Y'all remember the post on My_Mom? I wrote in it how my mom was so miserable in her life and how she expressed that misery, along with all her anger. Wasn't pretty.
Okay...I started having migraines around 10 years old. I remember headaches that had me staying in bed, room darkened and any movement or smell would make me throw up. Sometimes for days at a time. My mom had them too. She had pain pills, I didn't. It's hard to have so much pain and not start to get angry about it.
When I got to high school I found ways to medicate...yeah, SO? C'mon...tell me you didn't. I can believe a few didn't, but I did, okay? Drug of choice was mostly speed and of course, getting high. College...I think that's when my anger started expressing itself through physical outlets. I remember one guy I dated honestly turned me over his knee and spanked me (not in a playful way either) and I can honestly tell you, though it infuriated and embarrassed me, I deserved it. I was pure evil sometimes.
There are a few years after college before my first marriage, that I'm honestly embarrassed to talk about, but they'll make for some great post sometime.
During my first marriage (5 years lasting) we were both completely out of control. Drugs, anger...we had it all going on. Probably lucky we lived through it...actually, I'm not sure he did, have no idea what happened with him. Haven't been able to find any sign of him on the web.
Okay, current marriage. I'd given up drugs a little over a year before I met Mark and we married 2 weeks later. Poor Marko. The first part of our marriage he was terrified to come home. Serious anger management problems with me. Still had the migraines, I've always had a sleeping disorder and my mind was completely running hot and cold.
The first years of our marriage, I'll save for another post as well. Fast forward to the boys. I wanted kids so very much. Then, when I had them...all the sudden I found it really hard to cope and I started having such a desire to take my anger out in a physical way...again. This is where my mom comes into play. Every time I looked at myself, saw the way I was reacting to situations, I saw my mom. I did not want my kids to grow up with 'my mom'. But I kept getting angrier and angrier. I prayed, I believed, I had more and more migraines and I was starting to take it out on my children. When Charlie was 4, I hit him. Go ahead, send the emails. I cried harder than he did. I picked up the phone and called my doctor. When I saw him, I explained how I was out of control. I was crying all the time, I had anger I couldn't control and I needed help. He gave me a script for anti depressants and made me promise to call a psychiatrist, whose # he gave me, and to be back to see him in a week. I went home and cried telling Mark that they thought I was mentally sick, that I didn't want to take antidepressants...I'd quit drugs years ago and didn't want to start again. Mark took the script and got it filled for me. Thank God for my husband. I can not begin to explain the difference it made in my life. It took a year to get the med's right and all, but every day was still better than I had been my entire life. I couldn't get over what it was like to think clearly, to be able to think through anger. This is why I say how my moms whole life would have been so much different had she had this option available to her. And, if her life had been different, think about how much different my sisters life and mine would have been.
The head doctors...mmmmm, not so much help. The first one I went to, well, he did make me promise to call him before I ran my car off a road, which was a daily possibility. And for whatever reason, somehow I did consider that promise I made to him. But he kept trying to get me to remember things that I don't (yeah, lot's of blank spaces) and frankly, I'm okay with not remembering. He mentioned it was probably a sexual experience block...well, really wouldn't wanna remember that. Then he got into 'touch therapy' and I was out of there. Next head doctor bored the crap out of me and wanted me to keep a daily journal that he'd read. Would anyone write honestly when they know someone is going to read and analyze it? Okay, well, I couldn't. After many months of him...I called it quits.
So, been on prozac now for 11 years and I'm fine with that. BECAUSE, I remember all too well what life was like with out it and I never, ever, ever want to go back there.
What I'm trying to say here, after 45 minutes of your reading pleasure, is that there shouldn't be a stigmata about anti depressants...or a lot of drugs that better someone's life. As long as it isn't self prescribed and you've been well tested to find out what the root problem is, do what's best for you and your family. And, please don't be ashamed of it. My brain does not produce a chemical I need to think clearly and calmly. There is a drug that provides me with the chemical balance I need to raise a happy and healthy family. I only wish it had been available in my mom's time of need. Unfortunately it wasn't and she self medicated with the drugs that were available to her and alcohol. DON'T do that.
Today's post was on anti depressants. Tomorrow I'll write about ambien. Oh dear, I can see Mark rolling his eyes now. Funny stories there.