for that. :) I've always believed that if you can live through it, you can also get over it.

Casey will be leaving soon for his second year at UNT, and Charlie will be starting his senior year of high school. I don't know how it's possible. I see what wonderful men they are becoming. Both of them honest and caring young men, which I'll also take credit for. :) They're so independent and responsible...well, much more responsible than I was at 18 and 19 years old...or even at 25 years old if I want to be truthful. Casey will still call me 'Mommy' in a way that only he can pull off, and Charlie will sometimes call me Katheryn, in a way that only he can pull off, pronouncing it Katheryyyyyn. Sort of like when he'd hold my little finger, it's 'our thing'. Casey never calls me 'Katheryn' and Charlie never calls me 'Mommy'.

Charlie's band, Forgiven Atrocity, is really doing well. It's not my type of music. I actually love the music, it's the vocals that slay me (sorry, Tony, I love you though!!) but they're getting a lot of recognition and Charlie gets calls from other bands to play bass for them as a fill in. I'm so proud of him. He's got his image on a t-shirt, which is pretty awesome:

How cool is that?? Yeah, he's without shirt or shoes...and that's pretty much how he always plays. Don't know why. He was influenced a lot by Red Hot Chili Peppers, so I'm just glad he's not up there butt naked except for a tube sock on his penis. I'm sure every mother has said that about her son at one time or another, right?? :)

Here is a picture of my guys at my birthday dinner...and as always, they're goofing off. One more year...I'm going to make the most out of it, trust me.

Christian the lion

2008-07-25T22:37:00.005-05:00

I know y'all have probably already seen this, but today was my first time and I've watched it over and over. Each time I've cried...all happy tears.

Here is a picture of Christian when he was a cub living in their apartment:

I'll be watching this many times.

Austin's 4th

2008-07-20T21:36:00.013-05:00

We all have known desperation, some definitely more than others. Fear, hopelessness, loneliness, and add in a good sized portion of desperation; this is what I imagine it's like to live under a bridge where the coolness of the shaded concrete is the only escape for the homeless of Austin, TX.

The boys and I visited Austin over the 4th of July weekend. We enjoyed every minute of our weekend vacation. The drive to Austin took about three and a half hours, with lots of music coming from various ipods. We checked into our hotel on 4th Street, just a block and a half from Austin's famed 6th Street. We then headed to San Marcos and floated down the San Marcos River for a couple of hours on rented tubes. The weather was great and my getting to spend time with my boys even better. After a few hours of enjoying San Marcos we returned to Austin for dinner and the boys took off for the party that is 6th Street 'after dark'. After enjoying one of the best mexican meals I've ever had at a small hole in the wall cafe the next day, we headed home. It was a great trip.

Something that will haunt me forever was the homeless under the I35 overpass in Austin. I've seen homeless. Working in Indianapolis I'd pass many a homeless person still sitting in the doorways of businesses as they opened up for the day. Or, while living in St. Petersburg, FL, I'd see many of the homeless finding refuge on the beach at night once the crowds started to thin. Perhaps it's because I was with my children that Austin had such an effect on me, perhaps it's because my heart now knows personally the love of Christ, I don't know.

However, under the overpass there were several homeless, some with carts, one with a baby carriage, all heavily clothed even though it was Texas hot, lying on the pavement or propped up against columns. On each side of where these homeless residents had claimed as their own for whatever period of time, were parked cars. Most of these cars were the makes and models that only the rich or the over extended can afford. There were signs around that advertised parking, and there they parked, and walked by and through the homeless that sought refuge from the piercing sun.

The boys and I drove by this underpass several times, and it never failed to have the same impact on me. I can't help but wonder who these people are. What led them to where they are today and what is it that keeps them there? I've gone on-line to read about the many homeless shelters in Austin, and there are many; yet, there they stay, under I35's underpass. I wonder if they have families that go to bed every night wondering where they are. I wonder what they feel as people in their nice clothes get out of their expensive cars and walk among them to get somewhere they can't afford to follow. Where do you go when you're homeless? Why do so many refuse the assistance of the shelters, the organizations set up to help or all the different ministries that are specifically targeted towards the homeless? Do they ever get use to being stared at by some or the way they're ignored by others? And then there are the homeless that are also with children. How do you see the tears of hunger falling down your child's cheeks, with no way of providing comfort, and be able to draw that next breath?

There are many who say it's their choice to be homeless and let it go at that. I don't believe anyone without being mentally disabled can choose to be homeless. There are many who say they refuse to help the homeless because they'd use any help to buy alcohol or drugs...which is probably how they ended up homeless to begin with. Maybe that's true, maybe... All I know is that their being homeless is not only their problem, it's ours...because if it doesn't break our hearts it's because our hearts are hardened.

This morning at church they showed many parts of the movie Radio. I'd never seen this movie, but it'll be something we rent. The lesson was on the difference between compassion and pity. Pity is feeling sorry for someone while doing nothing. Compassion takes action. All I could think about were the homeless the boys and I had passed by, several times.

The boys and I have discussed things we can do. The things that three people can do may not have much of a result, but it's more than three people who do nothing will have.

Ephesians 4:32
And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.

Draining

2008-07-01T23:49:00.004-05:00

Okay, so it turns out my knee didn't have an infection, I had fluid on my knee. Saw my surgeon today and he had them drain the fluid off of my knee and I got a shot of cortisone. They numb it (again with a shot) before they drain it. I don't mind the pain...it's the needles I can't stand. So, the pain wasn't too bad, and they say that hopefully within a couple of days I'll start getting some relief. I have to stay off of it and I can't go to therapy, which is a bummer, for a week.

Dang knee.

When I came home from work, Charlie's band was rehearsing at the house. I'm really not exaggerating when I tell y'all that this band is amazing. What's even more amazing than the band is that Charlie is living his dream, how cool is that? I'm so happy for this kid.

What's everyone doing for the 4th?

Still moving on

2008-06-29T23:02:00.005-05:00

I need a guarantee...on me. I know it's common that once you reach a certain age...like 40'ish, or whatever, that things start to change...settle, whatever.
Last November I tore the ligament in my knee, took me seven months to get surgery. I didn't get this injury skiing, running, or even by walking to the mailbox. All I did was turn, or attempt to, when I was at work. Thank God it did happen while I was at work, though, since Worker's Comp took care of everything. But regardless, all I did was turn around.

Apparently after my surgery my knee became infected. A week ago this past Friday my knee began swelling up and became hot. My calf and my upper thigh began throbbing. I have an appt with my Surgeon for this week, so I was hoping to just make it till I could get in to see him. I'm in physical therapy, and they've been hooking me up to some kind of electrodes to try and break up the swelling...not working

Then last week I ate a piece of candy that Casey had, a sweetart. I love sweetarts. And, I broke my back molar. Broke off a huge piece of my tooth. Wasn't painful at all, just the jagged edge of my tooth on my cheek was the only bother. Friday I had a root canal and they put on a temporary crown for me. My mouth is seriously too small for two people to be in, and I honestly don't believe my mouth was meant to pulled and stretched the way it was, but it wasn't painful in the least and I didn't even have to take an ibuprofen or anything after it, so not much to complain about there.

Because of the root canal, the dentist put me on some strong antibiotics. After about 30 hours of antibiotics, I noticed the swelling and the pain in my knee had greatly decreased. Great news. It's still a bit swollen and warm, but nothing like it was and I have an appt. with my surgeon tomorrow, so it's all good.

But here is the thing; I'm beginning to feel like this body (that still has a lot of living yet to do) is beginning to betray me a bit. Can't fault it, I suppose I've take advantage of it quite a bit. I suppose I'm paying for not taking better care of it...or maybe regardless of how much care you take, these things happen. Most of the patients my surgeon has are runners and athletes. Yeah, I got hurt turning around...so see, things can happen to anyone. And the broken tooth...again, can happen to anyone. Still...it's happening to me, and I'm a tad tired of this vessel breaking down on me. I'd like a few months of smooth sailing...actually I'd be happy with a weekend.

* Apparently I hit publish instead of save last night as I was beginning to post. I knew I was getting sleepy, thought 'I should finish this tomorrow' and instead I published it. So for all you that read the earlier...unfinished or edited version ~ sorry about that y'all. :)

WHEN I CALL...

2008-06-21T11:23:00.013-05:00

I'm a strong person. I don't back down...well, ever really. I was going to say I don't back down easily, but unless I'm in the wrong, which I have no problem admitting to, I can not be bullied. But, I do get scared. There is a verse in a song I listen to every morning that reminds me of myself when I try to have control over my own life: Sometimes I'm hiding away from the madness around me, like a child who's afraid of the dark. Scared, full of fear and doubt. No one knows better than me how terrifying this feeling is, how wasteful it is to live your life this way. The next verse: But when I call on Jesus, all things are possible, I can mount on wings like eagles' and soar. When I call on Jesus, mountains are gonna fall', cause He'll move heaven and earth to come rescue me when I call.

See, here's the thing; I've SEEN that all things are possible, I've SEEN those mountains fall, BECAUSE I've called on Jesus. I think it was easier for me because I was raised an atheist and I was raised to doubt everything and everybody, so that when I took that leap of faith and challenged God to prove Himself to me at the age of 26, and He did, I was in hook, line and sinker. See, He didn't show me little things...He showed me big things. That very moment I said (actual words) "If You're real, prove it to me", my whole 5 room apartment, every single room, lit up with a gold glow. Seriously, like one of those yellow bug lights, but with an unreal glow. One light was on in that apartment that night at 2:30 in the morning, and yet I walked around for minutes looking at everything, amazed at what was transpiring around me. And then, I felt as if something warm was being slowly poured over my head and down my body. It was the most amazing feeling in my life. I'll never forget it. How could I possibly doubt Him when He proved Himself to me like this. Why like this? I don't know, possibly because I was such a hater. Oh yeah, I was a hater. I was a thief, a drug and sex addict...your all in all user type personality. I'd gotten off work from bartending at 2 a.m., was considering suicide, again, and because of someone witnessing to me at the bar that night, thought...well...what the hell? It's because of that ONE chance I gave Him, He showed Himself to me. Amazing grace truly saved this wretch.

One miracle after another has happened in my life since. Later that same night I turned on the t.v. to see a local charity marathon on with a man speaking that had DJ'd at a club I use to heavily party at. He was now a pastor at a non-denominational church. That next Sunday I visited that church. First church I'd ever stepped into. I sat in the back row. As I sung the words to the song they had on the screen, someone tapped me on my shoulder and said into my ear "when you get home, throw your drugs down the toilet, you don't need them anymore". Embarrassed that someone I knew might be seeing me in a church when I'd made fun of Christians all my life, I turned around to see NO ONE there. I went home and threw everything down the toilet. I'd been addicted since I was in my early teens (speed, ludes, acid, coke, you name it, I had it all) and I haven't touched them since that day. God has revealed Himself to me like this ever since.

I know I've shared this a couple of times before. However, I've gotten a few emails questioning my last post, how I've come to have the faith I have. Because I opened myself up for Him to have the opportunity to move in my life. He was waiting for me, but according to free will, I had to allow Him the opportunity to work in my life. I look back at the years before I came to Him; all the times I'd od'd and barely made it through, the four cars I totaled because I, too, was totaled at the time, my hitchhiking from Indiana to Florida and New Orleans and living for a year with one stranger after another, I see His protection was around me before I'd called on Him. If you'd asked me then, my life wasn't worth living. It was a miserable existence. Yet, He knew what my life was yet to become and though He allowed me my mistakes, He watched over me. He was waiting on me to invite Him into my life. Since I did invite Him into my life...well, one day I'll devote a post, or a series of posts, about the miracles He's worked in my life since that night in my apartment so many years ago.

Now, every morning on my way into work, I plug my ipod into my car and listen to Nicole Mullen's Call On Jesus. I drive into work every morning with happy tears, a hand raised, and my spiritual armor strong. By the time my day starts, I'm stronger than ever. I know I've put this video on my blog before, but,one more time, I want to share with y'all part of what I do every day to prepare myself for what this world will throw at me.

I've also learned to say...command, actually, with all authority that God has given me through His Son, Christ Jesus, PEACE...BE STILL, to the problems that raise their ugly head. We have authority. PLEASE KNOW THAT YOU, THROUGH CHRIST, HAVE AUTHORITY. How it must break God's heart to see us go through what we do, beaten and trodden down, when we don't have to. If you have a minute (and I'm sorry I've gone on and on), please watch the video...listen to the words, and open your hearts.

Love you all.

Release your faith

2008-06-13T11:52:00.006-05:00

I believe that regardless of what life brings you, God is more than enough to see you through. Every time I've gone through rough spots, God has revealed to me why they were necessary...after I've gone through them.

Why?

Because if I were to see why I needed to go through them, I wouldn't have to exercise my faith to get through them. Yes, we exercise our faith for it to get stronger. Every time life throws me a curve ball, I remember what God has gotten me through before and I KNOW that He'll get me through whatever is before me again. No doubt. Each trial that I've gone through has prepared me to be able to go through the next one.

When you start lifting weights, you start low and the more you work those muscles the more you're able to lift. When you start running, you start off slow (probably 'power walking' if you're like me) and work your way up to a jog. Faith is the very muscle of our spirit man, it's core. The more we use it, the more it enables us to get through things that cripple the faithless.

I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that I've never felt like falling apart, I have. But I can, however, tell you with 100% honesty that as soon as that feeling tries to overtake me, my spirit man becomes HUGE. It's not me, but He who dwells within me. It's like I become 10 feet tall, seriously, I become the spiritual HULK and that part of me takes control...or more realistically, I give way to my spirit man. My spirit has walked by faith for 26 years. 2 Corinthians 5:7 : "For we walk by faith, not by sight". If I were to walk, live and react according to what I see, what I hear or what I feel, most of the time you'd find me in bed with the covers pulled over my head. But I've learned that is my natural man; who, just between you and I is a bit of nut case and tends to cower from problems. That's why I've learned to take a deep breath and give way to my spirit man.

Once I step aside and let my 'spiritual HULK' take over, I honestly feel "with God all things are possible", Matthew 19:26. ALL THINGS. They have no option, it's the natuaral order of things. When we give our problems over to God, our problems bow down. Immediately? To the conculusion that we want for ourselves? Now...that would be if our natural man were in control...and there would be no need to exercise our faith. And let's be honest, if you'd gotten everything you wanted, exactly when you wanted it...where do you think you'd be now? Me, I'd od'd a long, long, long time ago.

Have faith that no matter what you're going through, it doesn't stand a chance when you give it over to God. Your faith and God's power...no stopping that combination. Powerful stuff right there, darlin', powerful stuff.

He's Back!

2008-06-10T23:40:00.004-05:00

One of my favorite people has returned to blogland. I'm thrilled and I want to share his first 'return' offering with y'all. Welcome back my friend, Seven, and enjoy "Son, are you hungry?"

Honestly...this man can write.

Doing great

2008-06-07T13:10:00.003-05:00

Want to thank y'all for your prayers and good wishes. Let me give you some updates.

Casey's car is covered under warranty. What a great relief that is for us. It's my prayer that Casey will be able to trade it in for something that gets more than 10 miles a gallon, but he's fighting it since that car belonged to his 'Pop' and he and Charlie were absolutely crazy about their Pop. The dealership is going to start work on it on Monday replacing the gaskets. I'll let you know.

Casey went with me for my surgery Thursday morning. We sat in the waiting room and watched A Knight's Tale (my favorite movie) on Casey's laptop until they called me to prep. The only thing that bothered me about the surgery was the thought of needles, can't stand needles. After they got the iv going, the worst was over for me. My surgeon, Dr. Sutker, said they repaired the tear, shaved off the torn cartilage and sanded down the bones. He said, due to arthritis in that knee, that I'm probably looking at an artificial knee down the road. Me, I'm doubling up on my glucosamine. :) I was home by 4:30'ish and slept most of the day. We went back the next morning to my surgeon so he could check my incisions and my bandages. All looked good. They showed me some exercises and told me I'd start to wean myself off of the crutches in a couple of days. I do love a challenge and I started walking (short distances) without them that evening. Of course, the vicodin helps. Today I'm not using them at all. Really working on the exercises. Mostly because I start physical therapy on Tuesday and I want to make the pain as little as possible, so I'm trying to get it as strong as possible before then. I was told I can't go back to work until next Friday, so, I've got nothing to do but exercise it...and read, which I am really looking forward to.

So it's all good! We want to thank y'all for your prayers. Can't stress enough the power of prayer. God is faithful!

Little bit of this, a little bit of that.

2008-06-03T23:30:00.004-05:00

Life is full around the house. Casey, of course, is home from college and Charlie has two more days to go until he's out of school as well. They'd been told they'd have jobs working for their dad this summer, but they got some bad news last week that their working there is no longer a probability. So, they've been out hunting at every opportunity, but as you can imagine, the job market is pretty well flooded with teens right now. Hey, I know what it's like...been there and done that. Prayers for them, please.

My long timers may remember the problem Casey had with his car a year and a half ago. Well, a turns out the engine he bought has some problems and we're praying that the company we bought it from honors the warranty. Prayers again, please.

Me...I'm having my knee surgery on Thursday. I'm eager to get it behind me and not have this pain on a daily basis anymore. I'll be off work for a tad over a week, all covered by workman's comp, thank you very much. But, I'll ask one more time; prayers please.

Charlie had his first real 'gig'. Played at a place called Fat Daddy's Sound Shack in Lewisville last weekend. The band rocked and Charlie was excellent! I've got a real rocker on my hands, I'm so proud of him. His band has got four more shows lined up for June so far. He said they want to 'tour' this summer, that they have some offers for Austin and around Texas. I don't know if I'm ready for that, even if he thinks he is. We'll see.

I do try to check on your blogs as often as I can. Seems like I'm constantly on the go and when I'm not, I'm icing this knee. But I do love and care about y'all. I'll have a lot of time to blog this next week. Whether I'll have anything interesting to say, well, can't promise that. But, it's never stopped me before, has it?

Hugs to all.

Got to back it up!

2008-05-20T12:09:00.004-05:00

I was talking about prayer in my last post when we'd lost the dogs. I want to talk about prayer again regarding my car.

I used the Aircheck voucher the state of Texas sent me, which was like $3,000 cash just to leave my car at the dealership and let them get rid of it. Texas is trying to to get older model cars (anything 10 years and older) off the road. Mine qualified. Casey's car qualifies too, his being an 1988 and near 150,000 miles on it. I'd applied for both cars, but got the voucher for mine. I doubted I could have gotten much for my car because it was 15 years old and had nearly 120,000 miles on it. So, $3,000 was huge to me.

The day we got our dogs back, the dealership called and told me I'd brought the wrong car in for the voucher. I argued, saying I'd looked at the voucher and it had my car on it. They said the VIN was for an 88 Chevy Caprice. Casey's car. Apparently the state had put the description of one car and the VIN of another car on one voucher. Oops. I explained what must have happened and they told me they'd call the state the next day.

I called the state the next day, too. For two days the state told both me and the dealership that it had been my fault and I'd have to reapply, but they were not issuing any more vouchers until next September. So, the dealership told me I either had to bring the car back or come up with $3,000. This broke my heart because I really liked my little car and for two days I was a little upset. I must have called the state at least a dozen times arguing that this was not my fault; I'd filled out two separate applications with the insurance card with the vin for each individual car and I'd checked them several times. They acted like I was an idiot.

On Friday, after three days of trying to figure out what could have gone wrong and lifting it up in prayer, the dealership asked me to bring it in on Saturday. They'd talked to the state several times, I'd been a pain in the state's butt for three days now, and they figured there was nothing else to do. Casey called me that afternoon, still at college. I told him what was going on, which I usually don't bother him with problems. He said "Mom, God gave you that car, it's your car. Tell Satan to release it and take control of the situation. You don't need to worry about a thing." Wow, you're right son. I'd been playing the victim card with God, 'woe is me', asking Him for the car He'd already given me. I sat out in that car on my lunch and prayed, rebuked Satan's hand on that car and thanked God with all my heart for the car He'd given me.

I came in from lunch and called the state one more time. Trey answered the phone. I told him what was going on and he said...and I quote "That's crazy. Jay is the head of our program here and I'm going to shoot him an email and put you into his voice mail". Jay called me back within minutes. He told me he'd look into it immediately. I explained that I had to take the car back the next day. At 5:13 he called me, I was on my way home. He told me that it had been the state's mistake and that he'd already called the dealership and had it all straightened out. He said "That car is yours, don't worry about a thing".

I kid you not.

Prayer plus faith...can't beat it. Period

Still Around

2008-05-11T22:03:00.006-05:00

Where in the world have I been? Seriously, not a clue. I looked at the date of my last post and it's like the time has just disappeared. Alien abduction? I don't know, I can neither confirm nor deny. I know I have very little spare time for myself, but I'm not sure whether that means I'm simply bad at time management or if I'm just as swamped as I feel...dead tired by the end of every day. But it's a good kind of tired, the kind that puts me to sleep as soon as my head hits the pillow...with my last thoughts praising God for how blessed I am.

Let me try to play a little catch up, quickly, because it's late and it's time for me to call it a night. Yup, shocker there.

I got a great review at work, nothing but extremely kind things said about me and my job performance and a pretty decent raise. Much appreciated...very much appreciated. As much as I appreciated the raise, I was more thankful for the kind words said about me.

Y'all know we have three dogs. Recently when I'd came home from work, I let them out. When I went to let them back in, only the little dachshund was in my back yard. Some one had been in my back yard and removed the locks from both of my gates. That's scary enough, but all I could think of was my dogs were loose. Charlie and I searched for 3 hours, till way after dark. It was a terrible night. Rocky is our oldest, nearly 14 years old and I'm surprised that he didn't tire out before he got off of our street. But he didn't. We couldn't find them anywhere. Charlie asked me around 8 p.m. if I'd prayed, which surprised me coming from Charlie, so we prayed together. The next morning I left for work early so I could search for them, but nothing. Rocky had his collar with his tag on, but Porter didn't because he gets ear mites and we were treating him for them...which causes him to shake his head and the rattling the tags keeps me awake. That morning at work, I got a call on my cell phone from a woman who'd found our dogs around 8 p.m. the night before. Apparently she houses rescue animals and someone on her street, about 2 miles from my house, asked if she knew where the dogs belonged and she took them in for the night. The phone number on the tags was our old number, I'd forgotten to have new tags made, so she had to call the city to try to find my number. I don't know how the city has my cell number, but I'm so glad they did. So, got my dogs home safe and all new tags on all of them. I'm so thankful she and my dogs were led to one another. Never underestimate the power of prayer, seriously within minutes of praying, she found them.

I bought a new car! Well, nearly new. It's a 2007 Kia Spectra EX 4 door with 9,000 miles on it. I love this car. I filled it up for the first time this past Friday and I got 31 mpg driving to work which is all city! Yup, love this car. I was getting 13 miles to the gallon with my old car. I took advantage of the AirCheck program the government has where it will give you a voucher for $3,000 to use if you trade a car in that is 10 years old or older. They're trying to get all the older vehicles off the road, and they got mine off! The cars are 'retired', and the dealership isn't allowed to resell them. Charlie and I test drove a few 2008's that came basic, with no power anything, because even with the $3,000 I couldn't afford all the extras. But when I started researching cars with great gas mileage I was drawn to Kia. Then I find out that their 'standard' is fully loaded and it has 8 air bags! So, we test drove and fell in love with this car. Funny, I've never had a ticket in my entire life, not even a parking ticket, but now every time I look at the speedometer, I'm going at least 10 miles faster than I thought I was and I keep looking in my mirrors to see if there is a red light chasing me. This car has so much power and pickup it's crazy. I really do love this car.

Casey came home last Friday. He looks like he's full grown. He'll be 19 in July, but he looks like a man instead of my little boy...my baby. I've enjoyed every minute of his being home so far. The boys made me a video of them for Mother's Day. It's really personal, and though I'd love to put it up on my blog, I'm not sure how they'd feel about it, I'll have to ask. It made me cry, Charlie just sat and talked to the camera, it was amazing. He said things that I thought went unnoticed, things he appreciated and had made a difference in his life. This is something that I will keep until the very last day of my life. For Mother's Day we started off going to my favorite church, The Potter's House, and afterwards we saw the movie Iron Man. I love Robert Downy Jr., and he didn't disappoint me. After the movie we went to eat at Cheddars and had such a good time. My kids are the best company. They're funny, they're smart and they're mine.

Hope all my mom buddies had a great Mother's Day. Kids are the greatest blessing, I'm so thankful for mine.

Casey's Formal

2008-04-27T17:00:00.008-05:00

I put together a slide show of the pictures Casey sent me from his Formal on Friday. How many other 18 year olds would take the time to email their mom pictures from his date the night before? He looks so handsome to me, I couldn't be more proud of this kid.

The girl in the yellow dress is his date, Kara. Before the formal, he took her to the dollar store and told her to spend to her hearts desire. Yeah, I dunno. Anyway, they came away with hats, swords and such. Thus the hats in the pictures. He said he had a great time, and well, the pictures look like he's telling the truth. :)

Tagged for six

2008-04-25T15:15:00.004-05:00

My friend, Believer 1964, the blogger formerly known as Rosemarie, has tagged me. The tag is to list six 'unspectacular' quirks that I have. Actually, I do believe I'm rather quirky and that I'm 100% spectacular, but I'm going to search myself and come up with six that would fit this tag.

Oh, let me post the rules.

* Link the person who tagged you.
* Mention the rules in your blog.
* Tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of yours.
* Tag 6 following bloggers by linking them.
* Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger's blogs letting them know they've been tagged.

So, here we go...

1. Regardless of how early I have to get up in the morning, I CAN NOT MAKE MYSELF GO TO BED. Seriously, I'll fight sleep every single night, watching t.v. or reading, instead of just laying down and going to sleep. I'll nod and do the jerk myself awake thing over and over before I give up and call it a day. Again, every single day I'll think that I'm going to go home and make myself have an early night. It has never happened.

2. I will not eat or drink after anyone. Not even my kids. I've never in my life taken a drink out of the same can or glass as someone else. Ewwww.

3. I have never gone to bed with makeup on. Can't do it. Regardless of how tired or lazy I am, I have always forced myself to wash my face. I hate washing my face at night, it's my least favorite thing to do. Some days I'll not wear makeup specifically so that I will not have to wash my face at night.

4. I can't lie. I use to. I use to lie just for the sport of it. But when I was 26 I stopped. I can't say I've not lied since I was 26, but I can say I've rarely lied. I'd rather take the consequences of telling the truth than the easy way out by telling a lie. It makes things a whole lot easier to keep track of.

5. When someone lies to me or 'cheats' me, I forgive them but I will no longer hang with them. Once, that's all it takes and I'm done. It's not that I'm holding a grudge, but if I can't trust you then I don't want you around me or my children.

6. I often have low self esteem. I don't really see it as a self esteem issue, but I'm told it is by those who love me. I often refrain from contacting someone, or asking people questions, because I don't want to bother them. My friends tell me this is because I look at myself as a bother...and I'd agree with that. So, often when someone doesn't hear from me for awhile or if they've told me to call them and I don't, it's not that I don't want to contact them, it's just that I don't want to bother them. I'd say I'm working on it...but that would be a lie. ;)

So, there you go; six unspectacular quirks. Y'all know I don't tag, but if you decide to do it, please stop by and let me know.

Video!

2008-04-22T22:01:00.002-05:00

Boys in Denton

Quick

2008-04-22T07:10:00.006-05:00

Just a quick note before I head off to work. Charlie and I needed to visit Denton yesterday after I got off work, and we had a great time. Took some of Casey's clothes he needed for a formal dance he's attending on Friday to the dry cleaners, went to eat at his favorite Italian restaurant there and played a few holes of Frisbee golf. I got some video I'll try to put up later, but here is a picture I got of them when I told them to smile for me. Goofs.

And here is a picture of what has been living in my tree in my backyard since LAST THURSDAY. Yup, 5 days. When the dogs are not outside she will jump down, love on you and even lay on my lap while I sit outside to read. She didn't eat the first 3 days she was outside, but she's eating well now. I'm looking for a home for her. She looks to be about 6 months old. Charlie has named her Jade, but NO, we are not keeping her. Not for very long, anyway.

Canceled...and Declined

2008-04-17T23:52:00.004-05:00

So I had a voicemail from Casey yesterday telling me that he'd lost his wallet; that he'd called and cancelled his debit card and I should call my bank and cancel mine (because he also has a Visa check/debit card to my checking account). It was after work when I'd gotten the voicemail and by the time I'd called the bank it was after hours so I had to go through the automated system. I gave the card number Casey used and was told that his card was canceled.

A few of us went out after work today, and when I paid with my Visa check card, the waiter came back to our table, kneeled down beside me and asked quietly if I had another card to pay with because the one I'd used had been declined.

All eyes were on me.

Extremely embarrassing.

Fortunately I was able to cover it, and I'd told the story at work earlier about Casey losing his card and my having had to cancel his card, so they understood what was happening. Still, it was really embarrassing.

By the way, one of Casey's professors found his wallet in a classroom. All in all, it's proving to be inconvenient, but so much better than it could have been. When I got the voicemail after work, all the way home I was praying that my checking account hadn't been cleaned out. That was the longest drive home! Nothing touched, the wallet has been found and it's all good. Well, it's mostly all good. :)

I wonder how long it will take me to get this straightened out...

*Turns out they cancelled my debit card (even though I gave them Casey's debit card number) instead...instead of Casey's. That means for the last two days, anyone who had that card could have been on a shopping spree. C'mon, how often do you get asked for i.d. when you use your your debit/check card as a credit? I never do. Anyway, I'm without a card now until I get my new one in the mail, and I'll have to change all the places my old card number was filed to my new one. Oh well...it could have been a LOT worse. Didn't catch my (or Casey's) angels unaware!

Life is brighter!

2008-04-14T13:17:00.004-05:00

Other than having come down with what I'm assuming was strep throat, I'm good. Nearly everyone in our office, which when you remember we have 32 women and 5 doctors is quite a lot of people, came down with this. Doctors were resting in the exam rooms between patients, coughing could be heard echoing in the halls from every direction and everyone was looking like they would kill to be able to go home. Nearly everyone went on the z pack and after the weekend, it's much better around here. Funny, though, it's left the chest and throat and has moved into the head of nearly everyone. Which, though it may be annoying, is nowhere near as painful. I'm not complaining at all. I'll suffer through the runny nose, sneezing and watery eyes...no problem. It's answering the phones with a raw throat that had me a bit grumpy on Thursday and Friday. I spent the entire weekend in bed, resting this darlin' body of mine, and along with the medication...I'm good!

I've been taking my little vitamin combo for a little over a week and I can already tell a difference. I'm so thankful that I've found the right combination of vitamins and what not to work for me, saves me so much money from the prescription, plus...they're vitamins which is naturally healthier for me in many other areas.

Charlie and I got an elleptical machine. Charlie had wanted a treadmill, but my ortho said absolutely not and that the elliptical would be much better for my knee. Now, Charlie loves it. I like it. :) Charlie will go at the top program for 40 minutes and still be able to hold a conversation with me...even though the sweat is pouring off of him. Me, not so much. I do considerably less and it's kickin' my butt so bad that I couldn't hold a conversation in my head. But, I will keep building up my stamina on it, and the best thing for me is that I can tell a huge difference in my knee when I use it.

Well, all, since I hadn't left my bed since Friday after work, there is little else to share with y'all. Hope all is well in your worlds!

I think America got it wrong...

2008-04-10T20:01:00.002-05:00

I'm gonna miss me some Michael John.

Life Changes

2008-04-06T21:19:00.019-05:00

I know that I've been missing. Thing is, I feel like I have actually been missing. I know that sounds strange, but it's how I feel.
I've told y'all that I've suffered from depression since I was very young. The last few weeks I've had a relapse into the emotional pits of hell. Sounds like an exaggeration, huh? Wish that were so.

I started anti-depressants when Charlie was four years old. It was amazing what a difference they made. Night and day. For the first time in my life, I was able to go through entire weeks without locking myself in a bathroom, curled into a corner in the dark and wondering how much better off those I loved would be without me in their lives. Many times the only thread that kept me from following through with those sort of thoughts was my sister being on the other end of the telephone.

During the temporary orders of our divorce Mark was ordered to carry us on his insurance. He dropped his insurance and the prescriptions had to be paid out of pocket...his pocket. But I knew that once the divorce was final I'd be responsible for the outrageous amount of money my anti-depressants cost, so I started doing some research on what they do and what could replace them. I know from testing, they'd found that I don't produce the serotonin I should and that was one of my biggest problems. So, I started there. Anyway, after awhile I put together a vitamin pack that I hoped would treat depression...being healthy for me was a side benefit. I started weaning myself off of the anti-depressants as I began my vitamin pack. I don't feel comfortable sharing with y'all what is in my vitamin pack because I'm not a doctor and won't take responsibility for anyone else trying it. I weaned myself off the anti-depressants over about a two month period (very slowly) and I never felt any side effects at all.

Now, I've noticed the difference before, a few years ago, when they tried substituting generic...turns out not everyone benefits from generic, I'm one of those who do not. After a few weeks on the generics, I found myself curled up in the fetal position way to often.
Switching gears, I'd told y'all I'd lost some weight recently. The way I did it was by eating more. I have a habit of not eating. I don't get hungry, I don't eat. My sister, again, walked me through what I should be eating and when I started that last October, the weight just started coming off.

The thing about my 'vitamin pack' is that if I take them without food in my stomach, it'll make me very nauseated. Here is where this all ties in together. I've gotten out of the habit of eating again. I go without breakfast, and five out of seven days lunch too. And because I haven't eaten, I'll not take my vitamins. So, for the last month or so I've, slowly but surely, gotten out of the habit of taking my vitamins. And...a couple of weeks ago I started slipping back into what I can only describe as the darkness.

Darkness. It's an emotional state that no one can tell you're in and so no one understands what your going through. You look healthy enough. After awhile, people start asking you 'what's wrong'...and what are you going to say? In my case, there isn't anything really wrong. C'mon, I've got problems like everyone...more than some and less than others. I've definitely got blessings galore. Even in the deepest depth of depression, I still know how much I've got to be thankful for. And yet, I can't stop crying. I can't find a reason to get out of bed. I can't get the physical or the emotional strength to even get into the shower. If it weren't for work and for Charlie, I'd not have gotten out of bed in the last two weeks. Nearly every day I get in the car after work, put on my over sized sunglasses, and bawl like a baby all the way home. I try as hard as possible to get it out of my system so that I can put on my 'it's all good' face before I get home to Charlie. Things that I'd normally let roll off my back, break my heart and, if I let them, my spirit. I believe that even though we can not control the behavior of others, we can control our reaction. I can't control when someone is hateful or rude to me, but I can control how I react. When I'm depressed, I may be able to but I don't. When I get my feelings hurt, instead of letting it go, I blame myself. And I cry. A lot. I've been crying a lot lately. The funny thing about depression (funny if you have a sick sense of humor, I suppose) is that even though you're emotionally and physically exhausted, you can't sleep. No sleep. None. Seriously, depression is a vicious cycle. And since you're so tired, you're just not thinking straight.

It took me till about three days ago to realize that the reason life has been so unbelievably cruel lately, is that I've slipped back into depression. Three days ago I started eating again and recommitted myself to taking my vitamin pack. It's the first time in several years that I've found myself in this way, but being healthy and happy is a strong enough memory that I'm fighting my way back to it.

So, I apologize for being absent. It's not for lack of trying to write. More times than I could count, I've sit here at the computer and tried desperately to put something down. Something. Anything. But I couldn't. Perhaps since I've been able to today, it's a signal that I'm on my way back. Today I spent many hours cleaning and working outside. That's a great sign. I'm hopeful.

In the mean time, my baby is about to become a renter. Casey and three guys who belong to Chi Alpha, a Christian Fraternity at UNT, have found a house to rent directly across the street from the fraternity. Casey asked me to come up this past Saturday to look at it, which blessed me to know that he cared what I thought about it. I was the only parent with the four students and Charlie, looking at the house with the landlord. There are four students living there currently that graduate this May, and the house looked like it had four college students living there. It's a great house; four bedrooms, two baths, two blocks from campus, great neighborhood, it's pretty cool.

And Charlie, he's gotten into working out the last few months and the kid is ripped. Seriously ripped. He lost over 30 lbs on my diet, and along with working out an hour a day...he's looking really good. He's also gotten into rock climbing. There is a club not too far from here that he goes to on the weekends with a few friends and they spend hours rock climbing. Ever since the 'drug thing' that I found text referring to on his cell phone, after the grounding and all...he completely changed his circle of friends. Not that his friends were bad to begin with, but they were obviously heading in a direction I didn't want Charlie to follow. But the guys he hangs with now are kids I'd have picked out for him if I'd could. They've all known each other for a long time, but Charlie left one crowd and started spending more time with this one. I've never seen this kid so happy. He tells me nearly every weekend that he's never had so much fun. I love the changes I've seen in him. He's talking more about going to college, he has more direction and he's staying busy. Here's the latest pictures I took of him.

The shirt he's wearing is a Pink Floyd tee, he bought it yesterday when he and a friend were out.

So...when I tell y'all that regardless of how deep a pit I've fallen into, I never lose sight of my blessings and I never fail to be thankful. Still, it's a hard road. By my own hands I've let myself slide back into a terrible place by failing to take what I know I desperately need...and by my own hands I'll pull myself back up. For those of you who pray, please remember the boys and I in your prayers. For those of you who don't...I'd just be ever so grateful if you would.

AI's David Cook

2008-03-26T21:07:00.003-05:00

I could simply put this on 'repeat' and listen to it all night long.

The smallest of hands still hold on to life...

2008-03-22T12:30:00.019-05:00

This is the picture of a 21-week-old unborn baby named Samuel Alexander Armas, who is being operated on by surgeon named Joseph Bruner. The baby was diagnosed with spina bifida and would not survive if removed from his mother's womb. Little Samuel's mother, Julie Armas, is an obstetrics nurse in Atlanta . She knew of Dr. Bruner's remarkable Surgical procedure. Practicing at Vanderbilt University Medical Center in Nashville, he performs these special operations while the baby is still in the womb.During the procedure, the doctor removes the uterus via C-section and makes a small incision to operate on the baby. As Dr.Bruner completed the surgery on Samuel, the little guy reached his tiny, but fully developed Hand through the incision and firmly grasped the surgeon's finger. Dr.Bruner was reported as saying that when his finger was grasped, it was the most emotional moment of his life, and that for an instant during the procedure he was just frozen, totally immobile.

The photograph captures this amazing event with perfect clarity. The editors titled the picture, 'Hand of Hope.' The text explaining the picture begins, 'The tiny hand of 21-week- old fetus Samuel Alexander Armas emerges from the mother's uterus to grasp the finger of Dr Joseph Bruner as if thanking the doctor for the gift of life.' Little Samuel's mother said they 'wept for days' when they saw the picture. She said, 'The photo reminds us pregnancy isn't about disability or an illness, it's about a little person.' Samuel was born in perfect health, the operation 100 percent successful.

All I could think of when I read this is of all the women (young and old) who call our office wanting to know if we perform abortions. We don't. But there are those that will perform abortions up to 18 - 21 weeks.

I looked at Planned Parenthood's site and saw this:

Surgical Abortion:
10 days to 4.6 weeks - $550 Fannin, $550 Bryan
5 weeks to 9.6 weeks - $425 Fannin, $480 Bryan
10 weeks to 11.6 weeks - $480 Fannin, $540 Bryan
12 weeks to 13.6 weeks - $625 Fannin, $680 Bryan
14 weeks to 15.6 weeks - $880 Fannin ultrasound only - $100
Price includes everything, no additional charges.
We have limited financial assistance available.
Payment may be made by MasterCard/VISA, Discover, American Express, cash, check, or money order.

I'm not a political person and I don't mean to get into such here. Simply that this is what I'm thinking about today. What I'm praying about today. What I've cried about today.

Please take a moment to lift up all those who are facing unwanted pregnancies today and considering abortion. Pray that their hearts will be open to alternative choices and that God will send someone into their lives that will give them hope.

*To see the actual slide show of little Samuel squeezing the Dr's finger, please visit the photographer's website here.

Good Friday

2008-03-21T10:21:00.003-05:00

I can't imagine giving up my boys period, but to do so for people who hated, insulted and ridiculed me...well, as I said, I can't begin to imagine. Thank God, He was able to do so with His Son. And, since Deb put it so much better than I could, please pay her a visit.

Giving God all my heart, soul and thanks for His Son, and wishing a HAPPY EASTER TO YOU ALL.

Playing Catch Up...Again.

2008-03-17T08:14:00.004-05:00

All is good here. Things have been a tad more rushed than usual, but it's all good. I'm thankful for all of you who have been concerned about me, y'all are so sweet.

Work is good, still lovin' it. It gets crazy busy sometimes, and still I'm so thankful to have this job! The people I work with are awesome and every patient is an adventure.

I'm in physical therapy for my knee at least twice a week and sometimes three. They say my kneecap is turned to the right and have it bandaged/taped up trying to force it back to the left. I see my Otho surgeon again tomorrow and I'm sure I'll get a great report.

Casey is home for a week! Having my family all together again is always pure joy for me. I love watching my kids together. There is always a lot of laughter in my home, but you put the boys together and it's doubled. Always a smile on my face. God is so good to me. If I were to pass on tomorrow, I've been blessed beyond belief with what I've been given so far. So both the boys are off all week with spring break and they are working for the company their dad works for trying to make some money. Casey, of course, needs it for school and Charlie, of course, needs it for a new amp (lol). I'm proud of them both.

The dating scene...for me...not happening. The man I went out with that I told y'all about did not appreciate that I felt uncomfortable with his hug and kisses in an IHOP parking lot, and I did not appreciate that my feelings were not considered valid. So, there you go. My friends tell me that when I meet someone I'm attracted to, that what happened in the IHOP parking lot will not feel awkward...so I'm waiting for that to happen. Actually, I'm looking forward to that happening, lol. :)

Hope and pray all is well in your worlds.

Love my email from work

2008-03-05T18:53:00.007-06:00

Got this in an email that made it's way around my office yesterday. Had to share. :)
**********************************************************

We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:

:) means a smile and

:( is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by

:-)

:-(

Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'
Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

And...our darlin' little ~deb added this:

(__/__) (__l__) (__\__) <----shaking my ass!

Where's my rule book?

2008-03-01T19:54:00.016-06:00

First I want to give y'all a couple of pictures. The first one is from when Casey was home last weekend. Love this picture of Casey.

This next one is of Charlie today. I took him to get his hair cut, and he got it cut in a way that is perfect for the his new color! The picture doesn't really do him justice, he looks so good!

Me...I went on a 'breakfast date' this morning. Nice guy....soft lips. :) The only thing is that I wasn't expecting to find out anything about his lips on a first date and that made me take a step back. Am I old fashioned or what? I called Casey and talked to him about it on the way home. Casey is of the opinion that it was much too forward to kiss me on a first date, even if it was a good bye kiss (okay, a good bye kiss and a half). I've raised a decent kid, huh? Anyway, he doesn't think I should go out with him again. Me...I dunno. I know it's time for me to get out there, and I've met some men that I am interested in getting to know...as friends first. However, when you're kissing first, the friend part is sort of side lined. I think Casey is right, that's moving too fast for me. Can you go backward, rewind time a little? Again...I dunno.

The One To Beat

2008-02-27T08:45:00.001-06:00

This kid's parents did a great job. He's not only amazing, but humble.

What a guy...and dog

2008-02-24T10:35:00.005-06:00

Being the animal lover that I am, I have to share this story that I found at Leesa's place.

Now, this is the kind of man I want to have in my life...just in case y'all know of one, feel free to give him my number.

Time For Me

2008-02-22T15:02:00.004-06:00

I'm starting to venture out of my comfort zone. It's made me smile more, made me laugh more and to be completely honest, I'm having a bit of fun with it.

I've always been extremely shy, and though for some reason I come off as a people person, I'm not. I'm very shy inside. However, one of the many blessings of my job is that I work with 32 wonderful women who are warm, friendly and for whatever reason, seem to like me. It's like I have a large extended family. Now, I've been there for 3 months (My 90 day probation period has come and gone. Yay, they're keeping me!!) and on my wall is at least half a dozen pictures of my boys. So,by now, they all know my kid's stories and the story of my divorce. They've been inviting me to parties, wanting to sit me up with eligible friends, invite the kids and I to their lake houses or to go 4 wheeling with their families. I'm loving this. I've agreed to and have gone out a little, I'm looking forward to the boys and I getting together with some of their families, and I am so enjoying being single again.

For as long as I can remember, my focus has been on the kids. That has paid off, I've got great kids and I'm so thankful for the men they are and are still becoming. Now I'm able to take some me time. There is a time for everything...and though I have no interest in ever adapting the 'it's all about me' mind set ( because, let's face it, my kids have seen one parent do that and they'll not see another one ever be that selfish), I am beginning to take some time for myself and to be completely honest, I'm enjoying it.

Maybe it's the beginning of 'my' time.

Shhhhhh....oh hush.

2008-02-20T12:17:00.003-06:00

I have a pet peeve. I probably have several, but now I'm just focusing on one.

Please, please, if you're going to start off a sentence with anything like 'Don't repeat this', don't tell me period. I know it's well rumored and joked about that women like to gossip, but it's not true for all of us. I honestly don't like to hear gossip. I honestly don't want to know anything about you (or anyone around me) that is a secret. It's your secret, keep it your secret.

I have friends that I will tell a 'secret' to. Actually, I have three friends that I would tell a 'secret' to, and that would honestly be it, three. Those same three people are the only ones that I would care to have share something with me that I would not for the life of me repeat, if that's what they needed from me.

Occasionally there are people that just seem to only be happy when they are complaining. I don't think it's without coincidence that these are the same people that tend to go out of their way to avoid any solution to a problem. Even the simplest problem can be turned into a big deal if you work at it hard enough. I suppose if every problem was solved, there would be nothing to whine and complain about. I find it so very sad that this is the life some choose to live. I imagine it must be a life where they feel very much the victim most of the time, and I imagine there must be a lot of tears in their life.

I've noticed when someone begins to whisper, that those around them lean in closer to hear what is about to be said. I've learned that instead of leaning in, you should walk away. Very little good comes from whispering.

Maybe it's because I feel this way that I only have three close friends...and that's okay with me.

Again...

2008-02-16T17:42:00.005-06:00

*This is yet another email I received today, copied and pasted here for your amusement. Seriously, I wonder how many people actually fall for this:

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is a WebNews Email Account Update Please see the bottom of this mailing on this information.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE ROAD RUNNER INCORPORATION WISH TO INFORM YOU THAT WE HAVE SOME PROBLEMS ABOUT EACH CUSTOMER ACCOUNT EMAIL. DUE TO ERROR CODE 334409. WE DISCOVER THAT IN SOME FEW HOURS FROM NOW EACH CUSTOMER WILL NOT BE ABLE TO ACCESS HIS OR HER EMAIL ACCOUNT SO YOU ARE REQUIRE TO SEND YOUR FULL EMAIL ADDRESS AND PASSWORD FOR A NEW ACCOUNT UPDATE. SO YOU HAVE TO SEND THIS INFORMATION IMMEDIATELY SO THAT WE WIL UPDATE YOUR ACCOUNT AND YOU WILL STOP RECEIVING SPAM EMAILS YOU ARE TO SEND US THE INFORMATION TO ENABLE US TO UPDATE YOUR ACCOUNT AND YOU ARE TO SEND US THIS INFORMATION VIA BELOW THE INFORMATION RQRUIRE FOR ACCOUT UPDATE
EMAIL:info.customer.tx.rr@gmail.com

1)Full Email Address:
2)password:
3)age/country
4)date
5)First name/Last name.

©2008 Time Warner Cable. All Rights Reserved. Under License by Openwave

*As if the grammar isn't bad enough, I wonder if the email addy being a gmail account is any clue? LOL, c'mon!!

Yes We Can...

2008-02-13T21:10:00.003-06:00

Saw this at my friend epsilonicus' blog. Loved it. Don't have to want the man to be my president to appreciate his words. I simply love this video.

My favorite line: But in the unlikely story that is America, there has never been anything false about hope. Love that!

It was a creed written into the founding documents that declared the destiny of a nation.

Yes we can.

It was whispered by slaves and abolitionists as they blazed a trail toward freedom.

Yes we can.

It was sung by immigrants as they struck out from distant shores and pioneers who pushed westward against an unforgiving wilderness.

Yes we can.

It was the call of workers who organized; women who reached for the ballots; a President who chose the moon as our new frontier; and a King who took us to the mountaintop and pointed the way to the Promised Land.

Yes we can to justice and equality.

Yes we can to opportunity and prosperity.

Yes we can heal this nation.

Yes we can repair this world.

Yes we can.

We know the battle ahead will be long, but always remember that no matter what obstacles stand in our way, nothing can stand in the way of the power of millions of voices calling for change.

We have been told we cannot do this by a chorus of cynics...they will only grow louder and more dissonant ........... We've been asked to pause for a reality check. We've been warned against offering the people of this nation false hope.

But in the unlikely story that is America, there has never been anything false about hope.

Now the hopes of the little girl who goes to a crumbling school in Dillon are the same as the dreams of the boy who learns on the streets of LA; we will remember that there is something happening in America; that we are not as divided as our politics suggests; that we are one people; we are one nation; and together, we will begin the next great chapter in the American story with three words that will ring from coast to coast; from sea to shining sea --

Yes. We. Can.

Tidbits...or bits of tid

2008-02-13T07:04:00.004-06:00

On the way into work the other morning I stopped at a light before it turned red. The car behind me nearly hit me, in fact it had to swerve to miss me. I'm not one of the people that gas it for a yellow light. Don't get me wrong, many a light has turned red with me in the middle of it, but if I see I can't make it, I'll slow and stop on a yellow. The guy behind me was ticked. There is a reason I've never had so much as a parking ticket, and with the cameras they have at the lights now...well, it's not worth it to me to get to work a minute and twenty seconds earlier. If you've got a problem with being so late that you need to run the reds, leave earlier.

I woke up Monday morning with my left eye irritated. By the time I got to work I was nearly in tears. Felt like I had a couple (thousand) tacks in the lid scratching my eye. A nurse at work gave me some eye drops and it would make if feel cold for a few minutes, giving me some relief. Monday night I tied an ace bandage around the left side of my face with some tissues tucked underneath to keep the eye closed...yeah, that was a great nights sleep. Tuesday I went to see an eye doctor on my lunch hour. First, I hate having my eyes touched. Just, ewwww. They did all the stuff like taking pictures and blowing air into my eyes and I'd glady have hit them if that had been acceptable behavior, cause y'all know I'm nothing if not acceptable. Stop laughing. Then he put some dye in it and rolled my eye lid up on what looked like a qtip. I was complaining and whining...I really don't like my eyes being touched. He told me that little kids do this all the time without complaining and I reminded him of the location of my foot in relation to where he was sitting...directly in front of me. He laughed, he thought I was kidding. Turns out I had chemical burns in my eye from coloring Charlie's hair again this past Saturday. *I hadn't liked the yellow and paid the kid $10 to let me color it again* I don't remember getting it in my eyes (turns out I had it in the right eye, too, but hadn't noticed it because of how bad it'd been in the left eye) but what was worse than the eye pain was paying $95 for a tiny little bottle of eye drops. On the up side, it's only one day later and it's already so much better!

I don't understand why some people have to put down others to make themselves feel better. I was in Wal-mart after my ortho appointment for my knee yesterday (yup, two doctors and two pharmacys in one day) and it was a little packed, lot's of people after work and all, but there was a large man in one of Wal-marts motorized chairs with two items in his little basket who was rude from the get go with one of the pharmacy clerks. She was asian, and made a mistake in bringing him what he'd asked for...the wrong size of needles. He lit into her, telling her if she couldn't understand english she shouldn't be working in this country. He said, loudly, "I don't know why I went to fight in a war if you people were going to end up over here". This little girl was in tears. I smiled and told her I was so sorry, but it didn't stop him. He continued to insult and bully her. Seriously, I just don't get people. There was a hint of applause in the air when he drove off in his chair.

Visions

2008-02-07T12:30:00.001-06:00

Sometimes I wonder about why people think the way they do, or why they act, behave or live the way they do. I'm not being judgemental, not at all, it's just that sometimes I get very confused by people's behavior, and I wonder 'why'. I know there are many, many people who must wonder about my thought process and behavior all the time. I wonder about my thought process and my behavior, too, sometimes. But I'm talking about the people who confess (or profess) to be one way and behave in a completely opposite manner.

So...while I was praying very early this morning about someone, God gave me a vision of a nest with eggs and very young chicks in it, and large birds flying around it, providing the nest with what it needed.

I love God's visions.

This is what I came away with. Many of us are still nesting, preparing ourselves for what life has out there. We may be young, we may be old, but our 'inner man' is still immature and needs/wants others to be responsible for us. Whether it's responsible in a physical, mental or emotional way, we're not claiming that responsiblity for ourselves yet.

Then there are the large birds. Many of us have grown from the nesting stage and now have the responsibility of caring for those still nesting. We, too, once dwelled in that nest and we are now able to not only care for ourselves, but care for others. I, personally, believe that one of the reasons we do mature is learning that it's not ourselves that provides for us, but God, and once we've learned that, that it not only becomes our responsibility but should also become our pleasure to do for others. But that' s me. Some of you may have not needed for others to be responsible for you as much as I did. Believe me, until I was 26'ish', I did not hold myself responsible for anything. If it hadn't have been for the kindness, understanding and patience of others, I'd been in serious trouble.

When I had this vision this morning, I remember smiling. I heard God say 'they're still young in Me, they still have a long way to go. But you, you are in the final stretch.' This made me very happy. Final stretch to me means that I'm on my way 'home', and that is my daily prayer. So...whether my final stretch is a day, a year or 20 years, I know I'm in my final stretch there. Along the way, I'll make a concious effort to be understanding, helpful even, to those still in the nest.

Going, going...blonde

2008-02-03T21:06:00.000-06:00

Charlie wanted a change, and this is what we did today.

We both like the cut and the color, but it didn't come easy.

The last time I messed with his hair, it was long and he wanted me to put a staightener on it. It didn't turn out well. I misread the directions and his hair broke off around his ears. I didn't cut it today, we went somewhere to have that done, but I assured him I could color it as he wanted to go blonde, again.

Well, I was wrong.

The blonde color we put on it turned it red. Bozo red. Since his hair is so short now, I'd only used half of the bottle, so we dried it and put the second half of the bottle on it. Another 45 minutes and less red, but now it was leaning more towards the orange family.

By this time he's telling me he'll go to school with it orange, that he doesn't pay attention to what kids say, but I just couldn't send him out of the house with orange hair. Fortunately my neighbor had a spare box of blonde hair color. When I put my neighbor's color on it, the poor kid said it hurt so bad he could cry. After half the time allotted per the instructions, he asked to please let him rinse it. So he did. It looks much better than the orange, but it's still got a tad of a reddish tint to it.

Maybe in a few weeks he'll let me try again. I may have to do it in his sleep...

Put your feet up and grab some corn

2008-02-02T12:42:00.000-06:00

Charlie and I watched The Hunting Party last week, and I highly recommend it. Please, if you've got some spare time, rent it. It's a true story and at the end of the film, with the credits, it shows some of the real players.

Seriously...wow.

Look!!! I won!!

2008-02-01T17:51:00.000-06:00

Mr.Giss Peterson.
Email: m.claims01@live.com

Provide him with the information below:

1.Full Name:__________________
2.Full Address:_______________
3.Marital Status:_____________
4.Occupation:_________________
5.Age:________________________
6.Sex:________________________
7.Social Security Number:_________________
8.Country Of Residence:_______
9.Telephone Number:___________
10. Means Of Collect Winnings Answer (YES/NO);
(i) Bank Account Number To Transfer Fund To;___________________________

Congratulations once more from all members and staff of this program.

Sincerely,
MICROSOFT INTERNATIONAL LOTTERY.

Seriously, this was in my email today. What's scary is that some people will reply...and then we'll see them crying on the news.

Parenting takes some balls

2008-01-31T16:12:00.000-06:00

...seriously. It's hard, and it can be scary, and it's unbelievably frustrating. Sometimes all I can do is get on my knees, bury my head and give it up to God because, honestly, sometimes it's just more than I can bear.

This week I had to go through something I never, ever, thought I'd have to do. A couple of days ago I was rather frustrated from an errand I had to run after work (still dealing with CareNow, Satan's playground for workman's comp), and I came home to a mess in my house. Charlie started driver's ed this past Monday, and I was in a crunch to get him to class on time. I was tempted to not allow him to go to driver's ed because of his lack of consideration, leaving me a mess to deal with after working all day, but driver's ed isn't cheap and I hate to throw out $400 for a bad mood. So, I took the kid's cell phone away along with his computer privileges. Charlie doesn't talk back...okay, he's a teenager, but he rarely talks back. So, he handed over his cell phone with no complaints, but trust me, I know this had to rip his heart in two (he's a texter, after all).

After dropping him off at driver's ed, I heard his phone recieve a text and I read it. Yes, I did. As if my mood wasn't bad enough, what I read literally dropped me to my knees. It was from a friend of his and it was regarding the selling of drugs to another friend of his. My temperature is rising and I'm sure my face is flushed just thinking about it again. It was all I could do to keep from going up to driver's ed and pulling him out of class.

While I sat in the parking lot, waiting for him to get out of class, I read these texts I'd found on Charlie's phone a hundred times, trying to imagine it meaning something else. Anything but what I was sure it meant. When Charlie got in the car, I sat there for a minute and tried to breathe. I showed Charlie the text messages and he confirmed that yes, it was about drugs. One thing I'm very proud of my kids for is that they would rather get in trouble than lie...it's one trait I've worked very hard to pass on to them. He said that he wasn't involved personally. I questioned him about his ever, ever, doing drugs and he said no. I must not have looked convinced and he said 'Mom, you work at a doctor's office. Have me tested, do a urine or hair test.' I believe him.

But I still drove him and his cell phone to the police station.

At first Charlie was a tad shocked that I was going to take him and his phone to the police. But, I have always told them that if I ever suspected or had evidence of them doing drugs I'd call the police. Honestly, I always thought it was more of a scare tactic...an empty bluff. But when this happened, there was no way I was going to go home knowing that there was a sale of drugs at the high school and not do anything about it. I also wonder, just as a personal side note, how different my life may have been if my mom would have noticed once, just one single time, that I couldn't stand up straight, talk without slurring or walk through a door without running into it. Anyway, on the way into the police station, Charlie was telling me about how the friend that had sent the first text about bringing the drugs to school to sell, had fallen asleep in class earlier this week and they'd not been able to wake him up. What???

Once in the police station, they called down a detective to talk to us and I explained how I'd gotten a hold of the phone, read the text and confronted Charlie. They asked Charlie some questions and he was very respectful, gave them honest answers to what they asked and filled out a report. The dectective told me that he was so impressed with Charlie, how Charlie wasn't only respectful with him (the detective) but with me. He said that most kids whose parents bring them in refuse to talk, make eye contact or are hateful to the parents for dragging them in. When Charlie and I walked out of the police department, I told Charlie that I knew he was going to be mad at me for awhile, and this is what he said to me. "Mom, I'm not mad at you. If I had a kid that was having anything to do with drugs, I'd do the same thing."

I love this kid.

The police were waiting the next day when one of Charlie's friends got off the bus. They called in the other friend to the office. One of the kids will be going to an alternative school for a few weeks and the other one is hopefully scared straight...or straighter anyway. They asked Charlie if he knew anything about it, and he told them the truth. That his mom had confiscated his cell phone for not doing his chores, had then read their texts and taken both himself and his phone to the police station.

Another side note: a year ago this friend selling the drugs had been grounded from my house because I'd read on his myspace that he'd been drinking. I asked him about it , if he really drank like he put on his myspace or if he did drugs. He admitted to me that his relatives bought him alcohol and he did drink, but he didn't do drugs. I told him that if I ever saw him intoxicated that I'd not only report him but his relatives for supplying it to him, and I asked him if we were clear. He said 'yes ma'am'. Then I told him that if I ever had any reason to believe he was encouraging Charlie to drink or do drugs that I'd come after him with all that was in me. I asked him if he understood and he said 'yes ma'am'. Apparently he didn't.

C'mon...start!

2008-01-25T11:55:00.000-06:00

Texas weather has turned cold. Love the Texas cold...it's not like the Indiana cold I couldn't wait to get away from. I can deal with Texas cold. You know, in small doses like from the house to the car, the house to the mail box, that sort of thing.
Tuesday my car refused to start when I'd ran an errand after work. I tried a couple of times...nothing. Then it started. I ran by Goodyear, but they were closing so I ran down the road to Auto Zone. My battery was only a year and a half old, but they couldn't find a record of it being purchased there, which it was, so I bought a new one and they installed it for me. Car started right up. Yay.
Wednesday after work, when the coldest of the cold came through, I got a repeat performance of my car's rebellious behavior. All my fellow co-workers are leaving; no one living anywhere near me. I got several offers, though, for people to take me home. Nice people. My supervisor called her husband and he came up to look at it. I hate asking people to do things for me and here was this sweet man (who I've had a slight crush on since I've started, lol, which I told my super) working on my car in our cold weather with the wind whipping all around. Finally, he figured out it was the starter or the starter celluloid or something like that. He called a friend of theirs that works at a shop less than a mile from my house. After tapping on the starter, my car started and I drove it straight to their friend. I didn't meet their friend, but one of the employees told me that a starter could run around $400 plus labor. I'm going over in my mind how I will have to borrow from Casey, Charlie...maybe I could find a friend or two I knew in grade school.
My supervisor picked me up the next morning for work. I love these people, seriously, nice people here. The shop called me and gave me the news, $210. Again, YAY. They gave me a discount because I was 'a friend of a friend' and that was the total price. I am so thankful. I may still have to borrow from Charlie by payday, but I won't have to look up names out of my old yearbooks.
So, it's Friday. It's cold, dark and rainy. Fortunately...I LOVE THIS WEATHER. I hope nothing comes up this weekend and I can lay back, rest up (no phones) and have all the blinds open so I can enjoy this weather without being out in it. Perfect.

...and it's only a 20 minute commute

2008-01-18T23:26:00.000-06:00

Sappy post, just tellin' you now.

I've been at my new job now for nearly two months. Not much time, I know. However, I'm so happy with my job. I work for Women's Specialists, a group of five ob-gyn's that specialize in infertility and high risk pregnancies, as well as all the normal ob-gyn stuff. We're a one stop shop, if you will, of all things female; mammograms, sonograms, bone density tests, and even as late, laser hair removal.

I and my 'office mate' answer all incoming calls and schedule all appointments. Trust me, it's not as easy as it sounds. Now, I've always been up front about not being much of a people person, but I love answering the phones here. Every call is personal. Women calling in who have just taken a home pregnancy test and happy. Pregnant women calling in with cramps or bleeding; scared and crying. This practice has been in existence for over 30 years and I get calls from women in their 70's who now have their granddaughters coming in for appt's. I get calls from foreigners I can not possibly understand and have to have them spell out their words giving me an example of each letter; 's as in sam, f as in frank, a as in apple' sort of thing.

A perk is all the pharmaceutical reps. They bring in breakfast, lunch, snacks, coffee...you name it, several times a week. Very cool. Another perk is all the employees get any and all of the services we provide for free.

The biggest plus for me, though, is the people. Close to 30 women. One of the nurses had her 29th anniversary today...29 years at this office (this woman was my secret Santa, and she was so generous with me, to the point of spoiling me). The office manager, 25 years. The majority of the people (nurses, office staff) have been there at least 10 years, most longer. How extraordinary is that? It's like family. For a girl that has little family, this is a dream for me. My office mate, Carolyn, is so kind, patient and caring. She's already a friend, and I believe in time she'll be a close friend.

Every morning when I get up, I'm thankful. I'm grateful, I'm blessed and I am so very thankful.